Espresso Meditations

“I’ve taken up meditation. I like to have an espresso first to make it more challenging.”
Betsy Salkind

I laughed out loud when I read the quote above. It’s even funnier if you have really tried meditating and know how difficult it is. It’s often hard to calm yourself and quiet your thoughts enough to really do it. Most of us in our mach-speed, multi-tasking, espresso-drinking world, don’t have much experience with meditating, but I think we need it more than ever. If you’re new at it, you’ll discover how difficult it is to meditate on one idea for more than a few minutes. In fact, in the beginning of learning to meditate, one minute is a challenge. When I started getting serious about meditating, I noticed that sometimes repeating a phrase or thought helped keep my mind from wandering. And often, I could meditate more easily while I was working out or walking or doing something that was keeping my body busy. Sometimes during my walk, I would repeat a phrase in time with my steps. “My life is good.” or a private prayer like, “Fill me with your power today,” or “Fill me with your joy today,” or Fill me with your peace today.” Those meditations or prayers start getting in your thoughts and in the quiet spaces of your day. Even when things are roaring out of control, those ideas have a way of re-centering us. So in your espresso world, find a phrase that has meaning to you. Something like: “This day is mine; I will rejoice. This day is mine; I will rejoice. This day is mine; I will rejoice.” See if your meditations make a difference. I think you’ll be surprised.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”
Psalm 19:14 (NIV)

In the end, doing the right thing always pays off. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes no one seems to notice. But rest assured that you will be rewarded for every single time you make the good choice. Confidence, peace and joy are yours for the taking.

“We are here on this earth to do good for others. What others are here for, I don’t know.”
W.H. Auden

Well, it’s Monday morning and we have a whole new week spread out before us.   I’ve said my prayers, had some great coffee, fruit and yogurt, made my to-do list and so, here I am.  It was a full weekend … amazing and wonderful in so many, many ways.  Challenging in some others.  I did some good things, but I’ve renewed my vow (again) to stop being “Boss of the Universe” and worrying about things I couldn’t/can’t do anything about.  (With me, that’s a constant battle!)

I’ve discovered that in my life, those times that I have just done something good for another person, I feel better … regardless of how they responded. In fact, if I concern myself too much with how others respond, my actions for goodness are sometimes less effective, somehow less fulfilling. The only person I can control is myself. I cannot make anyone else act a certain way. I can’t make anyone else do something good for me or the people I love, or act loving toward me or those I care about.  Sometimes the good thing is to walk quietly away and let others do what they want and not worry about them.  I am only responsible for my actions. Period.

Making the decision to do the right thing no matter what anyone else is doing takes away a lot of choices. But that decision also brings confidence, fulfillment, power, peace, and joy. Our continued right behavior will eventually bring good things back to us. Sowing and reaping laws always work. So today, let’s all just make the decision to do good for others no matter what. No matter how they are treating us. No matter if they acknowledge what we are doing or not. No matter if they choose to respond with goodness or not. No matter if we can see the benefits immediately or not. I guarantee the results of choosing to love others and quietly do good will ALWAYS pay off. ALWAYS! It’s a promise!

We can make this a fantastic week.  For me that starts with doing right things myself and not trying to fix anyone else.
“Do unto other as you would have others do unto you.”
“You reap what you sow.”
“Don’t give up in doing good …”
“Don’t just say you love others, really love them and show it by how you treat them.”
The Bible

Making the choice to do simple, good things for ourselves every day helps us design and choose the life we want no matter what is happening around us. We get to choose! That’s the really cool thing!

“It’s not what you do once in a while, it’s what you do day in and day out that makes the difference.”  Jenny Craig, weight-loss entrepreneur

Persistence. Getting up every day. Taking time for yourself every day. Working out every day. Drinking enough water every day. Being grateful every day. Those everyday things we do are the things that make the real difference in what our life will be. Even though sometimes we can get a jump start on a project by doing something huge … something giant like getting rid of all of those big, old, dying shrubs in front of our house and starting from scratch, or throwing out every single thing in our closet that we have not worn in five years but are holding on to for some sentimental reason.  But when all is said and done, the foundation of good strong daily habits gives us the base from which we can soar, and gives us the stability to launch creative, invigorating, promising new projects. Without those small, sure every day building blocks, the real building will never take shape. Today, discipline yourself to confidently do those little things for yourself and celebrate the beautiful results.

In one of the R.A.D.I.C.A.L. support groups meeting right now in Kansas City, we talked last week about putting those building blocks in place.  Doing all those “first thing in the morning” tasks with intention and gratitude and attention starts the day in a positive way. We aren’t just thrust into the day blown about by circumstances.  We choose the start we want.

Get up

Take a shower

Fix your face

Get dressed

Eat something

Get moving.

On Tuesday night we shared our PowerRecords where we actually marked down the good things we are doing for ourselves every single day.  We can keep track of the good choices we make  to encourage us to do more of those good things.  Things like drink enough water, do a brain puzzle, smile at someone, pray, eat some veggies, be grateful.  Little but really, really powerful things that literally change life for the better.  Doing these things (not just understanding we need to do them or saying “I’ll do these things soon”) is what makes the power difference.  And if it takes a simple exercise of checking those things off on our PowerRecords sheet, I’m going to keep encouraging all RADiCAL Women to do them.  That includes YOU!  (And ME!)

“Let us not get tired of doing what is right, for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t get discouraged and give up.”
Galatians 6:9

If you want more information about starting  R.A.D.I.C.A.L support groups at your church, professional group or community organization, e-mail me at radicalsuzy@gmail.com

It’s our job to create the life we want. No one else can do it for us. Others can help and encourage, but our vision comes from within us and only we can make it real.

“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.”
Thomas Szasz, psychiatrist, academic, author

How our life turns out is up to us. What we do with this self God created is up to us. We make the choices that determine how our life turns out. However you want to put it, the message is the same. Life doesn’t just happen to us. Things happen to us, then we decide how to use those things to make the life we want. It’s an old illustration, but good just the same. Any good piece of art has dark and light. Any good piece of music has low and high notes. What makes the piece of music or art good is how the artist uses those parts to make the whole piece meaningful and even beautiful. You have to have the midnight to really appreciate the dawn, and when the light of a new day shows itself, you can experience it with fresh hope, gratitude and energy to use the new opportunities you’ve been given. Another truth of the matter: it’s the heart of the artist that makes the difference. Art doesn’t just happen. It is thoughtfully, but joyfully created. It is the expression of a full, bold, confident heart that has the courage to share. What does your heart have to say? What are you creating from the raw materials of your life? You’re the artist of your life. You have to pick up the brush and paint. The canvas is waiting.

“A good man (or woman) out of the good treasure of her heart brings forth good …”
Luke 6:45a (NKJV)

Getting the small things under control is huge. It’s not the disasters that do us in, it’s the messes.

“When something small is right you can then forget about it and think about more lofty ideas. I pay attention to the little things; when they’re right, they shore us up, when they’re wrong, they are a burden.”
Alexandra Stoddard in her book Living a Beautiful LIfe

How many of us have a drawer that sticks or a shelf of spices that is an aggravation every time we try to find the oregano? If we fix the little things that cause us irritation, our minds are freed up to think about the bigger issues of life. And we feel more content and at peace. Alexandra Stoddard’s book about “Adding Elegance, Order, Beauty, and Joy to Every Day of Your Life” is a big believer in creating pleasure for all of your senses in even the smallest things we do every day. She contends that our simple daily tasks are so much more pleasant and actually bring comfort and joy if we make them into meaningful pleasurable rituals. “Towels that absorb well, face creams that soothe, napkins that are soft to the touch, matches that light, garbage bags that hold, can openers that open … effective small things that are reassuring …” Today, let’s fix one thing that is an aggravation. Go get a new can opener. Replace that trash can that is held together with duct tape. Buy some hand cream that smells good and feels good when you put it on in the morning. Little things. But important. When we learn how to deal effectively and beautifully with the small things, we have more energy to deal with the big stuff. Making the daily rituals of life pleasant and even sensuous in themselves gives us confidence and power to get all these big issues we’re facing in order, too.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So, if you have not been trustworthy in handling wordly wealth, who will trust you with true riches?”
Luke 16:10-11 (NIV)

In this world with so much pain and chaos, it’s easy to worry about just about everything. Starting today, let’s refuse to go there and simply take actions that will help solve some problem we see and leave the rest to God.

I’m a worrier.  This morning as I had my coffee and read the Wall Street Journal and my local paper, I literally held up a section of the paper and said outloud, “God, this world is so f*%#ed up!”  I usually don’t use that word, but It seemed to be the best word to describe the  overwhelming sense of sadness, corruption, pain everywhere. All over the world and on my own city’s streets.  I thought, “What can I do?”  What can anyone possibly do to make a dent in all of this dysfunction and chaos?  Last night, I tore out a recent Time Magazine article entitled, “The End of Alimony: The American divorce is undergoing its biggest change in decades.  Call it the revenge of the second wives.”  I didn’t want to read it last night, but I thought to myself, “I’ve got midlife R.A.D.I.C.A.L. women all over the place who are facing foreclosure on their houses, or moving in with their children, or renting small apartments after being married for 20 or 25 or 30 years.  Often their wasbands have found younger women and have abandoned their good strong families who are often left to fend for themselves.  And many of these women gave up their own jobs to help their husband do well in his.  Our generation mostly stayed home and cared for children and everything else.  And now, the second wives are pissed off because of husbands paying alimony.  There just seem to be so many problems everywhere.  Hard situations.  Sadness. A sense of being overwhelmed and unable to change things.

But then, as part of my morning planning, I have been reading a section in a book given to me by a RADICAL woman from one of my classes (In fact, she gave everyone in class a copy of the same book … a devotional book by Sarah Young.)  I don’t know where you are on your spiritual path, but I needed today’s message from that book.  It’s written from God’s perspective:

“I am all around you, like a cocoon of Light.  My presence with you is a promise, independent of your awareness of Me.  Many things can block this awareness, but the major culprit is worry.  My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life.  However, worry is a form of unbelief: it is anathema to Me.

Who is in charge of your life?  If it is you, then you have good reason to worry.  But if it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive.  When you start to feel anxious about something, relinquish the situation to Me.  Back off a bit, redirecting your focus to Me.  I will either take care of the problem Myself or show you how to handle it.  In this world you will have problems, but you need not lose sight of Me.”

Luke 12:22-31; John 16:33

Starting this minute, I am going to have a worry-free weekend.  Whatever happens this whole weekend, I will remember that God is in control of everything.  I will then ask for his direction to guide me to do my part to solve whatever problems come up and I will try to shine his light in absolutely every situation I face.  Join me on this, and let’s see what happens.

To get to the other side of any of life’s challenges, we have to put fear and dread aside and wade through. Advice: join others who are crossing and help each other!  It’s safer and faster.

“Waiting for life to be lovely before you start to live is like waiting for the river to run out before you cross.”

I want life to be lovely all the time. I want things to go my way. I want my children and my family and my friends to be healthy and happy all the time. Of course, we know life is not like that. Life is absolutely full of challenges, setbacks, trials and difficulty. Some difficulties are small and some are huge like divorce. I think when we quit expecting life to be just like we want it and realize that the troubles are just part of the whole scheme of things, then we can go ahead and live fully and joyfully in spite of the obstacles we face. If we finally understand that the “deep waters” of life, though scary and sometimes cold, are just part of the fabric of life, we can wade on in. During the crossing, it’s always helpful to have a friend to hold on to, or a rope you can grab from the other side. We can also have the confidence that God will not let this destroy us, but can use the water experience to make us stronger and more beautiful than ever. God has called us by name. He will not abandon us in the middle of the river, so step on out … the other side is amazing!

“But now the Lord who created you, O Israel, says, “Don’t be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up — the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, your Savior, the Holy One of Israel. Isaiah 43: 1-3 (Living Bible)

Taking a couple of deep, cleansing breaths can make most conversations more controlled. Try it and see what happens.

“Breathe Before You Speak”
From Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson

Very few of us really learn the skill of listening to another person. And during a midlife divorce we are usually so angry or so upset when we try to converse with our ex-spouse or soon-to-be ex-spouse, that our conversations are either strained and cold or raging with fury. I was often so upset with something that my then husband said that I spit out some response that was neither helpful nor constructive. It was a reaction. I sometimes didn’t care what he said because his actions were showing me that he did not love me, did not care about me, and that he was just trying to cover his rear end or make himself look better with his empty words. I realize that those conversations are not like a normal conversation between two rational human beings. Even so, the suggestion from Richard Carlson’s book is a good one, no matter to whom you are talking; but it’s especially good good advice when the conversation is tense and angry. If we could get in the habit in every conversation to really listen to what the other person is saying, look at that person, and then pause and take a breath before we reply, it would do a lot toward making real communication possible. Conversation in the middle of divorce is never easy. My heart would often start pounding before a single word was said. I’m sure it would have helped if I could have taken a breath before I responded … or before I slammed a door or threw something!

“My dear ones, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
James 1:19 (NIV)

” … being young is great, but being yourself is better.”
Veronique Vienne in The Art of Imperfection … Simple Ways to Make Peace with Yourself

Whether you consider yourself young or old doesn’t matter as much as how you consider yourself, period. Many of our wasbands most likely had a relationship with a younger woman. Some a little younger. Some … waaay younger, as in our daughter’s age. After my divorce I would look in the mirror and see, not my fun, sort of funky, self but my old, tired frumpy self. But that was more a response to how I was feeling than how I was in reality. And when we are tired from not sleeping and sad from the whole divorce thing, wishing we were younger doesn’t help our physical appearance and it certainly doesn’t help our outlook on life or our enthusiasm about the day. And it doesn’t help to try to act or dress or be 20 years younger than we are. An article I read in the Wall Street Journal by an image consultant said something to the effect that if you are 50 and trying to look 30, you are probably going to look older than 50. So give that up. Concentrate on maximizing who you really are. No matter what your age, appreciating the strong, capable, fun, vibrant, wise, wild woman you are is the first step to being able to smile at the world no matter what is going on. Just for today celebrate your best, wonderful self! Smile! Laugh! Be Lighthearted! God made you exactly who you are and that person can become better and more beautiful every single day. Living God’s way with joy and accepting today as our own potential-filled gift pushes worry about our age into the background where it should be.

“Charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn’t last, but a woman who fears and reverences God shall be greatly praised.”
Proverbs 31: 30 – The Living Bible

Picking through the rubble of your life after a tornado or a divorce is agony. Tears flow. Shouts of anger may ring out. But the truth is, our only choice is to rebuild or not. Make life better than ever or not. What will you choose?

“Adversity can make you better if you don’t let it make you bitter. Why? Because it promotes wisdom and maturity.” ~John Maxwell in Attitude 101

AAAHHHH! Adversity! Don’t you just love adversity? Didn’t you just embrace your divorce? Aren’t you smiling picking your way through the rubble of your home after a tornado? (Or a divorce?)  Aren’t you just so happy to be struggling through recovery? Of course not! In a big fat word … NO! Human beings don’t go looking for adversity. We don’t have to. We run from it, but It somehow finds us on it’s own. But here’s the really amazing thing about adversity. It can be one of the best things that ever happens to us. That’s not just psychobabble or positive thinking pretty talk. It’s the truth. All kinds of tests ranging through all different disciplines come to the same proven conclusion: Adversity, trouble, trials, struggles (yes, even this divorce) can make you stronger and more beautiful and can also make your life more glorious! It is the absolute truth. However, the key is that we somehow embrace our disasters and use them to learn… to get wisdom…to get understanding….to discover what’s really important in this life. Disasters, defeats and even divorce can be the turning point to a real understanding of of the magnificence of life with all of its wild twists and turns. And since adversity is part of being human, we may as well use it for what it’s intended … to make us more beautiful and more sure and to give us the power to shine brighter than ever before. So go grab wisdom! She’s hiding in the middle of this ugly divorce!

“Above all and before all, do this: Get Wisdom! Write this at the top of your list: Get Understanding! Throw your arms aroung her–believe me, you won’t regret it; never let her go–she’ll make your life glorious. She’ll garland your life with grace, she’ll festoon your days with beauty!” ~ Proverbs 3:7-9 (The Message)