At this point you may have come to the realization that getting over divorce is a lot more complicated than you thought. In fact, you may be asking yourself, “How long am I going to feel like this?” When am I going to start feeling better? Why can’t I stop obsessing over this divorce? Why did he do that? Why didn’t I do this? What they are doing now?” Those are normal questions after divorce. Useless, but normal. They will NOT help you in your journey of getting over divorce.
But hopefully you’re also saying, “I want my life back! Help!”
Here are three things you must do right off the bat to get through divorce.
- Accept the reality of your divorce
- Make the decision to take control
- Do small actions every day to create the life you want
The first step of divorce recovery is:
(1) accepting the fact of divorce in your life.
But we say to ourselves: “I didn’t want this divorce! I hate being divorced! This is not how my life is supposed to turn out!”
Those things may be true. But the first step to getting better after divorce is to fully accept it. You have to get solidly in your head either, “I am getting divorced.” or “I am divorced.” That’s your reality now. Many women try to deny this basic truth. They know it in their head, but they deny it in their actions by keeping ties to their ex in ways that aren’t healthy. Often our wasbands try to keep their foot in the door of our life by trying to be our friend … or offering to fix the sink, or as one RADiCAL woman revealed, by sending her flowers and candy saying that he still loved her. Many men, out of guilt or whatever, mess with our hearts like that. Another word for that is abuse. Being divorced means you both have to accept the natural consequence of divorce: getting him out of your life as much as possible. If you have children, that will be a challenge for a while. But you do have to get him out of your life emotionally. Usually the less interaction the better. Texting is helpful. Do not be drawn into letting him take up valuable space and energy in your head and in your heart that you should be concentrating on yourself and your own new life. Accept divorce and it’s consequences.
But the next question is what’s really important:
“What do I do now? How to get through a divorce?”
How you answer that question shows that you want to DO something, and what you do determines whether you have a miserable, sad, lonely life going forward after your divorce, or if you’re going to have a life of joy and fun and wonder and adventure!
So the next step to recovery after divorce is:
(2) Making the decision to take control of your own life.
You can’t get through or get over your divorce issues today. There are too many. In fact some psychologists say to count on one year of recovery and healing after divorce for every five to seven years you were married! I said, “I don’t have that long! I might be dead by then!” Other professionals say that you need one month of recovery time for every year of marriage. That still seemed too long to me. My honest opinion is that divorce takes at least one year of serious work to get through successfully. I say a year because part of the grieving process includes mourning all of those anniversaries that happen over a year. Holiday, birthdays, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, other personal, couple or family anniversaries. Allowing yourself time to really grieve is necessary in moving forward.
You can take control by accepting that you must mourn this loss. But the real step to divorce recovery is when you understand that the rest of your life is up to you. He doesn’t control you now. He is not in charge of your happiness. You are. You must realize that whatever happens in the rest of your life is your choice. For example, after divorce you can decide to be bitter and angry every single day, or you can decide to find things to celebrate and be thankful for. When you’re on this journey, you decide if you’re going to get out of bed every morning and find something productive to do or if you’re going to stay in bed, or stay in your robe and stay in the emotional and physical dump all day. It’s your choice. So get in your head that getting over divorce means taking personal control, taking responsibility for your life. Your future is up to you.
That brings us to step number three which determines success or failure in the process of getting through divorce.
(3) Taking actions every day that move you to where you want to be.
Start with baby steps. You can’t fix your life today. It’s a process. So in the beginning, concentrate on doing tiny actions that will start you up the road to your best new life after divorce. I know this whole things sounds exhausting and getting through divorce can be exhausting. But when you first wake up every morning try saying, “Thank you that I made it through the night.” Add five new things to your list every morning, “Thank you for my eyes. Thank you that I can go to the kitchen and have something good to eat. Thank you for coffee. Thank you that I have two legs and the freedom to use them.” Just the little attitude adjustment to gratitude moves you in the right direction. Or something as small as looking in the mirror and smiling BIG for 16 seconds will start endorphins dancing around in your brain. All through the day, take small (but really, really important) steps forward. Before you do something, ask yourself, “will this move me forward or does this keep me stuck in the divorce pit?” Always make the choice to take those small actions to keep moving forward. Taking action also means getting the resources you need like coming to this site. That’s a very positive step in the right direction. You’ll get help and encouragement and tools to keep on Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love.
Getting over a divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be the most challenging and frustrating trip you ever face in life. But the truth is, learning the lessons involved in getting over divorce can be the most powerful lessons you ever learn:
- Accepting life as it is right now and
- making the choice to take control and
- then doing the things that will move you forward
So when you ask yourself, “How do I get over a divorce?” Remember that these three actions will serve you well whether it’s getting through a divorce or whether it’s facing any other kind of life challenge.
Remember that getting over divorce is completely up to you. It’s your future and you determine what it will be. And that’s a really good thing because you have the chance to make your life amazing and wonderful and every other glorious thing you can think of!
Take your first step to getting over this divorce and join us in the community. Filled with Women just like you talking out their issues, giving and receiving the support they need. The group really is amazing. Start your recovery from divorce now.