At this point you may have come to the realization that getting over a divorce is a lot more complicated than you thought. In fact, you may be asking yourself: “How long am I going to feel like this? When am I going to start feeling better? Why can’t I stop obsessing over this divorce? Why did he do that? Why didn’t I do this? What are they doing now?” Those are normal questions after divorce. Useless, but normal.
But hopefully you’re also saying, “I want my life back! Help!”
Here are three things you must do right off the bat to get through divorce.
- Accept the reality of your divorce
- Make the decision to take control
- Do small actions every day to create the life you want
Step One: Accepting The Divorce
But we say to ourselves: “I didn’t want this divorce! I hate being divorced! This is not how my life is supposed to turn out!”
Those things may be true, but the first step toward healing after divorce is fully accepting it. You have to get solidly in your head either, “I am getting divorced,” or “I am divorced.” That is your new reality. Most women try to desperately deny the truth as long as they can. Though they know the reality of the situation in their head, they deny it in their actions by keeping ties to their ex in unhealthy ways.
Often our wasbands try to keep their foot in the door of our life by trying to be our friend, or offering to fix the sink, or as one RADiCAL woman revealed, by sending her flowers and candy saying that he still loved her. Many men, out of guilt or… whatever, mess with our hearts like that. Another word for that is abuse. Being divorced means you both have to accept the natural consequence of divorce: getting him out of your life as much as possible.
If you have children, managing relations with your ex that will be a challenge for a while. But you do have to get him out of your life emotionally. Usually the less interaction the better. Do not be drawn into letting him take up valuable space and energy in your head and in your heart that you should be concentrating on yourself and your own new life. Accept divorce and it’s consequences.
But the next question is what’s really important: What do I do now; how to get through a divorce?
Step Two: Deciding To Take Control Of Your Life
You can’t get through or get over your divorce issues today. There are too many. In fact, some psychologists say to count on one year of recovery and healing after divorce for every five to seven years you were married! I said, “I don’t have that long! I might be dead by then!” Other professionals say that you need one month of recovery time for every year of marriage. That still seemed too long to me.
My honest opinion is that divorce takes at least one year of serious work to get through successfully. I say a year, because part of the grieving process includes mourning all of those anniversaries that happen over a year. Holidays, birthdays, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and other personal, couple or family anniversaries. Allowing yourself time to really grieve is necessary to move forward. You can take control by accepting that you must mourn this loss.
But the real step to divorce recovery is when you understand that the rest of your life is up to you. Your wasband doesn’t control you now. He is not in charge of your happiness; you are. Whatever happens in the rest of your life is your choice. You have the choice to decide to spend your days being bitter and angry, or you can decide to find things to celebrate and be thankful for.
When you’re on this journey, you decide if you’re going to get out of bed every morning and find something productive to do, or if you’re going to stay in bed in an emotional and physical dump all day. So get in your head that getting over divorce means taking personal control, and taking responsibility for your life. Your future is up to you.
That brings us to step number three, which determines success or failure in the process of getting through divorce.
Step Three: Taking Actions Everyday That Move You Forward
Start with baby step; it’s a process. So in the beginning, concentrate on doing tiny actions that will start you on the road to your best new life after divorce. I know this whole thing sounds exhausting and getting through divorce can be exhausting.
When you first wake up every morning try saying to yourself, “Thank you that I made it through the night.” Add five new things to your list every morning, “Thank you for my eyes. Thank you that I can walk into the kitchen and have something good to eat. Thank you for coffee. Thank you that I have two legs and the freedom to use them.” This seemingly simple attitude adjustment toward gratitude will be profound in bringing about healing in your heart.
All through the day, focus on taking these small (but really, really important) steps forward. Before you do something, ask yourself, “will this move me forward or does this keep me stuck in the divorce pit?” Always make the choice to take those small actions to keep moving forward. Taking action also means getting the resources you need like coming to this site. That’s a very positive step in the right direction. You’ll get help and encouragement and tools to keep on Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love.
Getting over a divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be the most challenging and frustrating experience you ever face in life. But the truth is, learning the lessons involved in getting over divorce can be the most powerful lessons you ever learn:
- Accepting life as it is right now
- Making the choice to take control
- Then doing the things that will move you forward