“ You don't make progress by standing on the sidelines, whimpering and complaining.
You make progress by implementing ideas.”

Shirley Chisholm Congresswoman

Table of Contents

Introduction

I know exactly how she feels. Stories like this have become much too personal and much too familiar. I had been living the same nightmare. I know what my friend is going through, and if you’re reading this book, you are probably feeling those same devastating feelings.

In our small suburban neighborhood, there were four of us going through almost exactly the same situation, and we had a half dozen other close acquaintances in a similar storm as well. We had each been married at least 25 years. Almost all of us had struggled most of the time, happily through the early years of building families and helping our husbands build their careers or professions. Now, just when things were beginning to calm down a little, slow down a little, all hell breaks loose.

My husband had a full-blown, three-year affair with a younger woman. He put absolutely everything at risk - his career, his family, even his relationship with his children. To try to explain it away as a midlife crisis is a cowardly cop-out. It is evidence of a devastating epidemic of self-centeredness, resulting in the destruction of long, good marriages and real flesh-and-blood families.

Not one of us were perfect wives. Our husbands weren’t perfect husbands. We had marriages similar to most marriages with difficulties, baggage and two sides to every problem. We had good times and struggles. We had laughter and tears. But we all had strong, solid families with good and in our opinions extraordinary children who were maturing and making their way in life. Some of us have grandchildren. But then, all of a sudden our husbands wanted a different life.

Top

The Radical Women

We began to call ourselves the “Radical Women.” The husband of each was having an affair with another woman. I was crushed when I found out about my husband, as was every other woman. And it wasn’t only that each husband was having an affair, as devastating as that was, but that each was actually willing and eager to leave a relationship 25 or 30 or more years in the making. If you are a Radical Woman, a woman going through a divorce, I’m sure the despair of that realization has set up camp somewhere in your life, too.

I asked a few of the women I knew who were going through a midlife divorce to meet every other week at my house. I put together a workbook to give some form to our first discussion. I was afraid we might all sit down around the table and just start crying and not be able to stop. I wanted some sort of agenda in hand to prevent that. As it happened, there were tears to be sure, but there was actually some laughing. My older brother jokingly said that he would call during the first meeting, and if the only thing he heard in the background were uncontrollable sobbing, he would send help.

The first Radical Recovery group met on shaky legs, and we began talking about the challenges we were facing. This book is the result of several years of those meetings, and it includes observations and input from everyone in the group. You are just getting our side of the story, of course. But if you’re reading this, chances are you are going through a divorce, and our side is probably your side, too. None of us wanted to be divorced. We had no choice. Together, we slowly began our process of Radical therapy and healing. We gained strength and courage and confidence from each other every time we met. We hope you will benefit from our journey, too.

Top

The Radical Stage Names

In some small way, giving ourselves stage names made us feel able to choose how to respond to this life-altering event. The names made us feel stronger and more alive at a time when we felt weak and defeated. Choosing a stage name was a way to show that we wouldn’t let this situation destroy us which was possible, unfortunately. We could use the stage names, if needed, to refer to ourselves or to write about ourselves incognito. And they were fun. Some women never get over a terrible divorce. Instead, we wanted to be more full of love and life on the other side of this trauma.

I know this divorce is not what you wanted. You never dreamed your life would unfold like this. You never thought you’d be here at this point in your life story. But the fact is, this is where you are. Accept that serious reality, and start the process of healing by taking one rebellious bit of control and figure out your own stage name just in case you ever need it!

Top

The Radical Meetings and Stage Book

I know you’ve been crying a lot lately, and that’s all the more reason for a good laugh now and then. All of us have done some pretty ridiculous things during this time of upheaval, and sharing those stories and laughing about them is very therapeutic. I’m not sure someone who has not been through a midlife divorce would fully appreciate or be able to really share in our sometimes-bizarre humor. We laughed at both the ridiculous things we had done, and about the things we fantasized doing to our ex-husbands and to our ex-husbands’ girlfriends. We never would have really done the things – I don’t think! – but knowing that other Radical Women had thoughts like that, too, was a help. Healing begins by recognizing that there are things to laugh about. Certainly we all know way too much about the tears. Reading about other women who have lived through all this is invaluable.

Our meetings were not “poor pitiful me!” gatherings. They were not pity parties or gripe and moan parties, bash the bum parties or victims anonymous meetings. They were Radical Recovery meetings. A Radical Recovery group that said, “Okay, this is horrendous, but what now?” It was an “I hate this, but how can I learn something good from this or help my children through this?” kind of group.

Early on it is hard to even talk to anyone about what’s happening. I kept thinking my situation might be resolved before anyone found out. It’s embarrassing and humiliating when your husband decides you’re not quite fun enough or pretty enough or worth enough and runs off with another woman (and in our opinion, a shameful excuse for a woman at that!). But when I talked with other women who had been going through the same thing, they knew. They understood how my heart was aching, how I thought I might not make it through the day or night, why I kept thinking hope against hope that he would come to his senses.

Our goal has been that by sharing what we have learned, we can help ourselves and at the same time help other women get through the tragedy of a midlife divorce.

If you start your own Radical group, a good number of members is five to 12. Keep your ears open for women who are struggling. They will show up everywhere, I’m sad to say. Pick a safe, relaxed meeting place where feelings, however angry or sad or confused, can be expressed without fear or worry. Stick to soft drinks, bottled water, cider, coffee and tea and save anything stronger for other occasions! We need clear heads without any artificial stimulation making our erratic emotions even worse.

Set a time for the meeting to begin and end. Stay focused. Accept each woman where she is in the process. Don’t get sidetracked into talking only about how terrible he was and how unfair it all is. We’re looking for solutions. We can’t do anything about the past, but we can grab hold of the future with honest enthusiasm and a heartfelt anticipation of good things to come.

The women in the original Radical group and almost every other woman in this situation say they need one thing more than anything else “I just need hope.” We all felt a level of hopelessness in the beginning, so if that is your overriding emotion, don’t feel alone. It’s the ground zero starting point. This book was written to give us all a solid sure basis for hope. Hope that we can survive. Hope that we won’t always feel this horrible agonizing pain in our hearts, and hope that we can somehow reach a deeper understanding about what life at its best can be.

We want reassurance that God’s purpose for our lives is being continually developed, especially through this. By taking hold of God’s power within us, by recognizing the wisdom of the ages and by taking courage from the examples of women who have survived and blossomed during this ordeal, we can all have hope.

But first we have to survive. First we have to make the decision that this detour will not destroy us, but instead will make us stronger and more loving and more joyful than we have ever been. This book’s purpose is not to help you survive until you get into another relationship. It will help you realize that you have the power regardless of any outward circumstances to choose joy and to choose fun and to choose goodness, peace, contentment and an excited anticipation about life. Even if you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Even if your husband marries a beautiful skinny woman half your age. Even if your children go spend Christmas with him and his girlfriend at the home you helped build and decorate. Even if you are single the rest of your life.

So, first of all, set your sights on a new hope. This Radical Recovery book can help you get through the next few minutes and hours and days and months, and, of course, all the nights. The process is not easy. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to come to grips with the devastation of lost dreams. Divorce is a death that must be mourned before we can move on. It’s a grief-filled road that simply has to be traveled.

This book is not magic, but it will help you on your journey. It’s not just a self-help book. It utilizes a Radical approach to achieve Radical results. It applies Radical principles to discover Radical joy. It takes a life-shaking, life-changing experience and finds ways to use that experience to teach us to fully appreciate and share this feast of life. But to get to where you want to be, you can’t avoid the hard but liberating work of recovery and renewal.

Right now you may be thinking that nothing worth the terrible losses will ever come from this. But let me assure you, life can be good again. Life can be full of wonder and beautiful amazement and honest-to-goodness laughter again. It doesn’t seem possible from where you are right now, I know. But it has happened in my life and in the lives of other Radical Women. One of the first women in our Radical group said, “I would not wish this on anyone, but I wouldn’t give it up even with all of the anguish and pain, because it has brought me a new relationship with God and with people that I would never have had. It has changed my life in a way that’s worth everything.” Now that’s a glimmer of hope!

Our goal is to use the unwanted experience of midlife divorce to develop a fresh understanding of the magnificence and preciousness of life. Many women, unfortunately, stay angry and full of hatred and despair until the bitter end, literally. But what good is that? Life isn’t fair. It never has been. It never will be. We can either moan and groan endlessly about that, or we can lift our heads up, put our shoulders back and say, “I don’t have long on this earth, and I am going to make the best of every single day no matter what!”

Let him and his girlfriend live their shallow, little pitiful life. Let them live the weak, embarrassing life they’ve chosen. You deserve something better. You know what real love and life are about, and you can demonstrate to those around you that you won’t let the smallness of someone else’s actions destroy your goodness and grace. You can either die a slow lifelong death of ugliness and remorse, or you can live every minute of life as a glorious gift to enjoy and appreciate and share.

Another thing that helped all of us was the simple act of sharing our stories. If you are reading this book and have not shared your situation with anyone, you should. I did not tell anyone for more than six months, and it would have been easier if I had. Talk to a trusted friend or family member. Talk to someone at your church. Find a counselor.

In the beginning, my husband and I met with a counselor who was seeing us both individually and as a couple. He was also seeing other people connected to the situation. Although he gave me solid helpful advice and talked me through some very tough days, I decided he had too many irons in the fire, and I got my own counselor. She is a Christian counselor who never quoted one Bible verse, but has definite Christian values. She was down-to-earth and straightforward. She let me cry. She made me laugh. She was invaluable in guiding me toward the hard decisions I needed to make.

Using plain English, she helped me see the situation as it was, instead of how I wanted it to be, and she gave me confidence to make godly decisions based on that reality. She was an incredible resource during all of this and turned out to be a good friend. If your marriage cannot be mended, find a good attorney who is fair, but who will stand up for you and negotiate strongly on your behalf. My attorney was compassionate, bright and professional. Her ultimate goal was to get me the best settlement possible. Find an advocate like that. Remember, it is your life. You have to make the final choices about the professionals you hire, and about what they do.

And, while you’re at it, find a good dependable plumber.

Top

A Word of Caution

All I know is that I could not have made it through this ordeal without God. I was struggling to get through every hour of every day and every night. Believing that there is a God who created me and formed me and redeemed me and who knows my name and the number of hairs on my head and sees my every tear, brings me a confidence I would have no other way. It gives meaning to the suffering. It gives hope that the sadness may be used for good in the long run.

Some of you reading this may feel you can handle your situation on your own. I couldn’t. I was so sad and so angry and so hurt that I wasn’t doing well with anything. Some days, I could have strangled both my husband and his girlfriend. In my mind it would have been justified, but I don’t believe that’s the message God wants me to tell. The message he wants me to broadcast is that love is the best way, and that rage and revenge and ugliness will not bring the joy I desire into anyone’s life, especially my own. Those reaping and sowing laws are true no matter what your religious background.

We rarely talked about God in our actual Radical meetings. We talked more about what to do with the Christmas stockings and the family pictures, what to do about health insurance, and how to survive sharing our children with his girlfriend. This book turned out to be a handbook of survival strategies from all the Radical women, and also a record of my own spiritual journey to joy.

So if you are reading this Radical guide, use what parts of it you can. Skip over the rest. The concepts in this book have helped others and me, and I hope they will help you. God doesn’t solve our problems. He gives us the power to do that ourselves. God doesn’t make everyone do just what we want them to, but he does give us guideposts of behavior that will bring joy and contentment into our lives no matter what anyone else is doing. Some days during this mess, I simply could not conjure up that assurance on my own. Some days I couldn’t stop crying long enough to formulate any positive thought at all. Some days, my belief in God was absolutely the only thing that I could hold on to that gave me any peace. To me it was a lifeline to hope and at a time when I was barely holding on.

Another benefit of believing in God is that he expects us to take control in our lives. We become proactive and stop being victims. I believe God expects us to be his ambassadors in this world. He doesn’t want us to be weak, sniveling, wimpy people. He expects us, as his beloved children, to be bold and strong enough to tell his story and be his good cheer in a world that is often unfair and hurtful and selfish and mean. What this situation is helping me learn is that God wants to use us and bless us and give us an abundance we can’t even imagine.

If that’s too religious, or too much God for you, maybe you should look for help in a different book. But for those of you who are willing to search for the big picture in all of this, and are willing to be strong enough to get the victory against all odds, and to show your children and your friends and your world that you will rise above this with unbelievable peace, and undeniable joy, and a rich, full love, then read on. Get ready for the battle, and expect an amazing triumph in your life.

Okay, let’s get started!

Top