“When you are under the domination of others you degenerate into something less than a complete person.” ~ Secret Mental Powers by Frank Rudolph Young
As I read further into Frank Young’s book, I discovered a chapter entitled, The Secret Mental Power to Protect Yourself from Domination by Others. His observations are surprisingly accurate. Read and see if you can’t relate to how your wasband treated (and may still be treating) you:
“When you are dominated by someone, your best thinking and behavior are submerged and allowed to rise back only to the level to which your dominator will permit. Your whole make-up is enslaved to his whims and fancies and is subservient to his moods.
Since he will consider you only as a good-natured robot with half the intelligence he has, he treats you like one and converts you into such a creature because your physiological language attunes itself to that state (my italics).”
An Unequal Partnership
It wasn’t until after my midlife divorce that I began to see how unequal our marriage was; and I contributed to it. I did not demand that my voice be heard, instead I sought to keep the peace. My priority was helping him accomplish his goals.
If I disagreed with anything my wasband wanted, I was ‘selfish and self-centered.’ If I wanted to rein in our spending, I was ‘a stick in the mud who never wanted to have any fun.’ If I mentioned his drinking, I was being ‘self-righteous.’
I think women who are trying to be spiritual as well as physical, social and intellectual partners have more trouble with the domination issue than women who do not submit to the Christian concept of marriage. I know I was trying to be a helper to my then-husband. However, as I look back, I became an enabler.
Standing Up For Yourself
I did not stand up for what I knew was right in our marriage. The relationship became not a relationship of two equals, but a relationship where my honest needs, wants and wishes were always subjugated to his.
Even after our divorce, he did not like it when I started standing up for myself. Most men who are used to getting their own way all the time, don’t. He still wanted to control my thinking and me. Recognizing the problem is half of the solution. Start noticing the ways in which your wasband is still quietly trying to dominate you.
Understand that the best love includes equal respect and flexibility by both parties of the relationship. Keep that in mind for the future.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud; it does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (The Living Bible)
This is so true and I am struggling to be more giving to myself than of myself to others. The problems is that we always try to make everyone happy but forget about ourselves over time and it is scarey making decisions and even just spoiling yourself once you break away from the dominator. I am so happy now because yes my new partner is trying so hard to break my habit and allowing me to be a queen instead of the slave in the relationship. I made that mistake of enabling my wasband and still struggling to be more giving to myself in doing thing for me first.