You Can End the Pain


Being responsible for ourselves means making difficult choices. Try everything you can to make your marriage work. Then, if necessary, take responsibility for choosing to let go of something that cannot be.

“We all tend to want somebody else to change so we don’t have to put all that effort into being responsible for ourselves.”  Laura Schlessinger, Ph.D.

In the middle of the lying and betrayal leading up to divorce, We want desperately for our husband to change.  I admit I wanted that. We want him to end his relationship with his girlfriend and come back to us emotionally and physically.  They usually don’t.  My husband didn’t.  I think the difficulty in Dr. Laura’s advice is that when you’re married, you promise to be responsible for not only yourself, but you take on a certain responsibility for the other person and for the marriage.  And I think that is the way it should be.  I was trying desperately to embrace my responsibility to my husband and to our marriage.  But in the process of trying to make him change his behavior, I took too long to accept that he was not going to change.  Only after three long horrible years, did I really start taking responsibility for myself again.  Dennis Wholley in his book, The Miracle of Change, puts it perfectly: “Sometimes we just have to admit defeat, quit, and give whatever we are struggling with to God.  The short form is I can’t.  He can.  Let him.”  I think every woman who has given her all to save her marriage should be commended.  Most of us didn’t give up without a fight, and that’s okay.  But even now when your husband has no intention of giving up the path he has chosen, your best option is to put the situation into God’s hands and with your approval, God will change you. He will begin to transform your life into what he has been planning all along.  And speaking from experience, you won’t believe how wonderful that is!

“I know what I’m doing.  I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”  Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)


About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.

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