The Divorce Process: When To Date Again

2018-01-10T18:10:32+00:00

“Never get involved with a flamenco dancer, no matter how gorgeous, whether he is from New Jersey or Peru.” ~ From Normal Is Just A Setting On The Dryer

A Desire For Closeness

Some of you may be at the point where you are beginning to think about dating again. But the danger is that you fall into a relationship that you know you shouldn’t, because you are lonely.

A woman in my first RADiCAL group said, “I would like to just put a bag over my head and a bag over some guy’s head and just have a good ‘night in bed!’ (–not her exact phrase!)

I was married for 33 years. That meant sex whenever I wanted it. But when you are suddenly divorced, you hunger for that part of a relationship; the companionship, the physical sharing, the closeness. Normal, natural, every day, wonderful sex.

Filling The Void With A Man

A psychologist who spoke on grieving at one of my boot camps indicated that women tend to fill their ‘lonely void’ with either eating, spending or relationships. Common sense and the sad experiences of other women prove that “rebound” relationships or relationships based on physical attraction alone can bring unwanted consequences.

Some of you are separated and not even divorced yet. I do not recommend dating during your separation. It’s an emotional time that leaves you needy for reassurance that you’re okay as a woman, and a “rebound man” is not the ideal choice to find that validation.

Consider This Before Beginning Dating Again

Before you even consider dating again, focus on making yourself strong and confident again. Go to dinner with friends. Enjoy platonic relationships.

But stay away from the flamenco dancers, the bar frogs, the guys ‘on the make.’ Don’t get into a situation that will not be good for you. You’re just recovering from that. Take your time and use good judgement. Forgive me if I sound like a dorm mother, but if it will save you heartache, I’m willing to sound any way I need to.

P.S. By the way, middle aged men have been shown to practice less “safe sax” measures than other age groups. You may be past the “getting pregnant” stage (or not!), but sexually transmitted diseases are still a huge risk.

“Keep your eyes open for spiritual (including sexual) danger …” ~ I Corinthians 16:13a (The Living Bible)

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About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.