Define Yourself After Divorce


Your divorce is absolutely one of the most challenging transitions you will ever make.  But, stop and think about it a minute:  life at it’s best is a constant adjustment.  All transitions are challenging. They require a redefinition of who we are.

First we leave home as a college student or we move into our own apartment.  We get married.  We become a mother and that means redefining ourselves to incorporate our new responsibilities. We take on a new position at work.  When a last child leaves home for college or for his or her own independent life, we have to readjust. But when we suffer the loss of life as we know it because of divorce, we are called upon to incorporate literally hundreds of changes into our day-to-day existence. And most of the time, it’s a change we didn’t want and had forced upon us, either when things got so bad we couldn’t maintain our integrity in that situation or our wasband just decided he was done and wanted someone or something else.

I truly believe a midlife divorce that we didn’t want is the biggest challenge we will probably ever have to face. But here’s something from a book I found in the bargain bin at Barnes and Nobel that has some really good things in it.  “During these difficult transition times, you have to begin again to define clearly who you really are.” ~ Sheldon Kopp in Blues Ain’t Nothing But a Good Soul Feeling Bad – Daily Steps to Spiritual Growth

Though you can’t see it at first, this life change may be an unexpected opportunity for good as well. It definitely was for me … eventually.  Your life right now is a big giant tornado of change all in one seemingly horrific disaster … your divorce. But because it is so all encompassing, it gives you an incredible chance to re-evaluate and to rebuild from the ground up.  And in the process to define yourself in better, more adventurous, more exciting and fulfilling ways.

Picture your house being totally destroyed with absolutely everything you hold dear gone, and that is close to what you are facing. You have two choices after you sit in the rubble and moan and cry and sob for a while. You can stay in the ruins and whine and complain and be an eternal victim. Or you can rebuild. You can start to look at books with houseplans. You can cut out pictures from magazines of rooms you like and colors you identify with and spaces you might enjoy. You start thinking about what kind of house you want now. You can do that with your life as well.

In our MasterPlan we help you create your new vision.  We have Live My Vision cards to keep in your purse or a by your bed.  We have Live My Vision pages to give you a place to start visualizing (through pictures from magazines and words and colors and ideas you want to try as you start figuring out your new life vision.)  Take advantage of this opportunity to “define clearly who you really are” as Sheldon Kopp suggests.  Even if you feel just a little tinge of excitement, that’s a start.

You have to grieve. Cry. Mourn. Then slowly start thinking about your new life. You are a child of God. You have choices. God has a plan for you. People you care about are watching to see how you deal with this.  Don’t stay in the trash pile. Get up! See what God can do with this amazing person he created (YOU!), who may just now have an opportunity to create a life that lets you shine like never before!

“Those who are wise — the people of God — shall shine as brightly as the sun’s brilliance, and those who turn many to righteousness will glitter like stars forever.”  Daniel 12: 3 (The Living Bible)

Who can you turn to righteousness by your response to this life challenge?  I think more people than you can imagine!  Start creating your new vision today.  We can help.  Go to and we can get you started.

About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.

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