Amid everything that’s been going on with the coronavirus and the state of the world right now, we wanted to see if we could provide some helpful advice as you’re dealing with this and the challenges you’re already experiencing. Our Midlife Divorce Recovery team recognizes that our audience is unique in that you are already dealing with one of life’s great stressors – a divorce (pending or finalized). With that, fear and anxiety about a global pandemic may seem overwhelming to you. In addition to its own set of scary challenges, you may personally be facing increased loneliness, fear and worry due to isolation.
Getting through this unprecedented time requires more than just keeping our bodies safe; we also have to keep our minds and souls happy; we need to have a positive attitude so that we have the strength to face each day. That can be done.
If you have listened to news at all, you are already getting plenty of advice on how to lower the coronavirus risk, and what you need to have in your homes to get by for a few months while cities all over the world are implementing social distancing. We’re more concerned about helping you get and keep your attitude healthy while you are isolated.
Just to put staying positive in perspective to this situation, let me quote a famous psychologist, Viktor Frankl, “Everything can be taken from you, but one thing; the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
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How can we have a good attitude when the world is in crisis mode?
Frankl was one of the millions of Jews placed in Nazi concentration camps in WWII. The Hitler regime took literally everything from him: his wife, children, home, medical practice and all his worldly possessions. In camp he witnessed brutality of the highest inhumane degree possible. To survive, he was determined to find something that the Nazis couldn’t take from him. He decided that there was one thing that no one could take away – his ability to choose his own attitude – no matter how bad conditions became. Not only did he survive, but he went on to help countless others find a new way to be victorious instead of being a victim of circumstances.
A killing virus is no small thing either, and precaution, plus adherence to Center for Disease Control (CDC), World Health Organization (WHO), and local authority advice is imperative for everyone’s safety.
It’s most likely that we will all survive this. Most of us are not going to get the virus if we follow precautions. What we will experience is being stuck at home, inconvenience, major disruption to our normal lives, and possibly financial strain. None of that is easy, but it’s not loss of life, and it’s temporary. No one knows the length of time or extent of this disruption to life as we know it, but we do know other countries are getting through it with a return to some normalcy.
As a kick-off to increase your positive attitude, begin by redirecting your thoughts to work for you. How? Truly, we do need virus information, but we don’t need to be fixated on news all day long. Hearing about the pandemic repeatedly and not taking a break from it is more upsetting. So, pull away from the news and do other things.
We need to be more sanitary than usual, but we don’t need to panic over germs in our homes. We need to practice social distancing, but we can and should still get sunshine and fresh air from our own backyards, or even sitting by a sun-streaming window.
Go on a brain-changing, life-altering exercise during this unusual time we’re all in! This is your chance to practice embracing a POSITIVE ATTITUDE! It may be the most important thing you’ll do during this viral crisis.
Our Midlife Divorce Recovery Program has a one of a kind online community of sisters. In our MDRcommunity, there is full anonymity, and it is a safe, secure online space to connect with other women also going through divorce. Amazing stories, grieving, healing, and yes, humor, goes on in that place. We’d like to welcome you to join us to experience the power of the support of other women who understand.
While we’re taking stock of the good things we have in life, things we often take for granted, like medical staff, and good people who serve in so many ways, here are a few suggestions for activities that can keep you busy and happy:
Watch Movies ~ When you zone out with your good buddy Netflix, consider watching humor and more light-hearted topics.
Listen to Music ~ Dance wildly in your living rooms to your favorite tunes. Add Zumba!
Get Crafting ~ Try doing that project you never have time for. Or finish a project you’ve already started.
Play Games ~ Find some online games like crosswords, Sudoku, “Wheel of Fortune”.
Shop online ~ Stay away from crowded supermarkets and set up an online order.
Exercise ~ Find classes on YouTube. Stretch. Try yoga.
Plan ahead ~ What about that garden you are going to plant? Future recipes to make?
Organize ~ Get those files in order. Gather important papers. Totally clean your car.
Read ~ Try, “How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed” or other funny divorce books you can download.
Learn a new language ~ It’s free online at Duolingo
Start a journal ~ Try “The Book of Me.”
Enjoy virtual travel ~ Explore on YouTube.
Call a friend on Skype ~ If you haven’t done it before, figure it out. One rule: Don’t talk just about the virus to your friend, make the friend embrace POSITIVITY too.
Take a course to boost your earning potential – Look at LinkedIn Learning.
Explore downsizing, or just do a little Spring cleaning
Learn a new skill ~ making crepes, drawing, making your own notecards or candles … all on YouTube
Create a home spa ~ facial, manicure or pedicure, exfoliate, steam, spoil yourself.
Play with makeup ~ do a makeover on yourself = Smile! You are beautiful.
Watch TED Talks ~ on YouTube – find the humorous ones.
Explore Pinterest. So much fun and creative stuff going on there!
CLEAN, sanitize, wash windows, do all the once a year cleaning chores. One of my favorite things to do when I’m stuck at home is to wash the windows! I find that it’s a great way to get some exercise, and letting the sun in your house is good for you!
Find Ways to Keep a Sense of Humor ~ Laughter is the best medicine and even though things are serious, it is beneficial for you to find the humor in it.
We can get through this difficult situation if we stick together. Let’s support each other and try to stay positive. Keep in touch with the community of people who “get you”.
Take care everyone! “This, too shall pass.”
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I’m going through a divorce and find this Covid Pandemic and stay at home order a reminder of what it’s truly like being single again and doing this alone… day 8!
Just some background – it’s pretty text book case of spouse having affair. My husband said he was unhappy and needed to work on himself, so we separated. At that point we decided to live in two different homes. We spent 6 months apart and he sought out therapy for himself and conveyed he would give our marriage 100 percent of his focus and time when we got back together. Actually during this time and before the separation, he was having an affair and booking trips with this woman. I knew during our separation that he seemed especially distant and unavailable. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. My husband was once a doting. loving husband so the thought of him having an affair seemed far-fetched. The strangest part of this affair is who he chose – an escort with a long history of problems. You might think this was a temporary lapse in judgment but 2.5 years later he is still with this woman! My ex-husband to-be is a well-educated businessman. I was crushed by his deceitful ways. Honestly – I’m beginning to think no couple is immune to this sort of behavior. And while going through this terrible mess, my father passed away. Just a horrible time. After I found out about the affair, my husband left and never looked back. Although, as of lately he says he misses me. Anyway…the divorce will be finalized soon.
Now it’s Covid and we must stay at home. Many people are home with their families or significant other and I find it a bit tough doing this alone. I am a very independent person but this is lonely. I wonder what I would do, should something happen to me. Meanwhile he is with his troubled girlfriend. I know life is unfair…and things could be worse but going through this isolation made me realize how alone I really am… I try to keep busy but it’s still tough.
Hi Sharon
Tough times for you and other women out there in the same boat. I feel that this will be the time that you can make changes to your life regardless if you have a man or not. I have been a single mum for nearly 5 years now I was young when I fell pregnant and during my separation from my child’s dad. I had set up goals for me to achieve and it did help me a lot. One of the goal I continues do is to improve myself. At the start it gets lonely but I’m glad I had the opportunity to really get to know myself and improve the way I think(very important) the way I behave, present myself, and the way to parent my child in a healthy way.
Ladies it will be difficult at the start but you are stronger than you think, these are challenges in life that you need to walk through to become the person you will be in the future. Be aware of your emotions and the environment you put yourself into.
This lockdown – think of it as a blessing. Be thankful. Set goals, self care, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself everyday how beautiful you are and that you can through this. You are a great person and an amazing mum.
Take care.
Wow, Sharon
Your story sounds like mine.
Husband of 25 years left having an affair, 16 year old at home doing high school, my dad died 3/31 & I’m alone at home and losing sanity.
Husband sheltering at home with other woman & her 16 year old son. Doesn’t contact or see our son (he was the stay at home parent)
I’m so sorry- I too am beginning to believe no couple is immune to this. What I can’t understand is why people hurt other people so terribly.
I’m in the same boat Sharron. God is getting me thru this time and truly showing me an inner strength. Stay strong we can do this. God will handle the rest
I’m in the same boat Sharron. God is getting me thru this time and truly showing me an inner strength. Stay strong we can do this. God will handle the rest
This better be a big boat, there are a lot of us. I’m in it too. I’ve finally stopped lying to myself that somehow we can get through this stronger and together. God will never give us more than we can handle, we can do ALL things through Christ. Here are some others that gets me to not only get through my days but smile and singing.Also look up Karen Wheaton on face book. She has positivity coming through her like crazy.
Psalm 121, Roman’s 8:28, Jeremiah 33:3, Psalm 65:5, Ephesians 6, philippians 3:9, Isaiah 52:7, philippians 4:8, 2 Chronicles 20:15.
My prayers are with us all.
I started saying this last year to Myself. “God doesn’t give us more than HE can handle!!”
I believe this because no one person can defeat evil by themselves alone. God is in Charge.
I just found out that my husband of 25 years has been having multiple affairs. We have 2 amazing teenagers. Because of the pandemic, all of us are stuck at home. My husband has moved to the guest bedroom and wants a divorce. This is excruciatingly hard. Stuck together when I want to throw him out on the street. All I can think of is the humiliation my kids will face if I threw him out. I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do. He pretends nothing is wrong and cheerfully walks around the house. I hate him and I feel like throwing up every time I see him. I feel helpless. Please advice.
Hi Penny – Sorry you are going through this. What really helped especially at the beginning when I discovered my husband was having an affair was to pour myself into various websites like this one. I was astonished by how many people have gone through this sort of thing but with that, there was a lot of helpful advice that people shared. The advice that you will likely read is to focus on yourself, not him! It was the BEST advice. It’s difficult right now as we are sheltering in place but there are things you can do for yourself, like working out at home, taking walks…giving yourself facials, if you are into makeup order a new set from Sephora etc. I splurged and didn’t care about money at the time! Even now as time has passed I’m still focused on self development. I am logging on to a live golf training session tomorrow and I don’t even golf! I wanted to feel better about myself in a time where I felt like crap. It’s normal to struggle with anger, sadness and conflicting emotions of feeling love and hatred. I am able talk to my soon to be ex-husband without ending up in a fight and things are much better. I’m taking the high road. Honestly, I think the guilt has been incredibly difficult for him as time has gone on. Something he has not come to terms with… However, at the beginning he didnt seem to care and was clueless about the pain he caused. He is still with his girlfriend but I sense things are not great. I felt helpless as well but you will get through this no matter the outcome even though it seems unimaginable. Again, try to focus on yourself. If you still feel there may be hope, you may want to consider couple’s therapy or therapy for yourself. Many therapists are providing help via Telehealth.
April 17 Clara
My ex walked away 2 year’s ago on December 23rd . We were together off and on for 35 years. He was narcissistic, drug and alcohol addictive. To make matters worse he moved to Florida , with a supposedly friend of the both of ours. She befriended me on Facebook and the whole time she was betraying me. He did me a favor and so did she. It was the worse Christmas that I can remember besides , the one’s he spoiled by his behavior over the years. I have a grown daughter by this moron and her son was born with special needs. I was able to focus on the newness of my life.Praise God! Have not committed to anyone, have been dating however ,it seems like I continue to attract this sameness in these narcissistic men. I have learned how to spot them the 1st time red flags. Hopefully, not settling for out of loneliness, Mr. Right will find me in the wholeness, of a healed Woman ready for love!
Good for you. Living with a narcissistic man once is enough. Being able to see the red flags now will save you from that torture happening again.
I am in the process of trying to get divorced. My narcissistic husband is preventing that process for reasons I don’t understand. We have been unhappily married for over ten years, tried therapy three times. I have endured emotional abuse for years, to the point where I don’t even know who I am anymore. We have two children one has graduated college and one is a sophomore in college. Both kids know how unhappy our home has been, how much their father drinks and yells and controls everything.
I finally found the courage to serve him papers this past November. He is stalling and constantly blaming me saying I will bankrupt the family and I will end up poor and a burden to our kids.
Now with Covid I am trapped in a house with him. He sleeps in another room. We live in a small home and he takes up all the spaces. He works out to really loud music- he walks around sighing all the time, sits at his computer at the kitchen table just manspreading out. We do not speak to each other at all. The tension is unbearable. If he does speak to me it’s just to hurl insults. To be clear I am not afraid for myself physically . He starts drinking around 7 and usually drinks at least one bottle of wine a night sometimes two.
Thankfully I have a dog whom I walk more than usual now just to get out and breathe. I spend most of my day stressing over how I will make a living after we divorce. I have always worked part time jobs while the kids were home. However I do not have a college degree. I left a lucrative career to relocate for my husband when we were young and to raise young children. Now at 55 I feel overwhelmed & under qualified.
Wow! Probably shouldn’t write these at 2am when I can’t sleep.