Men who cheat on their wives and then leave the marriage cause a devastating ripple effect throughout the whole family. Most of us wonder if they ever regret it. We ask ourselves, “How could he do this after everything we’ve been through together…and with these amazing children we have?” It’s normal to wonder why your husband left your family and if he ever regrets the destruction that he caused.
When divorce happens – especially after infidelity, most men say they are not abandoning their family. They say to us, “This divorce is about you and me, not about our family.” They say they aren’t leaving our family…just us. When infidelity or abuse or addiction is involved, they also often say they didn’t leave us, but that it was our decision to file for divorce. Sigh.
The thing is, when a man leaves his wife, or decides he wants another woman (who often has children of her own), that usually means not being a daily presence in his own children’s lives. It means he isn’t going to be taking a full part in helping with his family. It creates a sense of uncertainty in so many ways.
Whether our culture acknowledges it or not, the loss of a good, strong man in a family is destabilizing on many levels. But do guys regret divorce that they caused or the abandonment of their family and their responsibilities? I’m not sure.
Throughout history, the father of the family was thought to be the “protector” of the family. Family roles in our time have changed and are constantly in flux…and some change is good. But deep down, I think many realize that having a good, strong, caring person who is there as the final defense in a family is reassuring and makes the family feel safe. It also helps children be more secure and optimistic and successful in life.
A strong, good primary family has a better chance of launching strong, confident children into the world. Do cheating husbands ever think about that? Do they regret the losses they create all around?
Everything I am going to say is a generalization. But I think men have an innate makeup that is different from women. We need good men. (We don’t need men who put themselves above everything else…including their children!)
Women are better off when a good man is there supporting her as a woman and as a mother.
Children are better off when a father helps set (and enforce) the rules of good behavior.
Young men are better off with strong, positive, dependable male role models.
Young women are better off with strong fathers to help them develop their own confident identity.
Our neighborhoods, churches and social groups need strong men supporting each other to do the right thing and be the right kind of person. Life is usually better, easier and more secure for everyone when there are strong, good men involved. Do men who cheat and abandon their families regret not filling that important role in their family? In their society?
Men taking responsibility to be that strong support for their family is less likely today. Our culture tends to make men either irrelevant or demeans them as being a threat to all of us, simply because they are men. Our entertainment world depicts some fathers as incompetent, incapable, nincompoops. Others are shown as overbearing, authoritarian, know-it-alls.
As women, we wonder how a man we have been with for 15 or 20 or 30 or more years can just leave us and our children. I wondered that myself. All I know is that it is a great loss for our families, our neighborhoods, our schools, our churches and for our country as a whole when good men abandon their family for whatever reason. It’s a loss we should all regret.
The question is, how do we deal with this increasingly common, but very significant, cultural and personal loss? Do men even realize what damage they are doing by leaving us and their children? If they ever do feel regret, when does that regret kick in?
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How Long Before Men Regret Leaving?
From my own experience through talking with the women we help, it seems as if there is a lengthy “honeymoon” phase in the ex’s new life after he starts his affair or marries his new woman. He has done so much damage to himself, and to his first wife and family, that he usually tries extremely hard to make his new relationship work.
Men who break their promises and betray their families usually have no room or time to think about regret. Occasionally, they may have pangs of regret when milestones with the children are missed. Or when their family moves forward without them. But they seem to not allow themselves to go to that regret space very often. Instead, they blame us and our children for excluding them, and so regret doesn’t have a chance.
Men who leave relationships also don’t allow themselves to consider the fact that they may have made a mistake. Instead, they go full speed ahead to make everything in their new life seem perfect! Admitting that they may have made a mistake is very hard to do after the destruction and disappointment they have left in their wake everywhere.
For a man to regret leaving his wife and to admit that there is something to be sorry about, he would have to be vulnerable enough to be honest with himself and to have an active conscience. Most men are unlikely to share their regret with anyone. It would be too painful to admit.
Why Do Men Regret Leaving?
After we ask the basic question, Do Men Regret Leaving? We then have a smaller subset and can also ask, “If men do regret leaving, why do they regret it?” He may have second thoughts if his new love isn’t as wonderful as he thought she was. Maybe her children are mad at him, like his children are mad at her. Maybe, it’s simply that he may have two households to help support now. Maybe when the chase was over, the catch wasn’t what he hoped for.
Men are unlikely to spend much time asking themselves, like women do, “What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently and better? Why didn’t I understand what he needed?
I can’t personally get inside of a man’s thoughts. I can only go by what I hear from the women I help. Men are unlikely to ever admit they are hurting in the first place. If they do, it’s rare that they realize it’s usually because of bad choices they made. In Psychology Today, a therapist has information to share for why a man might leave and whether he might have regrets later.
Most women going through divorce get support. We sign up to get help. We go to the self-help section in the bookstore. In our resources, I often ask women how many of them think their ex-husband is snuffling around the self-help section at Barnes and Noble? Hardly any woman thinks her husband is doing that.
Instead, he acts like his life is amazing! His Facebook page is full of smiling, happy pics of his new love and him together. (She’s usually in something sexy!) He’s doing whatever he wants with whomever he wants whenever he wants. What is there to regret about that?!
Men and women tend to react differently when we have harmed someone. One of the ministers at our church said he hated to say this about men because “I are one :)),” but “men tend to go to a divorce recovery class to find a replacement for their ex. Women go to work on themselves, learn new relationship skills and get better.” (That’s another reason I strongly believe that divorce recovery groups need to be gender specific!)
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It Doesn’t Matter How He Feels
I always tell women who are going through divorce to stop ever expecting their ex-spouse to come to them and say, “I am so sorry. I made such a huge mistake. Can you ever forgive me?”
In my work with Midlife Divorce Recovery, women yearn for some sort of closure like that. They have visions where their ex or soon-to-be ex-husband admits he had some responsibility for the failure of the marriage and that he regrets leaving, and that she didn’t cause it.
I know from personal experience helping hundreds and hundreds of women, that it is very rare for a man to ever admit, especially to his wife, that he regrets that he left or regrets anything he did to make a divorce happen.
I did find an article, by a man who was full of regret and who felt so badly that he wrote an article telling men to think twice before having an affair and/or leaving his wife and family. If only men would see this article before they destroyed a family or left a good marriage.
If you’re a woman going through divorce or already divorced, stop hoping that your ex will ever admit to you that he regrets the divorce or regrets anything he did that led to the divorce. STOP EXPECTING THAT! It’s a waste of time and only leads to sadness and disappointment.
Don’t worry about whether your ex regrets leaving or not. It doesn’t really matter! The damage is done. You have your hands full trying to pick up the pieces. Don’t focus on something you can’t control…like some statement of regret from your ex-husband that wouldn’t change where you are, even if he had the guts to say it.
Your primary job now is for you to take care of yourself as you do the divorce grief work and healing work you have to do. Focus on YOU getting stronger…physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, financially and in every other way you can think of. That will be the best thing for your children, too. We can help make that happen.
My daughter is going through a painful betrayal, her husband has cheated and abused her, they are still living together because she didn’t sign up to share her kids who are still young, no fault is a joke, doesn’t want him to have the kids at all, need someone to fight for her rights, her whole life will change and she did none of this.
I’ve been betrayed by my husband of 18 years and am going through a legal separation. He found one of his married co-workers to be “the one”. I sent the article written by the man in the link to him. I think much of what he said was true. They focus on the negative of their marriage and put their energy into their new relationship instead of the marriage. I don’t know if sending my husband the article will help at all. I think they always think that their story will be different. He just has to live out destroying his life and family to see it for himself.
Hi Amanda
I have been married for 23 years, suddenly and after what I thought was a very strong marriage and 2 young adult sons, he found someone that listens to him, meanwhile I have worked 16 hour shifts to pay for more of the expenses and yet it’s all my fault, I love my husband very much but I realize he’s not a good person and has lied a lot moreover he’s not willing to work on our marriage. We are divorcing and of course I’m a horrible person for not letting him take responsibility. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out in the end.
Read this: https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/divorcing-narcissist-husband/
I don’t even know where to start. My husband/not husband announced he was “no longer all-in our marriage”. We had been together about 30 years. That was 5 years ago. He finally left but did not file for divorce for another year. During this time he did not consider himself married and began a relationship with an employee at his office. He even brought her on one of my sons soccer tournaments before we were divorced. We had a very difficult divorce legally. He fought the original verdict from our trial judge and appealed it, lost that and then appealed to the Supreme Court. Each of these proceedings and filings took years. Finally after 4 years a new judge forced mediation and due to the amount of money owed, contempt charges against him, legal fees, potential interest, other things that would come out in his contempt trial, he finally settled. The court proceedings were extremely stressful for both my self and my high school now college aged kids. None of which had a relationship with their father except for occasional texts or lunches here and there. Never a night spent at his house, he just disappeared into his new life. He stated to everyone that the divorce was between us and did not involve the kids. He stated the kids relationship or lack there of was caused by me. The kids lived with me and were aware that their father continued to fight the verdict, not pay what he was ordered to pay, and the stress it was causing me while I was caring for my dying mother and working an extremely stressful job. And of course they knew he was with another woman that was his employee. However, he has maintained that all of the negativity that has resulted from the divorce is my fault. He has stated this is why I am “getting what I deserve”. Regardless, I felt after the mediation that perhaps I could begin my healing as in my eyes, it was in finally over. However, 3 weeks later I received annulment papers from the Catholic Church as now he had filed to annul our marriage of 25 years. It was a devastating emotional blow to me. With the help of his family as “witnesses” he was granted his annulment in record time and was married in the Catholic Church a couple of weeks ago. The same church we had won “Family of the Year” in 2013 as our son gave the graduation speech for that year. I chose not to participate in the annulment as the priest informed me “it will go through regardless of what you do”. I could not imagine what his family could state about our marriage because they had never spent an evening in our home and we only saw them at family gatherings 2 times per year. I knew that reading whatever he stated and whatever they stated would be beyond hurtful. He has stated that his leaving had nothing to do with the girl in his office that had worked for him since she was 19 years old. He is 15 years her senior. I know that I could not compete with the beautiful young girls that he worked with and when they started having yearly swim parties and beer and wine tastings at the company I was not overly excited. Sounds like a cliche, but my worst fears came true. I would say that I was on my way to healing after the mediation. But the annulment, the stating that our marriage should never have been, the support by his family, all of it has been too much. I have lost my family. My boys do not want to deal with any of it any more. Their father contacted them 5 days before he was to marry to let them know. I don’t believe any of them attended his wedding. It is like we never existed and he wiped his slate clean. I know him well enough that if his marriage to me is now annulled then in his eyes he never committed adultery. In my eyes it’s kind of like I was raped for 30 years. It is all very difficult. I don’t know what is real anymore. I have been in survival mode for so many years and now with the annulment I feel numb. I was a stay at home wife and mother. I was not perfect, I grew resentful of my husband/not husbands time and attention to his success and company. But I was a great mom and I feel I was a good wife. I was a great wife for many years. I was home every night, I was a professional woman for many years. I feel he felt he deserved someone better, younger all in with him and his company. I wish I could have had that too. I just wanted that person to be him. Its not so much all of that that happened. Marriages end. It was the annulment, the public humiliation of saying he wished he never would have married me. It has been very hard to get past along with how brutal he was regarding the legal proceedings. That’s my story. I think it was probably too long for a first comment.
Laura, I am so sorry for your pain and suffering and the deep anguish and despair that you have experienced. It truly is a nightmare and a living hell. I’ve been through similar things with my ex. He did horrible things to me and our sons after he left. The long, hurtful, disturbing list is too much for me to go into right now. I think they do those deeply hurtful things that erase us, like the annulment, because they need someone to blame. They desperately need to validate to their friends and family, and also to themselves, why they left, and why they’re doing the horrible things they’re doing. They will never, ever look in the mirror and reflect and take any blame towards the destruction that they’ve caused. Our sons were 9 & 10 and we had been married for 20yrs when he said he was going grocery shopping and just never came home. I too was a homemaker and a good wife to him. I gave him all the
sex he wanted. I never suspected a thing. Here, he was having an affair for 3yrs. He was cold and calculating about his decision. After he was gone for 3 days, he called and said he was never coming home again, and that it was my fault. He had me and our sons thrown out of our house by court order. We had spent 20yrs together at that house, and both of our sons came home from the hospital to that house. It was the only house they ever knew. I had 30 days to pack up 20yrs of a life and two kids. Oh, and did I mention that I’m disabled and that I was two months pregnant when he decided to leave? My hand to God that’s the truth. After we vacated the house, he moved her in the next week. Into our family home where all of our memories of raising our kids were. And her, how could she do this to two kids, to a family? And yes, she knew all about us. I guess this had been their plan all along, to capture the house. I miscarried due to the stress. He did many horribly hurtful things to his children and me in the years after he left. It’s been 10yrs since he left and I’m deeply scarred and still not over it because of the things he did. It still hurts to this day. They aren’t happy. Since they live in my old house, I know the neighbors. They fight all the time. Constant screaming and arguing from what I’m told. To the point the police have been called a few times. I’m not sure how they expected to be happy after causing such deep misery to others. And yes, I relish their misery. After all, you can’t build a castle on sand. Karma is a true bitch! Please take care of yourself. ♥️
I know how you feel. !! I was married for years. My husband/ex-husband broke my heart several times. He would tell me he was going to the store. & I would not see him for. 2 weeks to 6 weeks. Then he would come back & swear it wouldn’t happen again so I would take him back. The last time he left our rent was due, we were out of food, & it was our youngest sons first birthday. We had planned to get our sons birthday gifts that day. I didn’t know what I was going to do.
We had a tree service with my brother-in-law named Danny Adams. We had a huge tree to take the top out of. The job was for $350. Danny couldn’t climb the tree because he had cut the calf of his leg with a chain saw. The wind was blowing pretty hard & I had never climbed a tree. I had no choice I had to do it.!!! Danny wouldn’t take a penny of that money because idid all the work. I got the gifra, got groceries & paid the rent. I got a divorce. He priced he didn’t care about us so I was through. He begged me to take him back. I was done & I wouldn’t take him back. It did break my heart though.
I cheated on my wife. I regret it everyday. I ruined a relationship 1/3 of our lives on this Earth for 1 poor decision. I wanted to get back together after we divorced. Apparently she did too but didn’t speak out about it. I ended up remarrying and then found out. It took me months to open my eyes and realized how much pain, how much self doubt, and damage to her heart and soul I put her through. Even remarried, I still wish things were back to the way they were. Everything bad that has happened to me is karma. I’ve mentally gotten to the point where I’d rather live alone because I don’t deserve love after ripping someone else’s love in pieces. Some days I wish I never wake up.
my husband did the same as you. But I don’t think he regrets it or loves me anymore because there is no indication he wants anything to do with me. We were the “perfect couple”, like lovebirds and he left me for someone from his job that is plain and mean.
interesting. and how does your new wife feel about you resenting her? do you care about hurting her with more of your selfish wants?
Dear Laura,
OMG. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I’m so, so sorry this happened to you and your boys. I think some middleaged men actually lose their minds at this stage in their lives. How else could they sleep at night with the destruction of their family’s? I pray your future is brigh and content.
My husband cheated on me with an old school friend. I was married to him for 20 years been together for 22 years. He was my first everything. First Boyfriend en first everything from there on. We stay in South-Africa and she stayed in America. She found him on facebook and thet started to talk. He was diagnosed in Feb 2018 with a tumor in his scull. It was a very bad time in our lifes. We did not know what to expect and where this was going. I though that they broke up the chatting but found out that they did not. In September just before my sons 20th Birthday my husband dissapear for 4 weeks. She came to South Africa bought him aplane ticket booked themselfs in a holiday rwsort in Cape Town. When he return it was our 20th wedding anniversity. At ten that night he told me what is going on. From there on she kept coming to South-Africa to spend time with my husband. She paid for the flat that he rented and paid for all his bills and bought him expensive clothes etc. She even paid for his divorce. He did not want anything to do with me and our two sons. In January 2019 she left and went back home and got married to her fiancé. My husband still that time was devestated with the news but that did not keep them from seeing eachother. She will fly in and out of the country, seeing him for two weeks then flew back home. It was a messy divorce. I refused her to meet my sons. My sons was not important to both of them when they started with their relationship. As soon as my divorce was finalized she held her husband hostage at gun point for trying to get him to sign divorce papers so that she can be with my ex husband. She was locked up for more than a month. This was all over the news and newspapers in Pensincola. Her husband was in the navy. I told my ex husband that i do not want her near my kids and will get full custody if i had to. Early this year i found out that she actually shot and killed her husband stating that she stand her ground. Meaning she is getting away with it. My ex said that they do not have any contact anymore but he can explain to me in detail what happened. I told him that i still dont want my son near her. If i have to i will go for full costudy. His family want nothing to do with him. He is all alone. He only has my brother inlaw as a friend and his older son with his friends, the rest dont want to talk to him. In the mean time my ex husband has lost his job and started to work for himself. He is struckling with work. He does help with all sort of stuff around the house and will give me exstra money etc. for things i just cant pay for. I am afraid that he is still in contact with her?…
What is dont understand is he will one day be very nice to me and will talk to me with so much respect, the way we were before she showed up and then he will help me financial with stuff that we need but i cant buy and the next moment i will get this ugly mail from him explaining that he does not need to do this stuff for me and my sons and that i must leave him alone.
He spents most days here with my kids. I keep to myself because i am sure that he is only here for them. He will pop up at the house and cut the crass and fix stuff and buy stuff with out me asking for help and then days later mail me with the ugliest words. I dont know what to make with this? It is like i do not know him at all.
I still love him so much. I stqrted a relationship with another men that really is so good for me, but there is days that i just wish for my marriage and my old life back.
My STBX, of 21 years of marriage, told me on 1/2/19 that he was done with our marriage and he wanted out. Although I had my suspicions, I found out several months later that he was cheating on me with a neighbor who was also going through a divorce. Of course everything is my fault–he re-wrote our history and blames me for things that some I take blame for and others I don’t. My daughter and I moved out of our family home in August and things are going pretty well for us. I am angry and still extremely hurt by what has transpired over the past 10 months. This morning, I actually woke up in a good mood, but wonder why it is that men who seem to be going through a midlife need to change everything in their lives…..why is it that I seem to be pushed into a midlife crisis as well? And I guess that is what bothers me the most—
It’s always easier to blame others than to take responsibility for our own actions. Blame says a lot about a person’s morality and ethics. Taking responsibility SHOWS you are willing to do the work to change. It can’t be all your fault and only one person changing and doing the work will never work in the long run. It’s good to hear you are doing well. Keep going…
My ex husband cheated and left me and our three daughters for my friend and her three daughters. Our daughters at that time were 6 months, 4 and 6. This happened 6 years ago, he only has our daughters 4 days a month but publicly shows up to all their events like he is the perfect father. Rarely helps drive the girls to their events but constantly helps her, supports her , and treats her like a queen. How can he just move onto another family and woman like we were nothing. He truly treats me like the hired help and I was never a factor in his life. We were together for 15 years and he never once showed remorse but instead said he needed to get a better life. I do not understand, how you just walk out on your wife who has an infant and two young daughters like it was nothing. Never once looked back, brings her to all of our children’s events like I never even existed. His family also thinks it’s great. Why do people not feel remorse or guilt anymore or respect their vows they took?
Laura, I do not know if you are still on this board but when I read your comment I stopped in my tracks. Your situation is like looking in a mirror. In 2015, my daddy and mom were no doing well. My husband and I had been married 28 years. We are both from Savannah and both of our families old Sav, families . Our Siblings also live there and do very well. We left in 2000…with our 3 young children and moved 80 miles away to our beach house in St Simons. My husband had gotten into trouble with insider trading as he was a stock broker . He was fired but that was it. But the entire town Knew. We started again , put our kids in the private school and I had worked in Broadcasting for 20 years but stopped working to move. He screwed up St Simons as well ,( finding himself ) so we moved again to our mountain house ( let me clarify , these vacation homes were modest ) we moved to N. Ga. And I opened an interiors shop, he went into developing . My shop,did very well…he did well for a year or so and then the 2008 market crash and housing crash killed both of our businesses. So we moved to Seacrest beach fl. Rented and I MADE him get his real estate license. He did and we hit it just right.. all of the multi million $ Homes that had been foreclosed on were 3 to,4 to 500k and lower. He became very successful….
……
I’m stronger than I thought …I want to let go of all of this but I also, want to disrupt HIS applecart . I know , most will say …let it go but with the way things are right now , if I don’t, it will be too much pressure on my kids …They all are worried about taking care of me one day …I’m sure and that’s not right. I could not let that happen..So, it’s more survival in the next years than revenge . .one good thing for my kids is my ex’s parents wrote him out of the will…gave that 6 million to my 3 kids.. They know what she’s after …. Sorry for writing even more than your post ,..but it rang so similar …I felt like I was reading my story… I did however go into way too much detail …I’m sure it’s too long for most to be interested in ( and this is 1% of the story. ). Hope you are doing better …you are a fighter and made me realize , I don’t need to give up just yet …. thank you …
All these comments/stories sound so much like my story. At 29 years married I found some emails by total accident. My husband was having an emotional affair and met a younger girl when he traveled for business. Both confided in each other and complained about each other’s marriage. It was totally unexpected and I took a nutty and didn’t handle it well. We went to couples counseling and now 1 &1/2 years later he wants to move out. His explanation is he wants to be happy. He is 61, I believe depressed and he also was abused growing up so I believe he also has PTSD that has resurfaced. He refuses to get help. I was married at 25’yrs old. I don’t know anything else than being married. I work and I know I can do it on my own but it’s so overwhelming and the rejection is hard to take. It’s inconceivable that there are so many similar stories. My husband is not the man I married and I am tired of trying on my own. I am trying to accept that, it’s just hard. Now with the quarantine, I asked him when is he moving out. He says he can’t go look at apartments. He expects me to be pleasant. It’s doing a job on my mental health. Was supposed to send psychiatrist on April now reschedule to June. My anxiety is through the roof. I have been exercising like crazy and cooking as both of these help. If I had to do it again, I would never get married!!!
His reasons for divorce stemmed from selfishness and an overinflated ego. For example, even after he left he gave reasons to why he felt she never met his lover; he states he thought at the time it was her pride. Yet there is so much of the same pride, selfishness and ego involved in regret. He only became regretful for his decisions because of her new love, his children not having respect for him. Again, pride, selfishness and ego.
I reckon he did her a huge favor.
I was marry to my husband for 29 years,,all our children is grown and he left me for another woman.i don’t no why today that he left we never fought,angue.he had been cheating on me for a hold year before I found out.i trust him with my heart.he did tell me that I was a good wife and he got him self in this mess.the girl is bioplar and he didn’t no it.she have had trouble with the law and she tell lies all the time.we are getting a divoice because I don’t trust him anymore there is a lot more I can say he never told me why he did that.can anyone help me to understand
I have been with the love of my life for 36 years. About 7 years ago his company offered him a job in NY city. So we moved everything from the UK including the dog to NY. It was so hard as we left our girls behind. They were 19 and 22 at the time. We were so excited to go on this adventure, and were having a blast, until about a year and a half later I realised it was like living with a ghost. He was no longer caring and kind to me. Obviously I thought he was having an affair and asked him several times. He denied it. I stayed for 5 years in NY then came home. He followed 5 months later. When home, I found the text on his phone. It was the woman I suspected. A younger bit in his office. (He’s 56) She has 3 small children and her husband is a NY attorney. I told her husband first. My husband was desperate at first to make amends, but I kicked him out so he tried to go back to her. He even secured another job in NY. Unfortunately for him, she dumped him, and I, at the same time of relinquishing my own green card, also relinquished his. So here he is still, in a shared house with 2 older men. I’m in our marital home. We have a new Granddaughter that he has not yet met as she’s in New Zealand. I’m out here with them, (and stuck here due to the pandemic). In all, I’ve had a lot of karma,he even sent me an email full of remorse. But none of it really helps. My heart is still broken. Would I take him back? I like to think not. Not that he’d ever admit to wanting to come back due to his pride. And, oh yes, it’s all my fault. Even though he told my oldest friend that our marriage was fine, the affair took him by. surprise. And apparently their affair was a ‘real relationship’ (hotel room sex). Sure it was
I am currently going thru a divorce. Me and my husband have been married for 2 years and together for 3. About 6 months after getting married he starting using drugs and cheating. I didn’t find out about the cheating for awhile. I forgave him and suggested marriage counseling. He ended up getting arrested and spent 2 months in jail where he said our family was all he wanted and needed and wouldn’t fail us again, talked about having another baby. When he got out he used again and then went into rehab. He’s been in recovery since January 1st and he has now met someone who is also in recovery and moved in with her. He asked for a divorce. My biggest issue with him is he never once tried to repair the damage he created in our marriage and family. He says he’s not abandoning but that’s exactly what he’s doing, he walked away from him family instead of fighting for it. I’m still in love with him and don’t want the divorce but he has become hateful with me because I keep trying to get him to atleast try. He tells me not to contact him. We have a 15 month old daughter and he’s never been present in her life due to his choices and now he’s chose to never be present in her life. I’m broken and lost but I’m also at peace alittle since I haven’t cried for a couple days. Progress one day at a time. Do I wish he will wake up and realize that he had the best thing in his life and he threw it away and want to be a family again, yes but I no longer have any expectations for it.
My condolences to all on here. It feels like a death when it is happening.
My ex did regret wheat he did, but for all the wrong reasons. He found his new wife to be a terrible cook, terrible housekeeper, terrible mother, terrible in bed………… It took three years. Not once did he mention the pain he put his children through, and me. While he was telling me he wanted to get back together, he did not once bring up the kids.
He is a callous failure. I am lucky he left me. I just feel terrible for my children.
Two months ago, after I moved 1,000 miles away six years earlier, he called me. He asked if he could have our daughter’s phone number. I asked her what she wanted me to do. She laughed and told me she didn’t want anything to do with him.”
So, now he is alone. He’s lonely. His health is beginning to fail. He can’t cook. He can’t keep a woman. And he’s unhappy.
I blocked him. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am released.
It hurts terribly while it is happening. It is almost unbelievable how it comes out and smacks your face when you don’t see it coming. All you think is that the marriage and family are working, even if you put in most of the effort.
My life has been wonderful since my divorce. I have met people I never dreamed I’d meet, and have gone places I never would have with him. I’ve grown. That would not have happened with him.
Grieve. Don’t stuff it.
One day I hope you see karma is real. I did.
Cleo, I’m the same way. At the time I found out about his affair with a woman 20 years young, I was devastated. In my mind after 23 years of marriage, I knew it was the end. I just had to grieve and come to terms with it. I still think of it after 18 months, but honestly, I’m happier than ever. I love my life. I have met new people, reconnected with an old flame (nothing too serious as I’m not ready for that), have a new house with new memories and great neighbors. I’m 65, life is just beginning. It’s not easy ladies and gentlemen, but the end result is peace and serenity. She can wipe his butt when he has his stroke, he would have been a crummy patient anyway. There is life after divorce regardless of your age. Just remember why he’s a bad partner, not what you miss about him. I also realized a bit why he wasn’t happy, it’s that you can’t do enough for a narcissistic person, they will suck the life out of you and demand more. I’m actually starting to feel sorry for him. For the first time he said last week that he made a mistake, I didn’t ask him what it was. Too little too late for me! Hang in there it’s going to be fine, you all deserve more!
My husband left me this year after 18 years of marriage. He absolutely devastated me when he sent me a text message while I was at work saying he was unhappy and didn’t want to try and make it work. Right now I’m a jumble of emotions I’m still trying to process this. Like many of the ladies it was all my fault for everything. I worked a full time job did a 1 year college course and now am attending university in the evenings. I kept a clean house and did all the maintenance around the house mowing the lawn, shovelling snow etc. Took the kids to their after school activities. Typical super woman as we all are. So I was sent the message on April 21 of this year after I confronted him about transferring a large sum of money into his personal account. He tried to get me to move out of the house and said that all the trips our family went on over the years that he paid for should he enough to buy me out of our business as he was a contractor. He tried to play on my emotions after the terrible news he gave me. And I told him I wouldn’t agree to anything until we went to mediation. So june 7 rolls around first appt with the mediator he meets me there as he left for the weekend and he d done the 2 previous weekends, leaving us and the kids. So he gives me the house I didn’t have to buy him out. And settled our other matters. 1 week later we go to sign the separation documents to finalize everything. And then he tells me he’s moving out and does so within days. That’s how quick everything went and my head is still spinning. Currently he gets the kids every second week for 7 days and is showering them with gifts. It seems like right now I’m the only one this is bothering. I can’t believe someone could just turn off so many years of memories just like that. And there was no indication he was unhappy whatsoever. We were happy so I thought being intimate, talking everyday. So that what I got. A text message after all that time he couldn’t even say it too my face. I’m struggling
My husband of 20 years tried for a couple years to get me to relocate to another state for his work. I refused to consider it and after many months of unhappy marriage, he accepted job in other state and moved. Once there he said his feelings for me are gone and he wants a divorce. This blindsided me. Now a couple months later, I realize that I didn’t listen or care about any of his reasons to move our family and now I am listening. It’s helping. We might reconcile. There are times I wonder if there is another woman in his life. Most times I think our fighting was so bad that he wanted to get away and the new job was a good reason.
I asked him if there was anyone else in his life. He said no and I want to believe him. I also want to reconcile however it will be hard for me to forgive that he left
hi to all you lovely people out they its the most alwfull pain to go through when you get cheated on when you have so must trust .i was married for 23 years and had no idear my husband was having affair for years with trash like a lot of you ladies i also did everything in the house worked and brought r to sons up on my own as he worked away all the time so i was mother and father to my sons .my husband just put is own needs first and coz he was bored diecded to have affair for years .i was heartbroken to the core when i found out about is double live he was leading.i diecide to kick the scum out as hard as it was i kept going even tho is was so hard .but believe when i tell you this they is a very big light at the end of the turnel i am more happier then i have every been new job friends and have a new man in my life that is wonderfull treasts me like a queen so all i can say sometimes they do you the biggest favour of they sorry life i ere he still sees that trash and she is but she likes drinking and so dos he has he as a promble with the drink it as always come first so ladies hang in they coz better will come and one day you will see they have done you the biggest favour believe it good bless you all and i hope you get the lifes you deserve just like me they r welcome to they sorry lifes coz they will never be truely happy xxx
I’ve been married for 13 years together 14 yrs…repeatedly since only a few months together until this year my husband will show no signs of unhappiness we may fight and then we make up I repeatedly will ask in order to allow him to speak to me ask him to please talk to me so we can change the course of our marriage for the better he acts fine says all fine and then will say he is going to the store getting a hair cut or go to work or just not show to work but consistanrly disappears…he has missed milestones of his children’s lives and even the birth if our 4th..we have a 13 yr old disabled daughter an 11 yr old daughter a 6 ur old boy and an infant son learning to walk and talk while he is away…he up and left across the country in February this year I have severe panicking disorder and despite it all have been in night school and online now set to graduate November this year but it is such a struggle and then caring for all the kids no money and lost my job due to the pandemic and he only calls us when he wants me to send him a walmart to walmart!!! He blames me for everything and I do take responsibility for some but I ask him to please accept his own parts with me he wont and st as Ted he wont because it is and was all me he did nothing but try he says
Everything is my fault I ask him about the children and to please not quit our family he says he leaving me ot them. But he moves across the country literally 18 hours away and has nothing to do with them the stress so bad i suffered a tia(type of stroke not full blown) and lost partial function of my left side…i tried to get out there as my friends suggested and was found unconscious by police and so beaten they thought i was hit by a car when i woke i had been in a coma only for a few days but still then of course the pandemic the virus care for my elderly folks and only grandma who is 90….my mother also has severe health issues and needs extra care in addition to my own health happenings and conditions from my stroke my own disabled child and other 3 kids one an infant whom are my life but am all alone I have no siblings to help as my eldest sister is very I’ll and lives with severe PTSD and the other is across country…I’m so lost I’m still processing it all..I’m hurt from all the times he has left from the cheating in the past from him not taking ANY fault and mostly for not just forgiving caring enough and being a man for his family during a year of crisis with all the horrid things that have happened asides from him abandoning us back in February….sometimes I just want to quit school sometimes I want to fight and show my kids and self we can survive it is all so new and horrible stuff keeps happening and he wont visit me and most important visit the kids so we can at least talk because his mother whom I never met all these years doesnt approve which I do not make any sense of this and has blown off at least talking to us on the phone except to say I will call u guys back later for 2 months now..he is unavailable on the phone even..like he is just erasing everything and none of us mean a thing doesnt just check on us say hi that is the biggest blow of all…divorce sucks separation sucks but when your husband and kids dad doesnt even make time to call you and blows you off and wont even have any kind of relationship with you or the kids like we never existing or are slowly being eliminated from his life ..he has poor health..he used in the past but I didnt know at the time because I never knew anyone that used and didnt know the sysmtp9ms and thought mabye he had mental illness and he claims he isn’t using and there isn’t another woman that I drove him away that it is my fault for his unhappiness and he just has no answer when I mention kids but I’ll call you back and last time he called was the spring…um nothing makes any sense and he is going to he 40 this year I have wondered if it is a mid life crisis but either way it is insane hurtful and just plain wrong but I love him I truly love him it is my family and I’m just confused and soooooo heartbroken and worry about the kids and how we will get by how they will he emotionally knowing he just left em..etc…it is sooo much pain..and so senseless I just cannot understand such actions