Men who cheat on their wives and then leave the marriage cause a devastating ripple effect throughout the whole family. Most of us wonder if men regret divorce at all? We ask ourselves, “How could he do this after everything we’ve been through together…and with these amazing children we have?” It’s normal to wonder why your husband left your family and if he ever regrets the destruction that he caused.
When divorce happens – especially after infidelity, most men say they are not abandoning their family. They say to us, “This divorce is about you and me, not about our family.” They say they aren’t leaving our family…just us. When infidelity or abuse or addiction is involved, they also often say they didn’t leave us, but that it was our decision to file for divorce. Sigh.
The thing is, when a man leaves his wife, or decides he wants another woman (who often has children of her own), that usually means not being a daily presence in his own children’s lives. It means he isn’t going to be taking a full part in helping with his family. It creates a sense of uncertainty in so many ways.
Whether our culture acknowledges it or not, the loss of a good, strong man in a family is destabilizing on many levels. But do guys regret divorce that they caused or the abandonment of their family and their responsibilities? I’m not sure.
Throughout history, the father of the family was thought to be the “protector” of the family. Family roles in our time have changed and are constantly in flux…and some change is good. But deep down, I think many realize that having a good, strong, caring person who is there as the final defense in a family is reassuring and makes the family feel safe. It also helps children be more secure and optimistic and successful in life.
A strong, good primary family has a better chance of launching strong, confident children into the world. Do cheating husbands ever think about that? Do they regret the losses they create all around?
Everything I am going to say is a generalization. But I think men have an innate makeup that is different from women. We need good men. (We don’t need men who put themselves above everything else…including their children!)
Women are better off when a good man is there supporting her as a woman and as a mother.
Children are better off when a father helps set (and enforce) the rules of good behavior.
Young men are better off with strong, positive, dependable male role models.
Young women are better off with strong fathers to help them develop their own confident identity.
Our neighborhoods, churches and social groups need strong men supporting each other to do the right thing and be the right kind of person. Life is usually better, easier and more secure for everyone when there are strong, good men involved. Do men who cheat and abandon their families regret not filling that important role in their family? In their society?
Men taking responsibility to be that strong support for their family is less likely today. Our culture tends to make men either irrelevant or demeans them as being a threat to all of us, simply because they are men. Our entertainment world depicts some fathers as incompetent, incapable, nincompoops. Others are shown as overbearing, authoritarian, know-it-alls.
As women, we wonder how a man we have been with for 15 or 20 or 30 or more years can just leave us and our children. I wondered that myself. All I know is that it is a great loss for our families, our neighborhoods, our schools, our churches and for our country as a whole when good men abandon their family for whatever reason. It’s a loss we should all regret.
The question is, how do we deal with this increasingly common, but very significant, cultural and personal loss? Do men even realize what damage they are doing by leaving us and their children? If they ever do feel regret, when does that regret kick in?
How Long Before Men Regret Leaving?
From my own experience through talking with the women we help, it seems as if there is a lengthy “honeymoon” phase in the ex’s new life after he starts his affair or marries his new woman. He has done so much damage to himself, and to his first wife and family, that he usually tries extremely hard to make his new relationship work.
Men who break their promises and betray their families usually have no room or time to think about regret. Occasionally, they may have pangs of regret when milestones with the children are missed. Or when their family moves forward without them. But they seem to not allow themselves to go to that regret space very often. Instead, they blame us and our children for excluding them, and so regret doesn’t have a chance.
Men who leave relationships also don’t allow themselves to consider the fact that they may have made a mistake. Instead, they go full speed ahead to make everything in their new life seem perfect! Admitting that they may have made a mistake is very hard to do after the destruction and disappointment they have left in their wake everywhere.
For a man to regret leaving his wife and to admit that there is something to be sorry about, he would have to be vulnerable enough to be honest with himself and to have an active conscience. Most men are unlikely to share their regret with anyone. It would be too painful to admit.
Why Do Men Regret Divorce?
After we ask the basic question, Do Men Regret divorce? We then have a smaller subset and can also ask, “If men do regret leaving, why do they regret it?” He may have second thoughts if his new love isn’t as wonderful as he thought she was. Maybe her children are mad at him, like his children are mad at her. Maybe, it’s simply that he may have two households to help support now. Maybe when the chase was over, the catch wasn’t what he hoped for.
Men are unlikely to spend much time asking themselves like women do, “What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently and better? Why didn’t I understand what he needed?
I can’t personally get inside of a man’s thoughts. I can only go by what I hear from the women I help. Men are unlikely to ever admit they are hurting in the first place. If they do, it’s rare that they realize it’s usually because of bad choices they made. In Psychology Today, a therapist has information to share for why a man might leave and whether he might have regrets later.
Most women going through divorce get support. We sign up to get help. We go to the self-help section in the bookstore. In our resources, I often ask women how many of them think their ex-husband is snuffling around the self-help section at Barnes and Noble? Hardly any woman thinks her husband is doing that.
Instead, he acts like his life is amazing! His Facebook page is full of smiling, happy pics of his new love and him together. (She’s usually in something sexy!) He’s doing whatever he wants with whomever he wants whenever he wants. What is there to regret about that?!
Men and women tend to react differently when we have harmed someone. One of the ministers at our church said he hated to say this about men because “I are one :)),” but “men tend to go to a divorce recovery class to find a replacement for their ex. Women go to work on themselves, learn new relationship skills and get better.” (That’s another reason I strongly believe that divorce recovery groups need to be gender specific!)
It Doesn’t Matter How He Feels
I always tell women who are going through divorce to stop ever expecting their ex-spouse to come to them and say, “I am so sorry. I made such a huge mistake. Can you ever forgive me?”
In my work with Midlife Divorce Recovery, women yearn for some sort of closure like that. They have visions where their ex or soon-to-be ex-husband admits he had some responsibility for the failure of the marriage and that he regrets leaving, and that she didn’t cause it.
I know from personal experience helping hundreds and hundreds of women, that it is very rare for a man to ever admit, especially to his wife, that he regrets that he left or regrets anything he did to make a divorce happen.
I did find an article, by a man who was full of regret and who felt so badly that he wrote an article telling men to think twice before having an affair and/or leaving his wife and family. If only men would see this article before they destroyed a family or left a good marriage.
If you’re a woman going through divorce or already divorced, stop hoping that your ex will ever admit to you that he regrets the divorce or regrets anything he did that led to the divorce. STOP EXPECTING THAT! It’s a waste of time and only leads to sadness and disappointment.
Don’t worry about whether your ex regrets leaving or not. It doesn’t really matter! The damage is done. You have your hands full trying to pick up the pieces. Don’t focus on something you can’t control…like some statement of regret from your ex-husband that wouldn’t change where you are, even if he had the guts to say it.
Your primary job now is for you to take care of yourself as you do the divorce grief work and healing work you have to do. Focus on YOU getting stronger…physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, financially and in every other way you can think of. That will be the best thing for your children, too. We can help make that happen.
My daughter is going through a painful betrayal, her husband has cheated and abused her, they are still living together because she didn’t sign up to share her kids who are still young, no fault is a joke, doesn’t want him to have the kids at all, need someone to fight for her rights, her whole life will change and she did none of this.
I’ve been betrayed by my husband of 18 years and am going through a legal separation. He found one of his married co-workers to be “the one”. I sent the article written by the man in the link to him. I think much of what he said was true. They focus on the negative of their marriage and put their energy into their new relationship instead of the marriage. I don’t know if sending my husband the article will help at all. I think they always think that their story will be different. He just has to live out destroying his life and family to see it for himself.
I don’t even know where to start. My husband/not husband announced he was “no longer all-in our marriage”. We had been together about 30 years. That was 5 years ago. He finally left but did not file for divorce for another year. During this time he did not consider himself married and began a relationship with an employee at his office. He even brought her on one of my sons soccer tournaments before we were divorced. We had a very difficult divorce legally. He fought the original verdict from our trial judge and appealed it, lost that and then appealed to the Supreme Court. Each of these proceedings and filings took years. Finally after 4 years a new judge forced mediation and due to the amount of money owed, contempt charges against him, legal fees, potential interest, other things that would come out in his contempt trial, he finally settled. The court proceedings were extremely stressful for both my self and my high school now college aged kids. None of which had a relationship with their father except for occasional texts or lunches here and there. Never a night spent at his house, he just disappeared into his new life. He stated to everyone that the divorce was between us and did not involve the kids. He stated the kids relationship or lack there of was caused by me. The kids lived with me and were aware that their father continued to fight the verdict, not pay what he was ordered to pay, and the stress it was causing me while I was caring for my dying mother and working an extremely stressful job. And of course they knew he was with another woman that was his employee. However, he has maintained that all of the negativity that has resulted… Read more »
My STBX, of 21 years of marriage, told me on 1/2/19 that he was done with our marriage and he wanted out. Although I had my suspicions, I found out several months later that he was cheating on me with a neighbor who was also going through a divorce. Of course everything is my fault–he re-wrote our history and blames me for things that some I take blame for and others I don’t. My daughter and I moved out of our family home in August and things are going pretty well for us. I am angry and still extremely hurt by what has transpired over the past 10 months. This morning, I actually woke up in a good mood, but wonder why it is that men who seem to be going through a midlife need to change everything in their lives…..why is it that I seem to be pushed into a midlife crisis as well? And I guess that is what bothers me the most—
My ex husband cheated and left me and our three daughters for my friend and her three daughters. Our daughters at that time were 6 months, 4 and 6. This happened 6 years ago, he only has our daughters 4 days a month but publicly shows up to all their events like he is the perfect father. Rarely helps drive the girls to their events but constantly helps her, supports her , and treats her like a queen. How can he just move onto another family and woman like we were nothing. He truly treats me like the hired help and I was never a factor in his life. We were together for 15 years and he never once showed remorse but instead said he needed to get a better life. I do not understand, how you just walk out on your wife who has an infant and two young daughters like it was nothing. Never once looked back, brings her to all of our children’s events like I never even existed. His family also thinks it’s great. Why do people not feel remorse or guilt anymore or respect their vows they took?
Laura, I do not know if you are still on this board but when I read your comment I stopped in my tracks. Your situation is like looking in a mirror. In 2015, my daddy and mom were no doing well. My husband and I had been married 28 years. We are both from Savannah and both of our families old Sav, families . Our Siblings also live there and do very well. We left in 2000…with our 3 young children and moved 80 miles away to our beach house in St Simons. My husband had gotten into trouble with insider trading as he was a stock broker . He was fired but that was it. But the entire town Knew. We started again , put our kids in the private school and I had worked in Broadcasting for 20 years but stopped working to move. He screwed up St Simons as well ,( finding himself ) so we moved again to our mountain house ( let me clarify , these vacation homes were modest ) we moved to N. Ga. And I opened an interiors shop, he went into developing . My shop,did very well…he did well for a year or so and then the 2008 market crash and housing crash killed both of our businesses. So we moved to Seacrest beach fl. Rented and I MADE him get his real estate license. He did and we hit it just right.. all of the multi million $ Homes that had been foreclosed on were 3 to,4 to 500k and lower. He became very successful…. …… I’m stronger than I thought …I want to let go of all of this but I also, want to disrupt HIS applecart . I know , most will say …let it go but with… Read more »
All these comments/stories sound so much like my story. At 29 years married I found some emails by total accident. My husband was having an emotional affair and met a younger girl when he traveled for business. Both confided in each other and complained about each other’s marriage. It was totally unexpected and I took a nutty and didn’t handle it well. We went to couples counseling and now 1 &1/2 years later he wants to move out. His explanation is he wants to be happy. He is 61, I believe depressed and he also was abused growing up so I believe he also has PTSD that has resurfaced. He refuses to get help. I was married at 25’yrs old. I don’t know anything else than being married. I work and I know I can do it on my own but it’s so overwhelming and the rejection is hard to take. It’s inconceivable that there are so many similar stories. My husband is not the man I married and I am tired of trying on my own. I am trying to accept that, it’s just hard. Now with the quarantine, I asked him when is he moving out. He says he can’t go look at apartments. He expects me to be pleasant. It’s doing a job on my mental health. Was supposed to send psychiatrist on April now reschedule to June. My anxiety is through the roof. I have been exercising like crazy and cooking as both of these help. If I had to do it again, I would never get married!!!
His reasons for divorce stemmed from selfishness and an overinflated ego. For example, even after he left he gave reasons to why he felt she never met his lover; he states he thought at the time it was her pride. Yet there is so much of the same pride, selfishness and ego involved in regret. He only became regretful for his decisions because of her new love, his children not having respect for him. Again, pride, selfishness and ego.
I reckon he did her a huge favor.
I was marry to my husband for 29 years,,all our children is grown and he left me for another woman.i don’t no why today that he left we never fought,angue.he had been cheating on me for a hold year before I found out.i trust him with my heart.he did tell me that I was a good wife and he got him self in this mess.the girl is bioplar and he didn’t no it.she have had trouble with the law and she tell lies all the time.we are getting a divoice because I don’t trust him anymore there is a lot more I can say he never told me why he did that.can anyone help me to understand
I have been with the love of my life for 36 years. About 7 years ago his company offered him a job in NY city. So we moved everything from the UK including the dog to NY. It was so hard as we left our girls behind. They were 19 and 22 at the time. We were so excited to go on this adventure, and were having a blast, until about a year and a half later I realised it was like living with a ghost. He was no longer caring and kind to me. Obviously I thought he was having an affair and asked him several times. He denied it. I stayed for 5 years in NY then came home. He followed 5 months later. When home, I found the text on his phone. It was the woman I suspected. A younger bit in his office. (He’s 56) She has 3 small children and her husband is a NY attorney. I told her husband first. My husband was desperate at first to make amends, but I kicked him out so he tried to go back to her. He even secured another job in NY. Unfortunately for him, she dumped him, and I, at the same time of relinquishing my own green card, also relinquished his. So here he is still, in a shared house with 2 older men. I’m in our marital home. We have a new Granddaughter that he has not yet met as she’s in New Zealand. I’m out here with them, (and stuck here due to the pandemic). In all, I’ve had a lot of karma,he even sent me an email full of remorse. But none of it really helps. My heart is still broken. Would I take him back? I like to think not. Not… Read more »