We have all heard the story of the dog or cat that is callously dumped on the side of road by a heartless person who no longer wants them. We often use terms such as dumped like a sack of garbage, which clearly illustrates the lack of value and consideration given to those animals by their caretakers. Those animals are scared and confused, not understanding what has happened to them. Many will wait by the side of the road for long periods of time for their human to return. In their heads, it is not conceivable that their human has just left them there. They must be coming back!
These stories are heartbreaking to hear, and for the vast majority of people, their sympathy and compassion is directed toward the animal that has been abandoned. I have never thought or heard anyone say, “that must have been a terrible dog for that person to dump him off like that!” It is obvious to us that the human is the one that is heartlessly abandoning the animal that loved and trusted them so deeply. We are angry at the human and their cruel heartless act of cowardice! Our focus is on helping the animal, not blaming the animal for being dumped.
When my husband of 29 years suddenly walked out of our marriage, I felt like I had been dumped on the side of the road like that unwanted dog. At first, I waited for his return, sure that he would change his mind and come back. When that didn’t happen, I believed that I MUST have done something to deserve that terrible treatment. I MUST have been a bad wife. I MUST not be pretty or thin enough. I MUST have been an unsatisfactory mate and partner. I MUST have been the cause of my own abandonment and, if only I could figure out what I did wrong, I could fix it! I struggled deeply with that thought for almost a year.
I kept searching the depths of my memory to find the ways I might have failed in my marriage. Night after night, I thought about it and beat myself up thinking that somehow I could have prevented his infidelity and abandonment of our marriage. Somehow, I should have been a better wife and partner. Somehow, I could have done better. Even though somewhere deep inside me, I knew that nothing justified his behavior, I just couldn’t seem to let go of that nagging attachment to self-blame.
Then one day, I thought about that scared and confused dog on the side of the road. We were really the same, that dog and I. We both thought we were in a loving relationship. We both trusted our human to love and care for us in a respectful and gentle way. We both loved our human unconditionally. And, we were both tossed out on the side of the road with little compassion or concern about what would become of us.
Suddenly, I realized that like that dog, I had done nothing that justified my husband’s cruel treatment. I wasn’t to blame for my abandonment, my husband was! He had made the bad choices. He had affairs outside of marriage. He chose to turn his back on our marriage. He chose to dump me on the side of the road! Like that dog, my husband never returned, and I was left to put my life back together. Like many lucky dogs, wonderful people came forward to help me heal and build a new life. Like that dog, I am a beautiful soul that deserves to be treated with love and respect. My husband was the thoughtless and cruel human that dumped me on the side of the road and drove off without a second thought. I won’t spend another minute blaming myself for his selfish actions!
This blog was submitted by RADiCAL Woman Piper Murphy.
Sometimes I wonder, is this a man made tragedy or do we owe this to spiteful evil women that take out their unhappiness and unfulfilled yearnings and rejoice in destroying families? Most of them are young and ambitious incapable of relating to men their own age and perhaps with daddy issues from their own broken families.
Please learn about frontotemporal dementia, a common, under-recognized young-onset dementia whose onset is often dismissed as a marital breakdown or a “midlife crisis.”
This disease destroys morals, empathy emotions and inhibitions NOT memory or intellect so it often goes undetected as a brain disease.
If your middle-aged spouse undergoes a dramatic and disturbing personality change, get him/her to a neurologist. The disinhibited type run away. The hypersexuality component of the disease causes them to hire prostitutes and have affairs. The apathetic type tend to sit around the house all day, eating sweets or fast food and perhaps downloading porn.
I am looking forward to family courts recognizing this devastating disease as a major cause of shock midlife divorces, and taking steps to protect families from its destructive course.
Anais:
I wanted to respond to your astute observation that so many of these guys get with much younger women. Mine did, too. He’s with a young prostitute who is the same age as our oldest daughter. My husband, who was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia, also prefers to associate with much younger people who are quite unsavory.
I think they choose young people to be with because they are growing young again: They are reverting back to the time before their frontal lobe was fully developed, because the disease is now slowly destroying that lobe.
I also think many of them start associating with sociopaths is because the disease destroys morals, empathy and sympathy, so they, too, have acquired sociopathy.
I know exactly what this feels like. My husband of 14 years did this to me. He had a midlife crisis and is now in the ‘replay’ stage, which is when they have an affair ( yup, with a younger girl he has NOTHING in common with) and abandon their family and friends. I spent the year beating myself up about how bad of a person I must be to deserve such cruel treatment by the person I loved ( and who said CONSTANTLY he believed we were soulmates and he ‘viewed us as the same person’).
This article is helping me realize that no one should ever do this to the person they are married to. I’ve had friends break up and they did so respectfully, but what men/women in midlife crisis do is blow up their lives and go from being selfless people to selfish sociopaths who don’t ( or aren’t capable) of caring about the people that love them.
After the replay ( affair and abandon) stage is over ( and it’s the longest stage), the next is liminality. I’m genuinely curious on if at that stage or the next ( withdrawl) he’ll realize he kicked his family out on the curb.
Thankfully-like this article says- my daughter and I have found incredibly kind people who have helped us get through this horrific, scary stage of our lives. We are so grateful to have great friends and supportive family.
I stumbled on to this blog and am happy for the trip. After 22 years my loving husband and partner started to act very odd, (all the same attributes shared herein so no need for the sorted details.) Then left me with the most hurtful of parting words when I asked him what happened….” I don’t have to tell you anything but maybe one day, not now, but one day I’ll tell you what happened “…. So I was literally left standing at my gate watching him drive off. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, I found out that he is with my best friend of 18 years!!! You can name blame it a midlife crisis or some fancy clinical word, but its the single most hurtful thing I will EVER experience and I too have spent many a sleepless night in tears wondering if I was too fat, too thin, too strong, too weak, and so on but after many painful months, I still remain a 55 year old woman who worked for 22 years to create a life and financial security for retirement with my husband who now, because of his epitome of selfish behavior, has to go ” find” himself before its too late leaving a trail of destruction for me to pick up alone with no money and no retirement security. Both our dogs(whom he carelessly abandoned in his personal quest) passed away from broken hearts. The legalities I now find myself entrenched in is a whole other issue to navigate through as well….. So with my story in mind, I will NEVER believe there is an excuse for a single minute of this sort of unconscionable behavior of ultimate betrayal of love and trust. A classless act indeed. There is absolutely no right in any… Read more »
Additionally, these folks typically come from very emotionally stunted parents and families. Most likely, this is a generational problem that has occurred elsewhere in the family lineage if you dig around. Typically, one of the parents has deep emotional trauma from childhood and more than likely both parents. Adults who have adult bodies but function as teens emotionally. These families never form bonds and spend their free time indulging in adolescent activities that most people out grow. It’s all clear when you step back and look at the family dynamics. Anyhow, this will never end until more is done to help people who have been stunted emotionally from their parents. Otherwise life long problems persist which haunt them when mid-life comes crawling.
Thank you all, for your stories. It helps knowing I’m not alone. My husband of 34 yrs, told me on our anniversary, in front of my nine-year-old grandson, that he no longer wanted to be a couple. We have had some hard years prior, with friends passing away, beloved dogs dying, and grown children having a rough time Navigating adulthood. I am 58, my husband is 66. New office manager who is 26 years younger, took over my position for our company, a couple months ago. He distanced his himself from the kids the last two years, has no relationship with them because he doesn’t believe in unconditional love, and they are a disappointment and he feels it reflects on him. It’s sad because he doesn’t know how wonderful his kids are. He sees his life as a failure. I was the last piece to be discarded. He told me he should never have gotten married or had kids. He says he doesn’t know how much longer he has to live and he wants to be free and happy. It’s only been 6 weeks, so I still have raw, painful moments. Trying to stay positive, hoping Karma kicks in! wishing for healing and peace for my kids and myself.