THE GIRLFRIEND. The OTHER WOMAN. THE MISTRESS. The NEW WOMAN. Ugh.
If you’re divorced as a result of your husband’s infidelity, who or what immediately comes to mind when you hear the word “girlfriend”? If your ex-husband lied to you, betrayed you, shared secrets and a bed with this girlfriend while you were married, your thoughts about her are probably not anything good. I wondered if I should actually meet the girlfriend, while I was still so hurt and angry. I definitely could understand crimes of passion when another woman is involved.
Any wife’s feelings are probably much like like mine were: that my husband’s girlfriend was a poor excuse for a woman and worse.
One of the newly divorced women who attended one of my 10-Week RADiCAL Divorce Recovery Classes was clear about what she thought of her now ex-husband’s girlfriend. While they were still married, she spray painted the word W#ORE on one side of the girlfriend’s car and SLUT on the other side.
At our meeting, she said it was worth doing it because he had to drive the car through the streets to get it cleaned up. (Don’t do anything like this that can be illegal and land you in jail. He’s just not worth it!)
If your ex-husband met the girlfriend well after your divorce … (not — amazingly! — finding his new soul mate the next month and moving in with her immediately) … you might have calmed down a bit.
A woman who becomes your ex-husband’s new girlfriend, an appropriate length of time after your divorce, is usually easier to accept. She doesn’t have the baggage of being part of the infidelity and the divorce. In fact, I really like the woman my ex eventually married. I often wondered if she had any idea that he had had at least two affairs while he was married to me, and the last one destroyed our marriage.
Should I Meet My Ex-Husband’s New Girlfriend?
I met my ex-husband’s girlfriend several times while the affair was going on. I met her in his office at work. I met her in a parking lot where she said, “He told me he had never loved anyone like he loved me.” and I told her, “He told me he wanted to come back home and prove that he could be a good husband and father.”
I still shudder that I put myself in those circumstances. I should have just taken the advice I heard later: “If he is dumb enough to leave, I should be smart enough to let him go.” Me being my own private investigator about the new girlfriend brought nothing but agony and despair.
Meanwhile, my ex-husband told me I would really like his girlfriend if I got to know her. Ummmm. I don’t think so. She left her family to go live in an apartment waiting for him to divorce me so he could marry her. No. I wouldn’t like her. He also told me she was a very spiritual person. Witches are spiritual, too, I guess. Just saying.
All of what I’ve written so far makes me aware that I do not respect women who are girlfriends to married men. As much as I want to think I’m above judging other people, any man who doesn’t have the guts to either work things out in his marriage or get a divorce before finding a girlfriend is not the kind of man I would ever want to ever be involved with again.
Don’t Make Comparisons
When a married man has a girlfriend or even after your divorce, when he has a new woman, It’s hard for any woman not to ask herself, “What does she have that I don’t? Why does he love her and he doesn’t love me? How could he throw away 25 years of marriage for someone the same age as our daughters, or for someone who has left her own family like he has left his?
As women, we tend to blame ourselves first. What’s wrong with me? What could I have done differently? He kept making me feel like I somehow wasn’t enough. From an early age, girls and women compare ourselves with each other. Right now in our culture, most pre-teen and teenage young women don’t like the way they look. That’s sad. We’re hard on ourselves, and we often carry that into adulthood.
But, honestly, if a husband is willing to leave his marriage for some sweet young thing, there is not much any of us can do to stop that. That’s about what kind of man he is, not what kind of woman we are.
If he wasn’t happy in our marriage, the solution is to fix it or to get a divorce. The solution is not to have a girlfriend and turn into a liar and a cheat and put your family through an agonizing, embarrassing soap opera.
Think About The Kids
For me, the determining factor of whether to meet the girlfriend or other woman or new wife totally depends on if you have younger children or not.
A couple of RADiCAL (Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love) women I know have specifically met with the new girlfriend or new wife in hopes of making the children’s lives easier and less traumatic moving forward.
If you have younger children and you have to pack them off to their Dad’s house where they will have to spend long stretches of time with the girlfriend, I think it might be good to meet her and tell her things that could be helpful in dealing with the children. And even if you can’t control what happens at Dad’s house, you can tell the new woman what the boundaries are at your house, and how it would be best if both households could generally be on the same page.
For some reason, many ex-husbands feel compelled to introduce the girlfriend to their children and friends as soon as they can. Or she just happens to be there when your children are supposed to have a weekend with their Dad. One of the RADiCAL women’s sons said, “There she was, sitting with us at the football game … what am I supposed to talk to her about? The weather?”
Our ex-husbands somehow think that everyone will welcome this new woman with open arms. Young children seem to be able to do that more easily because they don’t know about the role she may have played in the breakup of their family.
Older children usually have more reservations. The reality is, if this is the path their father has chosen, they have to either figure out a way to live with it or not. Kids realize it’s their dad who may be paying for college or helping financially so they don’t want to disrupt that. And often the dad’s are consciously “buying” their children’s allegiance by taking them on trips and being the fun, generous person in the family.
Older children are more involved in their own lives and are trying to figure out what kind of relationship with both parents is best for them. Don’t pressure your children of any age to talk about the other woman. Don’t badmouth the girlfriend or new wife. Our older children are smart enough to figure out the relationships that work for them. We need to give them the freedom to do that.
Even though I write those words now, during and after my divorce, the very hardest times for me were when my children were all off at the lake or at the country club or all together with him and his new woman. Those are my kids, not hers, and I was sad every single time they were all together having fun without me.
We have to find a way to get over that. The MasterPlan and our son Grady’s Parenting Through Divorce programs can help you deal with those awful times.
Our job as mother to our children is to continue to guide them through life the best we can. Their time with us should be good and fun and easy and not stress-filled ordeals. We cannot control anyone else. But we can make the time we spend with our children meaningful and fun and full of love.
Don’t Blame Her
It is tempting to blame everything that went wrong in our relationship at the end on the girlfriend … the infamous Other Woman. But it takes two to tango and our husband made the choice to do what he did. No one held a gun to his head. He made the conscious choice to be unfaithful and to put his relationship with her above just about everything else, His children, his career, his extended family and friends, and definitely above our 33 years together.
Having a girlfriend was his choice. However, it does make infidelity easier when there are girlfriends who are willing to knowingly be a part of all of that destruction.
It’s Not An Interrogation
One thing to keep in mind is that being a snoop or interrogator or constantly looking on facebook to find out more about your husband’s or ex-husband’s girlfriend does nothing positive at all. It tears your heart out, usually. You see them on the beach together. You see them with friend at a social gathering. Seeing those images brings a pain that is impossible to describe. Stop looking. Stop asking your kids and your friends about her.
In fact, don’t try to find out anything else about her! Spend your time finding out about yourself and what you want and deserve moving forward. Because the more time you spend obsessing about them, the less time you have to spend creating your own best life.
Remember What You Didn’t Like About Your Ex
During divorce and the next few years after divorce, most of us vacillate between wanting him back to wanting him dead. If you’re not getting him back, and you probably won’t be able to do anything about his early demise, you may be better off reminding yourself of why you filed for divorce.
I remember what it felt like to discover … again … that awful, gut-wrenching pain of him lying to my face, or him sneaking off to be with her, or finding out he had met up with her when he was supposed to be somewhere else.
I remember the sadness in our kids’ eyes when they realized what kind of tawdry life their dad had been living, and how they were going to have to figure out some way to adjust to all the complication that come along with that.
I remind myself that I never want to share a bed again with a person who wanted to be in someone else’s bed.
In Conclusion
Dealing with the new girlfriend or other woman is one of the most difficult parts of divorce, especially if you miss your ex-husband. The sooner you forget about her and focus on getting your best life back, the better.
Let us connect you with other women on this trip. We have tools and resources and a roadmap, so that you don’t have to figure all this out yourself.
what would you say to a woman who divorced her husband 5 yrs ago. He cheated while we were married and afterward 2 times wanted to work it out with me only to dump me both times for a younger woman. How stupid can one woman be right?
I’m sorry to hear that.. don’t look as it as a sad situation. As months go by you will see it’s a blessing that he change now and you have a chance to move forward either living your new life or with someone else but not a cheater like him.
My ex husband was rude and demanding… when I divorced him. He wants to be friends and show off his new girlfriend and kids.
It makes me sick. Because I know it won’t last and he is putting on a show of how much he has changed
One of your best blogs ever!!! I have spent many a day and night just being consumed by the infidelity of both of them. My ex sent me a text that was meant for her, and so began the unraveling of our 43 yr old marriage! She was also married and had become a great liar also! They both called me a psycho because I was spying on them (I was a bit looney at the beginning) but not a psycho and I was so mad that she would have the audacity to say that to me under the circumstances!!! Ohhhh boy was I mad…..I wrote a very nice letter to her husband telling him all about the current situation (and even included a picture of her car at my ex’s condo, so he would know I was not a psycho) and then he started to cry and I just felt so bad for him…I said I was so sorry for bringing him such sad news and he thanked me, after he asked me what my ex did for a living (I think he knew something was up)……..anyway, I left that night thinking how could two people intentionally hurt so many people by their actions! Such selfish people they are! I would not have wanted him to stay if in fact he’d been so unhappy for 20+ years, and it’s now been 6 1/2 years since we divorced and I would never ever want him back, but a genuine I’m sorry for hurting you so deeply would have been nice! After reading all your blogs (I wish I could have afforded to join your radical group) they have been such a huge help to me…I just thank you from the bottom of my heart:)).
I’ve been divorced 9 years and met someone who’s been divorced 28 years. We’re in a relationship for the past 3 years. I’ve never celebrated holiday dinners with him and his family because his grown children have relied on him to host the dinners at his house with his ex wife in attendance. I suggested that since he had 3 kids, each of them could host a holiday in their home thereby enabling their father and his girlfriend to attend. He’s either afraid to rock the boat or seems to like the status quo. How do I play this?
Spot on Suzy. Radical acceptance of the fact that I deserve better! … thanks for this insightful blog
sweetness of marriage is having your spouse be the same man you married ,while courtship and after marriage.we have been married for 7{seven} years now.i have never for once doubted him for any reason but recently i was surprised when he started having his phones locked and other gadgets.i decided not ask him and allow him be,but it got more interesting when he comes back home very late than usual.i decided to speak with him in order to know what has been wrong with him or where i have gone wrong.several persuasion prove abortive,this had me down at work and home.From that point i knew something was wrong,all attempt to know who he was seeing outside wasn’t successful,this got me sick and i decided to go for a divorce but my attorney needed some sought of evidence which got me directed to my old hacker friend[freedom _hacking at hot-mail . com ] who assisted me a year ago when i hired him for [my spouse] to clear his name off a fraudulent accusation on a credit card at his work which he knows nothing about.I know he was knowledgeable and a smart guy when it comes to getting justice for clients,i just concluded my divorce and if you must know ,he has been sleeping with his boss wife at work and we just sent a video of them to the board and he has been issued a sent off letter with immediate effect.what an ingrate.
I met a man four years ago after he was divorced. He had two girls. I have two girls as well. We began blending our families and were going to get married last month. His ex wife was constantly causing trouble m. She had her girls FaceTime her WHEREVER we were. That meant I had his ex on FaceTime while I was cooking breakfast, out to dinner, or in the car. He refused to set a boundary and ask his daughter to take it outside or to another room because his daughters were brainwashed by their mother to be spies. He lives in fear that he won’t see his children. It’s heart breaking . I was very good to his children and I am by no means anything less than a loving, positive influence on his girls. She sent him threatening texts and emotionally manipulated her own children…. for her own warped reasons. I left the house and called off the wedding. I have an ex that I co parent with. I would never in a million years behave that way towards him.
So perhaps ALL parents, including hurt women, need to stop being victims and acknowledge exactly their circumstances and behave better for the children.
This man I still love should NOT be badgered and torn apart for trying to have a new life for himself. It’s cruel to want your ex to suffer and it does no good to pass on hate and dysfunction to your children.
There is a recurring theme I see in post-divorce relationships where there are children: a general lack of empathy for the other parent and their children by both the betraying spouse and the mistress or new partner. No child wants to be separated from either parent, and it is heartbreaking to know that there is so much adult selfishness when kids only have a few years where how their primary caregivers behave and relate to their families will shape their lives. In separation and divorce where there is infidelity or a rapid relationship replacement, there is shame, guilt, blame, trauma, all of which cloud rational judgement of both natural parents and worse, set the stage for a lifetime of social dysfunction for children because of very poor modelling.
It is not the place of a new partner to project opinions, or to play any role whatsoever in the conflicts and struggles of a family who placed faith and trust in someone to preserve safety, security, and wellbeing for their family. It is truly shocking how mistresses and new partners feel compelled and entitled to do so, without recognizing how their involvement complicates matters further. Empathy and compassion are exchanged for possession and jealousy, which fuels conflict even further, compounding the issues that broken families already face.
If you choose to involve yourself with someone who has previous family responsibilities, you should be equally prepared to respect the boundaries of those affected by that situation. While husbands and wives are apparently becoming more disposable (especially in midlife), children are not, and deserve to have as close to an unhindered relationship and connection with both parents as possible.
The children of your partner are very lucky to have empathetic parents who put their needs first, even as adults those grown still love and have a natural right to access both of their parents whom will never be replaced by any new partner that come into their parents’ lives. Perhaps you should try to see things through their perspective. Your empathy and compassion will be more rewarded than your efforts to dismantle their family, because you may find acceptance rather than resentment.
I saw your comment and I’m
Sorry to hear what happen to you. I’m the ex wife but I guessed I didn’t feel threaten by my ex husband gf. he cheated on me after 14 yrs of marriage but didn’t ended up with the mistress. So, when he told me he is seeing someone serious I met the gf before introduce our son. I was nice and even brought her flowers. I feel that if I love my son than I need to accept our new life and if I’m nice to the new gf them she will be nice to my baby. Plus, I need my ex to be happy so he would continue to be in my son life. If I’m a bitch then my son might loose his father even if it a part time custody. I hope more women could overcome the hurt and revenge. We can only control our own action. Our ex partner didn’t deserve us occupying our times obbssing over their new lives. We should be obsessing over what to do with our new lives without them. It’s our second chance to be single again and go live it..
I don’t have any feelings whatsoever for my husband. Well that’s not entirely true, I hate him right now because he is trying to rip me off in the divorce settlement and make me have to struggle for the rest of my life. It’s amazing how someone who once said he loves you (I have piles of love letters, poems, songs, etc…), now couldn’t care less if you end up on the streets. I would never let that happen to him if roles were reversed. But, I am the time to think of everyone else first and me last. I regret that now.
What bothers me the most is the new girlfriend’s character. From the beginning, she knew she was dating a married man. Who does that?! And she would get in the middle of our family moments (we were separated but getting along well). She just wanted to be center of his attention from day one. And our 15 year old daughter at the time did not matter at all for her. This woman weaseled her way into the midlife crisis of my husband and completely took advantage of his good nature. In the process, she has trained him to do whatever she wants. He’s been supporting her for 2 years as she’s been unemployed and we’re not even divorced yet! It’s our matrimonial money! This woman thinks it’s ok! We can barely afford to send our daughter to college! …so now, he is trying to stick me with a settlement that will put me back into a financial situation that I was in when I was 21. I am 45 and need to rebuild a life (i’ve Been sick and now I need to return to work. I’m going through the worst perimenopause and just have a hard time getting up in the morning) His girlfriend is 10 years younger and choses not to work. He does not care about me at all, after 25 years of knowing me, 13 years of marriage. He doesn’t even think of how the way he treats me affects our daughter. To top it all off, his girlfriend joins him on all his business trips (5 star hotels, swimming pools and open bars), she is so bored, that she insists on texting my daughter throughout the day. She’s pathetic. I want to cut all of this out of my life, but he’s been dragging it on for years. Like he doesn’t want to see me gone and making a new life for myself. He is doing what he can to see me fail. The two of them, him and his girlfriend, are just monsters. They both know that I will move on and have a great life and they are just doing everything they can to make sure it doesn’t happen.
I can fully relate except we do not have any children, he has 2 from his first marriage and I never had. I went into the marriage knowing that he did not want anymore kids so Now at 52 yrs old, cannot have children of my own anymore and he talking bout getting his vasectomy reversed cause she wants a baby! She has two girls that he has been supporting along with her and also paying all three their college,cars,car insurance just to name a few major points of money that he says he doesn’t do or even have! This all makes me sick to my stomach. Well I’m sorry but I cannot finish this cause I’m too upset to go on.
There is no strong marriage that has true love that is without a fight, and there is also no marriage that is without the experience of sweet and sour. With the one I experience, that I thought it’s finished there is nothing anybody can do about it. It’s was so hopeless to that level that I never believe it can be restored back again. God directed me to and open my eyes that those errors and mistakes in marriage if been corrected, these are the things that makes a strong marriage. With Robinson buckler, I was able to get him back, after 2yrs of total separation. During before that time I got him back…I have no life without him and can’t imagine myself laying into another man arms after I have already spend so much years in a relationship with my husband before we now finally got married with the help of Robinson buckler…and that was when I noticed, that we women, we are the cause of most of our problems. And I want to give you an insight prove for that…most of our ladies are lucky with good men who truly have love in their heart; and almost of them don’t the value gift of a good man. while others, are sorrowing love over a man who doesn’t love them. Pls, readers. If you read this comment and you have been facing sorrow with your love one’s, I want to tell you that, the end of that sorrow and misery is done. Robinson buckler, is the key you need to open every close doors of happiness, rejoice, love and satisfaction into that you relationship. I will help you by leaving her email below” contact her and cry to her for help. and let her help you to get out of that misery you don’t belong to. _______________________robinsonbuckler {{@ hotmail}}. com is her direct email and she will reply back and help you with whatever problems you want her help for. And pls be obedient to follow instructions.. thanks to you the great mother of love………..
I caught your husband and your best friend on CBS REALITY SHOW “CHEATERS” If you are an american you will be familiar with a reality tv show called CHEATERS. After I caught my husband with my best friend I wanted a divorce because he seem so attached to my best friend already, I would cry day in and day out. I lost my job because of the distress and lack of concentration until i found how to get your lover back.
My husband came back to me after weeks of separation that almost led to divorce There was allot of difficulty to bring him back to our marriage vows.
My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all
My husband not only come back but also bought me a brand new car and we are going to Bahamas next month for a week vacation. This is why his ex wife will not let us be in peace.
last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life. I almost lost my life to alcohol… I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward, Two days later when I opened my eyes I saw my mom and my husband beside me holding my hands, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband.
Then he knelt down and apologized that my bestfriend told a lie that I was cheating on him, He was advised to divorce me so they can get married. I didn’t understand, until I was discharged.
I have been a single mother for 5 years after my husband disappeared with his mistress in to the thin air. I have done all my possible best to get my husband back home but instead he filed for divorce.
The summary of it all is that Just last month my husband has gone to meet my parents with loads of apology, he has gone there like 15 times without my knowledge asking forgiveness. He has come back to his rightful sense and right now my family is on my tail demanding that I forgive him.
Hi Michele,
Forgiveness isn’t condoning what he did. Forgiveness is for you and allows you to not live in the quagmire of his deceit. If he left with his mistress and didn’t change his ways, he isn’t going to. He has to do the work to regain your trust. Of course he wants to look good in the eyes of your parents. They only know what they see and hear. And do you want a man back who you can’t trust and who treats you the way he’s been treating you? You are worth more. Go find your life and get on with it. If you haven’t already, start here: https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/divorce-recovery-crash-course/
Not all scenarios of infidelity are black and white. And a women should not be called a liar or a whore for falling in love with a married man. And a married man should not have to be honorable and stay in a marriage with someone be doesn’t love. This article is not only short sided, it’s one sided. There is not just one handbook to marriage or raising kids or divorce, there are hundreds which means it’s not one size fits all. Women need to have more self respect when a man leaves them and realize it was likely the universe giving them a way out… and if they could get out of their own way and stop blaming other women… likely they’d find an amazing man and realize what they had was not what they needed.
Truly, this comment is profound. I needed to hear this. Very enlightening. Thank you.
I am writing this comment with tears of joy. My marriage fell apart after 6 months because my mother In-law asked my husband to divorce me and marriage the woman she betroth to him as his wife. All this drama started happening in our marriage and my husband left me and our one month baby just so he could do as his mom wants him to.
I was in tears and shattered for 6 months because I could not imagine my whole life crumbling in front of me. I could not continue with work and baby responsibilities so I quit working.
My ex has 3 women living with him presently. One supposedly pays rent, another one is his best friends wife. He reports her actions and choices directly back to his best friend (sometimes by asking my son to report to him her actions) AND he moved in a another 24 year old girlfriend he has only been seeing for a month. Why can’t my ex see the affect of his choices on our teen aged son who sees the third woman addition (and 4th relationship where the woman moved in) as someone who could be a sibling? Confusing my son. My son was never consulted on his dad’s choiceS? And yet my son has to be the one to figure out how to deal with all this? My ex threatens me if I get my son a counselor and yet, my son is living with a dad who seems to have left his morals in the bar which he lives at.
I have been searching the internet on advice for parents of divorcing children. My son suddenly announced to us and his shocked wife that his marriage was over and he felt he had just been ‘going through the motions’ for some time now. They have no children through choice. He had just found someone he feels could be happier with. He has just spent six months working abroad and this news was given a week before he came home on leave. I love my son dearly but I also love my daughter-in-law. I cry for her pain her life has been shattered. They never argued and seemed joined at the hip. He said it was better to make the break now than living a lie. I understand that and admire him in a way for not progressing Further with his new love before everything was out in the open. Now he is home he wants to know when would be the right time to introduce his new love to the family. I want my son to be happy, they swear that there was no ‘physical’ affair before my son ended his marriage. There are family pictures of my DIL all around our house and I feel like it is a bereavement. I am trying to support both of them. If this new girl is to be part of our lives then I will have to meet her eventually she is probably very nice but how can I do this and not feel I am being unfaithful to my DIL? I just want my son to be happy, but equally my DIL was like a real daughter to me.
Hello Anna Lee, you asked a question I’ve not heard before. Truly it is difficult when our children get divorced and we just have to accept their decision. Much the same as who they pick to marry, or career they enter, or their sexual preferences – we parents don’t have much control, and you sadly won’t be able to make their marriage work to avoid the divorce. I believe your relationship with your son is most important, and that as hard as divorce is (even if he wants it) he is going to have pain, hurt, loss, and heartache to deal with. So he needs your love and support. During the process, let it run its course while staying in the background more. You don’t want to take sides, or make your son more agitated. Tell your beloved daughter-in-law how sorry you are that all this is happening. Make it clear to her that you loved her and when the divorce is done you may be able to see each other. But you don’t want to put yourself in a position of ‘reporter’, telling DIL everything new in your son’s life with the new love. Eventually, maybe your son can accept that you still want to have a relationship with DIL, but for now, supporting both of them is quite the challenge. Probably remove the pictures for now. You’re right, there is grief, and you are having a loss to your family. Hopefully, your kind and patient heart will calm their storm.