Finding Me Again


Loss of Identity

I started thinking about how controlled my life had been during my 18 years of marriage. The more I pondered it, the more I realized that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Looking back, the years all blended together. I had become a robot simply going through the motions of life, living a very controlled existence. Somewhere along the way I had become numb and lost myself.

Discovering Myself

On my own now, I needed and desperately wanted to find me again. I started thinking of all the things I wasn’t allowed to do for 18 years with the intent of making positive changes in my life – and hopefully discovering me again. One item on my list led to another and before I knew it my list just grew and grew. I found this to be very freeing in so many ways:

  •  I can make breakfast for dinner.
  •  I can listen to music, any music, whenever I want and however loudly I choose.
  •  I don’t have to be afraid of being  criticized for every picture I take or edit I do.
  •  I can watch whatever I want to on TV.
  •  I can go to church where I want to go.
  •  I don’t have to go to church.
  •  I can sleep-in.
  •  I can wear what I want, when I want; slinky, low cut, bright red, leather, or go out in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.
  •  I can buy or rent any movie I choose.
  •  I can change my mind 300 times on any given subject.
  •  I can make a big deal out of Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter and go overboard with decorating.
  •  I can buy a real Christmas tree.
  •  I can choose to discuss or not discuss religion and politics.
  •  I can surround myself with uplifting and positive people and rid my life of the negative ones.
  •  I can be friends with someone regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
  •  I can say no.
  •  I can say yes.
  •  I can buy organic and all-natural food items.
  •  I don’t have to balance the checkbook.
  •  I don’t have to be seen and not heard.
  •  I don’t have to have sex unless I want to.
  •  I can order a veggie-only pizza.
  •  I don’t have to sleep in another room when I’m sick.
  •  I can talk to the mailman without being told that I’m flirting.
  •  I can go to movies.
  •  I can go to concerts.
  •  I can go dancing with my girlfriends.
  •  I can go away for the weekend.
  •  I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly if another man strikes up a perfectly innocent conversation with me.
  •  No more private or public humiliation.
  •  No more forced conversations.
  •  For the sake of keeping peace, I don’t have to say “yes” when I mean “no” and vice versa.
  •  I don’t have to put on a happy face when I’m sad.
  •  I can confide in anyone I choose.

Don’t Give Up!

If you’ve lost yourself along the way, I encourage you to find out who you are. There is so much life to live and we need to be who God created us to be; strong, capable, independent thinkers, full of life!

~Molly, RADiCAL sister

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About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.


  1. occhiblu September 28, 2012 at 2:43 am - Reply

    LOVE IT!

    I have been sleeping with the windows open since my soon-to-be wasbund kicked me out. And I have been amazed at how much my self-esteem and competency have increased since I’ve stopped living with someone who criticized my every move.

  2. Suzy February 11, 2017 at 5:33 pm - Reply

    An important part of recovery is figuring out who we are and what we want and then making choices to get the life we want! So liberating!

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