Loss of Identity
I started thinking about how controlled my life had been during my 18 years of marriage. The more I pondered it, the more I realized that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Looking back, the years all blended together. I had become a robot simply going through the motions of life, living a very controlled existence. Somewhere along the way I had become numb and lost myself.
On my own now, I needed and desperately wanted to find me again. I started thinking of all the things I wasn’t allowed to do for 18 years with the intent of making positive changes in my life – and hopefully discovering me again. One item on my list led to another and before I knew it my list just grew and grew. I found this to be very freeing in so many ways:
- I can make breakfast for dinner.
- I can listen to music, any music, whenever I want and however loudly I choose.
- I don’t have to be afraid of being criticized for every picture I take or edit I do.
- I can watch whatever I want to on TV.
- I can go to church where I want to go.
- I don’t have to go to church.
- I can sleep-in.
- I can wear what I want, when I want; slinky, low cut, bright red, leather, or go out in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.
- I can buy or rent any movie I choose.
- I can change my mind 300 times on any given subject.
- I can make a big deal out of Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter and go overboard with decorating.
- I can buy a real Christmas tree.
- I can choose to discuss or not discuss religion and politics.
- I can surround myself with uplifting and positive people and rid my life of the negative ones.
- I can be friends with someone regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
- I can say no.
- I can say yes.
- I can buy organic and all-natural food items.
- I don’t have to balance the checkbook.
- I don’t have to be seen and not heard.
- I don’t have to have sex unless I want to.
- I can order a veggie-only pizza.
- I don’t have to sleep in another room when I’m sick.
- I can talk to the mailman without being told that I’m flirting.
- I can go to movies.
- I can go to concerts.
- I can go dancing with my girlfriends.
- I can go away for the weekend.
- I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly if another man strikes up a perfectly innocent conversation with me.
- No more private or public humiliation.
- No more forced conversations.
- For the sake of keeping peace, I don’t have to say “yes” when I mean “no” and vice versa.
- I don’t have to put on a happy face when I’m sad.
- I can confide in anyone I choose.
Don’t Give Up!
If you’ve lost yourself along the way, I encourage you to find out who you are. There is so much life to live and we need to be who God created us to be; strong, capable, independent thinkers, full of life!
~Molly, RADiCAL sister
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