At first, after divorce most women are worried about surviving period! Trying to get your sexy back doesn’t usually enter your thinking until later because you’re worried you might not ever get that far!
After the divorce, I, for one, had absolutely no desire to be with other men other than friends and family. It was just too soon. That desire to be wanted and loved does come roaring back, but first we have to grieve and heal and learn to love ourselves, again.
Before my midlife divorce, when I looked in the mirror, I saw a confident, fun, healthy, appealing middle-aged woman. After divorce, I saw a frumpy, boring, insecure 53 year old woman who had been discarded by her husband after 33 years for someone younger and thinner and obviously more desirable.
After the separation and divorce, I lost my optimistic outlook, my outgoing, fun personality. I felt insecure and afraid to be myself, because I had lost all confidence in me. If my husband, who knew me better than anyone, thought I wasn’t worth loving, maybe everyone else thought that, too. Looking back, I should have given him the finger and thought, “If he is dumb enough to leave I should be smart enough to let him go!” like a woman in our MDRcommunity suggested.
Sexy Is A Mindset
I read something years ago that said the most appealing (sexiest!) thing about either sex is confidence. Both men and women are most attracted to people who are comfortable in their own skin. We like to be around people who feel good about who they are and what they are doing on this earth.
But after divorce, most of us have trouble feeling confident about ourselves and our desirability. I felt anything but sexy. Getting my sexy self back seemed impossible to do after being told in so many ways that I wasn’t enough. That destruction of our confidence takes longer than we expect to repair.
Sexiness begins in your mind. It begins with being sure about who you are and what you want. It includes saying what you mean, standing up for yourself and being proud of yourself. At the first of my divorce, all I wanted was my old confident, secure self back.
I love this sculpture below, titled “Light Dance,” that I bought after my divorce. I love how this woman is totally comfortable with herself. She is not only appreciating her body, but celebrating it!
Especially during divorce, we need to love ourselves first. As women, we often spend our lives making sure the people we love are being taken care of. We’re used to giving love and pleasure more than getting love and pleasure. That is often our subconscious mindset.
Change that thinking! Especially during separation and divorce, we need to put ourselves at the top of our “To Do” list. We are worth it! And the truth is, if we don’t get our sexy, confident self back after divorce, our life will never be as full and fun and adventurous and purposeful as it was meant to be.
Indulge Yourself Physically
One of the first things I tell women going through divorce is that their #1 Job is to take care of themselves physically. That means doing all those healthy things you already know you should do every day.
Get back in touch with your own body. Without any clothes on, stand up straight, head up, in front of a full-length mirror. No matter what your body looks like, be thankful for every single part of it. Your eyes, nose, mouth, arms, fingers, belly, thighs (yes, thighs!), feet. Be thankful that you have a body that holds the Spirit of God within it, and also allows you to do things every day.
Pamper yourself. Indulge in scented baths, luxurious facials, body massages. (If you can afford it, try a hot stone massage! I got one as a gift from my children when I was first divorced, and it was absolutely incredible!) I cried through the whole thing because (1) It felt so wonderful, and (2) I was so hungry for real physical touch.
After the trauma of divorce, take care of YOU! You deserve it, now more than ever.
Get some yummy smelling special soap. Get a great haircut. Paint your fingernails and toenails red. Get new glasses. Do anything that can get you back in touch with your physical body to remind you that it is, indeed, “fearfully and wonderfully made!”
Buy New Clothes (Or Underwear)
During the whole divorce ordeal, every morning when I was trying to decide what to wear, I really wanted to just stay in my sweats all day or put on “sackcloth and ashes” like they did in the Old Testament to let people know that something really horrendous was going on in their life!
During the separation and divorce, when I looked in my closet full of fun, funky, bright, sometimes edgy clothes, nothing looked good to wear. (Just like nothing sounded good to eat!) I didn’t feel like bright colors or accessories. I felt like my life had turned into an never-ending funeral service, where I needed to mourn in my dark, proper, quiet clothes.
At the same time, I sometimes noticed groups of divorced or divorcing women who went places together who were dressed in too blatantly sexy kinds of clothes. They were loud and they seemed to be trying too hard to be noticed. But if they were like me, they were simply trying to reassure themselves that they were okay and worth loving in spite of the ugly divorce and despair they had been through. I get that.
If you can afford it, go shopping (take advantage of ReSale shops and sales!) Or just wear your own clothes in new and different ways. A few new accent pieces can totally change the look of clothes we already have. But remember, whatever you wear, be confident. Stand up straight. Smile. Stride. We can change how we feel by acting like we want to feel. Try it!
Buying some new sexy lingerie is almost guaranteed to make you feel sexier and aware of your incredible body! Don’t wait til your body is perfect (it never will be!) Grab your sexy back NOW!
There is a RADiCAL (Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love) woman I’ve met through Midlife Divorce Recovery. She has gone through our MasterPlan program. She is also a certified professional color consultant. She knows how color can help you get your sexy back after divorce.
Here are her “Top 4 pointers for utilizing color to bring some subtle mojo back to your life stylistically.”
- Embrace red. Don’t fear it.
Yes, red is the most commanding, powerful and sensual color in the spectrum, and it is also a confidence booster. With red, small doses pack major punch. Consider red lips and nails, or an accent piece like a scarf or handbag. Red is the perfect complement to any neutral color such as black, brown, grey, white or navy.
- Spruce up your look with a pop of lip gloss.
Matte, bold lip color can seem overdone for many women, so I highly recommend a lip gloss in a bright pink or coral. Glosses have much less pigment than do lipsticks, so you can wear a brighter pop of gloss without it seeming too bold.
- Turquoise is the most universally flattering of all colors. Run with it, ladies.
Turquoise brightens my mood and calms me all at once. It also happens to be a flattering color for all skin tones. Now is a good time to invest in some turquoise jewelry, a luxurious scarf, or even some athleisure pieces in this hue. Even with no makeup on your face, watch how turquoise brightens your whole look!
- Invest in the most fabulous pair of colored heels or strappy sandals you can find.
Please do this for yourselves, ladies. A great colored pair of heels can work wonders to make you feel sassy and sexy. They can be worn with dark denim, slacks, pencil skirts, or dresses. Think high quality and versatility. Treat yourself on this one.
(By the way, Lauren also makes suggestions about adding color to your home to make you feel brighter, too!) Find Lauren F. Battistini, Chief Color Strategist, LFB COLOR CONSULTING at www.instagram.com/lfbcolor or reach out directly at 281-989-4086.
At the beginning of my own separation and divorce, I signed up for a membership at a gym. That decision was one of the best things I did for myself. Working out was a fantastic way to start the day! I accomplished something. I felt great when I got home and my body felt stronger and ready to do something positive.
I also rode my bike out on the open road as often as I could. That got me out in the sun and got my heart rate up, too. I rode by myself so I was free to pray or cuss and scream as I pedaled! When I got home I was tired and out-of-breath, but more confident and, yes, desirable.
Or just walk around your neighborhood with long, strong strides wearing some athletic wear that shows off your healthier body! And again, confidence is the sexiest thing about you, so strut your stuff and smile at everyone you meet!
Make fitness happen! It helps smooth out your emotions and makes everything else easier, too. You’re on a circle of feeling better which makes you look better which makes you feel better and more sexy too.
There are a lot of different ways to meditate. Anything that helps you center yourself and gain control over your thoughts and emotions can be considered meditation. It is good for you, especially during and after an overwhelming and exhausting divorce.
I made a habit of having a time of scripture reading and prayer every day. Both are things that calm me and help me take a more measured look at the circumstances of my life. Meditation helps us focus on the “eternal now,” and keeps us from comparing ourselves with others. It’s impossible to compare yourself with others and feel sexy at the same time. Sexiness is about feeling whole and embracing yourself — physical flaws and all.
Meditation also tends to help you see yourself as part of something bigger. For me that adds meaning to the daily happenings of my life — good and bad. After divorce, meditation helps us look more deeply at our relationships with everyone and everything.
Get Your Mojo Back
When you get to the point in your divorce recovery when you’re past just surviving, and want to get your mojo back, your sass back, your sexy back, try the suggestions above. Be confident in who you are and figure out how you’re going to use your unique God-given gifts to make this world a brighter place. That’s the sexiest thing there is!
It helps to talk to other women who are also on the divorce recovery road. Get our Divorce Recovery MasterPlan. It connects you with women from all over the world and provides lots of tools and resources to not just get your sexy back, but to create your best life yet moving forward! Start with our free Divorce Recovery Crash Course to find out more about who we are and how we can help.
the problem I’ve seen is all this advice is for women what about us men?
I have been getting my sexy back…
• talking to men in public. They have noticed me by my respect. Whether it is a small favor to reach some thing on a high shelf st the store etc.
• I joined the gym… started talking to young plp. They are encouraged to help me learn about the equipment when I ask in a sincere and respectful way.
• being divorced at 59 yo due to a toxic marriage has left me with shame and guilt.
• I can now look a man in the eye across the table in a group setting and just give a confident
Smile. Single men need a pure hearted smile as much as single women do.
• your right, confidence is the key.
• throw away those old polyester church dresses. Get a pair of skinny jeans and heels. It’s totally fun!! And you will rock it!!