“Between grief and nothing, I’ll take grief.” ~ Falukner
Good people often grieve. Those who hurt others with a full understanding of their actions don’t usually grieve, unless they come to their senses and at some point understand the damage they have done.
Grief means you comprehend the consequences of hurtful actions. I am not putting myself up as an unusually good person, but I do grieve when I have done something that hurts someone else. Especially someone I love.
If I feel ‘nothing,’ when I inflict hurt to others, that would mean my conscience is seriously damaged. Do any of us know a straying, adulterous, or calloused spouse who really grieves their actions? Most often they seem to feel nothing … no regret, no sorrow, no remorse. They go merrily along their way, regardless of who is hurt in the process.
To Truly Live, Is To Feel Hurt
In the history of my work with divorced people, all who did not want their divorces, grieved. Those (men and women, alike) who left their spouse ‘to find themselves, or to marry a younger person or to fulfill his or her dreams, never seem to grieve that decision. They leave the grieving to those who understand that grief is a normal reaction to wrong.
Grief means you understand good and evil. Grief means that you are a fully living, breathing, caring, loving human being. Grief is hard. But it reinforces the idea that some things deserve grieving. Good people will grieve life’s losses and then find a way to move forward, stronger, and more careful not to cause grief for others or hurt themselves.
The selfish, self-centered, unloving person feels … nothing. They not only do not feel the grief; they do not feel the joy of real love and real caring and real life. I agree with Faulkner, I’ll take grief and true, good life every time. The only other option is nothingness.
“If you set your heart on God and reach out to him …. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again; you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy. …. but the wicked will see none of this. They’re headed down a dead-end road with nothing to look forward to –nothing.” ~ Job 11:13-20 (The Message)
Read more about the divorce grief stages.
Terri,Someone else’s grief is not something we can solve, or fix. If we just sit with them, ofnirefg whatever love and support we can, when they’re ready, it gives them an outlet, a sounding board. Sometimes they need us to listen, sometimes action is called for, even if it is only to hand them a handkerchief, give a hug, or pick up cat food at the grocery store.Each of these things is a gift of time. And now-a-days time is often a difficult thing for us to give with our busy lives. But it is essential for someone who is grieving, whether young or old. Gayle McCainwww.gaylemccain.blogspot.com
I grieved at one point but with so much pain and betrayal heaped on over and over and continuing to this very day…I no longer seem to feel anything….I am numb and I cannot fathom finding any solace. I have no joy and its constantly thrown in my face by my adult kids….it cannot be discussed and they don’t care…after nearly 30 years of the same grief…I have no more ability to feel anything but bitterness and I hate my ex for what he did…he destroyed me, laughed about it…and on purpose destroyed our family…he allowed my kids to bully and abuse me too…..and every step towards healing gets dashed immediately at the first sign of disagreement….its a never ending cycle that I can no longer tolerate…I feel hollow and angry….and I no longer want a thing to do with anyone in my family….I haven’t met anyone who really cares…and when you constantly are left with nothing but betrayal, you come to a point where you have no room left to grieve…you can only shut down.
i dont about forgiveness but anger is not the answer. I understand its hard to not be able to be heard. I mean really heard. Im sure with each hurt person there are similarities but each is also very different. Even this article makes it sound like our x’s are evil people. I dont think they are. They wanted out. They wanted a different life. Each of us had the option to do the same thing. Leave or stay. I wish you the very best. I hope you find some happiness ( I have been told, it’s not too late).
I have found the last two years of separation from my husband the most painful I have ever lived through. Both our sons got married last year too. On top of the usual pain of divorce I became homeless and incomeless as we were building a house, and I had to move out as I could not finish the project. I have learnt to forgive my husband, not once, but hundreds of times. Jesus asks us to forgive the way we have been forgiven. If resentment and anger and bitterness build up again I can’t change him, or my family, I can only change how I feel, and I want to feel the joy of knowing and loving and being loved by God. So I forgive again. And again. And again. I find I can even love my husband and bless him as an enemy of the cross. I have found I understand much better now why he wanted to separate because I’m seeing through eyes of love not hate and hurt. It gives me more concern that my husband , as an adulterer, will go to hell, than ever it does that he hurt me and our boys and broke up our family. I’m used to tears now. I’m used to loneliness. God is using this desert period to refine me and equip me for his purposes. I don’t always get things right. I let hurt simmer for too long before I forgive. I imagine how much easier it would be if my husband were dead. Then I look again at the eternal perspective and forgive again. To know Gods love flowing through me and all the hurt, to have experienced poverty and no home of my own, has made me trust Jesus implicitly. He has provided money, food,… Read more »
Thank you Heidi ❤️