I’m a woman probably very much like you. A woman healing from a divorce. A woman who was faced with a divorce after 33 years of marriage. A divorce I didn’t want. A divorce that took my vision of what I thought my life would be and turned it into an embarrassing soap opera I never imagined possible. Essentially I’ve experienced the rejection that can tear you apart from the inside and leave your life in what seems to be an unending torture.
I’m pretty sure that your big life plan didn’t include searching through the web, with a box of Kleenex on the seat beside you, looking for articles or help about divorce recovery and healing either.
I wish we were sitting across the table from each other having a cup of coffee or some hot tea or maybe a double martini straight up, (although I’ve never had a double martini straight up). I’ll admit that one Christmas on a particularly bad day, I did take a big swig out of the Wild Turkey bottle when I was baking a Christmas cake. Anyway, just believe me when I say I’ve been to the bottom and back again to tell my story and to help struggling women get back on their feet.
I want you to know … really know in your gut … that this experience of divorce can be a point of positive transformation for you. Transformation to a life better than you think is possible from where you sit right now.
Here’s what I want you to know regardless of how hard it is to imagine: Your life will be good again! And you will laugh again and you will recover and heal and you will get a good night’s sleep again. You’ll stop obsessing about the things you can’t change, and eventually you won’t care what he’s doing or where he’s going because you’ll be living your own life …full of adventure, excitement, fun, and yes, even love again.
Like I said, you probably don’t believe me, but I have witnessed hundreds of women go from total despair coping with divorce to unbelievable happiness, and it is my hope that what I have learned and what this site and community provides will get you back to being the strong, powerful, optimistic woman you know you are.
How To: Healing From A Divorce
I do have information that will help you. I’m truly sorry you are in a position to need this Program, because I know how your heart is feeling as you are reading this. But I’ve learned things that will help make this recovery easier and faster than if you just try to stumble and thrash around on your own. I did that, and it almost did me in … seriously. My journey was not pretty. My kids laugh (they can laugh now – it definitely wasn’t funny then) at some of the embarrassing, ridiculous, useless things I did to try to get my husband back, and when that didn’t work, to try to find some sense of myself again after the divorce.
I’m not going to waste time giving you the history of my life and my divorce and my recovery. You probably have already read about me in the About Us section. And if you haven’t and want to you can.
The truth of the matter is, The About Us section shouldn’t be about me. It talks about me and explains why I care about midlife divorce … but I’m not really comfortable having an “About Me” section on the site. In reality… it should be about all the RADiCAL Women, because we’re all in this together. Every woman is important. Every story is about a real life that has the potential to be really good …. Or to end up without much beauty in it at all. This midlife divorce recovery site and these programs are designed for all of us to help each other on this trip that we didn’t want. In fact, when we start out, most of us don’t have a clue about how to navigate it with any measure of grace at all.
None of us got married with the thought we’d end up struggling our way through an agonizing divorce … especially a divorce at midlife. I know you’re mad you’re in this position. Instead of reading this, you’re probably thinking some version of: “I should be listening to music I love on my way to having dinner with my husband. Or I should be reading about the Baroque Period in Art or maybe casually listening to the local news. None of us thought we’d end up needing divorce recovery services.
I remember the first divorce recovery class I tried, I was pissed off (yes, pissed off!) that I was driving to a divorce recovery class instead of to a Yoga class or an art class or taking one of my grandkids to see a movie. (And by-the-way, when I got there the room was full of a bunch of sad, depressing people reliving their mad, sad tales of hurt and betrayal.) I endured the class – trying not to be buried myself in the funeral-parlor atmosphere — but I was furious my wasband (you know the guy who WAS my husband) had put me in that position and I sobbed and yelled my fury in my car all the way home.
But, I know, too, if you’re reading this, you’re trying to get better. You want to get better. You want to stop feeling like you’re feeling. The truth is … you care about people close to you (you know they’re worried about you) and you care about living the best life you can in spite of this unexpected tornado that has ripped though your life. You keep replaying scenes and conversations in your head trying to figure out what went wrong and what you should have done differently and what you’re supposed do you do now in the face of this total midlife meltdown.
Also, If you’re anything like me, (and most other women going through this) you wonder if you’ll ever be happy again. I’m here to tell you that Healing from a divorce will happen.
I want to tell you something right up front. Listen carefully and remember it even if you don’t believe it now. Are you ready? I want you to know that an amazingly good life is not only possible after divorce, it’s promised. Along with hundreds of other RADiCAL Women, I am living proof of that good life after divorce. I want you to know … really know in your gut … that this experience of divorce can be a point of positive transformation for you. Transformation to a glorious new life … a life better than you think is possible from where you sit right now. A life with more gifts in it than you can even imagine.
But, I know the sense of agony and confusion and complete disbelief you’re feeling at this point in the process. I spent those agonizing days and sleepless nights of desperation, too. If you’re like most women early on, your head can’t quite get around the idea of your marriage coming to an end. You don’t know how to process that reality and what it means for your future.
As I said, I did not start out my life with the plan of being a divorced woman and never never did I have any inkling that I’d morph into a midlife divorce recovery specialist. In fact, if you had asked me at any point along the way, I would have bet the farm (if I had one) on me never being divorced. Divorce was never in my thinking. My parents were married from 1941 until my mom died in 2009, 68 years. I didn’t believe in divorce. And I loved being married to the man I married in 1967 when I was 21 years old.
Our life was not perfect. But it was a life that other people envied. People looked at our healthy, thriving family with great kids, fun, active, involved parents, and saw a good life. We had the life everyone wanted. In fact, we had a great life (I thought). We got through finding jobs and moving up and four first days of kindergarten and four college acceptances. We weathered financial lean years and, I at least, thought we were getting to the part where we could kick back a little and stay out all night if we wanted to without having to make sure the kids were taken care of. We were supposed to be getting to the point where work was not so demanding and we could spend more time enjoying each other and the life we had created together. I thought eventually the two of us would go to the Shady Lane Retirement Village together. I made promises before God and before our family and friends that I would love and honor and cherish him until one of us died.
By the way, that’s what prompted me to latch on to the title for my next book – suggested by a great editor, Jessica Kerrigan … She said the title of my new book of 101 ways to stop asking the questions after divorce and start creating the life you want should be : If he said, “‘Til Death Do Us Part,” Why Is He Still Alive? I love that title and so do most divorced woman who didn’t want divorce but got it anyway. … In fact, that’s a real question I kept asking myself over and over again. I kept thinking, “This cannot be happening. This isn’t how my life is supposed to be. I’m fifty years old. We’re supposed to dance together at all our kids’ weddings and take our grandkids skiing and sit out on the deck and listen to baseball games together when we get too old to drive. We promised to take care of each other “til death do us part.” Obviously that’s not going to happen.
You’ve probably had some of those same thoughts and you may be thinking something else in your inner heart. You might be thinking like I did…. “It would be easier if he HAD died.” It wouldn’t be so devastating to who I am as a woman and what most of my life has been about. This divorce made me suddenly think that I wasn’t good enough, or fun enough or sexy enough or thin enough or that I wasn’t enough, period. But I knew in my heart, even though I made tons of mistakes over the 33 years we were married … I knew that I had put my heart and soul, not to mention all the days and nights and weekends and holidays into my husband and my children and the good of our family. In fact, I loved doing that.
Now, just when things were slowing down a little, my wasband decided he wanted a different life. I can’t even describe how brokenhearted and devastated I was and how in the dark hours of the night, I thought I might not ever recover.
And then the rage and bitterness and thoughts of revenge set in … I spent too long ruminating over how I could make him get some little glimpse of the pain he had caused for so many, many people. I know, if you’re a normal flesh and blood woman with normal female emotions and especially if you’re anywhere around the era of menopausal mayhem, you have some of those same feelings too. I didn’t want to keep obsessing about things I couldn’t change, but I couldn’t seem to help myself and it was getting in the way of my recovery. I didn’t really know how to stop the downward spiral. I didn’t know if I could ever get back to even a moderately decent life again.
So, I’m pretty sure at this moment, deep down you doubt that words like amazing, fulfilling, glorious, adventurous, and fun could ever describe your life now that this has happened.
I know I’ve made where you are sound terrible … but it’s where most of us start … and where too many women stay for way too long. In fact, the words don’t even begin to describe the frightening depth of the agony and despair most of us feel especially at the beginning of this trip. You’re probably feeling some level of that despair or you wouldn’t be here.
Healing After Divorce: What Happens Next
Now that we are absolutely clear how crappy most women feel at the start of this trip, we’re going to talk about “What happens next!” We all know WHERE we are, and we know we don’t want to STAY where we are. We want to heal after divorce. I seriously thought that if I didn’t figure out some way to get better, I might actually die …. I mean physically die. And sometimes I thought that would be the easiest solution in light of how I was feeling. But we know that’s not a real solution to anything. And anyway, after a while I didn’t want to let my wasband have the pleasure of thinking his ridiculous, selfish behavior had that much of an affect on me. It did, but I didn’t want him to see how broken I was by the whole thing.
In the years since my divorce things have changed for me. Miracles have happened. I have learned amazing lessons about life and love and joy and peace and contentment along with things like mowing the lawn and paying the bills. Most of what I’ve learned, I’ve learned BECAUSE of my divorce … not in spite of it.
And now, I have this passion to share those lessons with you. I don’t want you to try to get through this on your own or with just a one-hour meeting with a counselor every week, even though that can be very, very helpful. You, like all of us, need a map in order to achieve healing after divorce. You need concrete practical help, tried and true techniques, and dependable tools. Plus I want you to have a whole army of strong, wise, good-hearted companions by your side every single step of the way. I don’t want you trying to go through this alone … with the community on this site you have women from all over the world who get how you’re feeling and want to help. That’s how this online divorce support group has been designed. You will have constant, continual help available 24/7, 365 days a year.
Ten years of listening and learning and helping RADiCAL Women have given me insights, and I’ve developed lots of resources that will help. These tools have brought a new sense of hope and healing to other women and they can do the same for you. They have helped countless women who thought healing after divorce wasn’t possible. I’ve helped them re-think their purpose for being on this planet earth and have led women to (full-out) joy, robust peace after divorce, and an openness to love that makes life the adventure it is supposed to be.
I am glad you’re here because this community can make a positive difference in your life, too. You can one-day say … like I do now … “the life lessons I’ve learned through my divorce have made the journey worth it.” And believe me those are pretty radical words after the pain and anguish we’ve all experienced. But it’s true for me. My life will never be the same. I am in awe of so many things I used to take for granted. (Even though I was always aware of my many, many blessings!) I see more every day the power of helping others. (A power that makes MY life infinitely better). I laugh harder. I cry without apology. I live as close to (full-out) as I can every day. You can too. If you stick with us and do the steps of this plan, You will start “getting” life in an isn’t-this-awesome-too-good-to-be-true kind of way.
But the catch is … you have gut up, face the pain and do the work. We can’t do it for you. But we will be there to hold your hand and cry with you and yell in fury with you and then jump with joy as you move forward.
So, here are two things I want you to know right now. You probably won’t believe them … but I’m going to tell them to you anyway.
- Your divorce will teach you some of the most life-changing, soul expanding, lessons you will ever learn.
- You will end up living every day with an exuberance and a serenity and a level of love you never thought you’d experience again.
I mean that. That miracle happened in my life and it has happened in the lives of other R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women. It can happen in your life, too. And by-the-way, you don’t have to get married again to have those things. In fact, it’s better to learn the lessons before you even think about new romantic relationships.
You may be thinking, “What in the heck is she talking about?! Forget it. I’m not going to waste my time with a bunch of psycho-babble positive thinking mind-talk that doesn’t change the fact that my life partner is with some disgusting excuse for a woman, and that I’m becoming the Pillsbury Dough Girl with occasional hot flashes thrown in , and my children are actually doing what I’ve guided them to do all these years and that’s be independent and leave home. And to top it off, I have no idea how I’m going to pay the electric bill, and I can’t stop crying in the car every time a song comes on that reminds me of our life together.
All those upbeat, motivational words will not change the truth of what I’m facing … bone-shaking loneliness, unexpected rage and full-blown panic simmering just below the surface. All these “You can do it!” mental mantras and tricks won’t give me my self-confidence back or get me a job or keep me warm at night. I have to sell my house and start over with everything.. My social life is almost non-existent and I’m mad someone else is getting the sex I always enjoyed. My wasband thinks his life has definitely taken a turn for the better. He’s introducing his girlfiend to OUR friends, and most mornings I’m still staring at the ceiling tired and exhausted, when it’s time to get up.
I felt that same way … most of us did. Some of you still do.
But your life is not going to feel like this forever. You’re not going to have this big ball of lead where your heart used to be forever. You’re going to finally realize that you can take your life back and you can make it good again, and heal after divorce. And I want you to know that it can be not just sort of good …. It can be amazingly, fantastically good. Really.
If you have to, suspend the logical-thinking part of your brain for the time it takes to read this article. Even though you don’t really know me from Eve, what I’m telling you is true. Maybe you’re desperate enough to try anything. I don’t care what it takes to convince you to Sign Up & Get Help. I see women every day whose lives are being transformed. These concepts aren’t just words. They work. They’re not magic, but they make a difference. And, since you’re here, you may as well throw yourself into it completely and see what happens. What do you have to lose? You have a bright new future to gain.
I know right off the bat, I can make three simple statements that if you really accept them, your life going forward will be revolutionized. (And I did not learn these lessons quickly or easily.) I was not only off the deep end with sadness and grief, it’s lucky I didn’t kill anybody once I got to the mad stage! Really. If you can get these three realities firmly in your head, you’ve taken three giant leaps in the right direction.
Are you ready? Here they are:
Number 1. The past is past.
Did you get that? Say it “The past is past.”
Number 2. This moment is the only time I can control.
Say it: This moment is the only time I can control.
And Number 3. My future is up to me.
Say it: My future is up to me!
Okay, I am going to repeat them one more time:
The past is past.
This moment is the only time you can control.
Your future is up to you.
Let’s talk about the past for just a minute. During divorce, we somehow imagine that if we just obsess about it enough or keep going over it enough, and reliving it enough, the past will change. I guess that’s what we think. Why else would we do that? We let the past dominate the present and then we can’t get the future we want because we drag the past into what we’re doing now. You absolutely cannot change one single thing that has happened before this instant. That time and what happened there can never be altered. No matter how much you wish you had made different choices or he had said different things or taken different actions, the past will never be different. All the screaming and crying and acting ridiculous will not change one single thing in the past. So give up your obsession with what happened any time before this moment. Stop trying to analyze it or figure it out or wish it was different. It is what it is … the past.
Your time is much better spent in the moment that you can control which is right now.
You have the choice of what to do right now. You can use this moment to move forward and for something good or you can use it in ways that can make you an eternal victim. You can make this moment (and the rest of your life for that matter) miserable because your wasband found a girlfiend, or you can accept the best of this moment and create new dreams for the future. Some women choose the path of turning into ugly green witches no one wants to be around by staying stuck in the past. 10 or 15 years after their divorce they are still bitter and jealous and unwilling to move forward because of “What he did.” What he (or they) or you or anyone else did in the past does not matter. What matters is what you are doing right now.
Believe me, I learned these lessons the hard way. And it would be a shame for me to go through the agony of doing all the wrong stuff that didn’t work and then not share what I learned with women it could help. We can all learn from each other and save both time and tears. I didn’t want to be stuck as a prisoner of the past. For one thing, I started realizing, “while I’m curled up in the fetal position with the covers over my head about something I cannot change, he and his girlfiend (by the way, if you’ve read the book you know a girlfiend is a girl who has an affair with a married man) are on a blanket somewhere with a bottle of wine and romantic music, reading poetry to each other and having a grand old time.” That thought started making me mad. I mean really, really mad and that anger helped propel me to get better … just out of spite.
Healing From Divorce: Focusing On The Present
Now back to the present. The only time you can control is this moment. Here’s my advice about this moment. Close your eyes, Take a deep breath and accept it. What better option is there? This moment is what you’ve got. Don’t judge it as good or bad. Just accept it. You are a midlife woman. You are at some point in the process of divorce. You may be hungry. You have to accept what is going on in this moment. Then the next step is to think about what you can be thankful for in this moment. Do you have two legs? Can you see? Do you have good food to eat? And plenty of water to drink whenever you want it? Do you have your intelligence and your personality? Be thankful for all the amazingly good stuff in this moment. You can’t name every good thing you have in this moment. Women all over the world would give anything to have the good things you are overlooking right now because you’re mad at someone about something you can’t change. Are you beginning to see how ridiculous that is? Just for one minute, think about every single good thing in your life in this moment. You can’t even begin to name them all.
After you realize that there are too many good things in this moment to count, think to yourself, “Is there anything I need to change to make my life better? What would make my life better? What can I do in this moment to move in the direction of my dreams?”
And by the way, many women give up their dreams after divorce. As pointed out by a Kansas City counselor, Karen Rowinsky, women during divorce are sometimes afraid to dream because they’re afraid it might be one more big disappointment in their lives. Don’t be afraid to dream. In fact make it a priority now.
Okay, let’s get back to doing things in the present to move in the direction of our dreams. Make it challenging. Pretend you are driving in your car to the lawyer’s office. You may soon be sitting across the table from the man you loved for most of your life and who is now trying to keep you from getting what you deserve in support. What can make the moment better? Can you pray for personal peace in this moment? Or get yourself centered using some other tool like meditation? Can you be thankful for a few good things right now? Can you calmly gather your thoughts and put your shoulders back and your chin up and get confident and realize that your life can be good regardless of what happens in that room. Can you stop and get some flowers to take home after the meeting? Can you get a cup of coffee to enjoy on the way?Can you visualize something in this moment that will make you smile or even laugh?
One RADiCAL woman said every time she had to meet with her wasband, who was a very loud and overpowering man, she visualized him as a blustery little mouse with a tiny little penis and a tiny little sword and a stupid hat on his head with a big red plume on it. Would that help you relax you a little?
Or here’s another scenario: you can use this moment to work yourself into such a frenzy that by the time you get to the office you’re practically incoherent with anger or about to dissolve into tears before you even see his face. It’s your choice. You have control of the moment.
Get in the habit of intentional living in the moment. Don’t be lead around by the nose of reactions and immediate responses that don’t help. Specifically make good choices in the moment.
When you remember that this moment is all you can control, and when you realize you have a choice about what to do with this moment and you choose something good, life changes. When you get in the habit of accepting the good things in this moment, then calmly thinking what is the best thing I can be doing in this moment … you start living with more gratitude and intention. You aren’t thrown around by every erratic emotion or non-thinking reaction. You aren’t pulled back into the Poor Me swamp. Or the Wicked Him wilderness. Even if he is a Wicked Him, he doesn’t control your moments now or in your future. You do.
Remember, too that doing the right thing in the moment always pays off. And you can always choose to do the right thing. No matter what anyone else is doing. Doing the right thing helps you live your best life now and it eventually creates the future you deserve to have. That is one of the unwritten laws of the universe. It’s a law that is immutable and unchangeable. We always reap what we sow. And goodness always wins. Write that down. It may not seem like it in your divorce or in your life right now. But it is always true.
But, as I said, some women seem to find some consolation in being miserable (why in the world would you choose that option?) Does it make him look bad? Does it bring you sympathy? Do you become the long-suffering martyr. What fun are any of those things? I wanted a fantastic, full, adventure of a life … not some whimpy, whiney, why me? Sorry and sad existence. You should not settle for anything less that an amazingly good life either.
Our resources can help you choose to make your moments and your life and your future, not just wonderful, but truly amazing … beyond your wildest dreams. I know I use that term “wildest dreams” a lot. I love the mental image of my wildest dreams because it throws open fantastic possibilities for me. The term wildest dreams came from something St. Paul said to a little group of people who were struggling with hurt and pain and discouragement more than 2000 years ago. By the way, wherever you are on the God issue, this is a good time to give that some thought. Regardless of how you personally envision God, this advice is from a guy who was smart and powerful and whose life was just humming along. His name was Saul of Tarsus. Saul’s spiritual awakening came with a bright illumination that blinded him (like our divorce has blinded us temporarily). His response was immediate and life changing. He gave up his destructive past and started living in the holy now. (As a result, he got his own radical name, Paul, just like all the radical women do!) and his life was never the same.
For me, he’s a model of how change is possible no matter what happened in the past, and his words bring hope and courage. Here’s what he said to people who were being harassed and persecuted and who were afraid and unsteady about their future. Paul told them – and he was speaking by experience by the way … “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” I don’t know about you, but that gives me hope.
And in my life those “wildest dreams” are already becoming reality every day. Your wildest dreams will come true not because of anything happening on the outside. They don’t depend on how much money you have or where you live or what your wasband is or isn’t doing or if you ever get married again. The fulfillment of your own wildest dreams is something that happens deep within you … and nothing going on around you can destroy them ever again. That’s a pretty radical reality.
Healing After Divorce Takes Time
This journey isn’t going to be done tomorrow. In fact, it will take more time than you want. There are times you’ll get discouraged and think “This isn’t working.” You might forget to make the right choice in the heat of the battle. You might fall back to bad behavior now and then. But you will get better. Soon this radical way of living becomes a way of life. And then really cool stuff starts happening. From the very beginning, you start seeing glimpses of the light in the distance and it becomes brighter and brighter as you go along. And pretty soon you are living in an aura of illumination that never goes away … no matter what happens.
If you decide to join us, we will guide your through those steps of healing and rebuilding. Along with all the other RADiCAL women, I will be beside you every step of the way giving you encouragement every day and you will find work to do and interviews to listen to with experts in different fields of recovery. And you can connect with other RADiCAL Women 24/7 in the community.
Throughout this next period you will start
Love the enthusiasm of this article.
10 months into separation and I seem to be getting worse, can’t seem to get over the sadness/depression, I spend most days crying morning noon and night.
Normally I’m a very happy and optimistic person, Until wife says she wants a divorce, I can’t stop obsessing about her, we have 3 kids. I’ve lost all motivation to live, lost my job, can’t seem to do anything but cry. Feeling hopeless and empty. I moved out in June, have the kids on the weekends but cant afford to pay support, feeling like a hopeless loser, even though I’m quite skilled and talented cant seem to put any of it to use. Tried a dating website but the thought of being with anyone or dating anyone else makes me feel sick, I just want my wife and family back, need some motivation help!!
Wow this breaks my heart reading some of the comments. But what I read is everything I am feeling. 52 yrs old. Married to my true love thought I was his true love aswell, then bang out of no where, even our friends were shocked. It feels like a death, I don’t want to get back with my x-husband he will never be faithful nor does he want to get back. But my heart has been blown apart, I feel like someone died. I sit around blaming myself. I put my guard down let him handle all of our financials/ he did everything for me. I entrusted my life in his hands I was always afraid to trust. But he had me conviinced I was his true love. Guard came down and well you know the outcome. Prior to our marriage I was in controll and strong person, could handle the world alone. Now I am worthless, want to be alone, I am emotionally dead. If I could crawl in a hole and die to forget this pain I would but I know I have to move on. I am hoping what I have read and follow the advice gets me moving. I don’t understand how I can still love someone who hurt me and throw me away like a piece of garbage, thats where I would like to punch myself in the throat. And I don’t know how I am going to handle once he goes in public with girlfriend, they are keeping things on the low till her divorce is final. How do I handle that?
Well thank you for starting this midlife divorce recovery. I will follow advice. Thank you, and to all we need to not give up.
I am now 6years divorced and I still suffer some effects of it.I was married 30yrs..he was the love of my life and will always be. I just was with him a week ago as my only daughter walked down the aisle with her true love.it was easier than I anticipated.not to ramble on but I have Addhd as well.I have my own coping skills and haven’t dated or even want to.I went through therapy and my lifestyle is very complex. I no longer cry everyday or even once a month.I thought I would die sobbing all the time.I now view my marriage,children,my home,and holidays together as a blessing meant to remember fondly.I had everything a woman would want and that’s my past blessing.it’s now time to create a future blessing. I don’t regret my marriage.it wasn’t all terrible.I keep it in a mental memory box to cherish.now I can do,say,love,and anything else I fancy.I love art and now I do all the art I want to. I live one day at a time,moment by moment ad grace allows.
18 years we were married and the first half were the best of my life…hands down. But he was always jealous and in ridiculous but ugly ways. I wrote a story, a silly murder mystery solved by a cop. He is still convinced I had an affair with a cop. The dog chewed up a pair of underwear on the bathroom floor. Affair. He worked more and more at a legitimately demanding job, but our lives began to glide a part about 10 years ago when I had my third child and he opened the bar. I realize now that he was living his own life more and more and the attacks and general control over me is obvious in retrospect. But when it was good it was very good and up until this past November I would have said I was happy. Beginning in August he started not coming home until later and later. He didn’t make it to a single soccer match for his son and when he was home, more often then not he was glued to sports on the tv. We argued last summer because he never spent any time with the children. But it really began to sour in August when he again suspected me of having an affair. I wasn’t. In 18 years there has been only him. Not even an inappropriate coffee date. He had me on eggshells. Then in late October he went 2 days MIA during a citywide party we have in town. He rolled in with the sun and at ten while I was making breakfast he suggested a booty call. He smelled of alcohol and still had m a me up on his face and there was that breakfast and 3 kids down the hall….I laughed and said no.… Read more »
I will get my decree absolute next week. I am 61 years old, married for 38 years, with my ex for 40 years. He left me for a woman 25 years younger than us both. She has never worked, has no children, and has had affairs with older married men before. He says it was all my fault – I wasn’t affectionate enough, and busy with my career, my family, friends and hobbies. She just wants to be with him 24/7. So he has all he wants. I have been devastated, but this site has helped so much. I work 2 days a week, and the rest of the week, I volunteer in wildlife conservation groups. That has been my Saviour – being with like-minded people, outdoors, keeping fit and healthy. I have brilliant friends, but who are now letting me get on with my own healing, as are my grown up children. I have stopped telling them how I feel, and keep smiling when I am with them. I cry most evenings, but that is my “set time” to grieve, when no-one sees me. The rest of the time, I seem like my old fun loving self. I am waiting for that to be me 24/7, because I know that I am crying for him, but it doesn’t bring him back, it doesn’t interest him in any way, so I am only hurting myself. I have been fair and pleasant all through this. I let him take money, furniture, – half of everything, including my pension I worked 40 years for. No anger or bitterness towards him, or her. You can’t help who you love, and he loves her, not me. If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it is not with you.… Read more »
Very good article Suzy, I so enjoy your ministry and this is exactly what it is. You have a way with words that I just seem to never be able to get. From all of these comments, there are a lot of hurting people out there. It has been 4 years for me. Not only am I dealing with divorce but I find myself still dealing with the wasband too because of the effect he is still having on my grown children. My wasband is a addict, he just fell and broke his arm 2 weeks ago, wouldn’t get the drug test so workers comp won’t pay for it. He is now about to be homeless and wants to sleep on my 26 year old daughters couch. She was just married in August and has her whole life ahead of her. I know that I am better off without him due to the stress he put me under but it is breaking my heart watching my daughter who didn’t ask for this to have to deal with him. This situation is still another part of the process for me accepting the divorce, I see that I am better off now if I could just find the confidence to get out and meet more people and maybe find love again. I really have had no interest and still really don’t, I know that is ok and I will when the time is right but right now I still need to get over grieving and accept what life has thrown at me. I still have to work the 2 and 3 jobs to survive, and I don’t feel like I’m a very happy person to be around. These are the changes I still hope for, for me. I enjoy reading your comments… Read more »
I just cannot stop crying and asking myself why did this happen to me. It has been a year and a half that we are separated and i cry every day. I wake up physically sick
I have read the posts, divorce sucks!
My husband wants a divorce. We have 2 kids 14b and 16g. He has been verbally abusive and disrespectful for many years. I knew this but thought I could change him and believed in “in sickness and in health” I’m learning that things happen to good people and I did my best to try to save our marriage but he did not. He has asked me to leave but I will not leave my kids. He is living in the basement and refuses to say anything to me. It is difficult to see him everyday and embarrassing when friends said they seen him on dating sights especially when we are not divorced nor seperated yet. I’m hopeful things will get better. This probably means without him in my life. I have much to be thankful for . It is difficult and I feel for every women going through it. I pray for us everyday.
Hi everyone, I’m a man suffering in the same ways you laddies are, this pain isnt just for women. Thanks for the theopy, I’ve been looking for like minded people struggling and asking the same questions as I have been.
I am divorced 1yr. I instigated the separation as he was drinking, lost his job, v controlling and critical. He said he’d never agree to a divorce, but 3 months after leaving us he filed on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Turns out he’d met someone else.
Had an awful year while solicitors sorted everything out. I got used to being a single parent, and worrying alot about the children, and about money.
But I am fortunate to have a good job and so am just about breaking even.
I didn’t contest the settlement… I just wanted to get shot of him.
So compared to lots of others, it’s not been so dreadful, but still has had a big effect on me, my confidence, my energy etc.
But I no longer live my life on high alert, waiting for the next critical comment, or taunting jibe, or misuse of our joint account.
And, despite all the grief and sadness and anger for years gone by, I now feel that I am better off living alone than with him but in fear.
Yes I am sometimes lonely but at least I am not anxious about my next move being judged or criticised.
I am learning to love myself and realise that it’s not all my fault.
It’s taken a long time to get here, and sometimes its felt like I’d be better off dead, but spring is here again and this year it looks more lovely than I’ve noticed for a long time.
Anyone, guy or girl, reading this, hang in there and be kind to yourself.