How To Get Over A Divorce


At this point you may have come to the realization that getting over a divorce is a lot more complicated than you thought. In fact, you may be asking yourself: “How long am I going to feel like this? When am I going to start feeling better? Why can’t I stop obsessing over this divorce? Why did he do that? Why didn’t I do this? What are they doing now?”

Those are normal questions after divorce. Useless, but normal. Hopefully you’re also saying, “I want my life back! Help!” I recommend three immediate steps to get through a divorce:

  1. Accept the reality of your divorce.
  2. Make the decision to take control.
  3. Do small actions every day to create the life you want.

Step One: Accepting The Divorce

But we say to ourselves: “I didn’t want this divorce! I hate being divorced! This is not how my life is supposed to turn out!” Though those thoughts may be true, the first step toward healing after divorce is fully accepting it. You have to get solidly in your head either, “I am getting divorced,” or “I am divorced.” That is your new reality.

Most women try to desperately deny the truth as long as they can. Though they know the reality of the situation in their head, they deny it in their actions by keeping ties to their ex in unhealthy ways.

Often our wasbands try to keep their foot in the door of our life by trying to be our friend, or offering to fix the sink, or as one RADiCAL woman revealed, by sending her flowers and candy saying that he still loved her.

Many men, out of guilt or… whatever, mess with our hearts like that. Another word for that is abuse. Being divorced means you both have to accept the natural consequence of divorce: getting him out of your life as much as possible.

If you have children, managing relations with your ex will be a challenge for a while. But you do have to get him out of your life emotionally. Usually the less interaction the better. Do not be drawn into letting him take up valuable space and energy in your head and in your heart that you should be concentrating on yourself and your own new life. Accept divorce and its consequences.

But the next question is what’s really important: What do I do now?

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Step Two: Deciding To Take Control Of Your Life

How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?

It takes different people different amounts of time to get over their divorce. You can’t get through or get over your divorce issues today. There are too many. In fact, some psychologists say to count on one year of recovery and healing after divorce for every five to seven years you were married! I said, “I don’t have that long! I might be dead by then!” Other professionals say that you need one month of recovery time for every year of marriage. That still seemed too long to me. (Read more about how long it should take to get over a divorce).

Will I Ever Get Over My Divorce?

Yes, and my honest opinion is that divorce takes at least one year of serious work to get through successfully. I say a year, because part of the grieving process includes mourning all of those anniversaries that happen over a year. Holidays, birthdays, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and other personal, couple or family anniversaries.

Allowing yourself time to really grieve is necessary to move forward. You can take control by accepting that you must mourn this loss.

The real step to divorce recovery is when you understand that the rest of your life is up to you, and you CAN get over your divorce. Your wasband doesn’t control you now. He is not in charge of your happiness; you are. Whatever happens in the rest of your life is your choice. You have the choice to decide to spend your days being bitter and angry, or you can decide to find things to celebrate and be thankful for.

When you’re on this journey, you decide if you’re going to get out of bed every morning and find something productive to do, or if you’re going to stay in bed in an emotional and physical dump all day. So get in your head that getting over divorce means taking personal control, and taking responsibility for your life. Your future is up to you.

That brings us to step number three, which determines success or failure in the process of getting through divorce.

Step Three: Taking Actions Everyday That Move You Forward

I know this whole thing sounds exhausting and getting through divorce can be exhausting. But start with baby steps; it’s a process. So in the beginning, concentrate on making tiny actions that will start you on the road to your best new life after divorce.

When you first wake up every morning try saying to yourself, “Thank you that I made it through the night.” Add five new things to your list every morning, “Thank you for my eyes. Thank you that I can walk into the kitchen and have something good to eat. Thank you for coffee. Thank you that I have two legs and the freedom to use them.” This seemingly simple attitude adjustment toward gratitude will be profound in bringing about healing in your heart.

All through the day, focus on taking these small (but really, really important) steps forward. Before you do something, ask yourself, “will this move me forward or does this keep me stuck in the divorce pit?”

Always make the choice to take those small actions to keep moving forward. Taking action also means getting the resources you need like coming to this site. That’s a very positive step in the right direction. You’ll get help and encouragement and tools to keep on Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love.

Getting Over Divorce Is Not Easy

Getting over a divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be the most challenging and frustrating experience  you ever face in life. But the truth is, learning the lessons involved in getting over divorce can be the most powerful lessons you ever learn. (Read about the stages of divorce recovery).

Surviving Divorce After 20 Or 30 Years Of Marriage

When we have been married 20 or 30 years, it usually takes us a while to accept the reality that our marriage is over.  Most of us thought if we made it that long, we would be good to go for the rest of our lives. More and more often, that is not the case.

After a long marriage, we know in our head that he is gone, but it takes our heart longer to catch up. It will eventually, but when you have committed time, energy, love and support to another person for that long, it’s hard to just turn that off. You will heal, but it usually takes more time than we want. Be patient with the process.

You Can Do It

So when you ask yourself, “How do I get over a divorce?” Remember that getting over divorce is completely up to you. It’s your future and you determine what it will be. And that’s a really good thing because you have the chance to make your life amazing and wonderful and every other glorious thing you can think of!

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About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.


  1. Jim May 27, 2012 at 2:35 am - Reply

    There’s a rule of taking one month out from daintg for every year you were in a relationship after that relationship breaks up. If you were married for 8 years and dated for a year before that, take 9 months off from daintg. The reason behind this is that you need to get some perspective about who you are beyond a relationship and to heal the aches. If you start daintg too soon, you risk having the anger toward your ex bubble out inappropriately to your next date and that doesn’t give yourself, or the new guy a decent chance.Take the time to do a postmortem (an examination of the dead relationship) and figure out how to come to peace with the issues and be honest with yourself about your part in the failure of the marriage. Even if he was an abusive loser there are things you could have done better, like not choosing an abusive loser. This helps you prepare yourself to do better in your next relationship.Also take time to tend to your children. Divorce is hard on children and going through men in their lives only makes it harder. This is an opportunity to show your children a healthy lifestyle can be had without a partner and how to make mature decisions for the next partner in your life. But please think of your children and tread cautiously when it comes to daintg, they’re going through a lot as it is.If those prospects are worthwhile they will wait or check back with you later. If you’re not ready there’s no reason to push it because they seem nice. You need time to heal and care for your kids in this transition. If you’re worth it to them, they’ll wait or work on developing a friendship. It’s not too early to develop platonic friendships (that could develop into a relationship down the line) but be strong about taking your time. You deserve that. Reply

  2. Charles November 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm - Reply

    I think the time for acceptance and moving on will greatly depend on each person. I’ve been divorced for 18 months and was married 13 years, + 2 of dating. I have to have frequent contact with my ex due to our kids and shared custody. I have the most difficult time waffling between “I’d never want to be in a relationship with that kind of person again”, and “I wish things were the same as they were before when we were still married – except, I wish she didn’t act in certain ways”. Therein lies the problem; she DID act in those ways and I found myself trying to do everything I could to NOT have her act in those ways, as if I could finally get her to be who she wasn’t (controlling things beyond my control). I guess it’s probably the same for a lot of people. “If my ex wasn’t (abusive, an alcoholic, promiscuous, etc.), then we could have a great relationship” must go through a lot of people’s heads. The reality is that they were/are that way. More than likely, it was an unhealthy relationship, complicated with children that continue to bond you to your ex.

    Anytime I’ve dreamed about having what I really wanted (my ex back, without the problematic behavior), I have to remember that if they hadn’t changed in all the years we were married, there’s no way that they’d change now. That dream of a “perfect relationship”, where the ex didn’t act in ways that caused so much pain, is a stubborn dream. But it’s not reality. Accepting reality is hard sometimes, although it’s necessary.

    • Suzy November 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm - Reply

      Yes, hope always dies hard. We keep hoping that somehow things will be different going forward. However, I’ve learned that past behavior usually predicts future behavior. I, too, had to let go of the dream. I will tell you, though, that the reality of a new life with people I respect and respect me is worth all of the pain and suffering of the divorce. That pain of divorce does end. The pain of staying with a person who doesn’t change does not.

    • joseph February 1, 2017 at 5:58 am - Reply

      Revenge Your Ex
      Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on. Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like “Get Revenge On Your Ex” for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.
      So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting nude photos of her and so on.
      The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your
      life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers, past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It’s much better to show you are indifferent and don’t care.

      According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes helping men find young beautiful foreign women, “The best revenge is to date or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier or more successful.

      I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
      Russia.” says Agee, “The client told me that two days on our tour was better than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.
      I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100 pounds. I don’t look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person who saved me from my ex and years of suffering.” This is the best a revenge when you win without lowering yourself. Other sites like “Get Over Her Now” give practical advice and tips for getting over a past relationship.
      Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:
      Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old, young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
      opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
      environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.
      Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise. Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your confidence.
      Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don’t let a break up effect your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence and help attract better quality women.
      Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel depressed, don’t sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do something that will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Take a class, go hiking, fix something you’ve been putting off.

      Don’t start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your life. Don’t drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating something, don’t drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.
      Don’t sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be depressed.

      Don’t binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
      and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
      attracted to.

      Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!

      • Kathleen February 15, 2019 at 2:37 pm - Reply

        This seems to be a very generalizing statement from one person’s perspective and does not seem healthy in my opinion.

      • Will May 11, 2019 at 11:51 am - Reply

        Excellent advise.

    • Rachael September 24, 2017 at 1:48 pm - Reply

      an old reply for a site ive just found but thank you, your reply has so helped me today . complete logic in a world of emotional chaos.

    • Mark March 9, 2018 at 7:00 pm - Reply

      Charles, you nailed it! Unfortunately for some men we have to write a check every month to remind us of the pain.

  3. Alice February 4, 2013 at 3:35 pm - Reply

    It is great to read all of your experiences. I have been married for 12 years, dating for 5 to a husband I love with 1 9 year old daughter. We recently moved overseas to join my husband who announced he wanted a divorce and a new and better life without me. After 4 months of crying non stop, he has moved out, I contain my crying to the hours while my daughter is in school. I cannot recognize myself – I was thriving before we arrived in a great job – the best in my career so far in a city I loved with family and friends near by. My daughter loved her school, had loads of friends and we were happy. We stayed on longer and let my husband go forward to the new posting without us so I could get a few extra months in my role and to allow my daughter to finish the school year. We were likely not to move back to a place that had become home. But my husband never wanted to start our new life in a new country (a challenging one at that – on his own). I was also the driver in the choice of location. Ultimately this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sadly after struggling with some issues since our last move he simply – as he says – snapped. I have been mulling over the words – “I have made my decision.” over and over again. A mere 3 months ago he had not “gone over the line” – surely this decision is reversible? We are technically separated at the moment. He moved out 2 weeks ago. I am not yet in a new job having lost 4 months of my life crying and trying to work out whether I will remain where we are in a new community with no family and only new friends – or go back to somewhere familiar with family or friends or go to somewhere new for a fresh start. All divorce proceedings are on hold. My daughter is very upset, shows no emotions to him, and peppers me with questions and her frightening journal entries which leave me sobbing until 3 am in the bathroom to minimize how much emotion I expose her to… it seems completely unjust that this is not my choice and yet I am dealing with the brunt of my child’s pain. She has worked out that this is not mutual. He calls every day – to speak to both me and my daughter. At this stage I must admit that I am hoping that we can reconcile, floored that he has moved out – still honestly in disbelief that he has moved out. I am trying to do the good work of building the life I want to create for my daughter without him – but I don’t get very far. I know it will take some time. However, we are in close contact and he comes to my counseling sessions for joint work. I believe he is only there to obtain an amicable divorce and to get the elements of his separation plan that he needs with the counsellour acting as a mediator of sorts – but the sessions are genuinely improving our communication and bringing some resolution and healing – and he keeps coming back. I am trying not to hope but just to be positive for the sake of our daughter. But I am worried that I am risking not moving on fast enough. I am confused about how much time we should spend together on the one hand wanting this time. It is early stages with a possibility that we work out our issues – and I know that this is a chance I should take for me , for us and for our daughter. But I am uncertain how long I should engage in this. I have decided that until I can figure out what I would ideally want to do in a life without him – then I can spend some time in this – but once I am closer to knowing – I could check in and then if there is no shift over this period – just move on. Any advice welcome – sorry for the long post – I am so sad…

    • Sylvia May 9, 2015 at 6:49 am - Reply

      I’m so sorry, Alice. I know you wrote this a couple years ago, and probably won’t see my response, but your post really touched me. I hope that you were able to change tack and navigate back to the path that you (personally) were on. Your daughter will be OK. All the work you put into trying to fix things will pay off, not for the marriage, but for you. Ultimately, you’ll have no doubts. You are the one who could maintain love, and who tried when you encountered a crisis. He could not (would not). You still have you. He is stuck with himself, and frankly, he sounds pretty lost. Learn from it and let the right one in next time. I hope that things are going well for you now and in the future.

  4. mary March 4, 2013 at 8:08 pm - Reply

    Please don’t dwell, there is more to life than divorce.l was married 15 yrs, dated for 4 yrs prior to that. I’m hurting so much & we have a daughter ,she’s.only 6. I’m muddling through, I know how she fees. Keep your head up.

    • Mark March 9, 2018 at 7:06 pm - Reply

      Fortunately women only have to get over the pain. Men have to get over the pain and pay alimony.

      • kelly June 22, 2018 at 7:39 pm - Reply

        Mark- men aren’t the only ones who have to pay alimony.

  5. Alana September 13, 2014 at 2:41 am - Reply

    I was married for 5 years together for 8 altogether and we’ve been separated for 3 and a half. This may seem ridiculous to some but I cannot get over my ex and what we had. We were both at fault, no affairs but stubborn attitudes and alcohol abuse. We were young, I am 30 now and I realise we were much too young to get married. Looking back I think we loved each other too much. Too much to understand how to channel it in the right ways. The first year and a half we broke up I was in turmoil, I was drinking all the time, my heart was breaking, I didn’t care if I lived or died. I goy clean and I haven’t drank in 2 years now so i am seeing things a lot more clearly. I regret so much that I have done and it’s killing me. He is now with my ex best friend and they are living in our marital home that I still own. The pain of this divorce is breaking my spirit and I will never be the same again. I just want to go back to when we were happy, excited about the world and the life that lay before us, before we ruined it. No one will ever come close to my ex and I will never love anyone the way i love(d) him. he is my soul mate and he is gone. This hurts so much…. Sorry about the rant but I needed an outlet.

    • Brian October 24, 2014 at 2:15 am - Reply

      I know how you feel. Was married for 12 years. She left me July 21st 2014. Words can’t describe the pain. Alone, depressed, guilty, hopeless and so on. There was no cheating, but I drank a lot and we had nasty fights and would say mean things. I feel like I’m shattered and will never get over this, ever. I would fight to quit drinking basically our whole marriage. Now I’m drinking at least an 18 pack a day. We have three small girls and it tears me apart thinking of another man with my kids. The only thing keeping me alive is my girls. I wish I would get a truck. I don’t wanna go through years of unbearable pain. I can’t eat and drink myself to sleep. Then nightmares every night. Keep thinking she’s out with another man while I’m reading divorce forums. I had a thriving biz that now is in trouble of bankrupt. Can’t afford our house by myself. The idea of moving soon is frightening. How and the hell can I move when I can’t get out of bed? I feel the end of everything I worked so hard for is all coming to an end and my life is shattered. There’s my rant.

      • ken January 5, 2015 at 9:42 pm - Reply

        Stop your drinking now, get help from A.A and reach out for help.Those three simple things done A.S.A.P.will start you on a better life than you ever had before……….Good luck!

        • Dave January 27, 2016 at 5:38 am - Reply

          Ken, I am with you with your response. I have had a 25 year marriage with best woman I ever met. 2 children, girls in their late teens. My drinking became the “elephant in the room” but my wife never shared her true feelings. I actually never saw tears from her for at least 10 years of knowing her – a warning to men. My drinking progressed, of course as it does, while maintaining a success as provider. Please don’t take this wrong but my income was always over 500k per year with many over 7 figures. Money will never buy any happiness. If you have addiction/alcoholism, the only hope is AA. If required go to a treatment center to get your start., but it is not the means to the end. Many family will believe that it is but it is just a start. I am sober and wish I had known the answer 4 years ago.

          • allen March 20, 2017 at 1:14 am

            Dave very much appreciate your post. You brought to light a problem that is huge. The way we fall into traps and trap ourselves in a bad habit and before you know it our life is changed and changed for the worse. We have hurt our loved ones and hurt ourselves. I have been really wanting to get with others that have had these bad experiences and share them with others to hopefully help someone and help save their marriage and pain that goes along with divorce when it is possible to save the marriage. Your post struck a cord with me and touched my heart and felt God saying reach out to this person and do something great for others. I’m looking at different concepts and ideas of how could i and others that believe in the same cause, build and construct a program or speaking conference or even website that would help others when they need it. To help reach those people who are in the trap of escaping with vices, alcohol for example. Like I stated, how can we help those who need help, how can we who have been through this type of experience use that experience to help someone who is in need. Please feel free to contact me if you are interested in talking. My name is Allen and my cell number is 214-886-1103

      • Hgf June 28, 2018 at 9:53 pm - Reply

        How are you now

    • Pam January 8, 2015 at 6:06 am - Reply

      Hi, it’s been a few months since this thread started but I wonder what I should do. feel I also will never recover. The grief has been so bad for so long I wonder how much longer I can last. I was divorced in 2008. I miss him; he was my life and we have four children together. I went through something that led me to divorce him. I was grasping at straws because I couldn’t find the source of my misery at that time. I was very wrong because I know now that it’s me; I have issues that I need to continually work on, but the addition to my work is the fact that I also have such a hard time running my home alone. I have so much trouble concentrating.

      I think pain is a part of life but suffering is optional. I’ve heard that said. Suffering means we are not accepting the painful aspects of life and feeling them. I’m better today than in 2009 but sometimes, this inside gaping infected wound opens up and it tears me to pieces. My ex has been married over a year now. I made such a big mistake. I think the solution is spiritual somehow.

      • Kendra October 21, 2015 at 2:52 pm - Reply

        My ex husband just got engaged and it is killing me….what is sad is I am already remarried but can’t get over the ex but I think it is jealousy…i used to beg him to do things with me and he never would but now he does everything with the new woman…breaks my heart.

        • Debbie January 23, 2016 at 12:46 am - Reply

          I am in the same situation. Do not think for a minute, that it was you, because it’s not. He is the one who has the problem not you, and he will see, eventually, that he messed up, but it will take some time. The grass is never greener.

        • Janey January 29, 2016 at 7:43 am - Reply

          I know how you feel I was with my ex for nearly 4 years we both children but not together, we didn’t live together but we were always looking at houses he said we’d get engaged but it never happened I loved him with all my heart he was my one. I was so loving I tried so hard I would have done anything for him. Then he finished with my over the phone saying we’ve reached our thing and he isn’t in love anymore. Well it has been 14 months and he’s in his 2nd relationship since me playing happy families with a girl who has a baby professing his love for her on Facebook with lots of photos of them and him and her baby. He didn’t even say goodbye to my 2 daughters. He refused to be friends with me on Facebook too saying it causes problems and doesn’t want tagging in photos etc never had a photo of us on there but he has of them I can’t understand how he can be so different with her I feel like he has so much more respect for her it’s awful I’m sure they will bestride before long and that will kill me. But ultimately iv learned it’s my self esteem and self worth that is the problem I have to love myself and know I’m worth more

          • Vlahov June 18, 2016 at 3:06 pm

            I was married for 24 years and dated for 4 before that.
            I have 4 amazing children. He divorced me out of the blue while I was sick in hospital.
            I was a stay at home mum.
            I now believe i have failed my children. I feel like I am letting them down and am no longer a good influence on them.
            That Was my life and now it is over.
            It has been 3 years since divorce and i am longing and counting the days for this life to be done…. i pray for it to be over

  6. Tony September 20, 2014 at 1:44 am - Reply

    Married 18 years plus dated for 3. Wife divorced me. Everything was finalized this week. She is everything to me. I don’t know how, if, or when I will ever get over losing my best friend. I don’t know what to do

    • Pam January 8, 2015 at 6:10 am - Reply

      That is how I feel and I was the one who stupidly filed. My ex said that and he met his wife a year after we were divorced. I figured out my issues were triggered from childhood abuse and I was running from the marriage because the pain was so intense I had to create chaos and change and self harm and stuff. I cna’t believe I was unable to learn what was driving all of it until after he met his wife. I was just getting ready to ask him if he would want to reconcile. I’m sorry you are going through so much pain.

      It does get easier but not easy.

    • Billie January 14, 2015 at 6:52 am - Reply

      I was married 19 yrs. we dated three. I trusted 100 percent. I was devastated. I literally did not see it coming. He worked an extra job because he wanted to. The extra money did help. Now I think about it to myself how much work did he actually do. We have two boys. They had a hard time with it. Before the divorce was signed. He would drive his girlfriends car to our house to pick up the boys. He was getting them every other weekend. My oldest refused to go with him. He blamed me. It’s all done and over. Our life has moved on. I try to forget about it. I don’t love him anymore. I don’t feel anything. It did take awhile to get to that point. A lot of gut wrenching pain as a matter of fact. I never thought I could stop loving him, but I did. He caused me so much pain and the boys so much pain, and all he could think about is himself. We had to sell our home in order for him to get his portion from it. So I had to leave my home that I had and where my boys grew up. That was another loss. Talk about mean. He’s mean. I don’t talk about him. I don’t want to think about him. He constantly talks about me. I know other people tell me. He goes by to see if I am working etc. I don’t understand it. During this time I lost both my parents. That was another big loss (two). It’s been hard to say the least. With all the hurt and deep pain he caused I can say I do not want him or love him. I do whatever it takes so I won’t run into him. Not seeing him helps. I just don’t get why I did not see it. It was there, but at the time I thought nothing is perfect and let it go. I was happy. I think being with him for a long time. And trusting him so much made it harder for me. I will say it again. It’s the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I don’t want to hate him. I have let it go. I hope you can get past it to. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

      • Mary June 23, 2016 at 10:11 am - Reply

        I was married for 18 years. My husband was/is very emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive to me for the first 16 years. He is 10years older than me. I am the bread earner. Although he recently gained full employment. While he took my maternity leave and worked 12 years part-time as a nurse. I have felt ugly, stupid, and unworthy of love for most of the marriage due to his abuse. Year 16 we had another very loud and scary fights, he hit on my daughter’s baby sitters,and kept calling his high school girlfriend. He would often call me expletives in public. I am a nurse with a Master’s degree, he is an RN. I wrote most of his papers for school. I paid for everything while he told me how dumb I was for anything that I purchased and would not let me leave from our tiny 2 bedroom home with our daughter. I was isolated from family and friends. He never helped me with anything in the house or with my daughter and claimed he did “outside work.” We live in the North East part of the US, where it is winter about 7 months of the year. I had a restraining order 2 years ago. I should have left then. Forgave him, let him back in and he has since coached my daughter on what to say when asked what does Daddy talk to you about. She is 7 and answers “I have a bad memory.” When asked if Daddy told her to keep secrets, she bursts out in tears and won’t say anything. She has started to masterbate 2 months ago. I told our marriage therapist, who brushed it off as “kids do that.” Her father always wanted to be alone with her. We were in marriage therapy for1.8months to “work on our marriage.” We had seen prior marriage therapist during the marriage. We had another huge fight, many in the middle of the 2 years and the 16 years prior. I received a 2nd restraining order and let the police know about my concerns about “Daddy” and his “Daddy time” and always having my daughter on his lap and locking me out of rooms so he could be alone with her. Police called Children’s services but he refused to leave the house and did not have to leave as I was not physically beaten or threatened with a weapon. I was allowed to leave with my daughter. I have since found out the he has been recording all of our fights which he instigated, harassed me by not allowing me to sleep, but I am sure that he did not record what he said prior. Child protective services are involved. My daughter now has nightmares and constant stomach aches. She is acting out when she never did before. I feel like crap. I hope Child Protection does not find anything, but he has lied for so long and been so secretive. I do think he has been touching and grooming my daughter for is own pleasure. He is scary. I do believe he might try to kill me. He is a sociopath. I have never been sexually or physically abused. How did I pick this monster? Divorce is filed. I hope my daughter, parents, and I survive this. I am in my early 40’s.

  7. saliha November 9, 2014 at 1:25 pm - Reply

    Was married for 9 yrs to the most amazing man,1 year before we got married.we knoe each other a total of 10 yrs.he left me for another from his work place.its only been 4 months since we we seprated an 2 months since he filed for divorce.we don’t have any kids.this lady he as has a child from another man,An his parents an siblings are supporting him an sayin I was a bad wife.his feedin them lies abt me an that I was abusing him for the 9 yrs.I am so confussed an miss him so much.we did every thing together.we were best friends .I still love him so much.ples help me.I’m so confussed.I want to move on with my life.I think abt him all the nite I go to bed cryin thinkin if him.when I think of him with the other women holding her touching her I get so angry an upset an get anxity attacks.I miss his touch.ples help me

  8. Roger December 7, 2014 at 12:30 am - Reply

    i was married to the girl of my dreams. The problem TRUST Her friends were all cheaters or married to cheaters. Every talk we had always turned into a conversation about cheating. I removed all cheating friends from my life and told her that we should surround ourselves with others in happy strong relationships. Not drama filled soap operas. Even though we worked together and all of my time was accounted for, and she had access to my computer and cell phone history, she would throw huge fits and say that all her friends told her I was cheating. WHEN? HOW? WITH WHO? No amount of truth, common sense, or oaths of fidelity could satisfy her. She ended up cheating on me, and I was heartbroken. I just can’t get past it. Every day I want her back. When I speak to her on the phone my heart races. I’m making a decision right now to get over it. We have been divorced for a year. I know, I’m a slow learner holding on to false dreams, but I didn’t get into this to fail. Someone, bop me on the head and wake me up to reality!

    • Tom May 3, 2015 at 7:19 pm - Reply

      I’m sorry for all the pain you carry, but you must have contact with this person anymore. Start with 30 days, and then see what happens.
      My ex (I was married for 21 years) cheated on me, and as long as I lived in that house (we had a 16 year old son home at the time) and had to speak to her, I was (in her mind) the cause of all her problems. It was horrible, and even her BF chimed in: Called me at work, called me names…. Trust me, it was the lowest of lows.
      However, I found a place to live, got out ASAP, and within two months she took all that super critical attention out on her BF. I refused to speak to her, answer texts, voicemail, email unless it had something to do with our son. Even then, I had few words.
      I never thought she was capable of cheating, and I was positive she would never turn back. She never apologized, to took responsibility for her actions, but she did want to call off the divorce at the last minute. All the reasons she gave me BTW had to do with her, her feelings, her emotions…… Nothing to do with me, so I just signed the papers and it was over.
      It’s not you friend, but you have to distance yourself from her to see what’s going on within you.

      No contact is a good first step, and the best way to take back your power. Not a cure all, and it will be super hard, but what the hell are you going to do for the rest of your life? Chase her around? You’ll figure it out, and it will get better friend.

      Hang in there.


      • Alan July 9, 2015 at 3:19 pm - Reply

        Tom, thank you for writing your story. I seriously identify with it right now, and I am now more resolved to take the steps you suggested for healing.

  9. Karen December 8, 2014 at 1:18 am - Reply

    So glad I find this website. My husband of 31 years (we dated 3 years before marrying) has had 2 affairs that I know of. It has literally destroyed me. His is the only man I have ever know, been with him since I was 17. He keeps wanting to help me and be there whenever I need something. After reading some of the articles on here, I know that has to stop. I have scared to death. He has always been there and I don’t know how to live life without him. I have never been on my own. I moved out of my parents house into our house the day we got married. I feel I have no self worth or respect for myself. I have even thought about committing suicide. Any advice would be helpful.

    • Billie January 14, 2015 at 7:06 am - Reply

      Karen I am so sorry for all this pain that you are enduring. I was with my husband for 18 yrs. We dated 3. I was in total shock when he wanted to leave. That was the deepest pain I have ever known. I never seen it coming. The signs were there. I just thought nothing is perfect and let it go. He left me for a woman that was married to his cousin at one time( that’s embarrassing). She has a child with my ex’s cousin . So now that child is his stepdaughter and cousin all in one. Some people feel it’s okay. I don’t. During this process I lost both of my parents, had to sell my home, so he could get his portion. We lived in that house for 17 yrs. she has been married four times lived with three. I kept saying over and over why? I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It does get better. It’s going to take a while, but In order to heal you have to get it out of you. That means there is going to be a lot of crying. It hurts I know., but joy does come in the morning. Be strong you can do this. You are worth more than what your going through. Take care. Be strong.

    • Nicole December 27, 2016 at 6:28 pm - Reply

      Hi. I just came across this website. I identify with your story. I was wondering how you are now? My husband left me for a coworker. We’re were together for 27 years. Since we were 15. Married for 20. I am devastated, sick, and lost. Everyone thought we were the fairytale. He calls and texts her constantly. That should be me. He was so loving at home. Even up to the day he left. He kissed me goodbye and later that day I came across some information about a hotel room and that was it. He told me he didn’t want to be married anymore. I just can’t get passed this.

      • Beenthere February 4, 2017 at 2:14 pm - Reply

        Please go to chumplady. It will help so much. You are worth more than this!!

  10. Dima December 11, 2014 at 9:15 am - Reply

    We got separated September 1st. She left after I confronted her about cheating again. This would be her third time since we dated/got married. Dated for almost 2 years. Married for 3.5 years. We have one beautiful son together. After realizing that the one person you gave your entire being too betrays you, your life spins out of control. I had serious issues with trusting her after the first time she cheated. The second time just made me feel stupid and dumb for letting myself get so attached to her. There was zero trust after she cheated the second time. She expected me to just move on and trust her again. It was a cyclone of arguments. We were both young. I know there was something that was definitely real in the beginning. But the proud young age just fulled our fire. Now I’m just getting through it. Living day by day. My son helps so much with getting and moving forward. Friends help too. I began seeing a woman lately. She is a real someone. Someone I can talk to and she listens. I feel like she understands and genuinely listens and cares. Only the future will tell what this will lead too. I hope to something better and different.

  11. Susan December 23, 2014 at 8:34 pm - Reply

    I too was left on December 13,2014… He has lied almost from the beginning about not being involved with a woman who he works with. I trusted him, I let him do things he wanted to do alone more often than not. I suffered the loss of my dad, my best friend and no support from him in the years prior to his leaving and during.
    He is now living with her in her beautiful home while our home is on the verge of foreclosure. I journal every night, see a therapist and attend divorce care meetings yet I can;t stop asking the same questions over and over again.. WHY??? Wasn’t 15 years worth working on? How can he start a new relationship already. It has only been a year since he left and no papers have been filed. It kills me to think that our daughter will be in a new family that doesn’t include her whole family now. This is my second divorce and I had the same issues the first time around, only feeling I was over it when I met my current estranged spouse. I feel lost, unworthy and sad. I get angry and want to beat them both but I know I would never. This is so hard….

    • Joe July 15, 2015 at 12:57 pm - Reply

      “This is so hard” That’s what she said!

  12. Lisa December 29, 2014 at 2:36 am - Reply

    Married 12 years dated 2 years. I do the whole “if I just did better so he wasn’t abusive we could still be together”. I wish I could stop thinking about him. He had a girlfriend before we were divorced and she’s now living with him and MY SON. It kills me. It’s been a year since I moved out and 9 since the divorce was final. I wish for my family back at least once a day still.

  13. Dina Johnson December 30, 2014 at 6:58 am - Reply

    I understand and have been where all of you are. It feels like you are stuck in sorrow, like quicksand. In some ways, I am still going through the hurt of the loss my marriage, but as my 19 year old son told me this weekend, “You did everything you could, Mom. It’s ok to move on.” I held on for 22 months praying for my husband. Surrounded by Christian friends who told me, “You have biblical grounds to leave him,” yet I kept reminded myself of the scripture Mark 10:4-5 where Jesus says that God allows divorce based on adultery because he knew our hearts would be hard. He knows us well. Our hearts so easily become hardened when we are betrayed in that way. I had to tap into more humility than I knew I had in order to try to pursue my husband’s heart after he left. Any strength I had, I found in the Lord. Suzy Brown is absolutely right on track. The longest stage for me was accepting that my future was not going to include the man I married and was committed to. Commitment is something that must be mutual.

    • Beckie January 25, 2015 at 4:07 pm - Reply

      Dina, thinking about your comment on what Jesus said about hardened hearts. Yes, when we are betrayed our hearts are hardened. But I believe that the hardened hearts that Jesus is referring to are of the betrayer s, not the betrayed. Their hearts grow cold and hard and choose to divorce instead of humbly working it out. I don’t believe he is taking about the heart of the victim, the one who chooses divorce because of their spouse’s adultery. I think he “allows” divorce based on adultery because he knows how difficult it is to trust again–not impossible but so difficult sometimes, especially after repeated betrayal. Also, dear sister, your husband was the one who should have humbled himself and pursued YOU! You were betrayed, which is humbling enough, then you humbled yourself again and pursued him. I only say theses things because I did the same thing. I needed to humble myself and look at what I needed to work on in my life, but I should have let him pursue me, win me back. I think I only fueled his disrespect and possible resentment. Take care of your heart–if it is hard it is because it has been broken.

      • Katonia May 9, 2015 at 7:11 am - Reply

        Thank you, Beckie.

      • allen March 20, 2017 at 1:36 am - Reply

        I read your post on midlifedivorcerecovery and was touched at what your said. You infromation on a broken and harden heart was very informative and wish i could learn more from a woman perspective that has been through this adversity. I am one who is holding on for hope and leaning on Christ every second of everyday and i just have to ask myself, “is there hope”, “will the changes God has made in my life be noticed and soften her heart. Or is it simply just to late. We don’t communicate much and so it is very hard for me to understand or know where she is emotionally at this point. Any advice would help and open to listening so I can learn as much as I can to give this a chance for restoration.I pray that Gods will be done, whatever that may be. Also learning to surrender all to God for Him to decide on the path I should take. For some reason He has brought me here and hopefully I can receive some good sound Christian advice to do the right things that will result in restoration in my relationship with God and then with significant other. I have wronged people that I loved and I pray i can regain their trust back with Gods help. Please feel free to reach out if you think you could help with some solid advice.
        Allen (214)886-1103

        • Christina January 28, 2018 at 7:30 pm - Reply

          I really related to what you wrote thank you for shareing.

  14. caroline January 18, 2015 at 6:28 pm - Reply

    My husband left again for the last time on Jan 7, 2015. We have been married for 28 years. He left for another woman, the third since 1996 that I know of. I know it’s for the best, but it’s still painful. We have two children 27 and 25 yrs old and a grandson who is 7. Our life was never stable because of his affairs. I just wanted to believe that he would never do it again. He did and every time he left it was without warning. I never want to feel that feeling of wondering when or if he’ll leave when I walk out the door to go to work. I’m ready for a better life.

  15. Barb February 12, 2015 at 5:51 pm - Reply

    Married for 37 years, had dated for 4. He left me a year ago. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. I have a good job, I have some good friends that I do things with and have fun when I’m with them, I have joined a choir because I love singing, I exercise regularly, I take care of my house, I’m making the financial plans I need to in order to retire in 3 years. But… I come home to an empty house, cook dinner for one, eat alone and have no one to talk to most evenings. I still miss him and I still cry almost every day. I have no desire to date anyone else. I don’t know how or when the hurting will stop.

    • sara February 17, 2015 at 4:04 am - Reply

      Hi actually I just read your post and I can identify with what you’re saying I feel exactly the same I’m doing what I’m supposed to do but that feels like the easy stuff… doesn’t it? I’m sure we will get there in the end I did hear from one divorced woman that nothing felt right until everything was sorted and she turned the key in her own front door

    • Cindy Marie March 26, 2016 at 11:18 pm - Reply

      I have been divorced for four and a half years and sometimes it is still hard. He cheated with the neighbor and then moved out and in with her. She was a few years older than my 30 year old daughter. I was 51 at the time ivwas blind sighted that we were getting a divorce. I think when you are in your fifties or sixties it is more difficult the betrayal is deeper. You were getting toward the good years. You thought your life was planned with your partner. The pain was huge then. I still find myself occasionally thinking of something we enjoyed doing together and I will still ask myself why? What happened?
      I still have not dated but plan to try it this summer. I am happy now and fulfilled with my job and friends but will always miss the male companionship.
      I hope things have gotten better for you and wish you faster recovery than I experienced.

    • Sr January 3, 2017 at 6:16 am - Reply

      I am so sorry, Barb. It has been almost one year now, and I hope you are doing better. Good for you, doing the things you love. She told me last February that it was over, has been sleeping in the downstairs bedroom since about October. We start mediation in about one week. I thought she might come around–thing is, though, I know I could do better without her (with or without another person). She just likes to control things, and didn’t allow “us” to work on it. Just had secret friends on fb, got advice from lots of people but not me. But truthfully she was never warm. But, while I don’t have all the years of marriage you had (16 here), in some ways she is all I know. I fear the unknown, the financial situation, having to give her so much, and only seeing the kids every other week. She chose to split up this family, but her only regret (if she has any) is having kids that she’s done this to–but she was too blind to go along with me when I asked her to get help with me. Saying “I’m trying” simply isn’t enough. Wives: get off fb, notice your husband is lonely, don’t disparage him that, and LOVE him; save that marriage!

  16. sara February 17, 2015 at 3:53 am - Reply

    Hi , I’m separated coming up on a year. I found my husband arranging to meet a prostitute last March. Initially I felt sad for him (after the initial shock) i thought he must have felt so lonely. I suppose what I find hard is that my husband had obviously left me before I knew it ie before he moved out….. We were married 17 years and dating for 3 before that. I’m trying to take control of my life ….. I’m back at university ( I will have to go back to work) and I got first class honours in the winter exams which is good. I set myself goals to run a half marathon in June and get first class honours but I’m tired from trying…. I suppose when will I feel normal and at peace again…. I don’t see my husband… I feel any interaction with him throws me off balance…. we have three little girls and somebody else does the handover s etc. I feel really sad and I miss him. He is the only man I’ve ever been with and I can’t imagine being with another …. yet I don’t want to never have that again … but I also wonder what is love now…. if it can bend and change so easily… I know with my siblings and parents at home we could have all have rows and irritate each other but when any of us have a problem we are there for each other no matter what…. nobody would ever be thrown out of our family, we understand that we will all have off days and bad times but at the end if the day we are there for eachother!! I also wonder if because I was never with any one else could it be better with someone else but I don’t have anything to compare to ? And yet I think it could be hard to trust somebody else…. but maybe baby steps? ? Right now as I say I’d just like to feel at peace and for it not to be such hard work but how long will that take?

  17. ben April 22, 2015 at 4:26 pm - Reply

    I got my ex pregnant. She was too young. 19. I was nine years older. She got pregnant on purpose. Stopped taking birth control. Didn’t tell me. Ya, it takes two to tango. Anyway, she was an emotional wreck. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity. She was sexually abused as a child. Date raped as a teen and all of it ignored by her idiot parents. Well, I took up the responsibility of raising our family. I dropped everything I was doing and prepared for, You see I had a crap childhood, too,, and I was determined to provide a better life for my own family. To do better than my awful parents. She, too, held this dream. But she couldn’t, or was unable, to take on the responsibility. More children followed. She was a great mom, sometimes, but often fell into despair. She committed credit card fraud routinely. She abused drugs and alcohol and would often times leave our young children alone to party. As you might expect I got pissed. A lot. I was always angry at this woman. Eventually, our marriage, if it ever was one, just got worse and worse. She never stopped lying. A constant. Destroyed my ego as I would try reason, rationalization, begging, hell, I even threatened suicide, to get her to stop undermining our family. She never did. At the end of 20 years of this shit I was a broken man. She was a miserable woman. We hated each other. So she ran off with another guy. For some reason, I freak. Anyway, depression, which I had suffered from for ten years turned to major depression, suicidal thoughts and hospitalization. I even quit my job. It was a terrible break.
    Well, most of these comments speak of a happy honeymoon, etc. We never had any of that. It was, i’m pregnant. So with all of this my suffering is multi faceted. Why did I stay in this marriage? Why did I behave the way I did? Why didn’t I listen to my family who literally screamed at me to get out? Why? Why? Why?
    Well, asking yourself why is a painful process. You discover your own weaknesses. You realize that you behaved stupidly.
    Anyway, about three years ago she was diagnosed with Bi Polar 1 disorder. Hell, I didn’t even care to investigate what that was. Now I have and boy did it hell to clear a lot of things up. However, the pain is still there. The sense of failure. The humiliation. But it is getting a little better.
    Right now I am trying to get back into the workforce. I am in frequent touch with an old college girl friend and we are moving towards a reunion. So for me, moving forward is simply getting a job, getting out of my buddies house and getting my mind free of the muck of depression. This will take time. However, and I do believe, that the dominating internal dialougue of ‘why’ and the kick in the balls of infidelity, will ultimately subside to a flicker of a memory, as I start to work, gain control over my emotions and yes, reunite with a gal who quite frankly, has the same goals in a relationship as I do.
    I wish all of you going through this pain the best of luck. If you are depressed get up and get help now. This disease robbed me of ten years of my life because I didn’t get treated. So do it. Don’t delay. It can be cured in time.

  18. Lori May 5, 2015 at 12:10 am - Reply

    I was married for 34 years. We were together two years prior to that. We were very happy for twenty years. He got into internet porn and became extremely verbally abusive – kind of all of a sudden. I stayed for fifteen years of pure hell. I have been divorced for five years. He did make an amends of sorts to me. Not by any means complete but probably the best he could do. I told him I forgave him. I still talk to him sometimes. We have two kids and grandkids. He wanted so much to be single and now that he is he is miserable. He dates tons of women on the internet and dumps them after three months because they’re never perfect enough for him. Everyone tells me I’m beautiful and wonderful, yada, yada. My problem is I have so much sadness and sorrow. I feel anguish sometimes that hurts my chest and I feel hopeless at times. Not every second – I do have friends and laugh a lot at times but this sadness has gone on waaaaay to long. I have dated but in all honesty the dating scene for women my age is not encouraging. Men meet too many women on line and get caught up in always wondering what’s around the corner or behind “door number three”. This is just a fact of our times, I’ve had a couple of guys really like me and want to marry me but I felt zero attraction. I don’t know if maybe I am hopelessly broken because of my marriage breaking up and all the good years we did have before he changed. I loved him so much and was a very good wife. I honestly wish I hadn’t gotten divorced. I wish I had gone to Alanon and just accepted things and maybe he would have gotten passed the issued that caused him to be so awful. Stupid – yes I know. I need help. I know I need to accept that I am divorced even though I hate it. The thing that kills me is we could be having the time of our life right now. We would have had plenty of money to travel and enjoy life. This bother my daughter a lot too. He’s always telling her how miserable he is. I was doing the same but I finally got how awful this was for her. God bless her. She’s amazing and I don’t do this anymore. He still does.

  19. Mike September 25, 2015 at 9:20 am - Reply

    Reading through the comments is the most helpful thing for me. I was married for 10 years, divorce coming to an “official” conclusion on October 7th, 2015…2 months away from anniversary time.

    The most painful thing for me is hearing about those that have children involved. I always wished for children, my ex never considered it. I am thankful for this, because going through this is painful enough, that having something so beautiful as a child involved would be truly earth shattering.

    This said, I can strongly relate to, and even feel the consistencies that those with children have gone through and continue to go through. These consistencies include, feeling not just a loss of a best friend/everything really, but feeling lost, period. Feeling of uncertainty of what to do, where to go, how to start a new life. Even thoughts of what is the point with the life now? That very deep down insane pain that seems to be infinite, and incapable of ever possibly leaving the system. The lack of confidence, the difficulty to face the world, the emotional up and down in spite each day is stationary/stagnate/not moving.

    We can read every single self-help book and go see any therapist in the world, have as many friends possible, do all the things we know we should be doing to help the self move through it all, but yet it all seems to be such an impossible task. We have days where we do quite a bit, but we still feel no sense of accomplishment, no sense of worth.

    In spite, it feels like being in an infinite hole, with very little light shining through, we must know something truly important. If we were able to have such a beautiful love, even if it was only for X amount of years or even X amount of moments, we should not only be thankful for this, but we should know, that if we were able to achieve this, there is no reason why we cannot achieve this again. It is not to say that we must find another person and this will be the resolution. It is to say that we all live to love, or at least the people that have responded thus far, obviously wish for love. The important thing is to remember, again, is to remember that we found this love in our ex-wife/husband, and we can and will certainly find it again in another person that will be waiting for us, when we are ready.

    In the time being, we must somehow live through what we have to live through. We cannot solve things overnight. We also cannot simply stimulate the self in ways that only keeps us stuck/fixed in the same place. Maybe we must remain in the same place, inside, for a while, but we must also move this energy forward, and allow this energy to be released, however slowly possible. I truly believe the slower the process, the much more rewarding the next love and best, the self, will feel, in time.

    Please take this time, as an opportunity to work with the self. Do whatever it takes to focus on the self. Do not allow external influences to affect the self. Surely, accept love from friends and family, but know that nothing outside of the self can ever possibly help the self dig its way out of the hole. This is why I say no therapist, self help books, or whatever can do anything for us, because they can be decent tools, but they do not know how we feel as our own individual soul.

    My solution, for everyone, including myself, is to go on a trip, a journey, as far inside the self as is possible. Write down spontaneous feelings, thoughts, no matter how ugly or beautiful or even crazy they may be. Look for consistencies in what we are writing about, what we are feeling. Place the media/social world/etc. mental stimulation out the window…go travel to a spiritual place or just a place that literally has nothing but peace and something you enjoy. I love the ocean, and I will be going to Bali/Indo to surf. I stripped myself of surfing, something I did for most of my life, in order to better be attentive and focused on my ex-relationship. Go to a spiritual place where people do not judge, and people do not do anything but live the life, and are willing to listen, with an open soul. And on this journey/trip, continue to write down what you are experiencing, feeling, and again, keep the focus solely on self, figuring out what exactly self truly is.

    Again, proceed very slowly, and the process of finding self, learning of self, feeling true and real self, will lead to a vastly stronger, vastly more beautiful, and vastly more free/open/divine self. With this self, it will shine to the world, and you will literally have everything you ever wished and dreamed of, because you will live as self is intended to live. And you will continue to learn and continue to focus on self regardless of how much healed you have become. Life is the study of self, and in turn, the ability of self to not only feel beautiful as self, but to attract into the self, beautiful things, and beautiful people.

    Always remember, self knows the answers. And one day, in spite it’s hard to believe, self will feel the most beautiful it can ever possibly feel, if you take the baby steps, and you simply let go slowly…very slowly.

    I am not religious, but I do pray for all of you, and I hope what I have said, will be helpful in some way.

    Peace and love!


    • Susan December 10, 2015 at 5:18 pm - Reply

      I found your comments to be most helpful out of the many I have read. I am going to try this writing down of Spontaneous Thoughts and Feelings, and try to find my Self. I feel like I am on a journey, but it is so difficult at times, I think I will drown. I keep going under and under…barely able to breathe or function. For four years now, I am fighting to survive, and I am So Tired. “I wish I had a River, I could skate away on…”

    • Alunka November 15, 2018 at 11:17 am - Reply

      Hi Mike.
      Something happened when I was reading your comment. Something new and something old and beautiful at the same time- i haven’t felt anything like this before ..until now. Energy shif. Very very small one but big enough to notice and recognise it for what it is.
      It’s just incredible how someone who lives probably on the other side of the planet could have such an effect on the fellow human being!
      Reading all the comments on this platform was quite helpful really. Thank you all. Sharing is good and important- it benefits those who pour out and those who read and can relate, empathise or even help. I’m not even ready to share yet, even on this anonymous space. It’s stuck so much that I can’t even begin to let it out. It’s like i have something down my throat which is choking me and I somehow need to relax just a tiny bit more so I could get it out. I shall share once i’m truly ready. Even this step takes time, it has to be done well- for me and those who read.
      Back to you Mike. 🙂
      You have actually helped me the most thus far. I’m not sure how and why, but closest self-speculation is that you helped me just because I now know that people like you also exist / live on this planet. It’s good knowing that. I wish you to go up the scale of mere exisence to fully living your life (I sense that you are already quite high up that scale! Keep rising! Well done!!), living your full potential. No rush with anything at all. Love has no age, it will find you when you are ready for what your very soul yearns for. To achieve this, you have to know your own soul as deeply as possible and have compassion towards your heart and the heart of the one you can be ready to love and receive love from.
      If I could write what you did in your comment, I would.
      – About the energy, taking time with everything, help which is seemingly available to us but we just can’t benefit from it for so many reasons, etc. The most amusing feeling was reading something I always felt strongly about somewhere in my subcounscious and having all this brought to my conscious mind in an instant. I feel that, if I haven’t read your comment, I would eventually slowly start to realise those things you talked about, sometime in the future, when I’m a little bit more healed. But this is what this whole platform is all about -we share and so much time is saved! Although it takes a lot of time to heal, know that life is short and it’s a human life is a unique opportunity. We want to strike the right balance in everything. Of course, we want to realise things faster than later, so here, quite desperately lost, we help each other as catalysts to healing and recovery. All those unresolved personal dillemas, doubts, something constantly bubbling in subconscious level struggling to see the surface… will find its way out eventually and in good time.
      Thank you all for the sharing.
      I feel as many hands were stretched for me to grab and be pulled out to the other side- to the place of different density, place of fresh air- at last…
      Thank you.
      Just one breath of this new life which I so long for, a glimpse of the truth and the bigger picture- is what I need right now.

  20. bob November 24, 2015 at 11:22 pm - Reply

    It is now 7 months to the day that she left.
    We were from different cultures, different genders and different ages.
    I wasn’t looking for her, when she found me, and she convinced me that we could have have a great marriage, and I wanted to believe, so I did. .
    We were together 13 years. The early years were wonderful beyond description, I walked on air every day.
    As she became more used to this country and this culture, she made her own friends, which she increasingly kept private from me. I worked every day to support our lifestyle, while she pursued her social and extracurricular activities. In the last 4 years she started to have activities most nights of the week, she said she was starting her business and was “networking”. After a long day at work, I would come home to an empty, cold house with no provision for my dinner. She would roll in at 10pm or 11pm, with a story about meeting a customer or a vendor. I became resentful and hurt that I was making all the contributions to our marriage home and bank account, while she was off with people and activities of which I knew nothing. She stopped being mentally intimate with me, and so I had to assume she was sharing the details of her life with someone else, and perhaps more. When I asked her to schedule some activity with me, she was too busy. I became concerned that she might get pregnant with someone else and I would be stuck with child support, and that she would leave me and take my life savings. I gave her an ultimatium to spend more time with me, and she left without a goodbye. The separation is now final, she did get a major part of my savings, and she has a new house and is a rich woman. I am shattered, emotionally wreaked, lonely, and sometimes angry. This was not my first marriage, but I was convinced it would be my last. Now, I am just living each day and waiting for the pain to start receeding. Some days I think I am over it and on a new road, most days I choke up without warning and miss the good times with her. However, I was beginning to see my self as a chump, to be used so completely by someone who took far far far more than she gave, and I know that the marriage was doomed, from the start. I alternate between cataloging her failures, then cataloging mine. The marriage is over, and we both failed the marriage. I hate to give up on any undertaking, but sometimes we have no choices in life. I am trying to learn acceptance and forgiveness. I am trying to have hope in a happy future, and I know that the world will still turn and life will go on, with our without me, Some survey said that the average time to get over a divorce was 17 months. I am going to try to break that record.

  21. Moon December 14, 2015 at 10:05 pm - Reply

    I wish I have something inspirational to say I’m going through hell for the issue that I created all I really need is to focused on my 3 beautiful children but for some reason he kept on popping on my head and my heart start pumping like crazy and it drive me insane how how do I get rid of out of me completely I just wanna be happy with my children that’s all…

  22. Moon December 15, 2015 at 5:07 pm - Reply

    Any advice all this waiting for the papers to finalized the divorce is driving me insane how do I get this over with is there anything I can do to speed up the process I don’t wanna wait anymore I want him out of my life already and just be done with it I want to move on already why is he taking his time! Please any advice this is my 1st time and had no clue what to do nor expect

  23. Beth January 19, 2016 at 11:53 pm - Reply

    Suzy, I just came across your sight and what a great resource! I was married for over 22 years and it took so long to process, heal and move on. I had to learn to be patient and kind to myself, because it takes as long as it takes! Thanks for the great work you are doing.

  24. Elaine February 15, 2016 at 8:55 pm - Reply

    Married 22 years, lived together for 2. Was in an a dysfunctional marrige, with someone who has mental health issues and alcoholic and substance abuse. Our four kids and myself, finally had enough and I saw an attorney. Our lives were a roller coaster of emotions and events that were mentally and emotionally abusive. The attorney filed an Order of Protection and he was escorted from our home by a State officer. This was 6 months ago. Although our lives are better, and more stable, although i find myself feeling depressed and helpless sometimes. Even though I do not love or want my Husband, our divorce is still pending, it upsets me to discover he has met another woman. He caused us so much pain, and it seems as if now he’s enjoying himself with someone else. While the kids and I have to deal with slow divorce proceedings, possibly visitation, they don’t want, and him currently not paying anything towards the minor children’s support.

  25. Jamie March 8, 2016 at 11:18 pm - Reply

    I’m not divorced but that is where it is going, not what I want. He emotionally checked out of the marriage for at least a couple years but a couple weeks ago lclued me in. (in time for our 20th anniversary, how nice). We dated for a year, lived together for 5, will be married for 20 years. Two beautiful children. Just when I wanted to relax and spend more time with him, he turns around with this bombshell. My heart feels like it is going to burst. At least I have a clear conscience I lived my life with care and love for others, even if it was unrequited.

    • Dawn March 26, 2016 at 5:05 am - Reply

      Jamie, I fear I am headed down same road. A divorce I do not want. My husband lost his parents long ago, I was there to pick up the pieces then.. Now his friends are losing their parents and bringing up old bad memories for him. Menopause was no picnic, but neither were the first 5 yrs. I sad cruel things, he said cruel things… No he is rebuilding the wall I tore down 20 yrs ago. I don’t have the energy to break through again. I don’t know what to do but he is slipping away.. He asked me what I wanted from him… I want it all, love trust,passion,best friend,shoulder to cry on. I’ve been seeing a psychologist to get myself right.. But I feel like, what’s the use?? If I don’t get the prize at the end (him), spilling my guts to a stranger seems useless. I’m lost …also have 2 kids.. I talk, my husband listens, nothing changes. I’m so hurt, and scared, and lonely…I refuse to ruin the only good I’ve ever done by screwing up my kids. I think I should just leave… I’m lost…

  26. carla March 10, 2016 at 5:40 am - Reply

    My husband left me on new years eve ,we have been married going on 32 years, I am devastated to say the least I was a stay at home mom who raised 3 kids and when my kids got older and married i babysat my grand husband said he’s been unhappy for the last few years and had feelings for another woman. I feel like my life is over. He has a career, friends, and goes about doing things while I’m home devastated over this.i never really had friends just a few through my husband who were more his friends than mine,. I just feel so alone and unsure of my future financially and emotionaly. What does a 53 year old who hasn’t worked since she was 21 and no future to do?I am so alone night after night, my kids call occasionally but it’s so hard to go from being a couple and doing things together to being alone and single.he says it’s for the best but how do I survive this on all levels?I have to worry about finances and where’s money going to come from,I’m living in a rental home cause we sold our home last year in short sale,my husband seems to be going on like our marriage didn’t mean anything. I know I didnt talk to him and we had a lot of stress on us the last few years but he never once said on me he was unhappy. How do I carry on he was my life

    • Gina May 31, 2016 at 5:29 pm - Reply

      I’m sorry what you’re going through. I am newly divorced and it stinks but at least I do have a pretty good job.. thank God! Have you thought about trying to get alimony? That would help you financially.

      • He cheated!! May 31, 2016 at 5:37 pm - Reply

        I’m sorry what you’re going through. I am newly divorced and it stinks but at least I do have a pretty good job.. thank God! Have you thought about trying to get alimony? That would help you financially.

    • Kate December 12, 2016 at 10:34 am - Reply

      Carla, I’m going through similar situation. I haven’t worked in a long time. I raised my kids and now I’m divorced and trying to find a way to support myself. We had a nice income and I raised our children while he built up his career. I’m in my mid 50s also. I don’t have a large social network. I too feel lonely, devastated, and terrified about the future. I initiated the divorce because we had been living as roommates, and he didn’t seem to want to change. We separated, but then he rushed the divorce proceedings along, I think for financial reasons. He has been emotionally abusive on and off over the years, and we had an unhealthy codependent relationship. I do regret what this has done for our children. Also, I had forgotten how difficult it is to date and find love. I tried to fix the marriage. I don’t think I could have done any more.

  27. india lawyer April 14, 2016 at 6:43 am - Reply

    I think 498a is a serious offence. Anyways, as they say – I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. (Simranjeet Law Associates, Chandigarh).

  28. Randy April 17, 2016 at 4:13 pm - Reply

    My wife and I have been separated now for almost 8 months and it has been very difficult for me to say the least.We had been together for almost 18 years….after a business trip away she came home a different person ..I began to think thoughts that i never ever could believe my best friend was capable of ..upon viewing our phone bill it was confirmed… It felt like someone had reached in and tore my heart out… Since she left me there has been so many lies I can’t even talk with her….. There was a try at reconciliation but it failed…. We have 2 girls and they don’t really understand what is truly going on they just know their dad is very sad…..going to work has been difficult and the hopeless thoughts of future has been none stop…. My best friend as changed like I’ve never witness before …she just wants to get out and meet new men and it’s tearing me apart….I have a good week or two but then have a day that almost wipes away all that I’m gaining in my life. Having sold our house and divided our assets was very difficult pill to swallow but was nothing compared to finding out how she acts when I have the children on her weekends without …. It has tore me up so bad I can barley function at times and the thoughts stop me in my tracks… I have to hide at work to get myself to calm down the anxiety.I will take 50 percent of why this failed … I was the old fashion provider take care of house hold things and save for couple trips a year…busy with kids… Just didn’t see my wife slipping away …..but I do know this in ending a long term realionship you should show your partner respect in leaving as we’ll…..I’m tying to get to 3 weeks with out having a melt down and then maybe a month… I hope every one in these blogs can find some inner peace to help them overcome there hurt and move on

    • Corey April 25, 2016 at 8:31 pm - Reply

      I know how you feel Randy. I think we all tend to look at ourselves and ask ‘What could I have done to prevent this?’ I know I have, and I too felt that if I had been more perceptive I would have seen the change in my wife sooner. The problem is that for a marriage to fail or succeed, it takes two people who are committed. Just because you and I didn’t see the warning signs right away is no excuse for this kind of behavior. I found out my wife had been planning the divorce for over a year, but never once let on to it until she found someone else. This kind of action is what makes this painful process so unbearable. One thing that I feel helps a great deal is just getting it all out. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope things work out for you.

    • danielle May 2, 2016 at 8:53 pm - Reply

      I know how you feel I too am dealing with the same thing my husband of 5.5 years decided he wanted to have an emotional affair with a coworker and we are in the process of divorce not finalized yet..we still live together so i still have to see him everyday most days he dosent come home but Its a hard pill to swallow I have lost weight, cant eat or sleep have a lump in my throat almost daily feel like i cant breathe it feels like death.The only thing i think of is that the pain in divorce ends eventually but staying with a person who dosent change does not. Hope you eventually get some peace.

      God Bless Danielle

  29. Lonely and broken hearted... April 24, 2016 at 7:52 pm - Reply

    My heart has been broken …My boyfriend and I where together for 14 years,he’s oldest children mom drop them off and I open up my two bedroom home for them
    We moved into a bigger home and I soon felt like a single parent to his children, then I got pregnant with our beautiful baby girl. ..he told me up until the da y I had her he didn’t want more children .He’ll it was to late anyway he had a 10 year old son who’s mom said she had cancer so he come to leave with us too,to say I was stressed will be a understatement. .Any way I found out he has been cheating the whole time while I was at home taking care of our family,and dealing with post Portum depression .He has left and hasn’t look back and here I am 4months later living with my sister and trying to figure out what s next with my two girls..

  30. Corey April 25, 2016 at 8:23 pm - Reply

    I’m 26 years old and have been married for 6 years. I have four beautiful children, and found out in November of last year that my wife had been cheating on me. I was devastated, but I wanted to repair my relationship with my wife and prevent losing my family. I was angry about the affair, especially since the man she had been seeing was also part of the Navy, and he knew that her and I were married. After months of trying to fix my relationship, my wife filed for divorce and sole custody, stating that she intended to move out of state with the children and live with her boyfriend. At this point in time we are still going through the divorce proceedings, and I am fighting for joint custody, but I have become so bitter towards her. I don’t speak to her, I spend as little time around her as possible, the only reason she is still in my life is because of my children. I just don’t know how to move forward, knowing that I may lose my kids. I joined the Navy to support my family, stayed in to make sure they were taken care of. Without them, I don’t know what my purpose is anymore…

  31. Randy April 26, 2016 at 3:07 am - Reply

    Thanks for the helpful words Cory …. I hope you get joint custody … I know you have heard this probably as much as I have but time will heal …I know one thing it’s good to talk instead of bottling it up …. All the best as well

  32. Vivian April 30, 2016 at 3:42 am - Reply

    I have been married for 31 years. My husband has been unfaithful 4 times that I know of.
    I finally said enough. I have started the divorce process. He knows I mean it this time. I am letting go of a false dream I had. My husband is very self-centered and has many narcissistic traits. I have stayed with him hoping that he would change. I have a 28 year old daughter who hates her father for what he has done to me, her and to our entire family. The pain everyone in the posts is experiencing is real and yes I feel that it won’t go away any time soon. I am trying to rebuild my life at 62. I am very fortunate because I am supported by incredible family and friends. I am so grateful for that. I just want to feel that I am doing the right thing and that I will be happy again someday.

  33. GG May 13, 2016 at 5:14 am - Reply

    My wife and I are in the process of a divorce now. Married 14 years, together for 18 months before that. We’ve both been incredibly mean to each other over the years. We had basically been apart for 3 or 4 years under the same roof. We either lived in separate bedrooms or on separate levels of the house. At certain points in our marriage we would go months without being intimate (once it was over 14 months). She accused me twice of having affairs (once with a woman in Los Angeles and another time with a woman in new zealand). We live on the east coast so it wasn’t happening.

    Finally, it did end up happening. I did have an affair. I just wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me. I needed to feel something with another person.

    We tried marriage counseling but she lied repeatedly to the counsellor and when I would call her out about it, she’d just dismiss it

    I ended up taking a new job (big promotion, big pay raise) out of town. The day after I left for the new gig, she moved her mom into the house that I paid cash for. After I found out she had liquidated all my stock.options and stole a check made out to me from my father’s estate, I finally filed for divorce. That was the end of the line. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

    She calls daily to complain about everything. Now she’s telling me how she’ll nevery retire and she’s destitute (she’s ending up with over $1 million in assets and a fully paid off house). She’s complaining that the $80k per year in maintemance isnt enough. Blah blah blah.

    I’m so mentally worn down. I feel bad about the affair but feel that I tried everything I could before to make it better. She has a college degree. I offered many times when we were married that she should go to graduate school (she had the time and we had the money). She refused to do it.

    I just want the divorce to be over. I just want to try and move on. Does it get better??

  34. Alta June 9, 2016 at 7:59 pm - Reply

    I have been with my husband for 13 years, we have two beautiful kids. I am thinking of getting a devorse because he has a drug addiction and this morning I woke up once again to find that he never came to bed and left durinv the night. Ive left him so many times and always run back when he begs and cries but i just cant do it anymore. Its breaking me apart because of all the lies that come with drug use. There is apsolutely no more trust. He keeps losing he’s jobs and then I must live with he’s depression and hatred towards everyone and everything. The part that really brakes me is that he was such a wonderful man until he started using 3 years ago. He doesnt think he needs rehab and I just feel that the choice lies with him and so far its only been broken promises and very frustrating. I am just so scared of being alone, we met when I was only 19 and now my life is falling apart because of he’s choices. Sorry just needed to let it out lol

  35. Susan Ashley June 29, 2016 at 4:53 am - Reply

    Never say never. I was never going to be divorced. I was never going to trust him/her again. Just say I did marry him/her. I did love him/her (after ?? years), and I do want him or her to be happy even if I can’t live with them. If you’ve lost yourself along the way: you will be miserable. How did you lose yourself, and really is that all their fault? I think, hardly not.

    It still hurts tremendously to go through a divorce with someone you once loved, probably still do, in some aspect. It’s like a death in the family, may take years to heal. We feel some sick need to punish them for our ego, our hurts. But stop and consider in this process what hurt you may have caused on their behalf and own it. As long as you understand your roll in the relationship

    Even if you where involved with a narcissist, you where involved. You donated your time and energy and love trying to convince somebody: what that you were worth it? Why did you stay at a bad party that long? Why didn’t you assert yourself earlier? Now you have to ask yourself why didn’t I assert myself for my basic needs? For love, for friendship for basic communication without recrimination? Did you feel unworthy if you did not comply to your spouse for their wishes above your own? To heal we must look within, not without. Through divorce we must ask ourselves how we took on this victim role: frankly, in which we participated.

    We are angry, we are hurt, we blame them, and more so ourselves. We should have seen this coming. We tried to fix it. I worked so hard at it, etc., etc., etc. When it’s over, it’s finally over. Love of the close intimate, forever kind dies. Hate does not have to replace it, just cause it hurts. Remember you loved them once.

    Look at yourself. Heal yourself, grieve your loss. Plan your future even if you can’t comprehend it right now. Remember there is life after maybe your best love. Learn, self explore that which you let someone else define for you,(or you let them) for far too long.

    It’s always darkest before the dawn. But the sun will rise, it always does. Be all you can be. Help others, volunteer, become who you are, and you will be loved. Stop acting like if I could only make them love me, cause you can’t make that happen. If you are OK and happy keep that going. It may take more time then you would like to commit to,,,loneliness always feels like an eternity in itself in a week, but it will pass. As I always say, lonely married is much worse than lonely single.

    I am healing myself after a thirty year marriage, now almost final divorce. It’s the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. But I must move on. I can’t lose myself. If I do I’m not suitable for anyone else, today tomorrow or for that matter forever; for if I have lost myself: how can I find anyone else, and what would I have to offer them?

    • Inesa December 28, 2016 at 1:05 pm - Reply

      Thanks very much Susan, I was reading those all post and comparing to my situation and felt sorrier for myself than strong about it. We all contribute to it in any sort way. I’m not blaming him or myself, but I let him go and be happy. Even it is hurtful, and I am alone with three kids, but if I love myself of my kids of him, I need to let it go.
      I wanted him back but also I realized that if we go back together I wouldn’t be any happier and he wouldn’t be happy ever. I know what he has someone to hug and warm bed, but maybe I will have someone one day who wouldn’t run to someone but instead talk and try to find a solution. Thanks Susan 🙂

      • Anonymous November 17, 2018 at 9:33 pm - Reply

        Inesa, i’ve let go, much the same way. I just knew he wouod be happier with her and he is now. Pain was so unbearable that now, after 2 years since this happened, feeling half alive is an achievement. I felt dead for some long time. I felt that I am a ghoast. I loved him for over 10 years since we became a couple, put of which we were married for four years. I’m trying to find myself again as I’m lost. We have a 3 year old son. We live under one roof and hos new wife. She loves our son and wants and feels she has same rights as a mother or father because she is a step mother. That’s fine, I made my peace with it somehow, because the wreck that I am now, maybe it’s good that our baby is being loved by more people and is in safe, loving environment. I don’t know how long i can stay here, since I’m getting used to it, i feel i could do this for yeas on, for as long as needed for our don to grow and thrive knowing he has a family, although an unisual one. Me and my ex husband hardly talk about anything apart from our child, which is good in a way, because it helps me to move on inside and accept the reality that he is no longer my man and never will be (he said it so many times that he is over me, that even if his current wife will die, he won’t come back to me). I still love him in some ways, but not the same.. love him with a broken heart and still care for him and want him to be happy. But to be honest, sometimes I wish he would be with a different woman, who has absolutely nothing to do with our separation. The new wife, although was not physically available to my ex husband up until me and him have agreed to divorce, was emotionally there for him, knowing that this further encaurages his disconnection with me. She says she didn’t do it intentionalky. I just know what love is. All is fair in war and in love, as they say…
        I was his love and soul mate until he found one he connected with better. We both being from different cultires probably didn’t help, although i don’t want to say it’s the readon for the failure of our marriage. We could go on much longer I think or maybe till the end, our love was great, beauriful and I would not want to go back to the day we met and miss that first kiss nor would i not want so re-live those 10 years together. He is a good man, but not for me anymore. He just didn’t want me to be there for him as wife, partner or a lover any longer as he let someone from his country, they have so much more in common that I don’t stand a chance to compare. So I just let him go.

    • kirb marriott June 30, 2017 at 8:42 am - Reply

      Good advice. hard to read this when i was the narcissist, control freak, jealous drugattick. after 35 yrs. i somehow woke up from the other side of fog. I’ve done every thing a husband shouldn’t have done. your last paragraph rang the truest to our story. You made the right decision and a brave future ex wife spoke almost the same to me about her self. i hope everybody gets a chance again to have that feeling love. myself and all men,always respect them, and treat like a date.thank you susan.

  36. sarah June 30, 2016 at 4:24 pm - Reply

    I was married for 12 years and dated for five. It wasn’t until my children turned the ages of 5 and 3 did things really start to not make sense anymore. My husband always had a fascination with porn and watched it regularly. It always made me feel horrible about myself, but I never spoke up about it. One day I was home cleaning and he came in from work and said to me “If you ever want to sleep with someone else go ahead and do it. I would be ok with it. I just want to know”. This floored me. I was a working mother of two girls and not for a second did this cross my mind. I was just trying to get by day to day and keep up with the house, work, etc. I thought “that’s really odd”. After multiple suggestions to me of taking such an action, I started thinking something was wrong with ME because I did not have this desire. A guy I knew began flirting with me HEAVY not long after this. He was married too! This added to my “what’s wrong with me” feeling. WEre all married people sleeping around on each other? I became convinced that was the case,and I was so much better off that I knew that my husband cheated on me because all of my friends were clearly in the dark. I KNEW they were being cheated on too. I made the awful mistake of sleeping with this guy. I mean at the time… Whey the hell not? My husband was telling me too! I felt like a complete, utter disguisting human being. This went against all of my morals. Why and how did I get talked into such sickness? Nonetheless, I did. After confessing the affairs to each other, my husband became intrigued and wanted it to continue. It literally became all that he talked about. WHAT??? Suggestions of me sleeping with his friends??? Long story short, My confidence was completely gone. Why was I not enough for this man that I ve been with for so long? I decided to divorce. I feel like a fool for not speaking up sooner and telling him… this is WRONG… this is ALL WRONG. Why do I blame myself so much? Why did I not speak up?I’ve read scripture to try and make sense of it all. The bible says a woman must submit to her husband, but I don’t think this is what it meant. would love for the confusion, guilt, sadness to go away..

  37. Your New Life After Divorce August 10, 2016 at 2:54 pm - Reply

    […] have been possible before my divorce. That’s all hard to accept when you are in the middle of grieving your losses. But once you get a little farther out, you can start to see the potential in the future instead of […]

  38. Jane August 10, 2016 at 11:34 pm - Reply

    Once the package (Check) is been sent out to you via FedEx or any mailing process, I will provide you with the tracking number so that you can track it online to enable you know the shipment status. I believe the Company can entrust it’s funds in your possession ?

  39. Marcia August 12, 2016 at 1:18 pm - Reply

    Reading through all of these stories I see I’m not alone and feel for everyone of you. I was married 33 years, My ex started cheating on me after the 25th anniversary that I know of. We separated for several months, I took him back which was my first mistake. The last seven years were a roller coaster. He finally told me to move out, he needed to get on with his life without me. He had lied to me when buying his mothers home, he stated that it had to be in his name only. Therefore, I got nothing. I do have a good job and was able to buy my own home. I have 3 wonderful sons, a sister, my parents and a good friend that help me tremendously. However, the hurt and paid are still there. I cry nightly, and feel like a loser. He of course, is leading a wonderful life, dating, partying. I know I need to move on myself. Its just so hard.

  40. […] is not a negative emotion! Experiencing grief, and even anger, is an essential part of the healing process. And healing is definitely a positive […]

  41. […] know it is wise to guard our tongue. It is wise to see the bigger picture. It is wise to seek the good instead of the easy. And most of the time we have to make choices in wisdom while being surrounded by fools (or at […]

  42. […] yourself permission to do whatever you want. It will be good for you and for those you love. And when you’re done, be open to life, don’t let the behavior of someone else determine your […]

  43. […] might say there is no such thing as a normal day when you’re going through a midlife divorce. These days, you are looking for a better day tomorrow, because the day you’re in is often […]

  44. Adam November 9, 2016 at 9:17 pm - Reply

    I know this is an old thread, but thought id share because im also greiving. Not married, but dated a woman for two years. We broke things off very recently and it’s been much harder
    than I ever imagined it would be. The strange thing is that for a really long time, I actually wanted it to end, but now, at ground zero, with her gone, you really start putting reality
    into perspective. My new reality with her no longer in my life has been pretty empty. I’m lucky to have a kind roommate who is willing to listen and be available to me.

    We hit our peak pretty quick into the relationship. We were practically a married couple within two months spending all of our free time together. Everything we did included each other.
    Over the course of the relationship, we drifted apart and we lost our fire, but I truly believe that we are just too kind of a person to initiate the breakup. We sputtered for a long time.
    Looking back now, we were probably unhappy and discontent more in the relationship than we were happy, but we both recognized and always drew back on those first few memories that we
    created together. That was enough for me to keep trying because that was one of the happiest times in my life.

    She had just come out of a relationship relatively soon before we had started dating so there was a clear red flag that I looked past. At first she didn’t want to date, but later told me that
    I had changed her mind and convinced her to try.

    Now that it’s over and she’s gone, it’s a time of reflection for me. Reflection on what went wrong and how I allowed it to happen. The stress and uncertainty developed from our relationship
    turned me to an all familiar response, smoking weed. I’ve never been a heavy drinker. I will occassionally, but I mostly prefer smoking the green to deal with stress. So I did. She said it
    didn’t bother her and that was just me. It really wasn’t though. I know that you can’t have a successful relationship if you abuse things like that and I was clearly abusing it. But it was
    comfortable because I could put off the feeling of having to end things with her. Folks this was so sad and miserable for the last year that it’s somewhat releiving to finally be over. It’s
    weird to say that. I still have intense feelings of love and care for her and I don’t expect that to go away anytime soon. I was selfish in this regard and it pushed us away from each other.

    All this being said, we talked and cried together and got through the talk. We went upstairs to my apt to get her things and she lost it. Sat down on my bed and began crying uncontrollably.
    She could not even function properly. Walked back downstairs and it was the same thing. I kissed her on the cheek, walked away, and began crying myself. This is what has made things so
    difficult to deal with. We said a lot, she admitted it was unexpectedly way harder than she thought it would be, and it has created a lot of confusion in an otherwise healthy breakup.
    Any thoughts out there?

  45. […] you give yourself permission to mourn, you acknowledge your grief. You don’t pretend it’s not there. You don’t try to be the […]

  46. […] what I mean. That it’s actually detrimental to my relationships at work, with my children, with my wasband, if I’m not clear about what I […]

  47. Sarah March 22, 2017 at 3:54 pm - Reply

    I’ve been separated for just over a year, but wasn’t able to move out of the home until august 2016. So technically I’ve been separated for 7 months. I was doing pretty well, but recently have had a setback. My ex was an alcoholic, spent thousands on booze and drugs, was using cocaine. I found out recently that he has a girlfriend and it hurt. I have a 9 year old with him so I need to maintain contact, but I avoid any interaction with him beyond that. I have blocked him and his family from social media etc. and cut off all mutual friends. I’ve bought a new house and move in at the end of May. It is in a new neighbourhood which hopefully will give me some physical and emotional separation. He’s lost the best thing he ever had… I was miserable to him the last few years of the marriage, I wanted him to stop drinking, to stop leaving me at home while he went out and partied with his friends. I became very depressed.. I still have my days… I still get angry when I have to deal with him. He is now leaving our daughter behind, lying to her… it’s bringing up all sorts of emotions in me because this is what he did… left me behind and lied all the time.

    He told me that i would never be happy… and you know I believe him. I am really not sure how to move through this and get over it. It’s hard after 17 years of hoping that he was going to make the necessary changes to keep his family together.

    I can’t stop talking about it, I talk to strangers about it for goodness sakes. The therapist says I’m doing well… she says that I am moving through it because I am showing all the classic signs of recovery. The constant crying, ruminating about what he did wrong, what I did wrong.. etc. I’m worried that people are going to get sick of hearing about it.

    My friend was up on the weekend. She’s also gone through a divorce. When she was 25 she got cancer. She told me on the weekend that she’d rather go through cancer again then experience divorce. I said to her that about sums it up.

    When am I going to feel better? Why was I doing so well and have now had a set back? Is this normal?

  48. louise March 22, 2017 at 7:38 pm - Reply

    reading through some of these the angrer the bitterness I feel. I just wanted to be loved. the amger that I wasn’t loved in the way I wanted to be loved. I have to love myself like that. I would love to be able to hate my ex for all his cheating and lying his abuse but I cant I physically cant. if I’m totally honest with myself my insticts told me who and what he was when I first met him and I ignored those red flags because by god was I going to make him love me…. I deserved that love it was mine I was owed it I felt. no iwasnt because god damn I wasn’t even loving myself the crap I put up with……someone elses love was more valuable to me than my love for myself….you know what ex screw you….I love me. screw you screw you screw you. I am not your victim. I have a life its my life…mine.

  49. Joshua Tilghman May 6, 2017 at 3:34 pm - Reply


    In your section on “acceptance” you hit the nail on the head when you state that both partners need to stay out of each other’s lives as much as possible. After a separation from a long-term relationship it’s easy to let your mind play tricks on your and try to hold on to something that’s just not meant to be there anymore. Spending any more time together than is necessary is certain to screw with your head even more. Even if you have children together, putting the proper distance between the two of you at least until you both have fully accepted it’s over is necessary. Even seeing the ex again can bring back memories or desires that only keep you hung up on the past. Sometimes people feel helpless after divorce has happened to them, and get stuck in self-pitty and the blame game, but acceptance and forgiveness are powerful emotions and mindsets to help us move on and thrive.

    And you’re right. How we proceed with the rest of our lives is completely up to us. We can either move forward positively or stay stuck in negativity. Thanks for the post.

  50. Susan Key June 3, 2017 at 2:19 am - Reply

    I continue to struggle to get past my divorce after being together for 25 years. It’s been over a year. I don’t cry anymore but the pain is sometimes visceral. It’s made worse by the fact that he has a new partner with whom he does the same things that he did with me. Also he would never tell me why. He just told me I was a great wife & an excellent mother & we were best friends. He didn’t even wait till the divorce was final before he started seeing someone else. He just can’t be alone. The hardest part is that we have custody of a teenager. The divorce has been very hard on him. I would like to have absolutely no contact with my ex because he’s not much of a father but it’s hard not to with our son. I really don’t feel up to dating although I’ve tried a little bit. I just don’t think I’m primetime ready. I’m a professional so income is not really a problem. I get really tired of people telling me to get over it. It’s not just the loss of the imagined future or the loss of togetherness, it’s also the loss of memories shared to reminisce about. I don’t have anyone to turn to to say remember when our daughter was five & did this? It’s that last thing that I’m struggling with now. I’ve learned to be alone with myself & have tried to make some new friends as he got most of them in the divorce. But at 60 there are not many people in a similar situation even though everyone tells me there are. I’m out & about & I really don’t meet professional people who are divorced at my age. I’m sure they’re there & I’ve met a few but it’s more the oddity than the norm. I would so like to get past the pain & the anger.

  51. […] the middle of all of this mess, we ask ourselves, “Will I ever get over this?”  “Will I ever really be happy […]

  52. keary August 16, 2017 at 2:29 am - Reply

    Great article… but referring to the man as a wasband seems distasteful.. he’s your ex-husband

  53. Randal November 1, 2017 at 8:48 am - Reply

    Thank you for the article and most are for woman,but my wife left me with my two kids under 10 years as we have been married for 10 years.her reason was that I was cold yet I tried everything to make her happy however everything I did was never enough because always complained.She just deserted me and the kids and it was the most horrible time and still dealing with it because I have to ensure now everything for the kids,cooking,cleaning,ironing and lunch and everything else and school meetings while she enjoys her single life and partying with her single friends.She said tis is a seperation to see if she still wants me and how can you do introspection when you out drinking and partying and having men around.I wake up everyday and face another day because my kids look up to me and as a single dad it is not easy but i get up and we pray togather and make sure I listen to them and really pay attention even though the pain and hurt is so real and i cry most nights so my kids dont see me crying and yet her words to me was she has to be strong for the kids yet she is not present and I have to keep everything togather.It is hard and I do take my hat of for any single dad and mother who cared all these years for kids without the help..

    • Deirdre November 2, 2017 at 1:28 pm - Reply

      Randal, it’s really difficult and does take some getting used to. If I were you though I’d not be waiting for her to make a decision, I’d start living my life without her in it. I find it very odd that any woman could walk away from her children so suspect she isn’t in the best frame of mind atm either. Maybe she got tired of doing the cooking, lunches, getting kids dressed etc and had enough. Maybe she’s trying to get you to realise what her life was like every day. I know you said she was complaining every day and you did everything you could but I think there’s probably more to it. I don’t know but don’t hang around waiting to see if she thinks you are good enough for her to come back to, she either wants to be with you or she doesn’t. Hope you are ok.

  54. Jean January 8, 2018 at 6:00 am - Reply

    I’m so depressed because I’m 58 and my husband and I are getting a divorce after being married two years and dating 7 before that (long distance). He was married twice before and this was my first marriage.. For the first seven years everything was wonderful even though I was ill. I had to have a colon operation and then four years ago was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer. Three years ago when we got engaged,, everything changed. It was like a light switch got turned on. He became verbally and emotionally abusive; I was so confused. We fought all the time at the end, over everything and I just couldn’t understand it. He would get upset over anything I did or said that wasn’t what he thought I should be doing, thinking or saying…the smallest things. We were long distance for a while and he’d do things like hang up the phone and not answer for days over the smallest disagreement. It tore me apart and I’d cry and be home sick from work and got in trouble for that (I have a very challenging job while he hasn’t worked in three years because he was “busy.”). I don’t know how to get through this. We are building a house we will now have to immediately sell because I have no money, having given it all up to help support him. The money for the house came from his inheritance and he said it’s all his and the money I gave up the past two years doesn’t count for much. I am also told my cancer will come back soon (The doctor told me on the last visit she was surprised it already hadn’t). I feel so betrayed and heartbroken….al the dreams I had are now gone and I feel like I’m going to die alone. I thought I would know what love was before I died and have a happy ending to my life. Instead I feel like I will never recover from this and cry every day of my life that is left. I don’t even know WHY he was so angry all the time except he didn’t like what I did, said, etc. and I thought I was a good wife. I worked hard; I tried to be open and honest; I tried to be kind and caring. He was always just about himself. I just don’t know how I’ll live through this and why I’d even want to. Everyone tells me he was mentally ill but it doesn’t help me much with my grief. I am just so sad I can’t seem to move. I keep telling myself there will be no more name calling, no character assassinations anymore, or sadistic cruelty, but seem to only remember the good years. I just don’t know how I’ll ever stop crying or care about anything again and that’s the truth. I do talk to a psychiatrist, but nothing helps. I just wish someone could understand what it’s like. It feels like dying, it really does

  55. saloni January 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm - Reply

    I was married on 6 feb 2018.But my in-laws always torture me for dowry .My husband is not supportive .He don’t understand my pain and hurts me all the time .Now what should I do? I m thinking for divorce as I didn’t get love and respect from my in-laws and husband.

    • Suzy Brown March 7, 2018 at 9:46 pm - Reply

      Be careful and be safe. Try to get help.

  56. D June 13, 2018 at 1:16 pm - Reply

    What are you a troll on this site? This site is about healing from divorce, not selling foreign brides. Guess what? I personally k now of three people who have been scammed by brides like this. Stayed until they got their residency and ran. So go ahead, get your revenge, but be realistic about it. No they don’t love you. They love America and your money. In the end, your ex will be laughing at you.

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