If you’re anywhere in the divorce process, you know that getting over divorce is a lot harder and much more complicated than you thought it would be. Even though the journey of divorce recovery is different for everyone, I’ve never met anyone who thought it was easy. You probably thought you’d be feeling better by now. Months, and even years, later you’re still struggling with how to get over a failed marriage.
Sometimes early on, figuring out how to move on after divorce is not the real question. The actual questions when you’re devastated by divorce are: “Can I really survive divorce? How long can I endure this heartache? How can I actually feel this broken and still keep breathing?” Sometimes you wonder if life is worth the pain.
People who have not been through divorce DO NOT understand how difficult and long the process can be. You’re trying to put on a good show, but deep down you’re really struggling with healing after your divorce. Figuring out how to get over a divorce after a long marriage is even more challenging. Everything you thought your life was going to be is gone!
Hopefully, you’re also saying “I am not going to let this divorce defeat me! I want my life back! I need help! I am going to get over this divorce! I am not going to let this divorce destroy my life!”
After many years of helping women figure out how to get through a divorce, I recommend three vital steps to to get started:
- Step One: Accept the Divorce
- Step Two: Ask for help to move forward
- Step Three: Take action to move on
Why can’t I stop obsessing over this divorce? Why did he do that? Why didn’t I do this? What are he and his girlfriend doing now?
Step One: Accept The Divorce
When you’re trying to figure out how to accept your divorce, you often obsess about these questions:
- Why did he stop loving me?
- Why didn’t I see that he wasn’t happy?
- How could I have done better?
- What are he and his girlfriend doing now?
- I wanted the divorce, why am I so sad?
- How can you deal with divorce when you’re still in love?
- How do I accept a divorce I don’t want and didn’t cause and never thought would happen to me?
We keep obsessing: “This isn’t fair! I hate being divorced! This is not how my life is supposed to turn out!” Those thoughts may be true, but the first step toward healing after divorce is fully accepting our divorce. We have to get clear mentally: “I am getting divorced,” or “I am divorced.” That is our new reality.
Most women try to desperately deny that truth as long as we can. We know in our head that our divorce is really happening, but it takes our heart longer to catch up. We sometimes try to deny the divorce by keeping ties to our ex in unhealthy ways.
When we are focused on how to get through a divorce emotionally, our ex-husband may try to keep his foot in the door of our life by wanting to be our friend, or offering to fix the sink, or as one RADiCAL woman revealed, by sending her flowers and candy saying that he still loved her.
Many men, out of guilt or wanting control, mess with our hearts like that. Another word for that is abuse! Being divorced means you both have to accept the natural consequences of divorce. Women say to me, “This divorce is killing me emotionally!” Getting your ex or soon-to-be ex out of your life as much as possible helps you heal after divorce. Don’t let him take up emotional space in your head and in your heart that should be focused on you, your children and your future.
If you have children, managing relations with your ex is almost always a challenge. My advice is usually the less interaction the better. Communicating through text or email helps. Keeping the boundaries clear and following the court-ordered parenting plan helps, too. Of course, flexibility is always good when it comes to working out the minefield of kids’ stuff after divorce.
Acknowledge Feelings & Mourn
Part of accepting your divorce is being honest about how much this hurts, and giving yourself permission to grieve. Our culture doesn’t have any rituals to grieve divorce. Hollywood and the media pretend it’s “no big deal” to divorce. Movie stars do “conscious uncoupling” and they are “better friends than ever!” Real life divorce doesn’t usually work like that. In overcoming divorce there is usually sobbing, screaming, fear, pain and you do our best to end up in one piece!
Regardless of how long you were together or how the divorce happened, you still have to grieve what you wanted your marriage to be, what you hoped your marriage would be and how much time, energy and love you committed to your marriage. Those are huge losses worth grieving!
Friends and family who encourage you to “Just forget about him!” Or say, “You’re better off without him” Or “Just get over it!” have most likely never been divorced and don’t know how complicated and devastating divorce can be.
Have Self Compassion & Remember You Are Valuable
Often during divorce, our spouse is busy trying to make everything wrong in the marriage our fault. Even bad choices on his part are somehow our responsibility. “If you had been more of this or less of that, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.”
Don’t buy into that! We each have to take responsibility for our own actions. Do not be bullied into taking responsibility for your ex’s destructive decisions. Don’t let anyone destroy your confidence and self-esteem.
Also, give yourself some grace as you go through the process. Don’t expect yourself to be “on top of your game” during divorce. At times, most of us are a mess and full of self-doubt, so be kind to yourself, and be patient with the process of healing and moving on.
Recognize What’s Done Is Done
Everyone who is trying to answer that question, “How do I get through a divorce?” has to realize that the past is past. At some point you have to say to yourself the same thing my older brother said to me: “I know this isn’t fair. You didn’t want this. You tried to prevent this. But this is where you are. Are you going to stay in this pit of despair or are you going to let God show you what he has planned for you moving forward? It’s your choice.”
Step Two: Ask For Help To Move Forward
Divorce is a very isolated, lonely journey. After divorce and our last child left for college, it was the first time I had ever lived alone. I felt like I was all alone at home in my sweats while everyone else was at a party. Everywhere I looked, I saw families and couples together. During and after divorce those intimate connections were gone.
Especially during midlife and late life divorce, so many other things are changing for us. Our bodies are changing; our careers may be slowing down; our kids are leaving home; our parents may need us more. All adding to the loneliness and isolation after divorce. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Talk To Friends
During divorce, I’m sorry to say, we ourselves have to reach out to friends, family, church groups, neighbors and anyone else…even old friends we haven’t talked to in a while. But remember this, too: If any person or group makes you feel worse after being around them, take a pause until you are ready for their company again.
Sometimes, we don’t need advice as much as having them listen and not being judgmental. Maybe you need someone to get your mind off of the divorce, and you don’t want to talk about the divorce at all. Tell your friends and relatives who are supportive exactly what you need when you’re going through divorce. They want to help, but they usually don’t know how.
Talk To A Therapist
Divorce is a huge life disruption on so many levels. Divorce creates more change in our life than just about anything else that could happen to us. All of those major life changes coming at once is terrifying, exhausting and difficult to process alone. Finding a helpful therapist or counselor can be a solid place to start figuring out how to get through a divorce emotionally.
Find A Divorce Support Group
Finding a support group is also often recommended by therapists. Find a group of people who actually know how your heart is hurting. Since my first RADiCAL group, I have realized how important it is to have soul-sisters who understand. In our MDRcommunity you can say anything without fear of it getting back to friends or family. And it’s available 24/7 365 days a year! Read below what women had to say about being in our group of RADiCAL Women:
“Just having a safe place to vent is a Godsend. Little gems of truth from the MDR sisters have helped me with my healing – I don’t know where I’d be without them.”
“Having this forum has truly been a life saver for me. I’ve come here happy and sad, when I’m the latter, my fellow sisters have picked me up and talked me back to reality. They are the backbone of my road to healthy.”
“Glad you are here, I specifically came here just now because I am having a sad day, crying my eyes out. No need to be sorry, so very glad we can come here and express our feelings. This too shall pass…”
Step Three: Take Action To Move On
I know getting through divorce is a torturous, confusing road. Start with baby steps. It’s a process. Don’t look too far into the future. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to get closer to the life I deserve? In the beginning, take small concrete actions that will start you on the road to your best life after divorce.
When you first wake up every morning, be thankful. Say, “Thank you that I made it through the night.” Add five new things to your list every morning, “Thank you for my eyes. Thank you that I can walk into the kitchen and have something good to eat. Thank you for coffee.” This simple attitude of gratitude is profound in bringing about healing in your heart.
All through the day, focus on taking small (but really, really important) steps forward. Before you do something, ask yourself, “will this move me forward or does this keep me stuck in the divorce pit of bitterness and pain?”
Invest in yourself. Get the resources you need…like coming to this site. That’s a positive step in the right direction. You’ll get help and encouragement and tools to keep getting RADiCAL (Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love!). Having a road map to guide you on “next steps” takes the pressure off of you trying to figure it all out yourself.
Maintain A Routine
Your number one priority: Taking care of yourself. Divorce is mentally and physically exhausting and overwhelming. When divorce first happens, most of the time you are barely getting through the day, so making the commitment to take care of YOU during and after divorce is job #1!
Start with our Survival Six – the six things you need to be doing to get your feet on the floor every single day. Put that “Survival Six Morning Action Plan” on your bathroom mirror and do those six things everyday! We’ve had people tell us that Survival Six literally saved their life!
Take Care Of Yourself Physically
Do the basic things you need to do to stay healthy physically. Simple things our mothers told us to do. Since most of us find ourselves on the ‘The Divorce Diet, we don’t eat like we should. We aren’t sleeping well. I ended up in the E.R. once because I was dehydrated. It helps to have healthy, east-to-fix, simple-to-eat foods around that you can snack on all day.
Celebrate the small victories. Try to get out in the sun everyday. Get your heart rate up every day for at least 20 minutes. Breathe deeply, Stay connected. Practice good sleep rituals. Smile. Stand up straight, put your shoulders back and stride. Remember, you can do things that make you feel better. DO THEM!
Focus Elsewhere
While we’re in it, divorce dominates our thinking. It’s in our face all the time. All of the huge decisions, records to gather, figuring out the money, deciding where we’re going to live, staying focused at work, being there for the children…can add up to getting physically sick or have a nervous breakdown.
Try the “Stop and Swap” model. I love the way it’s explained in the book, Enough Dammit! by Karen Salmansohn. When your divorce takes you to a place of misery, pain and fear, immediately send your thoughts anywhere else. Pray. Imagine your favorite fishing spot. Clean something. Get outside. Get totally in the present moment…the only moment you can do anything about.
Think Positively
During divorce, it is important to learn or re-learn about The Power of Positive Thinking, a concept made famous by Norman Vincent Peale in 1952. The book is one of the most widely read books of all time. As difficult as it is to be positive about anything when you’re going through divorce, you can learn to do it. When we think positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts we attract more positive things in our lives. Negativity breeds more negativity. Like one of our experts recommends, train your mind to find something positive in every situation.
Tread Cautiously With New Relationships
Often when we are struggling with low self esteem and loneliness during and after divorce, some people might suggest that we start dating or trying to find someone new. Do not feel pressured to start any new romantic relationships until you have done the grieving and healing work you need to do after divorce! Period!
Rushing into new relationships when we are vulnerable and feeling unloved can lead to all kinds of problems. Women who are struggling to make themselves feel better after divorce often turn to food, shopping or sex. I would add another temptation to that. Alcohol. Trying to solve your problems with any of those four things often brings more pain than pleasure in the long run.
Get yourself strong before you start dating again!
How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?
It takes different people different amounts of time to get over their divorce. You can’t get through your divorce issues today. In fact, one psychologist told me to count on one year of recovery after divorce for every five to seven years you were married! I said, “I don’t have that long! I might be dead by then!” Other professionals say that you need one month of recovery time for every year of marriage. That still seemed too long to me. (Read more about how long it should take to get over a divorce).
Will I Ever Get Over My Divorce?
Yes, you will get over your divorce, but my honest opinion is that divorce takes at least one year of serious work to get through successfully. I say a year, because part of the grieving process includes mourning all of those occasions that happen over a year: Holidays, birthdays, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and other personal, couple or family anniversaries.
Allowing yourself time to fully grieve is necessary to move forward. You simply cannot, and should not avoid mourning this loss. Only then can you really move forward. Grief has its own schedule. Be patient.
The most important step to divorce recovery is when you realize that YOU CAN get over your divorce. Your ex husband doesn’t control you. He is not in charge of your happiness. You are. Whatever happens in the rest of your life is your choice. You decide whether to spend your days being bitter and angry, or to find things to celebrate and be thankful for every day.
When we’re on this journey, we decide if you’re going to get out of bed every morning and find something productive to do, or if we’re going to stay in bed in an emotional and physical funk all day. So get in your head that getting over divorce means taking personal control, and taking responsibility for your life. Your future is up to you!
Surviving Divorce After 20 Or 30 Years Of Marriage
When we have been married 20 or 30 or more years, it usually takes us longer to accept the reality that our marriage is over. Most of us thought if we made it that long, we would be good to go for the rest of our lives. Or we expected a miracle of reconciliation that never happened.
Getting over a midlife or late life divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be the most challenging and frustrating experience you ever face in life. But the truth is, learning the lessons involved in getting over divorce can also be the most powerful and positive life lessons you ever learn. (Read about the stages of divorce recovery).
You Can Do It!
If we don’t accept our divorce…and refuse to get help…and don’t take action to move on, healing after divorce will never happen. The best way to get over divorce is to embrace the life you have this very moment and surround yourself with people and resources that will help you make the journey to your very best life.
We just have this one unpredictable, but very precious, life. After divorce, If you keep taking those steps forward, you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams, REALLY!
So when you ask yourself, “How do I get over divorce?” Remember that getting over divorce is completely up to you. It’s your future, and you determine what it will be. Decide to shine your unique and beautiful light in every way you can after divorce. You can make your life amazing and wonderful and every other glorious thing you can think of! We’re here to help.
I too was left on December 13,2014… He has lied almost from the beginning about not being involved with a woman who he works with. I trusted him, I let him do things he wanted to do alone more often than not. I suffered the loss of my dad, my best friend and no support from him in the years prior to his leaving and during.
He is now living with her in her beautiful home while our home is on the verge of foreclosure. I journal every night, see a therapist and attend divorce care meetings yet I can;t stop asking the same questions over and over again.. WHY??? Wasn’t 15 years worth working on? How can he start a new relationship already. It has only been a year since he left and no papers have been filed. It kills me to think that our daughter will be in a new family that doesn’t include her whole family now. This is my second divorce and I had the same issues the first time around, only feeling I was over it when I met my current estranged spouse. I feel lost, unworthy and sad. I get angry and want to beat them both but I know I would never. This is so hard….
Married 12 years dated 2 years. I do the whole “if I just did better so he wasn’t abusive we could still be together”. I wish I could stop thinking about him. He had a girlfriend before we were divorced and she’s now living with him and MY SON. It kills me. It’s been a year since I moved out and 9 since the divorce was final. I wish for my family back at least once a day still.
I understand and have been where all of you are. It feels like you are stuck in sorrow, like quicksand. In some ways, I am still going through the hurt of the loss my marriage, but as my 19 year old son told me this weekend, “You did everything you could, Mom. It’s ok to move on.” I held on for 22 months praying for my husband. Surrounded by Christian friends who told me, “You have biblical grounds to leave him,” yet I kept reminded myself of the scripture Mark 10:4-5 where Jesus says that God allows divorce based on adultery because he knew our hearts would be hard. He knows us well. Our hearts so easily become hardened when we are betrayed in that way. I had to tap into more humility than I knew I had in order to try to pursue my husband’s heart after he left. Any strength I had, I found in the Lord. Suzy Brown is absolutely right on track. The longest stage for me was accepting that my future was not going to include the man I married and was committed to. Commitment is something that must be mutual.
My husband left again for the last time on Jan 7, 2015. We have been married for 28 years. He left for another woman, the third since 1996 that I know of. I know it’s for the best, but it’s still painful. We have two children 27 and 25 yrs old and a grandson who is 7. Our life was never stable because of his affairs. I just wanted to believe that he would never do it again. He did and every time he left it was without warning. I never want to feel that feeling of wondering when or if he’ll leave when I walk out the door to go to work. I’m ready for a better life.
Married for 37 years, had dated for 4. He left me a year ago. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. I have a good job, I have some good friends that I do things with and have fun when I’m with them, I have joined a choir because I love singing, I exercise regularly, I take care of my house, I’m making the financial plans I need to in order to retire in 3 years. But… I come home to an empty house, cook dinner for one, eat alone and have no one to talk to most evenings. I still miss him and I still cry almost every day. I have no desire to date anyone else. I don’t know how or when the hurting will stop.
Hi , I’m separated coming up on a year. I found my husband arranging to meet a prostitute last March. Initially I felt sad for him (after the initial shock) i thought he must have felt so lonely. I suppose what I find hard is that my husband had obviously left me before I knew it ie before he moved out….. We were married 17 years and dating for 3 before that. I’m trying to take control of my life ….. I’m back at university ( I will have to go back to work) and I got first class honours in the winter exams which is good. I set myself goals to run a half marathon in June and get first class honours but I’m tired from trying…. I suppose when will I feel normal and at peace again…. I don’t see my husband… I feel any interaction with him throws me off balance…. we have three little girls and somebody else does the handover s etc. I feel really sad and I miss him. He is the only man I’ve ever been with and I can’t imagine being with another …. yet I don’t want to never have that again … but I also wonder what is love now…. if it can bend and change so easily… I know with my siblings and parents at home we could have all have rows and irritate each other but when any of us have a problem we are there for each other no matter what…. nobody would ever be thrown out of our family, we understand that we will all have off days and bad times but at the end if the day we are there for eachother!! I also wonder if because I was never with any one else could… Read more »
H I got my ex pregnant. She was too young. 19. I was nine years older. She got pregnant on purpose. Stopped taking birth control. Didn’t tell me. Ya, it takes two to tango. Anyway, she was an emotional wreck. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity. She was sexually abused as a child. Date raped as a teen and all of it ignored by her idiot parents. Well, I took up the responsibility of raising our family. I dropped everything I was doing and prepared for, You see I had a crap childhood, too,, and I was determined to provide a better life for my own family. To do better than my awful parents. She, too, held this dream. But she couldn’t, or was unable, to take on the responsibility. More children followed. She was a great mom, sometimes, but often fell into despair. She committed credit card fraud routinely. She abused drugs and alcohol and would often times leave our young children alone to party. As you might expect I got pissed. A lot. I was always angry at this woman. Eventually, our marriage, if it ever was one, just got worse and worse. She never stopped lying. A constant. Destroyed my ego as I would try reason, rationalization, begging, hell, I even threatened suicide, to get her to stop undermining our family. She never did. At the end of 20 years of this shit I was a broken man. She was a miserable woman. We hated each other. So she ran off with another guy. For some reason, I freak. Anyway, depression, which I had suffered from for ten years turned to major depression, suicidal thoughts and hospitalization. I even quit my job. It was a terrible break. Well, most of these comments speak of a happy honeymoon, etc. We never… Read more »
I was married for 34 years. We were together two years prior to that. We were very happy for twenty years. He got into internet porn and became extremely verbally abusive – kind of all of a sudden. I stayed for fifteen years of pure hell. I have been divorced for five years. He did make an amends of sorts to me. Not by any means complete but probably the best he could do. I told him I forgave him. I still talk to him sometimes. We have two kids and grandkids. He wanted so much to be single and now that he is he is miserable. He dates tons of women on the internet and dumps them after three months because they’re never perfect enough for him. Everyone tells me I’m beautiful and wonderful, yada, yada. My problem is I have so much sadness and sorrow. I feel anguish sometimes that hurts my chest and I feel hopeless at times. Not every second – I do have friends and laugh a lot at times but this sadness has gone on waaaaay to long. I have dated but in all honesty the dating scene for women my age is not encouraging. Men meet too many women on line and get caught up in always wondering what’s around the corner or behind “door number three”. This is just a fact of our times, I’ve had a couple of guys really like me and want to marry me but I felt zero attraction. I don’t know if maybe I am hopelessly broken because of my marriage breaking up and all the good years we did have before he changed. I loved him so much and was a very good wife. I honestly wish I hadn’t gotten divorced. I wish I had gone… Read more »
Reading through the comments is the most helpful thing for me. I was married for 10 years, divorce coming to an “official” conclusion on October 7th, 2015…2 months away from anniversary time. The most painful thing for me is hearing about those that have children involved. I always wished for children, my ex never considered it. I am thankful for this, because going through this is painful enough, that having something so beautiful as a child involved would be truly earth shattering. This said, I can strongly relate to, and even feel the consistencies that those with children have gone through and continue to go through. These consistencies include, feeling not just a loss of a best friend/everything really, but feeling lost, period. Feeling of uncertainty of what to do, where to go, how to start a new life. Even thoughts of what is the point with the life now? That very deep down insane pain that seems to be infinite, and incapable of ever possibly leaving the system. The lack of confidence, the difficulty to face the world, the emotional up and down in spite each day is stationary/stagnate/not moving. We can read every single self-help book and go see any therapist in the world, have as many friends possible, do all the things we know we should be doing to help the self move through it all, but yet it all seems to be such an impossible task. We have days where we do quite a bit, but we still feel no sense of accomplishment, no sense of worth. In spite, it feels like being in an infinite hole, with very little light shining through, we must know something truly important. If we were able to have such a beautiful love, even if it was only for X… Read more »
It is now 7 months to the day that she left. We were from different cultures, different genders and different ages. I wasn’t looking for her, when she found me, and she convinced me that we could have have a great marriage, and I wanted to believe, so I did. . We were together 13 years. The early years were wonderful beyond description, I walked on air every day. As she became more used to this country and this culture, she made her own friends, which she increasingly kept private from me. I worked every day to support our lifestyle, while she pursued her social and extracurricular activities. In the last 4 years she started to have activities most nights of the week, she said she was starting her business and was “networking”. After a long day at work, I would come home to an empty, cold house with no provision for my dinner. She would roll in at 10pm or 11pm, with a story about meeting a customer or a vendor. I became resentful and hurt that I was making all the contributions to our marriage home and bank account, while she was off with people and activities of which I knew nothing. She stopped being mentally intimate with me, and so I had to assume she was sharing the details of her life with someone else, and perhaps more. When I asked her to schedule some activity with me, she was too busy. I became concerned that she might get pregnant with someone else and I would be stuck with child support, and that she would leave me and take my life savings. I gave her an ultimatium to spend more time with me, and she left without a goodbye. The separation is now final, she did get… Read more »