If you’re anywhere in the divorce process, you know that getting over divorce is a lot harder and much more complicated than you thought it would be. Even though the journey of divorce recovery is different for everyone, I’ve never met anyone who thought it was easy. You probably thought you’d be feeling better by now. Months, and even years, later you’re still struggling with how to get over a failed marriage.
Sometimes early on, figuring out how to move on after divorce is not the real question. The actual questions when you’re devastated by divorce are: “Can I really survive divorce? How long can I endure this heartache? How can I actually feel this broken and still keep breathing?” Sometimes you wonder if life is worth the pain.
People who have not been through divorce DO NOT understand how difficult and long the process can be. You’re trying to put on a good show, but deep down you’re really struggling with healing after your divorce. Figuring out how to get over a divorce after a long marriage is even more challenging. Everything you thought your life was going to be is gone!
Hopefully, you’re also saying “I am not going to let this divorce defeat me! I want my life back! I need help! I am going to get over this divorce! I am not going to let this divorce destroy my life!”
After many years of helping women figure out how to get through a divorce, I recommend three vital steps to to get started:
- Step One: Accept the Divorce
- Step Two: Ask for help to move forward
- Step Three: Take action to move on
Why can’t I stop obsessing over this divorce? Why did he do that? Why didn’t I do this? What are he and his girlfriend doing now?
Step One: Accept The Divorce
When you’re trying to figure out how to accept your divorce, you often obsess about these questions:
- Why did he stop loving me?
- Why didn’t I see that he wasn’t happy?
- How could I have done better?
- What are he and his girlfriend doing now?
- I wanted the divorce, why am I so sad?
- How can you deal with divorce when you’re still in love?
- How do I accept a divorce I don’t want and didn’t cause and never thought would happen to me?
We keep obsessing: “This isn’t fair! I hate being divorced! This is not how my life is supposed to turn out!” Those thoughts may be true, but the first step toward healing after divorce is fully accepting our divorce. We have to get clear mentally: “I am getting divorced,” or “I am divorced.” That is our new reality.
Most women try to desperately deny that truth as long as we can. We know in our head that our divorce is really happening, but it takes our heart longer to catch up. We sometimes try to deny the divorce by keeping ties to our ex in unhealthy ways.
When we are focused on how to get through a divorce emotionally, our ex-husband may try to keep his foot in the door of our life by wanting to be our friend, or offering to fix the sink, or as one RADiCAL woman revealed, by sending her flowers and candy saying that he still loved her.
Many men, out of guilt or wanting control, mess with our hearts like that. Another word for that is abuse! Being divorced means you both have to accept the natural consequences of divorce. Women say to me, “This divorce is killing me emotionally!” Getting your ex or soon-to-be ex out of your life as much as possible helps you heal after divorce. Don’t let him take up emotional space in your head and in your heart that should be focused on you, your children and your future.
If you have children, managing relations with your ex is almost always a challenge. My advice is usually the less interaction the better. Communicating through text or email helps. Keeping the boundaries clear and following the court-ordered parenting plan helps, too. Of course, flexibility is always good when it comes to working out the minefield of kids’ stuff after divorce.
Acknowledge Feelings & Mourn
Part of accepting your divorce is being honest about how much this hurts, and giving yourself permission to grieve. Our culture doesn’t have any rituals to grieve divorce. Hollywood and the media pretend it’s “no big deal” to divorce. Movie stars do “conscious uncoupling” and they are “better friends than ever!” Real life divorce doesn’t usually work like that. In overcoming divorce there is usually sobbing, screaming, fear, pain and you do our best to end up in one piece!
Regardless of how long you were together or how the divorce happened, you still have to grieve what you wanted your marriage to be, what you hoped your marriage would be and how much time, energy and love you committed to your marriage. Those are huge losses worth grieving!
Friends and family who encourage you to “Just forget about him!” Or say, “You’re better off without him” Or “Just get over it!” have most likely never been divorced and don’t know how complicated and devastating divorce can be.
Have Self Compassion & Remember You Are Valuable
Often during divorce, our spouse is busy trying to make everything wrong in the marriage our fault. Even bad choices on his part are somehow our responsibility. “If you had been more of this or less of that, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.”
Don’t buy into that! We each have to take responsibility for our own actions. Do not be bullied into taking responsibility for your ex’s destructive decisions. Don’t let anyone destroy your confidence and self-esteem.
Also, give yourself some grace as you go through the process. Don’t expect yourself to be “on top of your game” during divorce. At times, most of us are a mess and full of self-doubt, so be kind to yourself, and be patient with the process of healing and moving on.
Recognize What’s Done Is Done
Everyone who is trying to answer that question, “How do I get through a divorce?” has to realize that the past is past. At some point you have to say to yourself the same thing my older brother said to me: “I know this isn’t fair. You didn’t want this. You tried to prevent this. But this is where you are. Are you going to stay in this pit of despair or are you going to let God show you what he has planned for you moving forward? It’s your choice.”
Step Two: Ask For Help To Move Forward
Divorce is a very isolated, lonely journey. After divorce and our last child left for college, it was the first time I had ever lived alone. I felt like I was all alone at home in my sweats while everyone else was at a party. Everywhere I looked, I saw families and couples together. During and after divorce those intimate connections were gone.
Especially during midlife and late life divorce, so many other things are changing for us. Our bodies are changing; our careers may be slowing down; our kids are leaving home; our parents may need us more. All adding to the loneliness and isolation after divorce. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Talk To Friends
During divorce, I’m sorry to say, we ourselves have to reach out to friends, family, church groups, neighbors and anyone else…even old friends we haven’t talked to in a while. But remember this, too: If any person or group makes you feel worse after being around them, take a pause until you are ready for their company again.
Sometimes, we don’t need advice as much as having them listen and not being judgmental. Maybe you need someone to get your mind off of the divorce, and you don’t want to talk about the divorce at all. Tell your friends and relatives who are supportive exactly what you need when you’re going through divorce. They want to help, but they usually don’t know how.
Talk To A Therapist
Divorce is a huge life disruption on so many levels. Divorce creates more change in our life than just about anything else that could happen to us. All of those major life changes coming at once is terrifying, exhausting and difficult to process alone. Finding a helpful therapist or counselor can be a solid place to start figuring out how to get through a divorce emotionally.
Find A Divorce Support Group
Finding a support group is also often recommended by therapists. Find a group of people who actually know how your heart is hurting. Since my first RADiCAL group, I have realized how important it is to have soul-sisters who understand. In our MDRcommunity you can say anything without fear of it getting back to friends or family. And it’s available 24/7 365 days a year! Read below what women had to say about being in our group of RADiCAL Women:
“Just having a safe place to vent is a Godsend. Little gems of truth from the MDR sisters have helped me with my healing – I don’t know where I’d be without them.”
“Having this forum has truly been a life saver for me. I’ve come here happy and sad, when I’m the latter, my fellow sisters have picked me up and talked me back to reality. They are the backbone of my road to healthy.”
“Glad you are here, I specifically came here just now because I am having a sad day, crying my eyes out. No need to be sorry, so very glad we can come here and express our feelings. This too shall pass…”
Step Three: Take Action To Move On
I know getting through divorce is a torturous, confusing road. Start with baby steps. It’s a process. Don’t look too far into the future. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to get closer to the life I deserve? In the beginning, take small concrete actions that will start you on the road to your best life after divorce.
When you first wake up every morning, be thankful. Say, “Thank you that I made it through the night.” Add five new things to your list every morning, “Thank you for my eyes. Thank you that I can walk into the kitchen and have something good to eat. Thank you for coffee.” This simple attitude of gratitude is profound in bringing about healing in your heart.
All through the day, focus on taking small (but really, really important) steps forward. Before you do something, ask yourself, “will this move me forward or does this keep me stuck in the divorce pit of bitterness and pain?”
Invest in yourself. Get the resources you need…like coming to this site. That’s a positive step in the right direction. You’ll get help and encouragement and tools to keep getting RADiCAL (Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love!). Having a road map to guide you on “next steps” takes the pressure off of you trying to figure it all out yourself.
Maintain A Routine
Your number one priority: Taking care of yourself. Divorce is mentally and physically exhausting and overwhelming. When divorce first happens, most of the time you are barely getting through the day, so making the commitment to take care of YOU during and after divorce is job #1!
Start with our Survival Six – the six things you need to be doing to get your feet on the floor every single day. Put that “Survival Six Morning Action Plan” on your bathroom mirror and do those six things everyday! We’ve had people tell us that Survival Six literally saved their life!
Take Care Of Yourself Physically
Do the basic things you need to do to stay healthy physically. Simple things our mothers told us to do. Since most of us find ourselves on the ‘The Divorce Diet, we don’t eat like we should. We aren’t sleeping well. I ended up in the E.R. once because I was dehydrated. It helps to have healthy, east-to-fix, simple-to-eat foods around that you can snack on all day.
Celebrate the small victories. Try to get out in the sun everyday. Get your heart rate up every day for at least 20 minutes. Breathe deeply, Stay connected. Practice good sleep rituals. Smile. Stand up straight, put your shoulders back and stride. Remember, you can do things that make you feel better. DO THEM!
While we’re in it, divorce dominates our thinking. It’s in our face all the time. All of the huge decisions, records to gather, figuring out the money, deciding where we’re going to live, staying focused at work, being there for the children…can add up to getting physically sick or have a nervous breakdown.
Try the “Stop and Swap” model. I love the way it’s explained in the book, Enough Dammit! by Karen Salmansohn. When your divorce takes you to a place of misery, pain and fear, immediately send your thoughts anywhere else. Pray. Imagine your favorite fishing spot. Clean something. Get outside. Get totally in the present moment…the only moment you can do anything about.
During divorce, it is important to learn or re-learn about The Power of Positive Thinking, a concept made famous by Norman Vincent Peale in 1952. The book is one of the most widely read books of all time. As difficult as it is to be positive about anything when you’re going through divorce, you can learn to do it. When we think positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts we attract more positive things in our lives. Negativity breeds more negativity. Like one of our experts recommends, train your mind to find something positive in every situation.
Tread Cautiously With New Relationships
Often when we are struggling with low self esteem and loneliness during and after divorce, some people might suggest that we start dating or trying to find someone new. Do not feel pressured to start any new romantic relationships until you have done the grieving and healing work you need to do after divorce! Period!
Rushing into new relationships when we are vulnerable and feeling unloved can lead to all kinds of problems. Women who are struggling to make themselves feel better after divorce often turn to food, shopping or sex. I would add another temptation to that. Alcohol. Trying to solve your problems with any of those four things often brings more pain than pleasure in the long run.
Get yourself strong before you start dating again!
How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?
It takes different people different amounts of time to get over their divorce. You can’t get through your divorce issues today. In fact, one psychologist told me to count on one year of recovery after divorce for every five to seven years you were married! I said, “I don’t have that long! I might be dead by then!” Other professionals say that you need one month of recovery time for every year of marriage. That still seemed too long to me. (Read more about how long it should take to get over a divorce).
Will I Ever Get Over My Divorce?
Yes, you will get over your divorce, but my honest opinion is that divorce takes at least one year of serious work to get through successfully. I say a year, because part of the grieving process includes mourning all of those occasions that happen over a year: Holidays, birthdays, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and other personal, couple or family anniversaries.
Allowing yourself time to fully grieve is necessary to move forward. You simply cannot, and should not avoid mourning this loss. Only then can you really move forward. Grief has its own schedule. Be patient.
The most important step to divorce recovery is when you realize that YOU CAN get over your divorce. Your ex husband doesn’t control you. He is not in charge of your happiness. You are. Whatever happens in the rest of your life is your choice. You decide whether to spend your days being bitter and angry, or to find things to celebrate and be thankful for every day.
When we’re on this journey, we decide if you’re going to get out of bed every morning and find something productive to do, or if we’re going to stay in bed in an emotional and physical funk all day. So get in your head that getting over divorce means taking personal control, and taking responsibility for your life. Your future is up to you!
Surviving Divorce After 20 Or 30 Years Of Marriage
When we have been married 20 or 30 or more years, it usually takes us longer to accept the reality that our marriage is over. Most of us thought if we made it that long, we would be good to go for the rest of our lives. Or we expected a miracle of reconciliation that never happened.
Getting over a midlife or late life divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be the most challenging and frustrating experience you ever face in life. But the truth is, learning the lessons involved in getting over divorce can also be the most powerful and positive life lessons you ever learn. (Read about the stages of divorce recovery).
You Can Do It!
If we don’t accept our divorce…and refuse to get help…and don’t take action to move on, healing after divorce will never happen. The best way to get over divorce is to embrace the life you have this very moment and surround yourself with people and resources that will help you make the journey to your very best life.
We just have this one unpredictable, but very precious, life. After divorce, If you keep taking those steps forward, you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams, REALLY!
So when you ask yourself, “How do I get over divorce?” Remember that getting over divorce is completely up to you. It’s your future, and you determine what it will be. Decide to shine your unique and beautiful light in every way you can after divorce. You can make your life amazing and wonderful and every other glorious thing you can think of! We’re here to help.
Thanks for the helpful words Cory …. I hope you get joint custody … I know you have heard this probably as much as I have but time will heal …I know one thing it’s good to talk instead of bottling it up …. All the best as well
I have been married for 31 years. My husband has been unfaithful 4 times that I know of.
I finally said enough. I have started the divorce process. He knows I mean it this time. I am letting go of a false dream I had. My husband is very self-centered and has many narcissistic traits. I have stayed with him hoping that he would change. I have a 28 year old daughter who hates her father for what he has done to me, her and to our entire family. The pain everyone in the posts is experiencing is real and yes I feel that it won’t go away any time soon. I am trying to rebuild my life at 62. I am very fortunate because I am supported by incredible family and friends. I am so grateful for that. I just want to feel that I am doing the right thing and that I will be happy again someday.
My wife and I are in the process of a divorce now. Married 14 years, together for 18 months before that. We’ve both been incredibly mean to each other over the years. We had basically been apart for 3 or 4 years under the same roof. We either lived in separate bedrooms or on separate levels of the house. At certain points in our marriage we would go months without being intimate (once it was over 14 months). She accused me twice of having affairs (once with a woman in Los Angeles and another time with a woman in new zealand). We live on the east coast so it wasn’t happening. Finally, it did end up happening. I did have an affair. I just wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me. I needed to feel something with another person. We tried marriage counseling but she lied repeatedly to the counsellor and when I would call her out about it, she’d just dismiss it I ended up taking a new job (big promotion, big pay raise) out of town. The day after I left for the new gig, she moved her mom into the house that I paid cash for. After I found out she had liquidated all my stock.options and stole a check made out to me from my father’s estate, I finally filed for divorce. That was the end of the line. I just couldn’t take it anymore. She calls daily to complain about everything. Now she’s telling me how she’ll nevery retire and she’s destitute (she’s ending up with over $1 million in assets and a fully paid off house). She’s complaining that the $80k per year in maintemance isnt enough. Blah blah blah. I’m so mentally worn down. I feel bad about the… Read more »
I have been with my husband for 13 years, we have two beautiful kids. I am thinking of getting a devorse because he has a drug addiction and this morning I woke up once again to find that he never came to bed and left durinv the night. Ive left him so many times and always run back when he begs and cries but i just cant do it anymore. Its breaking me apart because of all the lies that come with drug use. There is apsolutely no more trust. He keeps losing he’s jobs and then I must live with he’s depression and hatred towards everyone and everything. The part that really brakes me is that he was such a wonderful man until he started using 3 years ago. He doesnt think he needs rehab and I just feel that the choice lies with him and so far its only been broken promises and very frustrating. I am just so scared of being alone, we met when I was only 19 and now my life is falling apart because of he’s choices. Sorry just needed to let it out lol
Never say never. I was never going to be divorced. I was never going to trust him/her again. Just say I did marry him/her. I did love him/her (after ?? years), and I do want him or her to be happy even if I can’t live with them. If you’ve lost yourself along the way: you will be miserable. How did you lose yourself, and really is that all their fault? I think, hardly not. It still hurts tremendously to go through a divorce with someone you once loved, probably still do, in some aspect. It’s like a death in the family, may take years to heal. We feel some sick need to punish them for our ego, our hurts. But stop and consider in this process what hurt you may have caused on their behalf and own it. As long as you understand your roll in the relationship Even if you where involved with a narcissist, you where involved. You donated your time and energy and love trying to convince somebody: what that you were worth it? Why did you stay at a bad party that long? Why didn’t you assert yourself earlier? Now you have to ask yourself why didn’t I assert myself for my basic needs? For love, for friendship for basic communication without recrimination? Did you feel unworthy if you did not comply to your spouse for their wishes above your own? To heal we must look within, not without. Through divorce we must ask ourselves how we took on this victim role: frankly, in which we participated. We are angry, we are hurt, we blame them, and more so ourselves. We should have seen this coming. We tried to fix it. I worked so hard at it, etc., etc., etc. When it’s over, it’s finally… Read more »
I was married for 12 years and dated for five. It wasn’t until my children turned the ages of 5 and 3 did things really start to not make sense anymore. My husband always had a fascination with porn and watched it regularly. It always made me feel horrible about myself, but I never spoke up about it. One day I was home cleaning and he came in from work and said to me “If you ever want to sleep with someone else go ahead and do it. I would be ok with it. I just want to know”. This floored me. I was a working mother of two girls and not for a second did this cross my mind. I was just trying to get by day to day and keep up with the house, work, etc. I thought “that’s really odd”. After multiple suggestions to me of taking such an action, I started thinking something was wrong with ME because I did not have this desire. A guy I knew began flirting with me HEAVY not long after this. He was married too! This added to my “what’s wrong with me” feeling. WEre all married people sleeping around on each other? I became convinced that was the case,and I was so much better off that I knew that my husband cheated on me because all of my friends were clearly in the dark. I KNEW they were being cheated on too. I made the awful mistake of sleeping with this guy. I mean at the time… Whey the hell not? My husband was telling me too! I felt like a complete, utter disguisting human being. This went against all of my morals. Why and how did I get talked into such sickness? Nonetheless, I did. After confessing the… Read more »
[…] have been possible before my divorce. That’s all hard to accept when you are in the middle of grieving your losses. But once you get a little farther out, you can start to see the potential in the future instead of […]
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Reading through all of these stories I see I’m not alone and feel for everyone of you. I was married 33 years, My ex started cheating on me after the 25th anniversary that I know of. We separated for several months, I took him back which was my first mistake. The last seven years were a roller coaster. He finally told me to move out, he needed to get on with his life without me. He had lied to me when buying his mothers home, he stated that it had to be in his name only. Therefore, I got nothing. I do have a good job and was able to buy my own home. I have 3 wonderful sons, a sister, my parents and a good friend that help me tremendously. However, the hurt and paid are still there. I cry nightly, and feel like a loser. He of course, is leading a wonderful life, dating, partying. I know I need to move on myself. Its just so hard.
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