If you’re anywhere in the divorce process, you know that getting over divorce is a lot harder and much more complicated than you thought it would be. Even though the journey of divorce recovery is different for everyone, I’ve never met anyone who thought it was easy. You probably thought you’d be feeling better by now. Months, and even years, later you’re still struggling with how to get over a failed marriage.
Sometimes early on, figuring out how to move on after divorce is not the real question. The actual questions when you’re devastated by divorce are: “Can I really survive divorce? How long can I endure this heartache? How can I actually feel this broken and still keep breathing?” Sometimes you wonder if life is worth the pain.
People who have not been through divorce DO NOT understand how difficult and long the process can be. You’re trying to put on a good show, but deep down you’re really struggling with healing after your divorce. Figuring out how to get over a divorce after a long marriage is even more challenging. Everything you thought your life was going to be is gone!
Hopefully, you’re also saying “I am not going to let this divorce defeat me! I want my life back! I need help! I am going to get over this divorce! I am not going to let this divorce destroy my life!”
After many years of helping women figure out how to get through a divorce, I recommend three vital steps to to get started:
- Step One: Accept the Divorce
- Step Two: Ask for help to move forward
- Step Three: Take action to move on
Why can’t I stop obsessing over this divorce? Why did he do that? Why didn’t I do this? What are he and his girlfriend doing now?
Step One: Accept The Divorce
When you’re trying to figure out how to accept your divorce, you often obsess about these questions:
- Why did he stop loving me?
- Why didn’t I see that he wasn’t happy?
- How could I have done better?
- What are he and his girlfriend doing now?
- I wanted the divorce, why am I so sad?
- How can you deal with divorce when you’re still in love?
- How do I accept a divorce I don’t want and didn’t cause and never thought would happen to me?
We keep obsessing: “This isn’t fair! I hate being divorced! This is not how my life is supposed to turn out!” Those thoughts may be true, but the first step toward healing after divorce is fully accepting our divorce. We have to get clear mentally: “I am getting divorced,” or “I am divorced.” That is our new reality.
Most women try to desperately deny that truth as long as we can. We know in our head that our divorce is really happening, but it takes our heart longer to catch up. We sometimes try to deny the divorce by keeping ties to our ex in unhealthy ways.
When we are focused on how to get through a divorce emotionally, our ex-husband may try to keep his foot in the door of our life by wanting to be our friend, or offering to fix the sink, or as one RADiCAL woman revealed, by sending her flowers and candy saying that he still loved her.
Many men, out of guilt or wanting control, mess with our hearts like that. Another word for that is abuse! Being divorced means you both have to accept the natural consequences of divorce. Women say to me, “This divorce is killing me emotionally!” Getting your ex or soon-to-be ex out of your life as much as possible helps you heal after divorce. Don’t let him take up emotional space in your head and in your heart that should be focused on you, your children and your future.
If you have children, managing relations with your ex is almost always a challenge. My advice is usually the less interaction the better. Communicating through text or email helps. Keeping the boundaries clear and following the court-ordered parenting plan helps, too. Of course, flexibility is always good when it comes to working out the minefield of kids’ stuff after divorce.
Acknowledge Feelings & Mourn
Part of accepting your divorce is being honest about how much this hurts, and giving yourself permission to grieve. Our culture doesn’t have any rituals to grieve divorce. Hollywood and the media pretend it’s “no big deal” to divorce. Movie stars do “conscious uncoupling” and they are “better friends than ever!” Real life divorce doesn’t usually work like that. In overcoming divorce there is usually sobbing, screaming, fear, pain and you do our best to end up in one piece!
Regardless of how long you were together or how the divorce happened, you still have to grieve what you wanted your marriage to be, what you hoped your marriage would be and how much time, energy and love you committed to your marriage. Those are huge losses worth grieving!
Friends and family who encourage you to “Just forget about him!” Or say, “You’re better off without him” Or “Just get over it!” have most likely never been divorced and don’t know how complicated and devastating divorce can be.
Have Self Compassion & Remember You Are Valuable
Often during divorce, our spouse is busy trying to make everything wrong in the marriage our fault. Even bad choices on his part are somehow our responsibility. “If you had been more of this or less of that, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.”
Don’t buy into that! We each have to take responsibility for our own actions. Do not be bullied into taking responsibility for your ex’s destructive decisions. Don’t let anyone destroy your confidence and self-esteem.
Also, give yourself some grace as you go through the process. Don’t expect yourself to be “on top of your game” during divorce. At times, most of us are a mess and full of self-doubt, so be kind to yourself, and be patient with the process of healing and moving on.
Recognize What’s Done Is Done
Everyone who is trying to answer that question, “How do I get through a divorce?” has to realize that the past is past. At some point you have to say to yourself the same thing my older brother said to me: “I know this isn’t fair. You didn’t want this. You tried to prevent this. But this is where you are. Are you going to stay in this pit of despair or are you going to let God show you what he has planned for you moving forward? It’s your choice.”
Step Two: Ask For Help To Move Forward
Divorce is a very isolated, lonely journey. After divorce and our last child left for college, it was the first time I had ever lived alone. I felt like I was all alone at home in my sweats while everyone else was at a party. Everywhere I looked, I saw families and couples together. During and after divorce those intimate connections were gone.
Especially during midlife and late life divorce, so many other things are changing for us. Our bodies are changing; our careers may be slowing down; our kids are leaving home; our parents may need us more. All adding to the loneliness and isolation after divorce. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Talk To Friends
During divorce, I’m sorry to say, we ourselves have to reach out to friends, family, church groups, neighbors and anyone else…even old friends we haven’t talked to in a while. But remember this, too: If any person or group makes you feel worse after being around them, take a pause until you are ready for their company again.
Sometimes, we don’t need advice as much as having them listen and not being judgmental. Maybe you need someone to get your mind off of the divorce, and you don’t want to talk about the divorce at all. Tell your friends and relatives who are supportive exactly what you need when you’re going through divorce. They want to help, but they usually don’t know how.
Talk To A Therapist
Divorce is a huge life disruption on so many levels. Divorce creates more change in our life than just about anything else that could happen to us. All of those major life changes coming at once is terrifying, exhausting and difficult to process alone. Finding a helpful therapist or counselor can be a solid place to start figuring out how to get through a divorce emotionally.
Find A Divorce Support Group
Finding a support group is also often recommended by therapists. Find a group of people who actually know how your heart is hurting. Since my first RADiCAL group, I have realized how important it is to have soul-sisters who understand. In our MDRcommunity you can say anything without fear of it getting back to friends or family. And it’s available 24/7 365 days a year! Read below what women had to say about being in our group of RADiCAL Women:
“Just having a safe place to vent is a Godsend. Little gems of truth from the MDR sisters have helped me with my healing – I don’t know where I’d be without them.”
“Having this forum has truly been a life saver for me. I’ve come here happy and sad, when I’m the latter, my fellow sisters have picked me up and talked me back to reality. They are the backbone of my road to healthy.”
“Glad you are here, I specifically came here just now because I am having a sad day, crying my eyes out. No need to be sorry, so very glad we can come here and express our feelings. This too shall pass…”
Step Three: Take Action To Move On
I know getting through divorce is a torturous, confusing road. Start with baby steps. It’s a process. Don’t look too far into the future. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to get closer to the life I deserve? In the beginning, take small concrete actions that will start you on the road to your best life after divorce.
When you first wake up every morning, be thankful. Say, “Thank you that I made it through the night.” Add five new things to your list every morning, “Thank you for my eyes. Thank you that I can walk into the kitchen and have something good to eat. Thank you for coffee.” This simple attitude of gratitude is profound in bringing about healing in your heart.
All through the day, focus on taking small (but really, really important) steps forward. Before you do something, ask yourself, “will this move me forward or does this keep me stuck in the divorce pit of bitterness and pain?”
Invest in yourself. Get the resources you need…like coming to this site. That’s a positive step in the right direction. You’ll get help and encouragement and tools to keep getting RADiCAL (Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love!). Having a road map to guide you on “next steps” takes the pressure off of you trying to figure it all out yourself.
Maintain A Routine
Your number one priority: Taking care of yourself. Divorce is mentally and physically exhausting and overwhelming. When divorce first happens, most of the time you are barely getting through the day, so making the commitment to take care of YOU during and after divorce is job #1!
Start with our Survival Six – the six things you need to be doing to get your feet on the floor every single day. Put that “Survival Six Morning Action Plan” on your bathroom mirror and do those six things everyday! We’ve had people tell us that Survival Six literally saved their life!
Take Care Of Yourself Physically
Do the basic things you need to do to stay healthy physically. Simple things our mothers told us to do. Since most of us find ourselves on the ‘The Divorce Diet, we don’t eat like we should. We aren’t sleeping well. I ended up in the E.R. once because I was dehydrated. It helps to have healthy, east-to-fix, simple-to-eat foods around that you can snack on all day.
Celebrate the small victories. Try to get out in the sun everyday. Get your heart rate up every day for at least 20 minutes. Breathe deeply, Stay connected. Practice good sleep rituals. Smile. Stand up straight, put your shoulders back and stride. Remember, you can do things that make you feel better. DO THEM!
While we’re in it, divorce dominates our thinking. It’s in our face all the time. All of the huge decisions, records to gather, figuring out the money, deciding where we’re going to live, staying focused at work, being there for the children…can add up to getting physically sick or have a nervous breakdown.
Try the “Stop and Swap” model. I love the way it’s explained in the book, Enough Dammit! by Karen Salmansohn. When your divorce takes you to a place of misery, pain and fear, immediately send your thoughts anywhere else. Pray. Imagine your favorite fishing spot. Clean something. Get outside. Get totally in the present moment…the only moment you can do anything about.
During divorce, it is important to learn or re-learn about The Power of Positive Thinking, a concept made famous by Norman Vincent Peale in 1952. The book is one of the most widely read books of all time. As difficult as it is to be positive about anything when you’re going through divorce, you can learn to do it. When we think positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts we attract more positive things in our lives. Negativity breeds more negativity. Like one of our experts recommends, train your mind to find something positive in every situation.
Tread Cautiously With New Relationships
Often when we are struggling with low self esteem and loneliness during and after divorce, some people might suggest that we start dating or trying to find someone new. Do not feel pressured to start any new romantic relationships until you have done the grieving and healing work you need to do after divorce! Period!
Rushing into new relationships when we are vulnerable and feeling unloved can lead to all kinds of problems. Women who are struggling to make themselves feel better after divorce often turn to food, shopping or sex. I would add another temptation to that. Alcohol. Trying to solve your problems with any of those four things often brings more pain than pleasure in the long run.
Get yourself strong before you start dating again!
How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce?
It takes different people different amounts of time to get over their divorce. You can’t get through your divorce issues today. In fact, one psychologist told me to count on one year of recovery after divorce for every five to seven years you were married! I said, “I don’t have that long! I might be dead by then!” Other professionals say that you need one month of recovery time for every year of marriage. That still seemed too long to me. (Read more about how long it should take to get over a divorce).
Will I Ever Get Over My Divorce?
Yes, you will get over your divorce, but my honest opinion is that divorce takes at least one year of serious work to get through successfully. I say a year, because part of the grieving process includes mourning all of those occasions that happen over a year: Holidays, birthdays, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and other personal, couple or family anniversaries.
Allowing yourself time to fully grieve is necessary to move forward. You simply cannot, and should not avoid mourning this loss. Only then can you really move forward. Grief has its own schedule. Be patient.
The most important step to divorce recovery is when you realize that YOU CAN get over your divorce. Your ex husband doesn’t control you. He is not in charge of your happiness. You are. Whatever happens in the rest of your life is your choice. You decide whether to spend your days being bitter and angry, or to find things to celebrate and be thankful for every day.
When we’re on this journey, we decide if you’re going to get out of bed every morning and find something productive to do, or if we’re going to stay in bed in an emotional and physical funk all day. So get in your head that getting over divorce means taking personal control, and taking responsibility for your life. Your future is up to you!
Surviving Divorce After 20 Or 30 Years Of Marriage
When we have been married 20 or 30 or more years, it usually takes us longer to accept the reality that our marriage is over. Most of us thought if we made it that long, we would be good to go for the rest of our lives. Or we expected a miracle of reconciliation that never happened.
Getting over a midlife or late life divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be the most challenging and frustrating experience you ever face in life. But the truth is, learning the lessons involved in getting over divorce can also be the most powerful and positive life lessons you ever learn. (Read about the stages of divorce recovery).
You Can Do It!
If we don’t accept our divorce…and refuse to get help…and don’t take action to move on, healing after divorce will never happen. The best way to get over divorce is to embrace the life you have this very moment and surround yourself with people and resources that will help you make the journey to your very best life.
We just have this one unpredictable, but very precious, life. After divorce, If you keep taking those steps forward, you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams, REALLY!
So when you ask yourself, “How do I get over divorce?” Remember that getting over divorce is completely up to you. It’s your future, and you determine what it will be. Decide to shine your unique and beautiful light in every way you can after divorce. You can make your life amazing and wonderful and every other glorious thing you can think of! We’re here to help.
My husband left me in January 2020 for another woman. It was a complete shock after 36 years of marriage and a very successful business 2 great kids and a great lifestyle. He was obsessed with keeping fit but I had no idea he was unhappy with our relationship.
He didn’t like to talk about emotions and so we just carried on with our busy lives. I am grieving for the retirement I thought we would have together. I doesn’t seem fair. He has just walked away to his new life. I have no idea if he’s happy but he doesn’t contact me even though he said he would always be there for me. It’s a living nightmare and now with the self-isolation due to coronavirus I can’t socialise.
I have counselling and some great friends who I speak to by phone. I am trying to stay positive but I can’t see a future for me.
Well, I was married for 32 years and of the last 5, well, he was never home, always drinking with alcohol stashed in his car, is desk at work, his shop, you name it. He had an affair early in the marriage and dumb me believed him when he said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. We had two wonderful kids who I didn’t want to shuffle back and forth so I waited till they were both engaged and told them that I wanted out. They had been urging me to get out for years with his haranging verbal abuse and laziness. So the kids backed my decision. I told him in front of them to protect myself. We got through all that, now it is 10 years later. I’m remarried to a wonderful man. The kids live far away from me, I don’t give a hoot about the ex, but I mourn over no shared holidays, Christmas, Thanksgivings, birthdays, with my kids and I mourn that I cannot see and be with my grandkids often enough. Sure you say there is face time and all that, but not the same as hugging and loving on a little wriggling body and reading them a bedtime story. I cannot seem to get over the loss of the “perfect” holidays we used to have as a family and i sometimes think I’m just stupid for not moving on. But each holiday brings that longing and hurt back. I look back and think, “Oh, I should have done this, I should have done that.” and none of this would have happend. How do to get past this. Good Grief, 10 years later for heavens sake
Thanks for telling me that it would at least take us a year before we’re able to get through the divorce process successfully. Letting go of a husband I dearly love is definitely hard for me, but I can’t stay under the same roof with him knowing that he cheated on me. I just hope that I’ll be able to consult an expert in family law soon so this would be over quickly.
Thank you for this blog. So incredible to see that I am not alone. My story is – married for 16 years, separated for 4. Had some good times up until about year 10. Kids were 5 and 7. Some suspected infidelity but more roommate syndrome. Not a lot of communication, never went out together, no teamwork with our family. Said kids don’t define him. That I knew he was who he was when we married. He didn’t like my friends so he didn’t want to go out together. Fast forward through money issues, foreclosure and confirmed cheating. We moved in with relatives and things didn’t change until one day we went to counseling. He decided then it would be “too much work” and moved out 6 months later. Only filed 6 months ago. Why would he wait four years to file? 2.5 years into our separation he had a health scare and called me to rush to the ER. And told me how he had been a jerk during our marriage. I really thought that was his come to Jesus moment and he was going to step up. 7 months later he talked about filing again. It wasn’t until 8 months after that I was finally served with papers. I feel as though he was waiting to date/fall in love with someone new to actually file. For someone to push him over the edge and hold his hand through it all. Part of me is so angry about the fact that he doesn’t see the kids (a few times a year now) and that his true colors are showing. This helps with thinking it was all me. But part of me still wants the opportunity to at least try . We never got that chance, as though he never… Read more »
So I am commenting only to give hope to all of you.Why? Because I have been in your shoes.Background,man married 21 years with 2 young sons.My wife and I literally had idea marriage good job nice home etc.She began Internet affairs emotionally and physically. I found this out and was devastated. We ultimately ended divorced. I was lost and went thru the phases like many of you .Several years later it was like a light bulb went off and I accepted the divorce.After dating different women I met a woman I fell in love with and amazingly it has been better than my first marriage. So advice is give yourself time and get out it can get better!
really love that u didnt take sides and made everything the wrong, the husbands fault! if the husband or rather ex husband, says he ‘loves’ u to the partner he has lived with for a decade, that is abuse! wow! i think u need to work out your own sexism issues before writing anything else