Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences you can imagine in a marriage, it is a violation of your vows that you took in front of family and friends. It can be one of the most challenging and damaging emotional events in life, the pain that is created from not just the act, but the deception is nearly unbearable. The more trust you have in someone, the more painful it is when you find out it happened.
What happens when you find out your husband didn’t cheat with your friend, a co-worker or had a one-night stand, but he was cheating on you with prostitutes, does that make it worse? I attended an infidelity conference with my now ex-husband and as we all shared our stories there were woman whose husbands cheated once, husbands who cheated for years, husbands who cheated with a random person and husbands who cheated with prostitutes. We were all feeling pain, there was no comparing “My husband’s cheating was worse than your husband’s cheating”, we were all in it together. However, finding out your husband is cheating with prostitutes is perhaps a “little” extra kick in the stomach because you feel like maybe you should have seen the signs. You may also wonder if your marriage can survive.
Signs Your Husband Cheated With Prostitutes
It may not be obvious that your husband is cheating with an escort, but the following signs may be indicators that it’s happening, especially if multiple signs are present.
The average rate of a sex worker is about $260 per hours with some as high as $1000+ an hour. If your husband is cheating on you with prostitutes, the money to pay for them has to come from somewhere and this isn’t just his money, this is your joint money that he is spending on sex.
Credit Card Charges
- Hotel charges when he wasn’t traveling.
- Pharmaceutical companies (men will often use online pharmaceutical companies purchase Viagra rather than going to a family doctor).
- Prepaid MasterCard and VISA gift cards are becoming more popular for sex workers to accept. You might find these lumped in with grocery store or gas station charges.
- Miscellaneous charges for things you didn’t receive. Many men will purchase a small gift for prostitutes if it is their first meeting or if they frequent the same prostitute.
Checking Account Withdrawals
Cash is the preferred way for prostitutes to be paid, this works best for them and there is no paper trail. If you notice an increased number of withdraws for a large sum of money or several smaller withdraws over a period of days, this could be a red flag if monthly is not usually withdrawn.
He Smells Differently
My ex-husband wore cologne almost every day, but most of the time he would come home from work not smelling good or bad, just neutral as his cologne had worn off. There are times now I can recall that he smelled different, not like another woman, but he smelled freshly showered. Little did I know he had a bag in his office that had extra deodorant and cologne in it. Other things to pay attention to:
- He smells like an unfamiliar soap or deodorant. If he showered at a hotel, he would most likely use their soaps giving him a different scent than what you are used to at home.
- He smells like perfume. Most men are going to be aware that they smell like another woman, but there is a chance he doesn’t smell her scent on him or his clothes or his jacket. After all, women have more cells in the olfactory bulb making us better at sniffing things out.
He Visits Escort Websites
One of the largest escort websites was shut down in April, 2019 making escorts have to get more creative on where they advertise. When looking for questionable website visits, it might not be as obvious as www.escorts.com, but rather look at frequent visits to the same site over and over, or websites with words that contain: girls, adult, guide, list, directory or agency in the name.
Clearing Search History and Cookies
I never found inappropriate websites that my ex-husband was looking at, but what I found should have been a sign for me. He would clear his search history and he would clear the cookies on his laptop. There were times when I would ask to use his computer rather than having to get my laptop out because his was already on the counter. He would oblige, but always would turn it on and log in for me, spending a few extra minutes clicking around. If you notice the search history is always cleared, this is a big red flag.
Cell Phone Usage
He is more protective of his cell phone, not letting you use it to check the weather or look at his photos without watching you closely when you are using it.
You find him on his phone more often and more secretive when he is using it, looking at it in other rooms or is more protective of his screen when you are close by.
New Apps on his phone: There are apps that allow text messages and calls to come in without the phone ringing or chiming with a text message. These usually go to an email address or an App such as Burner. This is a secretive way to communicate with prostitutes without you seeing any trace on the cell phone bill.
Prepaid or burner cell phones can easily be purchased from any cellphone provider and used by many men who don’t want to risk a call or text coming into their personal phone. These can also be purchased on Amazon and stores like Wal-Mart and Target.
Feeling Like You’re Not Good Enough
The average age of prostitutes in the United States is between 24-29. Most prostitutes are beautiful, young, have perky breasts and killer bodies that most women (thanks to society) long to have. The night I found the text message on my husband’s phone that lead to me finding out the truth about the years of infidelity, I googled the phone number and what popped up on the screen was a beautiful twenty-something year old “girl” that looked like she could have been plucked out of a magazine. I have had self-esteem issues since I was a teenager and always questioned if I had a nice body and now questioned it even more.
Body Image Issues: Your body has changed since you got married, you had kids, you got the great job that takes more of your time so there is less time for the gym. It is very common for you to feel inadequate when you find out your husband has been cheating with a prostitute.
Stop comparing yourself: This is hard NOT to do. But you need to remember this is not about you or your body, this is about him.
Life happens! You might have children, busy jobs, or just the hustle and bustle of life that leads to exhaustion that leads to less sex in the bedroom. However, signs that it might be because he is cheating:
- He suddenly starts showing less interest in you physically, including kissing.
- He denies you when you initiate sex
- He wants to shower before you are intimate
- When you are intimate, he wants it to be quick and there is less passion than there has been between the two of you in the past.
It is important that if you find out your husband has been cheating on you with prostitutes that you immediately get tested for STDs.
Why Do Married Men Use Prostitutes
This is a great question with a lot of answers and too many reasons to list. The reality is that each man has his own reasons for cheating with prostitutes. One that was true for my husband and for many men is that there was no emotional attachment, it was purely a financial transaction for sex that he felt he could walk away from without a woman falling in love with him, without a woman texting him in the middle of the night, basically without any consequences. There of course are other reasons men choose to cheat with prostitutes:
- They have low self-esteem and they love the way a prostitute makes them feel wanted.
- They have fantasies they want to fulfill in the bedroom, and they are too afraid to approach their wife with the suggestions.
- They truly have a sex addiction and they love not just the physical act of the sex but the thrill of seeking it, looking forward to it and keeping it a secret.
So Now What?
I became obsessed with my husband’s experiences with prostitutes and I can tell you that it was not healthy, it only hindered me in my healing process. I began looking at the calendar and figuring out dates he had met them, like the day after we arrived home from a vacation or the day I went on a hike with one of my girlfriends. I looked at their photos and studied their bodies wondering why he liked her butt more than mine, I even asked him about sex with them wanting to know specifics; he obliged and told me but that only hurt me more. So, you are asking now, how do I cope? The answer my friend, is time. You need to go through the grieving process and feel each and every ones of those steps. You can’t change it, even though you want to, you can’t go into the past and change it or forget it happened because it did. Unfortunately, you also can’t fast-forward out of your pain because the only way to get to the other side is through it. Let yourself feel grief:
- You eventually will make it to Acceptance, it just takes time.
We can all say “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” but how does that benefit us? Looking back, yes there might be signs that your husband was cheating on you with prostitutes, but you love and trusted this person and were most likely giving him the benefit of the doubt and you can’t beat yourself up about that. You will get through this, one day at a time.
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years. We have a toddler. I found out last year that he has been cheating on me with an escort and at the time it seems like it was more than a business transaction. He knew so much about her personal life. He made up lies about how he met this hooker. Only until recently he finally admits that the woman is a hooker. He has not seen this woman for six months and recently decided in the spurt of the moment that he wanted to see her again. He said within the 6 months they contact each other during their birthdays and that was it. I have always felt that I couldn’t trust him because he is unwilling to share location and passcode to his phone. Now he is willing to even go to counseling and willingly share location. When I first found out, it seemed like things were really over but him not sharing location, shows that he wasn’t all in to work on our marriage. I don’t trust him fully. I don’t know if we can survive this.
Well good on you…after 26yrs years of marriage which I actually thought were going okay
I find out he’s been cheating on me with prostitutes for YEARS how stupid and naive do I feel
I’ve ended the marriage even though I never wanted to. I knew I wouldnt cope going forward.
I’ve been together with my husband for 23 years. I Found out my husband had been cheating with escorts, visiting brothels, and Thai massage parlours. Initially denied it, then admitted it after I found hard evidence. He apologised and said he will do anything to stay with him and promised he would never do it again. He regrets what he had done. He would tell me everything that has happened. He said it wasn’t often he went and it was for only for a hand job and a back massge as he has always suffered back pain, visiting only twice year then changed it to 4 times. But my instincts told me he wasn’t telling me the full truth. As He has been lying though out the marriage. ( gas lighting me ) Eventually I downloaded his mobile phone calls and went through the call list expanding over the years and The numbers matched the escorts on the website, It was heartbreaking to find so many numbers and calls that were made in one day 5-7 times day and every 2 -3 days apart he would call. I caught him out Lying again. I asked why did he do it. He said it was lust, Curiosity, revenge, frustration, anger and because he could do ( entitled) I asked how long has this been going on for ? Initially he told me 3 yrs then change to 4 yrs. his lies keeps changing. He kept changing his mind what he wanted to tell me. He Promised he will change. I said I would think about it and we need to do a trial separation and show me you are remorseful. He agreed to what I asked for and he moved out. We tried to Co-parent the kids. However, during separation, I… Read more »
Further to my previous post, my counselling was with a male psychotherapist and well trained in a lot of areas. He diagnosed me with post betrayal truma and PTSD He said straight away my husband was a textbook narcissist. Cluster b personality disorder and borderline. Very entitled, he will carry on cheating as he couldn’t stopped himself from going to these brothels and escorts for many years. Unless he is willing to change it would be very big commitment and it has to be him that makes the arrangements and not us. As it has to come from him genuinely wanting the change. He would a need to attend 10 step program for rehabilitation for sobriety should it work. And I was warned, I would need to be prepared that he may still have some days where he say slip up and I will have to be prepared for that. I gave my husband half year a chance to find help and support and he did not look for the support. My boundaries were violated and I allowed my husband to control me throughout the marriage and disrespect me. He has no self respect, integrity or dignity for himself and he won’t have any for me. His love was artificial and he told me what I wanted to hear that was facade…He would not have shared his body with someone else if he had truly cared about my feelings and would not think about hurting me. If any real man loved you he would honour his vows. I was very confused when I found out he cheated. But now that fog has cleared. I will not allow him to abuse and hurt me gain. I have filed for divorce. with many posts I have read. There is a difficult decision… Read more »