Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences you can imagine in a marriage, it is a violation of your vows that you took in front of family and friends. It can be one of the most challenging and damaging emotional events in life, the pain that is created from not just the act, but the deception is nearly unbearable. The more trust you have in someone, the more painful it is when you find out it happened.
What happens when you find out your husband didn’t cheat with your friend, a co-worker or had a one-night stand, but he was cheating on you with prostitutes, does that make it worse? I attended an infidelity conference with my now ex-husband and as we all shared our stories there were woman whose husbands cheated once, husbands who cheated for years, husbands who cheated with a random person and husbands who cheated with prostitutes. We were all feeling pain, there was no comparing “My husband’s cheating was worse than your husband’s cheating”, we were all in it together. However, finding out your husband is cheating with prostitutes is perhaps a “little” extra kick in the stomach because you feel like maybe you should have seen the signs.
Signs Your Husband Cheated With Prostitutes
It may not be obvious that your husband is cheating with an escort, but the following signs may be indicators that it’s happening, especially if multiple signs are present.
Money
The average rate of a sex worker is about $260 per hours with some as high as $1000+ an hour. If your husband is cheating on you with prostitutes, the money to pay for them has to come from somewhere and this isn’t just his money, this is your joint money that he is spending on sex.
Credit Card Charges
- Hotel charges when he wasn’t traveling.
- Pharmaceutical companies (men will often use online pharmaceutical companies purchase Viagra rather than going to a family doctor).
- Prepaid MasterCard and VISA gift cards are becoming more popular for sex workers to accept. You might find these lumped in with grocery store or gas station charges.
- Miscellaneous charges for things you didn’t receive. Many men will purchase a small gift for prostitutes if it is their first meeting or if they frequent the same prostitute.
- Florists
- Jewelry
Checking Account Withdrawals
Cash is the preferred way for prostitutes to be paid, this works best for them and there is no paper trail. If you notice an increased number of withdraws for a large sum of money or several smaller withdraws over a period of days, this could be a red flag if monthly is not usually withdrawn.
He Smells Differently
My ex-husband wore cologne almost every day, but most of the time he would come home from work not smelling good or bad, just neutral as his cologne had worn off. There are times now I can recall that he smelled different, not like another woman, but he smelled freshly showered. Little did I know he had a bag in his office that had extra deodorant and cologne in it. Other things to pay attention to:
- He smells like an unfamiliar soap or deodorant. If he showered at a hotel, he would most likely use their soaps giving him a different scent than what you are used to at home.
- He smells like perfume. Most men are going to be aware that they smell like another woman, but there is a chance he doesn’t smell her scent on him or his clothes or his jacket. After all, women have more cells in the olfactory bulb making us better at sniffing things out.
He Visits Escort Websites
One of the largest escort websites was shut down in April, 2019 making escorts have to get more creative on where they advertise. When looking for questionable website visits, it might not be as obvious as www.escorts.com, but rather look at frequent visits to the same site over and over, or websites with words that contain: girls, adult, guide, list, directory or agency in the name.
Clearing Search History and Cookies
I never found inappropriate websites that my ex-husband was looking at, but what I found should have been a sign for me. He would clear his search history and he would clear the cookies on his laptop. There were times when I would ask to use his computer rather than having to get my laptop out because his was already on the counter. He would oblige, but always would turn it on and log in for me, spending a few extra minutes clicking around. If you notice the search history is always cleared, this is a big red flag.
Cell Phone Usage
He is more protective of his cell phone, not letting you use it to check the weather or look at his photos without watching you closely when you are using it.
You find him on his phone more often and more secretive when he is using it, looking at it in other rooms or is more protective of his screen when you are close by.
New Apps on his phone: There are apps that allow text messages and calls to come in without the phone ringing or chiming with a text message. These usually go to an email address or an App such as Burner. This is a secretive way to communicate with prostitutes without you seeing any trace on the cell phone bill.
Prepaid or burner cell phones can easily be purchased from any cellphone provider and used by many men who don’t want to risk a call or text coming into their personal phone. These can also be purchased on Amazon and stores like Wal-Mart and Target.
Feeling Like You’re Not Good Enough
Feeling Unattractive
The average age of prostitutes in the United States is between 24-29. Most prostitutes are beautiful, young, have perky breasts and killer bodies that most women (thanks to society) long to have. The night I found the text message on my husband’s phone that lead to me finding out the truth about the years of infidelity, I googled the phone number and what popped up on the screen was a beautiful twenty-something year old “girl” that looked like she could have been plucked out of a magazine. I have had self-esteem issues since I was a teenager and always questioned if I had a nice body and now questioned it even more.
Body Image Issues: Your body has changed since you got married, you had kids, you got the great job that takes more of your time so there is less time for the gym. It is very common for you to feel inadequate when you find out your husband has been cheating with a prostitute.
Stop comparing yourself: This is hard NOT to do. But you need to remember this is not about you or your body, this is about him.
Less Sex
Life happens! You might have children, busy jobs, or just the hustle and bustle of life that leads to exhaustion that leads to less sex in the bedroom. However, signs that it might be because he is cheating:
- He suddenly starts showing less interest in you physically, including kissing.
- He denies you when you initiate sex
- He wants to shower before you are intimate
- When you are intimate, he wants it to be quick and there is less passion than there has been between the two of you in the past.
It is important that if you find out your husband has been cheating on you with prostitutes that you immediately get tested for STDs.
Why Do Married Men Use Prostitutes
This is a great question with a lot of answers and too many reasons to list. The reality is that each man has his own reasons for cheating with prostitutes. One that was true for my husband and for many men is that there was no emotional attachment, it was purely a financial transaction for sex that he felt he could walk away from without a woman falling in love with him, without a woman texting him in the middle of the night, basically without any consequences. There of course are other reasons men choose to cheat with prostitutes:
- They have low self-esteem and they love the way a prostitute makes them feel wanted.
- They have fantasies they want to fulfill in the bedroom, and they are too afraid to approach their wife with the suggestions.
- They truly have a sex addiction and they love not just the physical act of the sex but the thrill of seeking it, looking forward to it and keeping it a secret.
So Now What?
I became obsessed with my husband’s experiences with prostitutes and I can tell you that it was not healthy, it only hindered me in my healing process. I began looking at the calendar and figuring out dates he had met them, like the day after we arrived home from a vacation or the day I went on a hike with one of my girlfriends. I looked at their photos and studied their bodies wondering why he liked her butt more than mine, I even asked him about sex with them wanting to know specifics; he obliged and told me but that only hurt me more. So, you are asking now, how do I cope? The answer my friend, is time. You need to go through the grieving process and feel each and every ones of those steps. You can’t change it, even though you want to, you can’t go into the past and change it or forget it happened because it did. Unfortunately, you also can’t fast-forward out of your pain because the only way to get to the other side is through it. Let yourself feel grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- You eventually will make it to Acceptance, it just takes time.
We can all say “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” but how does that benefit us? Looking back, yes there might be signs that your husband was cheating on you with prostitutes, but you love and trusted this person and were most likely giving him the benefit of the doubt and you can’t beat yourself up about that. You will get through this, one day at a time.
This article is amazing. I am exactly going through same thing. Married with a family arrangement and found out that my husband has this habit from two years prior to marriage. His parents knew and supported him but I can’t accept it. Have send papers to him. But luck is luck. Lockdown happened.
But I feeling I am going into depression now. It’s very difficult to cope.
So I am going through something very similar. We have been together 18 years(two kids) For close to a year we hadn’t been doing good. Barely talking. No sex. Honestly not sure what…. just busy and life. This was just the new norm I guess. Well in November I looked at his phone(because he had been on it all the time) Found he was using the text now app to talk to prostitutes. One message asked her “ are you back in town yet” Well obviously he had met up with her. When I confronted him he admitted it. Well doubtful it was all of it. He sAid he had done it 3 times with same girl and only a BJ. We talked about how horrible our rely was. Not that was an excuse….
He promised he wouldn’t do it again. Our relationship seemed 100% better . We were spending so much time
Together and LOTS of awesome sex. (I did get checked)
Welllll….. August 7th I just had a bad gut feeling and logged
Into his email. Still seems CRAZY to me that I had that feeling and he was contacting a prostitute within minutes of me checking it. They were emailing back-and-forth about where to go and what time. Well She added her number so I text her from another number acting like I wanted an appointment. So I got her address and I went to the house. And sure as shit he was parked out front still in his car. I got there about five minutes to early. He saw my car and drove off.Tried calling me about 70 times. He completely shattered my heart that day. But once we finally sat down and talk he swore he didn’t go in but I think he would’ve. Which I do believe Because I called. That whore and asked if she’d seen him before. So super long story sorry. But we are still together that day we had a very long talk. Many talks really. He gave me every email login that he has. He also has a Life360 on his phone where that tracks where you’re at at all times. We had this on our phone already for our boys that are new drivers. (I should’ve known right away when he deactivated that because it “ran down his battery.“ ) I even have his Google account to his phone. So I could see his search history his location anything he looks up. I know this may sound extremely stocker-ish. And for a while I was checking daily. But I am getting much better at that. It’s not easy. And I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I would love any advice anyone has. Am I totally insane? We have also been going to church and for the first time probably ever we have really put God in a relationship.I can honestly say that in the 18 years we’ve been together I’ve never been this happy. It’s just different. But there still always that thought in the back of my mind if he still doing it and will he do it again. I know I’m done if he does. I pray every day that he Does the right thing when the temptation is there. Again I would love any advice from any of you…. anything.
Figured just going through the same situation. I have been married nearly 20+ years and found he is calling and texting escorts which he denies. But lately he accepted that he has been texting but does not say that he has seen them. When I try to compare the dates, I see that he has taken cash outs same days. Lately he promised will not do again but I found that he has rung some numbers. When I started to talk to him he blocked me access to his phone account, email etc. And gets angry when I try to even talk this and come to a conclusion. I have two teenage daughters and very much in stress mentally and financially due to this and current situation of the country.
You didn’t mention the possibility that a mans wife might be unattractive for physical and/or psychological reasons I. Your list of possible reasons.
Sometimes a woman just can’t provide the sexual needs of a man with an strong libido. Why do man have to make all these accusations for the femininity of women while suppressing their own masculinity?
Prostitutes provide a simple means of meeting those needs without breaking apart a marriage that is otherwise successful.
Get over it ladies and be grateful you got a man that doesn’t want to leave his family.
WOW – I couldn’t disagree more. No woman is lucky to have a man with those values and lack of morals.
Jackass! You are only calling such a marriage right for you, with no values, no morals, let’s just satisfy your basic needs. How about your poor wife, she might not be happy with your undeveloped reproductive parts but hey, there she goes, faithful and by your side so why not the same. Prostitutes are there for the same level of people to serve. If you like it so much, why not marry one then? or become a pimp. do not hurt another person who doesnt share your values or lack of them.
Disgusting
Maybe Jack’s “produce” is not that ripe and the only way he feels wanted is through prostitutes, you pay them to tell you you are winderful and “hot” you are…. LOL DELUSIONAL. See Jack, your wife is putting up with your small produce and she is hanging in there with you! She probably loves you for real and accepts you with allllll your small “imperfections”… do you ever wonder why she looks so unattractive? People start looking like the people they live with! Just saying!
Screw you!!!! U obviously don’t know anything about marriages. And husband’s being unfaithful. After 30yrs with a prostitute. My husband had no reason 2 c a prostitute he had it all with me. What he did was extremely hurtful. Im not sure yet if my marriage can survive .& if it doesn’t look out hubby!!!
This is heart breaking! In a marriage (or any relationship) ones feelings are not more important than the others and neither should have the “deal with it attitude.” If the MAN does not have any or not enough strength to be refrain from cheating and betraying his wife he really needs to evaluate the rot cause to his problem and seek help so he can behave like a man and not just claim he is one because of his genitals (a penis doesnt make a man Mr Jack) Having no self control and caving to his selfish desires certainly wont make him man. It is sad so many males just coward down and accept their weakness. Seems nowadays males are more confused withtheir own identity and responsibilities and is probably caused due to the removal of God. Let me just say its crucial to your soul you go read the bible. Men are strong and they have morals, men have integrity and lead by example always taking into consideration the ones he is leading. (“deal with it” doesnt exist with men) Life is too short for you, Mr. Jack Life is to short for you to continue to sell yourself short and choosing to be a weak male and not having standards or morales. Wake up you were callled to be a MAN, dont settle for being a BITCH!
I agree 100% with you. The bottom line is that we are another species of animals. We impose ‘morality’ on us. Biological needs still reman the same. Wise action would be to confront where required to make the situation better. There are two sides to a story. Extra-marital affair and frequenting a courtesans are entirely two issues. The latter has no emotional entanglements. At the same time, women cannot help the changes with their biology. Love, marriage, and sex are three completely different issues. If they all line-up and stay that way ‘forever’ consider yourself blessed. Talk it over and adjust. things will change and it will pass.
Jackhole: I weigh 110 lbs, I have a killer body & face, & thousands of men have desired me, sought to screw me or pick me up, BUT I avoided each of them for the sake of my HUSBAND. Yet this Husband Crook stole MY money to screw prostititutes & even had an affair while I was fully supporting him. YOU should use your brain.
Sorry madam. That is not all. If you have brains you would talk it over with him and find out the roots of the problem. You two does not appear to be compatible. If such is the case, by all means go separate ways. After all prince Charles gave up a good thing for whatever he saw in Camilla! His misfortune.
I am considered very beautiful and have a sex drive that doesn’t stop! I dress in hot outfits and love sex. He still cheated on me 3 times with prostitutes. He said they were trashy, tattooed, and looked worn. He still continued to do it while I was being super faithful. It feels like a rug is pulled from underneath you! You world falls away because of his selfishness!
Omg! I am devastated to find out my husband of 45 ya cheated on me with escorts I trusted him and now I am grieving so much and the pain is so unb!!!
Hi I have been married for 50years & my husband went off with a prostitute & was being blackmailed. I am devastated. I can’t look at him in the same way. It’s been 7 months now & I just can’t come to terms with what he has done.
I’ve been married 32 years and my husband caught syphilis from a prostitute. It nearly blinded him and he still can’t shake the disease after 2 rounds of penicillin. Somehow I never got it! Now I’m leaving him and I feel like my world is upside down.
Just found out my husband cheated on w a escort while I was in the hospital recovering from major abdominal surgery.. when I asked he lied … i had the proof… now he says he was really drunk and the lady approached him which it kinda is true but he shouldn’t of done it… I’m lost and dont know what to think
To the jack guy… men outside and men that I know are literally ready to do anything for me and with that I mean everything… I choose my husband over every one cause I loved him truly… he doesn’t work and I’m a student in uni and the money that I had he use to ask for it and say that he owes it to his mates… now I never asked any questions cause I thought it’s only money.. I was 8 months pregnant with my first child when I found a number on his phone.. thank god before confronting him I saved the number.. first I asked him he said “ it’s my mate, he’s a guy” now that sentence made it more suspicious. So I rang the number and found out that it was a prostitute and I was numb I literally blanked out I didn’t know what to do as I was going to give birth in 2-3 weeks. Later I found out that literally after our nikkah he went to one aswell and durning our marriage he was still going to them… and for him to go to them and not leave me .. I wish he had left me .. I wish didn’t waste my time, my effort and my money like that. I never divorced him cause I come from a really strict family and I was the one who forced everyone to agree with my marriage. After my baby was born after some time I checked his history and I found that he was on escort website again. Now I lost my full trust and when I confront him he just argues. And there’s loads of men who want to accept my kid just to be with me. Trust me it’s not about looks.
Maria,
I have a suspicion that I am in the same boat. Are you still married and living with him?
I just went through the same. My ex-boyfriend works in 2 states. Last Thanksgiving we were in the other state where he spends only one week a month. We were celebrating thanksgiving with his family so we flew there for the week. He rents a room in a house of a this nice lady. When I was pulling out the blankets out of the closet, a pair of small pink dirty socks came out. I confronted him and he just brushed it off saying the lady he rents the room from probably had one of her nieces staying in his bedroom while he was not there. That right there planted the seed of the doubt! He is a pain in the culo and I knew he’d never authorize the lady to use his bedroom, he is very picky with his belongings and no way he’d like the idea of another person using his bed, unless…. unless HE brought her there! I can be a detective for real! I started paying attention to his moves after that. On December he just blurted out he was going to Vegas with his company on February, it was a “business” trip he said. Then I said: “over my dead body you are going to Vegas”. He asked me to join him then immediately he said “oh you can’t because you are teaching, Im sorry” (I am a teacher and vacation for me was until March) I know that this was his game, making me feel welcomed but oops, at the same time its like: “oh chucks, I forget you can’t join me because you have to work!
Then there was this time on January ehen I came home earlier than usual and he was rushing out of the house smelling like he poured the whole bottle of coligne over him, looking like he really really was going on a date. But he said he was leaving to meet a very important“client” for dinner.. yeah, right! I was set to find the truth. Just a couple of Days before his trip, he was getting up in the middle of the night a lot. Two days before his trip, he got up, I waited and then after about 5 min I went to see where he was, it was very early in the morning and was still dark. He was nowhere in sight, I think he went to the bathroom. His laptop was open and when I looked at the screen, there it was, an email he wrote to an escort in Vegas soliciting her services. I took a picture of the screen and went back to bed. I was out of his house the day after. I didnt tell him why I was leaving but I couldn’t even look at him in the eyes anymore, he thought I was crazy. I left a print of the screen shot on his nightstand and told him right just as I was hoping into my car to leave him forever! I wish I could see his face! He has sent me altogether about 70 pieces of mail, emails, text messages, voice messages, gifts and letters asking for forgiveness, insulting me, terrorizing me, threatening me, accusing me of “hacking” into his computer, etc, and I have not reply to a single one of them. Total ice age. He found out through common friends that Im leaving the state and he is devastated! Good! As for me, from February through May I felt numb, now I feel ugly, depressed, I cut short my long hair and decided to go grey! What this experience has caused me goes deeper than a knife! 15 years down the drain. Oh and I found out that one month before my 50th bday last September, he requested a prostitute in the other state…I wonder if the dirty pink socks belong to her! At the end of July I am moving out of the state where we lived together. 1500 miles away from here to start again! This is a place near the beach, and even though is beautiful and filled with palm trees, has now a very dark cloud over it! I can’t stand any extra minute here! 🙁 Ladies we need time to grief and there is no way around it….do as you want: cry, eat junk, sleep late, drink wine, dont take a shower, whatever… just know that after tgis painful experience we will come out more beautiful and free as the butterfly out the crysalis!
Don’t forget the Uber history, Venmo transactions, mapquest searches, deleted pictures on iCloud.
I found out about my husband in January. I think I’m just coming out of shock. I
I’ve been married for 14 years . I found out 2 months ago my husband been cheating on me with prostitutes. I was looking at his phone and saw a message. Google the number and it lead me to escort site . He had a account and reviews of all the women he has slept with. I’ve been loyal all these 14 years and had no clue I was being cheated on. I’ve been in depression can anyone please help me what can I do ? To ease pain
Hi Amy,
I’m terribly sorry you are dealing with this. We’re always amazed by all the terrible stories we hear on here and in our community.
You might take a look at our Divorce Recovery Program and Community.
There are a lot of women in there who are experiencing the same sort of infidelity.
I’m so sorry Amy. It’s probably an addiction and he probably won’t get better. Move on and start a new life. I had to after 33 years of marriage. It does get better.
This is probably the best site I’ve found. So I’m in the predicament of has he has he not.
He got a new job 2 years back and frequently stayed away with this job. Anyway I recently used his laptop as mine wasn’t working, I saw a site on the history. Checked it out, its an adult escort site. I then looked at his Google account history and realised he’s been looking at these pages for 2 years. Of course I confronted him, he denied it. I did a sti test without him knowing just in case but it came back clear (I know he hates protection). The worst thing is, these sites show areas where I know he works.
His response was, it’s pop ups, ads, malware. Hmm. I don’t quite see how a site clicked on over 24 times in one day can be a pop up. He even said he will take a lie detector test and that he would never ever do that to me. He said he’s willing to pay for it as he has nothing to hide..
I’ve confronted him about 5 times now as I can’t get it out my head and I’m not stupid. I just don’t know what to do or how to find out for sure. Our sex life is amazing, our relationship has always been great, he’s always a happy person and a joy to be around so it’s not like there’s any other signs. I’m really torn. I feel physically sick, drained, shaky. The worst thing is, I’m 25, the searches in his history have been for women aged 36-60 wtf?! Is this a sick fettish? Is he just looking at these sites after porn to get his kicks in his head? Or is he going ahead with it. I need more evidence. I can’t stay with a cheat, let alone someone who hires whores.
Were due to get married next year. I need clarity.
If anyone has any tips on what I can do to get solid proof please let me know.
I have been with my husband also 14 years, I found out a couple months ago that he has been having an affair with an escort. A much older escort. I would have thought twenties but when he told me 52 I was blown away. Literally. … during their 7 month long affair she stopped charging him 3 months in. Oh she had it bad for him, or she was looking at this pathetic man who would pour his soul out to her about how he was unhappy in his marriage and his wife was horrible. She thought $$ cha-Ching this is my way out. Buying lottery tickets for them and sending him sexy good night photos of herself. Oh and professing her love for him while we were in a family vacation. … before her he has been seeing different girls in all the surrounding cities. He was on anti depressants And had low testosterone and experienced “a dick problem” is he told the escorts.
For months he made it seem like I was the problem, even though he wasted so much money on these girl because he could never finish or stay hard. Gas lighting me making me feel insecure. I have since been tested as my husband and I don’t use protection and were in fact trying to have another child. Where is he now ladies??? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. He wants his family and to be with his “horrible wife”. …. that loves him and has been there for him through everything but it wasn’t enough…. I have no advice, I day drink, I hardly eat, I contemplate leaving everyday. But I know I will get through this. Maybe it is time. But it just hit at the wrong time. Because this covid-19 has locked me down in my house with him and I don’t know where I would have been in this world if it didn’t happen. Maybe in Hawaii using our money just the way he used out money to have sex with 30+ escorts. we will get through the pain, I just have to keep telling myself that.
I’m 25…my boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years and we have 2 kids. I recently found out through phone records that he has been with prostitutes. He finally admitted it to me today that it was roughly 5 of them in a span of 2 years…we were engaged. After cutting the crotch out of all his boxers and kicking him out I told him that he could stay in the basement. I’m nauseous, don’t want to eat, and I feel crushed. I want the man back that I thought he was. I want to be able to move on but I keep thinking about him touching them and them touching him. I don’t have much family. I live hours away from them. My dad is dead and my mom is an alcoholic, and my sister doesn’t like my boyfriend anyway…so that leaves me with nobody to talk to pretty much. I need to talk to someone that knows the pain I’m going through. I feel like my whole world has crumbled.
I found out my husband has been going to Asian massage places and seeing prostitutes . I’ve been married 37 years . It’s devestating . I really don’t know what to do . Financially , my home , everything ? I
I’m so sorry about what you are going through. Everything that comes with an unwanted divorce like this can be extremely overwhelming. If you do decide to go that route, be patient with yourself and find people who can support and guide you along the way, it’s a long a tough journey, but you can get through it.
Stay safe and stay strong –
The MDR team.
From where are Christi. I have exactly the same problem
My husband was looking at porn 13years ago. I was decestated. Then last year I thought maybe there is another woman because he os always busy on his phone and time after time in toilet. I could not get hold of his phone. When I did my homeword and get a spuy that could get into his media.. i found that he go to thai massage spa s and then call me back on private numbers. And making appointments with prostitutes any colour.
Its almost devestated and I am going to a hospital because my depression is getting to big to handle. My whole world is falling apart.i want a divorce because he and the children want me to keep it secret.. but how am I supposed to heal while keeping this still? What does it take from a woman to do n hiv test??? I am so angry and crying whole day.
I’m going through the same been married for 5 yrs but together for 10 . I’m devastated,just looked up his phone bc he forgot it and found he bought a prepaid phone at Walmart to text these woman. He past over 500 to sleep with them
He is begging for forgiveness but I can’t let go of im . I’m so hurt
I’m not married yet, but have been living with my fiance for 11 years (engaged for 10 years). I’m only 32 years old now (no children), blond, well built and quiet good looking. I have been cheated on for 8 years -> i just found out about it! I kind of do not find anyone as young as me having been cheated on for so long and so often. Firstly with private girls, than with paid prostitutes. He mostly did strange things with prostitutes – or to tell the truth they with him. I’m not sure if he ever loved me, or just has been with me because my family background is better and i gave him a warm family (i had a dog before i meet him which became like our universe/child). I’m also not sure, if he maybe is gay…. I’m just trying to realise everything at the moment. I do still love him so much. Thats so bitter for me. We are meeting with a therapist right know and i feel so ashamed that i’m still with him. He had one physical contact in the last 2 years and is trying to be better, before he did it like almost every month. I did a lie detector test with him. I got a good job, i have some money and some people tell me i’m the better package, but he still cheated on me all this time. Please excuse my lacking english -my native language is german. I’m just trying to cope with everything, thank you for giving me some hope – i’m not alone!
Hey.Im so happy I found you all. I’ve been married forty years and have just found out that he has been cheating on me with an escort in Madrid,Spain for 21/2 years. He is constantly traveling all over the world, and he invited her with him. A week in Bangkok, two weeks in Dubai, one month in Amsterdam, five weeks in London. It goes on and on. When he would come home he had this awful angry face and never greeted me hello so good to see you , no he just rushed past me anti the bedroom and unpacked. He was absolutely no pleasure to be around. I found out by overhearing a phone conversation. I got a lot of evidence from his American Express and other things floating around in the office. There of two apartments in Brazil that he had never mentioned. I’m googling everything . He wants to stay married, that he always loved me. I want to throw up, but not before I have money….
Wow now I don’t feel so alone! I just found a text from a hooker on my husband’s phone. He has 2 phones and texts will often go to both phones and the dumb guy left one at home. The text gave her address which he replied on my way and then it gave a menu of her services and what the cost was for 1/2 hr, one hr, etc. He asked for her suite number and she gave it to him with the code to buzz in. I’ve had a bad feeling in my gut for weeks now, he keep Cialis in his car and there were several missing. I know this because it bothers me when he buys Viagra and Cialis on line and I found out that he ordered 3 large packages and had them delivered to the house that he owns and rents out. I asked him where they where and he said he keeps them in his car but would bring them in. One of the packages was opened and like I said, several were missing. He’s left our home and keeps calling me and texting me telling me that it was only this once and that he didn’t go through with it. Obviously I don’t believe him and our marriage is done, but the shock and hurt is unbearable. I’m 61 and he’s going to be 65 soon and we haven’t been married two years yet. I’m off the see a counselor and I’m getting tested for STD’s but I’m going through hell. He was the man I was going to retire with. Oh ya the site he gets these “escorts” is called Leo’s List. It’s shocking.
Yes my husband used Leo’s list as well. I would have went to the place he was going to! OMG
There is a good reason men go looking for sex.
Their wife is either unable or unwilling to have sex with her husband.
After 4 years of a Sex Less marriage, and being unable to divorce for financial reasons,. what should a man do?
Unfortunately men need sex to feel loved. Their body produces semen, that needs to be expelled.
So what does the man do.
Walk around unable to function, as his head is dissy with FRUSTRATION, and aching testicles.
Masturbation is sometimes suggested, but that is Lonely, and makes men feel even less loved, and down. It destroys him internally
If he goes on dating sites, that will end up in another relationship that will hurt his wife.
So he goes to a Prostitute, pays a few dollars, and his wife never knows.
He does not need to be passionate at home, as how wife does not want it. That’s why he went looking elsewhere.
So I ask you, – If your favorite dress shop closes down, do you stop wearing dress’s OR go and find a new dress shop.
It’s rally just a basic human need that the wife is not supplying.
Wow that is a really sad response. You are justifying sleeping with prostitutes and cheating on your spouse? Really? And if you are not getting divorced for financial reasons, should you really be paying for sex? Wow guy, just wow!
I completely agree with you. This all have come from the distorted Christian Morality. Remember, Mary Madelaine, Jesus’s wife was also a prostitute? The woman involved has to bear part of the blame, if this is regarded immoral or a sin. I do not fend it to be either. It is akin to taking an Aspirin for a headache. Sometimes, variety is nice. Boredom is the main reason for men spending time with prostitutes. It is a physical need which is fulfilled with no emotional attachments. Incidentally, women do this too. This practice gets more prevalent after women go through menopause and loses interest in sex.
That is biological. In most cultures services of a courtesan is accepted and is not a big deal. It is the world’s oldest profession and the perpetrators are women. Do not throw your marriage away based on misplaced morals. Talk it over and find out where the problem lies. Killing is immoral. However, men who go to other countries to kill others they have not seen ever in life, indiscriminately, are considered heroes? Morality??
Wake-up! men do this to fulfil a basic human need!
I have a lot of sympathy for everyone here. My husband died in October 2019 and my children and I were devastated. Fast forward to June 2020, and we found out about his secret life … prostitutes, massage parlors, burner phones, and self-reference as a hobbyist. We have learned language we would never have thought we would know. It has been devastating but the good news is the filthy bastard is dead. He had a beautiful home, beautiful wife, and beautiful children. He squandered every gift he had but eventually lost his life for it. I hope he found it worth it.
I found escort sites in cities we lived in, I found google map searches for hotels and escorts near his home town…. and he says he didn’t go through with it but just looked , but then I find research sites that like review the escorts he still denies ever doing anything… but he’s lied about drinking and drugs and clubbing and tinder … so yes he’s clearly screwed them right?
We’re over and going threw custody and access for my kids etc, I find in the car cologne (I bought him) and viagara in the glove box .
Clearly that means he’s screwing them right?
I don’t know why, but I can’t get threw this part I feel like I already know so why am I holding out for him to admit?? He’s narcissistic Liar who will never say it… so why does it still haunt me ???
And how come it’s affecting me now, like it hurts so bad I can’t even think about my intimacy, I feel sick and used and immediately Nauseous when I think about sex for me
I completely understand the pain, when your husband cheats on you. However, imagine a situation where the husband for years have been trying too hard to get some intimacy and gets turned down 8/10 times. Yes, I have tried everything from cooking dinner to massage to gifts. I am almost ready to give my hopes up and divorce is not an option.
Getting prostitutes is not the way. You could end up broke and divorced. I just learned the hard way that communication (intimate one) is the key. Let her know how rejected you feel. Maybe she has a problem she is not aware of. If you love her, don’t do it. It makes you low. If it doesn’t work, that is another thing, but cheating on anyone is not the answer. I am going through hell and no women or men should feel like this.
I just read all of your comments and I feel your pain… my husband and I have been together for 20 years, we had been married before and each of us had 2 children. We had it all. We where very happy. On 2016, my husband had a great deal in his job, and travelled a lot, we had an apartment in that country and every time I could, I went there to stay with him and play “his First Lady”. I believe that particular year, I went to that place 6 times. Stayed for 2 weeks and spent quality time with him and had sex at least two times a day (to recover lost time). Every time he came back, he was weird.. he touched me in different forms that I was obliged to ask him where did he learn to do that? And we argued a lot, I asked him several times if he was seeing someone else and he called me crazy, jealous and you fill the blanks if I am missing something. Once I went to the gynecologist because I had a burning sensation in my vagina, turns out it was chlamydia. He said that he had no idea and convinced me that it happened to me because of the gym bottoms. I let it pass. On 2017, I met a guy in my gym that was very nice, and we stayed to chat on the phone, mostly gym jokes at first, but nothing further happened, we got together at the gym to train hard, but there was nothing physical. I didn’t talked to my husband about it, but it blew on me one night my husband checked up my phone. It was hell! He accused me of infidelity and told everyone in the family and shamed me. He was really upset, nothing I explained to him was blue to convince him that guy never placed a hand or anything else on me. We went to couples therapy and I went on my own because I knew I was doing something wrong by being emotionally attached to someone else while married, and I learned my worth and to forgive myself and being a better person. My husband was very proud of me. Lately because all of this pandemic the economy went to hell and I have to work now (I was a stay at home mom because we could at that moment)and don’t get me wrong, I love working to bring bacon on the table for all the family. And him, when all of this COVID 19 started, he was in that foreign country trying to get his job done with no profits to hope for, so there he was, stranded in our motherland with no chance to leave, and I working my ass of to get money to the household. Three weeks ago, I decided to sell the house to pay a lot of debts he got us into for the business in the other country, so as a good wife I told him we should do it, he was relieved for my support and told me he was getting back to America in a humanitarian flight. My sister that week told me that She had some intel on my husband that she wanted to share with me before making the decision of selling the house, so I met her in a Starbucks and she dropped the bomb that on 2016 my husband was with prostitutes in our apartment. He told her when I was having my “affair”. I left him a text “ my sister told me a lot of interesting things about your 2016”. At that moment, he knew that he was in deep waters. I was shocked, disgusted, wanted to vomit and felt dirty. I was only counting the days for him to arrive and confront him for this allegations. He arrived, I was waiting for hi at the airport with no welcome kiss, and told him that we need to talk. He agreed. Later at night we went to the neighborhood park and talked. I asked a lot of questions, and he confessed that he even made a threesome with prostitutes in a client’s house (a married one too). He brought prostitutes to our apartment and had sex with them, he even showed them a picture of me in my wedding dress and they said how pretty I was!! He took them to the beach in our boat and had sex with them in there. In the meantime he was confessing I was thinking of all the times we had sex in the same bed, they wore my clothes, and he always came back as if nothing happened. He called me crazy, he gave me an STD, he put whore juice in me. He made go through hell during my affair. I just feel sick and there is not enough disinfectant in the world to get the filth he threw on me. He says that it didn’t happened again, and when we speak about it he always turns the table and tells me that he “knows” my pain because my “affair”. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so exhausted and just asked for more hours at work to not think about it. I want to clarify that I don’t feel ugly or anything of that sort, I know who I am and how I look, and not to Bragg, but I am HOT. But I still don’t know have to deal with this repulsive thoughts I have and can’t even think of letting him having sex with me or anything. I want to burn that whorehouse that I called home years ago and I want him to suffer a piece of the hell he made me pass. Still can’t forgive my sister for withholding that stories from me and I can’t talk to anyone without knowing the sense of humiliation for me and for my family. Can you forgive something like this?
Sorry hun but he sounds like a manipulative narcissist and if he’s gone threw that kinda lifestyle (whores on boats and orgies…) theres no coming back to just a 1 to 1 relationship after that. How do you know he only did that for 2016? He lied so much to you already how do you know he isn’t just doing it now? How do you know that he doesn’t have a “fav” girl and is keeping her around too?
Get you monies and RUN
He hurt you and continuously and will do it again and again,
An apology without action is manipulation
There’s no healing from a person whose hurt you
He didn’t respect you then he won’t start anytime soon
You shouldn’t be ashamed of HIS actions! He did those things TO you, YOU are NOT HIS ACTIONS
Talk to your sister forgive her, she prolly never been in situation like that before and think about how he manipulated you so much he must have done the same to her
Read up on Narcissists and you’ll see how these kinds of people play with there closes ones,
RUN and don’t look
Back! You got this !!!!
Sorry about your insensitive reply and advise. Remember, ‘whores’ are women too! Treat them with respect. They are doing a job, the world’s oldest, to keep their home fires burning. Sex with a courtesan is not a sin or the end of the world. Extra marital affairs are dangerous. Some stereotype women as being ‘dumb’. You seems to be adding fuel to that! Sad.
Paula,
I could understand the pain for which you are partially responsible for. Sorry. A marriage and monogamy is more than sex. It is easy for one to say, look but do not touch. Besides sex, how else is your union? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Sex is a biological need, especially for men. Biologically women are programmed to lose the sex appetite and the attractiveness to their partners. Especially women need to understand this fact of life. My advise, if you are seeking advise, is that ; do not follow the comments of the ‘menopausal brigade’. Look beyond. Look at the goo and enjoyable things you both have done together. This problem has been created by ‘distance’. If you two were together, in all probability it would not have happened. You have lived 20 years together. Aim for another twenty. We are just another animal on this planet. Our primordial instincts sometimes overwhelm us. Humanness is to look beyond and address the issues we are confronted with, but not to run away from them. How do you feel for each other if monogamy is put aside? (what your partner has done is only to answer a call of nature with no emotional attachments)
How would you know whether the next person would be better? How would you like getting old alone? Do not throw the baby out with the bath water. None of these readers who are raising ‘battle axes’ on behalf of menopausal women would come to help you through the balance of you long life left on this lonely planet! Think through and act wise.
I’m in the same boat. My husband of 12 years cheated on me when we first got married by bringing other women home (twice) and last year he slept with the same hooker twice. When the first time happened, I did the forgave and forget thing and he was telling me how sorry he was and wrote letters to me everyday after I left him. I saw he was sincere and he was making a lot of changes for himself. I stayed at the end because we have a child together. Fast forward just this week, I found out that he had sex with hooker again last year. I found cash and two prepaid cards. I knew something happened. He admitted right away and apologized for his actions. And he even showed me that he did the STD test and he was clear before he touched me. I feel so gross and sick to the stomach. I know we have issues and I might not be the perfect wife. I am also supporting him through school and now during pandemic. He doesn’t work now and have no where to go. He has no family and friends here. We have two kids now. I feel so sorry for them. He looks really sorry but I can never trust him again and I can never let him touch me ever again. I don’t know what to do. I am successful, skinny and good looking. Although I’m in my 40s but I look like I’m only 28-30. Everyone around us tells him how lucky he is to have me. I think he has been living under my shadow. He doesn’t know how to take out his frustration. He def has issues that he needs to sort out and he is seeing doctors. However, I really can’t go on but I feel sad for my children. Will they be okay and will they have a normal family? Although he did this to me but I don’t feel low self esteem, maybe I’m just numbed….
As I have commented, this is crazy. Who gets hurt are the children in the middle. Men gets distracted, especially the healthy ones who has the sex drive. You are lucky that he has no emotional attachments outside the house and just pay for sex and relief. This was very common in the US at the turn of the century. It is very common in Japan even today as I know it. You feel sorry for yourself, naturally. Marriage is more than sex. You may leave him and find another. The chances that the other would be similar is great in today’s day and age. How would you like aging alone? Spare the children from pain. Also, you are teaching them that this is natural and they will handle a similar situation in the same way. The best way to handle the situation is to really understand his needs and for him to understand your feelings and needs too. Approach the situation with your head, but not your heart.
Harris. Wow so you are saying that I am lucky that he is only paying for sex and not have another woman on the side. You think this is normal? Is this what marriage should be? You are actually worse than my husband who cheated. At least he is sorry for his actions and trying to figure out what is wrong with him. But man you are delusional.
Tiffany,
In the contrary, your husband’s behavior is that of a normal male human. Hiring a courtesan is nothing more than taking an Aspirin for a headache. Why is he not sexually satisfied? ask yourself. He does not have a mistress nor an affair. Consider yourself lucky. All women with a normal sex drive like to entice men. If not why expose so much skin and paint bodies? Humans are still animals. Throw your Victorian morality away. With the ever growing porn and sex industry the temptation is too much and the opportunities are too many. Sex is one of those biological needs. Use your head not your heart.
I am devastated. I am a very pretty woman. I have had men offer me the world… my husband is an asshole and gaslights the situation. I’m tired.. and ready to say fuck it.. I’m gone. After raising 4 successful children… and being a stepford wife… I’m devastated. Not once but twice I have caught him… I should if left 7 years ago after the 1st time. Lord help me. I’m a mess. When will the hurting stop. When will he stop telling me how much he loves me only to stab my heart again. I’m broken, he broke me.
Perhaps you should take-up on one of those offers? at least on the sly for now?? If it works out in your benefit, do not look back.
ADVICE PLEASE!!! So I am going through something very similar. We have been together 18 years(two kids) For close to a year we hadn’t been doing good. Barely talking. No sex. Honestly not sure what…. just busy and life. This was just the new norm I guess. Well in November I looked at his phone(because he had been on it all the time) Found he was using the text now app to talk to prostitutes. One message asked her “ are you back in town yet” Well obviously he had met up with her. When I confronted him he admitted it. Well doubtful it was all of it. He sAid he had done it 3 times with same girl and only a BJ. We talked about how horrible our rely was. Not that was an excuse….
He promised he wouldn’t do it again. Our relationship seemed 100% better . We were spending so much time
Together and LOTS of awesome sex. (I did get checked)
Welllll….. August 7th I just had a bad gut feeling and logged
Into his email. Still seems CRAZY to me that I had that feeling and he was contacting a prostitute within minutes of me checking it. They were emailing back-and-forth about where to go and what time. Well She added her number so I text her from another number acting like I wanted an appointment. So I got her address and I went to the house. And sure as shit he was parked out front still in his car. I got there about five minutes to early. He saw my car and drove off.Tried calling me about 70 times. He completely shattered my heart that day. But once we finally sat down and talk he swore he didn’t go in but I think he would’ve. Which I do believe Because I called. That whore and asked if she’d seen him before. So super long story sorry. But we are still together that day we had a very long talk. Many talks really. He gave me every email login that he has. He also has a Life360 on his phone where that tracks where you’re at at all times. We had this on our phone already for our boys that are new drivers. (I should’ve known right away when he deactivated that because it “ran down his battery.“ ) I even have his Google account to his phone. So I could see his search history his location anything he looks up. I know this may sound extremely stocker-ish. And for a while I was checking daily. But I am getting much better at that. It’s not easy. And I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I would love any advice anyone has. Am I totally insane? We have also been going to church and for the first time probably ever we have really put God in a relationship.I can honestly say that in the 18 years we’ve been together I’ve never been this happy. It’s just different. But there still always that thought in the back of my mind if he still doing it and will he do it again. I know I’m done if he does. I pray every day that he Does the right thing when the temptation is there. Again I would love any advice from any of you…. anything.
Teri,
You seems to have handled the situation well using your head. You appear to be a smart woman. I wish that I am blessed to have a spouse like you. Men stray. I know that very well as I have talked to very many friends of mine. The Christian morale makes it appear very bad too. There are many reasons for this behaviour; boredom, excitement of something new (children do this with toys), excitement of variety (sex is boring if you keep on doing the same thing over and over again), etc. Women , especially, seems to ‘let their hair down’ once married. This is not good. You have to keep looking good all the time. I know that it is stressful to do that. Getting a mistress is worse than paying for occasional sex, besides being a drain on your finances. Perhaps you both require counselling with a good council, he more than you. Find out what incites him to pay for sex. If it is the youth of the courtesan, it is a difficult issue to address. He needs to understand that getting old together is beneficial for both of you.
If everything fails, do not get stress-out as it is not good for you. If you are sure that you both love each other, it is too good a relationship to throw away because of one of his failings, which is a biological impulse of the human animal. He has to realize your value, smarts, and dedication. He has to realize that it would be also your children who will suffer besides you two. Do not despair. Prince Charles did not realize te value of Princess Diana and went for Camilla. Sex or love it is difficult to say. It is his misfortune.
Good luck.