Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences you can imagine in a marriage, it is a violation of your vows that you took in front of family and friends. It can be one of the most challenging and damaging emotional events in life, the pain that is created from not just the act, but the deception is nearly unbearable. The more trust you have in someone, the more painful it is when you find out it happened.
What happens when you find out your husband didn’t cheat with your friend, a co-worker or had a one-night stand, but he was cheating on you with prostitutes, does that make it worse? I attended an infidelity conference with my now ex-husband and as we all shared our stories there were woman whose husbands cheated once, husbands who cheated for years, husbands who cheated with a random person and husbands who cheated with prostitutes. We were all feeling pain, there was no comparing “My husband’s cheating was worse than your husband’s cheating”, we were all in it together. However, finding out your husband is cheating with prostitutes is perhaps a “little” extra kick in the stomach because you feel like maybe you should have seen the signs. You may also wonder if your marriage can survive.
Signs Your Husband Cheated With Prostitutes
It may not be obvious that your husband is cheating with an escort, but the following signs may be indicators that it’s happening, especially if multiple signs are present.
The average rate of a sex worker is about $260 per hours with some as high as $1000+ an hour. If your husband is cheating on you with prostitutes, the money to pay for them has to come from somewhere and this isn’t just his money, this is your joint money that he is spending on sex.
Credit Card Charges
- Hotel charges when he wasn’t traveling.
- Pharmaceutical companies (men will often use online pharmaceutical companies purchase Viagra rather than going to a family doctor).
- Prepaid MasterCard and VISA gift cards are becoming more popular for sex workers to accept. You might find these lumped in with grocery store or gas station charges.
- Miscellaneous charges for things you didn’t receive. Many men will purchase a small gift for prostitutes if it is their first meeting or if they frequent the same prostitute.
Checking Account Withdrawals
Cash is the preferred way for prostitutes to be paid, this works best for them and there is no paper trail. If you notice an increased number of withdraws for a large sum of money or several smaller withdraws over a period of days, this could be a red flag if monthly is not usually withdrawn.
He Smells Differently
My ex-husband wore cologne almost every day, but most of the time he would come home from work not smelling good or bad, just neutral as his cologne had worn off. There are times now I can recall that he smelled different, not like another woman, but he smelled freshly showered. Little did I know he had a bag in his office that had extra deodorant and cologne in it. Other things to pay attention to:
- He smells like an unfamiliar soap or deodorant. If he showered at a hotel, he would most likely use their soaps giving him a different scent than what you are used to at home.
- He smells like perfume. Most men are going to be aware that they smell like another woman, but there is a chance he doesn’t smell her scent on him or his clothes or his jacket. After all, women have more cells in the olfactory bulb making us better at sniffing things out.
He Visits Escort Websites
One of the largest escort websites was shut down in April, 2019 making escorts have to get more creative on where they advertise. When looking for questionable website visits, it might not be as obvious as www.escorts.com, but rather look at frequent visits to the same site over and over, or websites with words that contain: girls, adult, guide, list, directory or agency in the name.
Clearing Search History and Cookies
I never found inappropriate websites that my ex-husband was looking at, but what I found should have been a sign for me. He would clear his search history and he would clear the cookies on his laptop. There were times when I would ask to use his computer rather than having to get my laptop out because his was already on the counter. He would oblige, but always would turn it on and log in for me, spending a few extra minutes clicking around. If you notice the search history is always cleared, this is a big red flag.
Cell Phone Usage
He is more protective of his cell phone, not letting you use it to check the weather or look at his photos without watching you closely when you are using it.
You find him on his phone more often and more secretive when he is using it, looking at it in other rooms or is more protective of his screen when you are close by.
New Apps on his phone: There are apps that allow text messages and calls to come in without the phone ringing or chiming with a text message. These usually go to an email address or an App such as Burner. This is a secretive way to communicate with prostitutes without you seeing any trace on the cell phone bill.
Prepaid or burner cell phones can easily be purchased from any cellphone provider and used by many men who don’t want to risk a call or text coming into their personal phone. These can also be purchased on Amazon and stores like Wal-Mart and Target.
Feeling Like You’re Not Good Enough
The average age of prostitutes in the United States is between 24-29. Most prostitutes are beautiful, young, have perky breasts and killer bodies that most women (thanks to society) long to have. The night I found the text message on my husband’s phone that lead to me finding out the truth about the years of infidelity, I googled the phone number and what popped up on the screen was a beautiful twenty-something year old “girl” that looked like she could have been plucked out of a magazine. I have had self-esteem issues since I was a teenager and always questioned if I had a nice body and now questioned it even more.
Body Image Issues: Your body has changed since you got married, you had kids, you got the great job that takes more of your time so there is less time for the gym. It is very common for you to feel inadequate when you find out your husband has been cheating with a prostitute.
Stop comparing yourself: This is hard NOT to do. But you need to remember this is not about you or your body, this is about him.
Life happens! You might have children, busy jobs, or just the hustle and bustle of life that leads to exhaustion that leads to less sex in the bedroom. However, signs that it might be because he is cheating:
- He suddenly starts showing less interest in you physically, including kissing.
- He denies you when you initiate sex
- He wants to shower before you are intimate
- When you are intimate, he wants it to be quick and there is less passion than there has been between the two of you in the past.
It is important that if you find out your husband has been cheating on you with prostitutes that you immediately get tested for STDs.
Why Do Married Men Use Prostitutes
This is a great question with a lot of answers and too many reasons to list. The reality is that each man has his own reasons for cheating with prostitutes. One that was true for my husband and for many men is that there was no emotional attachment, it was purely a financial transaction for sex that he felt he could walk away from without a woman falling in love with him, without a woman texting him in the middle of the night, basically without any consequences. There of course are other reasons men choose to cheat with prostitutes:
- They have low self-esteem and they love the way a prostitute makes them feel wanted.
- They have fantasies they want to fulfill in the bedroom, and they are too afraid to approach their wife with the suggestions.
- They truly have a sex addiction and they love not just the physical act of the sex but the thrill of seeking it, looking forward to it and keeping it a secret.
So Now What?
I became obsessed with my husband’s experiences with prostitutes and I can tell you that it was not healthy, it only hindered me in my healing process. I began looking at the calendar and figuring out dates he had met them, like the day after we arrived home from a vacation or the day I went on a hike with one of my girlfriends. I looked at their photos and studied their bodies wondering why he liked her butt more than mine, I even asked him about sex with them wanting to know specifics; he obliged and told me but that only hurt me more. So, you are asking now, how do I cope? The answer my friend, is time. You need to go through the grieving process and feel each and every ones of those steps. You can’t change it, even though you want to, you can’t go into the past and change it or forget it happened because it did. Unfortunately, you also can’t fast-forward out of your pain because the only way to get to the other side is through it. Let yourself feel grief:
- You eventually will make it to Acceptance, it just takes time.
We can all say “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” but how does that benefit us? Looking back, yes there might be signs that your husband was cheating on you with prostitutes, but you love and trusted this person and were most likely giving him the benefit of the doubt and you can’t beat yourself up about that. You will get through this, one day at a time.
It hurts so much
To Kelly who found out after her husband died: I thought I was the only one to whom this happened. I found out after my fiancé (we were together for 4 happy years) died from a subarachnoid hemorrhage while having sex with me. Yes while he was behind me and possibly about to orgasm, his aneurysm (which no one including him knew about until after his death) blew up while doing what he loved doing – doggie style. You can look up research papers on sexual intercourse resulting in subarachnoid hemorrhages. Life plays mean jokes on you. He left me 5 months pregnant when he suddenly dropped dead on our bedroom floor. After his death I ended up with his phones that I didn’t care to look through for days, the same as in the past, although he was always weirdly clutching on to them and never left them laying around like you and I do quite often. I always gave him the benefit of doubt that he might be hiding dirty memes which I knew he liked to share with friends, he did have an inappropriate sense of humor and I was ok with that. After all that was part of what made him the fun guy I fell madly in love with. Until one day (10 days after his death) while I was sitting at my work desk grieving over the loss, a Whatsapp message came through from a prostitute in Morocco and the rest is the same as the stories told by other people on this thread. I suddenly turned into detective and went through both his phones and found that for 8 years or more he had been having affairs with other married women, picking up regular (non-prostitute young drunk girls at bars), stalking ex-girlfriends trying… Read more »
My husband cheated on me last march i saw the girl leave and he told me she was there to buy something. I finally got the truth and it was half the truth he told me he paid a girl 200 to basically strip while he masturbated i was hurt but i didnt want to end are 10 year marriage but recently i found out he paid 500 for 2 girls to make out with each other and touch each other i dont believe that he told me he did it cuz he was horny and wanted sex he wanted to have a 3 way but it was to much i think only. One girl was there and they had sex but idk what to do or think i just feel disgusted and used
Been in Portland, OR since Dec. 5, 2022. My “cheater” is in GA. I’m 54, my husband is a very young 68, athelitic, and charming soccer ref, has a successful business doing remodeling in Atlanta and has been a wonderful husband to me. He had a stroke years ago that didn’t seem to affect him, but he blamed not desiring sex on his stroke and impotency. That was a lie. He is having an affair or a girlfriend experience with a young Asian Massage therapist. Several of his married friends are too. I was hurt! Devastated! Found out it’s been going on for years. There’s Kelly, and Grace, and Yan. They have conversations via text messages. His Kelly and him text night and day, tells him she loves him. He shares things with her like they are an item, and maybe they are. I periodically looked through his phone. He alway deleted his messages, so I had to catch him off guard when I started getting suspicious. I found out October 4th, moved in with my sister, but going back and forth packing up. On Nov 1st, I was going to finish packing. I asked jokingly, “you haven’t had any women there have you?” Him: “”No and nor do I intend to!” I get to our home, find all kinds of evidence that Kelly’s been there- a bloody tampon, pad in the trash, Chinese candy wrappers, bedspread made up wrong. He always slept on the couch, with his phone or remote in his hand. I knew he was a flirt, I knew he watched phone porn, but never believed he was cheating. It. We were together 10 years, divorced before and seemed to have a great marriage…took cruises together, dinner with friends and clients, acted like best friends showed no… Read more »
I have told my story here. We all are devastated, even traumatized. There’s betrayal trauma. We are grieving. I don’t have any hope for a monogamous marriage. This is my third marriage with “cheaters.” I give up.
Read Sex At Dawn
Christopher Ryan, Cacilda Jethá.
The human species is not naturally Monogamous. If it were, we wouldn’t need a rule: “Thou shalt not commit adultry.”
The pain is so real. I can’t believe I am living this nightmare. I have teenage boys at home and this is a remarriage. I am so lost as to what to do. My kids are at such a vulnerable age to go through divorce. And I’ve only been married 15 months. Been together 5 years. I feel so stupid and used. When I caught him before he actually visited the escort he immediately said he needed help for a problem that he couldn’t explain. I did find out he has been frequenting Asian erotic massage parlors. Since he got a big promotion at work he decided he needed to move on to a regular call girl. Don’t all Senior Cice Presidents have Call Girls? Answer. No, they don’t.
He did start counseling and has been to 5 sessions but I can already feel he wants to stop. This consumes my day. All day. Everyday. I am at a loss for what to do. I don’t trust him. I’m constantly checking his location but I don’t trust that. It’s easy to leave your personal phone at your office or home for a bit “undetected”.
Been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, and we have amazing frequent sex, but he has always suffered from alcohol addiction, which I have always tried to support him through working with AA groups. He had been sober during our first year together, but started having issues with his teenage son, and secretly started to use cocaine to cope with that. Little did I know he also started to see escorts-I found out after a year of after that, last January, that he had hired escorts to meet him in NYC hotels. He would tell me he needed to go out of town, and would just hail a cab to a local hotel. He treats me amazing, is super kind, generous, an amazing man, and this is the only issue we have in our relationship now. He says he didn’t feel good inside because of the strained relationship he has with his son. I was able to see all of his Venmo and belle history and the transactions began during the time he started to have problems with his son, so I am inclined to believe that, because it seems that while he was sober, he was not behaving this way. Now he wants to change and is doing everything he can to stay sober in every way. I am not sure what to do because I do believe that if he stays sober, he will be able to be faithful, but I am afraid of making wrong decision that will lead to more heartbreak in the future. I will give him the opportunity to show me he has changed, but I am operating now under a new reality and I know that in the future there is always a chance of relapse. In the meantime, while he proves… Read more »
Been dealing with the same. Married for 20 years, together for 25. We have 5 kids. Oldest is 24 and youngest is 3. its currently March 2022, and in December of last year I had to kick him out and make him get his own place, after the whole year of finding hooker info all over his phone off and on. I kept kicking him out , then we would start working it out, and he wld come back after a few weeks etc. after doing that 4 times it was what I had to do. I didn’t want to, I didn’t need to… I HAD TO! I have the 3 youngest kids with me, and custody of them now. I love him, I really do, but I’m tired of being confused, and torn… I’m tired of fighting for him and he never fights for me. We have tried marriage therapy, and now starting with a new therapist again next week, I am seeing my own therapist on the side… there’s an addiction here… it’s a symptom of something far greater than we are ladies. I am heartbroken, and numb. More and more info keeps coming out, leading to many more blows. I don’t know when my breaking point will come, but I feel it’s going to be soon… I’m having daily headaches and every night I’m waking with nightmares!!! I can’t shake it. these hookers have nothing on me except they are cunts! I struggle with self image issues, and self worth now because of it…. I’m insecure… but I keep adding to the torcher by looking at any of his phones if I can. He keeps them hostage!!!! Skip the games.com is the biggest issue and where he finds them… I often wonder what happened to us… was… Read more »
Here because my boyfriend fucked a prostitute in our bed while I was at a tattoo appointment. it’s funny because just a few weeks before I looked at his recent emojis and was like “ these weren’t sent to me…” confronted him and he lied saying they were old. He sexted her paid her for nudes.
Well my husband tried to pick up a prostitute but what he got was an undercover cop. Arrested and then called me from jail to say that he was drinking. Took my babies down to the jail to bail him out but when I got there I asked the clerk what was he arrested for and I was told solicitation of prostitution. There with one baby on my hip the other clinging to my hand, I told the clerk to tell him he can rot in the jail for all I care. I wouldn’t bail him out. He had to wait to go before a judge. Called a family member to pick him up. Truck was towed. Here I am 22 years later still with him because you know “it was the first time and she set me up” song and dance. Yep I fell right into it. Found out he has text escorts. But he doesn’t know that I know yet. Once a cheater you know the rest. I’m over 50 and kids are grown and out of the house. I no longer have a reason to stay. My heart hurts so much but I can’t live with someone who can do this to me after 30+ years of marriage. I think back over the years and there were so many signs and when I would question him about things there was always that perfect lie that when he said it it was believable. I’ve started a journal for my kids should something happen to me. I want them to know that they were the only reason I stayed during all of that. I sacrificed my happiness to make sure that they lived in a two parent home. They were my reason for staying. Now I don’t have one… Read more »