“Infidelity Recovery Stages.”
That sounds so neat and tidy. The stages of healing after infidelity. I thought to myself, “Is healing even possible after infidelity?” Recovery from the damage and devastation that is caused by this kind of betrayal is never easy. Infidelity is one of the most serious assaults on a marriage there is.
Judith Viorst, is author of one of my favorite children’s books, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I read that book to our four children hundreds of times. It would have been appropriate for how I felt when I found out my husband had a girlfriend.
Judith once wrote about her husband: “When he is late for dinner and I know he must be having an affair or lying dead in the middle of the street, I always hope he’s dead.”
I laughed at that quote…then. But when I re-read it when my husband was actually having an affair, I felt the same way Judith did. At one point, I wrote in my book, Radical Recovery:
“I hate him! I never want to see his face again! I wish he was DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!”
That was when he was late getting home for dinner, and I realized not only had he been with another woman, but he looked me in the face and lied and made me feel like a crazy person for even thinking such a thing. I thought to myself. “how does anyone get any healing after infidelity?”
There are lots of ways to be unfaithful. Abuse. Addiction. Lack of care and closeness. But the infidelity that most often comes to mind is adultery. That promise of faithfulness is a promise to each other that no matter what, “you are safe with me.” Infidelity destroys that promise. An affair doesn’t need to be physical. Emotional affairs can hurt just as much.
Infidelity is a problem in our society. Especially among midlife and older couples, men cheat more than women. When infidelity happens in a marriage, we have to figure out, first of all, if we can save the marriage, and second, if we can rebuild the trust that all good marriages must have to continue and thrive. Often our marriage doesn’t survive because the affair continues.
What’s most difficult about the success of infidelity recovery stages is dealing with his choice to break his promises to you … to sleep with another woman…to lie to your face, mislead your children, disappoint your family and friends, and then have the gall to try to somehow make it your fault.
The grief that come from infidelity, especially if it causes the loss of our marriage, is a pain beyond describing. It’s devastating to our view of who we are and to our sense of worth and trust and joy and even love, itself. There are few affair recovery stages that can fix those losses.
How Long Does It Take
When I was trying to put my life back together after my husband’s continued infidelity and the divorce that followed, the thinking from many psychologists was that you could count on one year of recovery for every five to seven years of marriage. We had been married for 33 years … I thought to myself, “ I might be dead by then!”
Another counselor said the stages of healing after an affair could take one month of recovery for every year you were married. That got me down to about three years to get back to normal. I thought to myself, “I don’t think I can survive even three years of feeling like this.”
Honestly, for me, it did take that long to get back to any semblance of normalcy while I was trying to cope with the infidelity and the divorce. That’s why I have such a passion to do this Midlife Divorce Recovery work. I want to save other women some of the time and anguish I experienced. I want to help them make the trip faster and with more grace than I did. That’s why I created the MasterPlan Program.
Discovery
I discovered my husband’s affair when I found a card in the driver’s side pocket of our van. It was a card from her with a little boy and a little girl sitting next to each other on a swing in kind of muted soft colors. The girlFIEND (any woman who gets involved with a married man!) had written things like, “I love your voice … it’s like a cello … especially when you sing to me …. and you even like my feet.”
A sense of despair filled my heart, and I confronted him, He said she was just a friend … someone at work who was having trouble in her own marriage. He went and played golf that afternoon as my life was crumbling around me.
As a woman who is faced with lies, denials and deception, I became my own private detective (which by the way is a sure way to more despair!) I discovered more and more inconsistencies in his behavior, in his schedule, in unexplained charges on our credit card.
I became obsessed with finding out everything I could, because I was heartbroken and furious he could look me in the face after 30+ years of marriage and lie to my face … over and over again. Every discovery proved I hadn’t lost my mind, but I had lost my husband.
Grief & Sadness
The extreme sadness and grief after infidelity, especially after a long marriage, is as bad as it feels. People want to somehow minimize what this means in your life. It changes absolutely everything. Everything you thought was solid ground is now a big swamp of quicksand sucking you under.
I had trouble sleeping. I wasn’t eating well. I would start the day exhausted and sick in my heart that this was my new reality. I didn’t know how I could survive knowing that my 33 year marriage was over because my husband wanted another woman.
Anger
It took me too long to get to the “Angry Stage” of divorce recovery after Infidelity. I was mostly heartbroken and unbelieving that this could happen to us … to a family like ours.
I stayed in that sad, heartbroken, devastated stage too long because I somehow thought that if I had been different or better or thinner or more organized or whatever, this might not have happened.
But after doing this work for so long, I have finally figured out that his infidelity is much more about him than about you. He makes the choice to betray you and destroy what you have built together. I have met many, many beautiful, smart, funny, accomplished women, and their husband did the same thing.
So, after a while, I got mad. Some of my friends called it my “righteous indignation” stage. They had asked me when I was going to stop being so sad and start being angry at what he had done. The angry stage is beneficial, but you can’t set up camp there either. If you do, It will destroy you.
Acceptance
For me, by the end of the three years, there was some semblance of acceptance. I knew in my head that our 33-year marriage was over. It just took my heart longer to catch up to that reality.
I made mistakes in our marriage. I had times I could have done things better, but so did he. I was a good wife. I was a good mother. I thought I was fun and that our life was amazing … even though there were things we had to work out like every couple.
It took me a long time to come to grips with the fact that my husband didn’t think I was worth being faithful to, and that he thought his new girlfriend could provide more of what he wanted or needed.
That’s a hard reality to accept, but at some point after continued infidelity, you have no choice, you have to walk away.
Unless you want to stay in the pit forever, you have to finally accept that someone or something else is more important to your husband than you and your family.
Forgiveness
When I am teaching my 10-Week RADiCAL Divorce Recovery classes, I always tell the women in the class just to put the forgiveness piece on the shelf for awhile. There is always a huge collective sigh of relief!
Most women start out saying, “I will NEVER forgive him for this!” But in their heart they know they need to at some point, or they will never have as full a life as they deserve.
Most religions encourage, or even demand, forgiveness. But normally we have a lot of grief and healing work to do before we are ready to tackle forgiveness. There are some people who can jump to forgiveness right off the bat. I couldn’t. It took me a long time to get to that place.
We have to get there eventually, but don’t feel guilty about still feeling more disgust and hurt in your heart than forgiveness, especially after infidelity. I not only felt hate for my ex, but I had hate in my heart for the woman who was his willing and eager mistress.
Forgiveness is a process, and your life will be much better if you get there sooner rather than later. Be patient with yourself and keep moving in that direction.
Reconnecting or Moving On
“Moving on” after a divorce caused by infidelity is also such an easy thing to say. It’s a very difficult thing to do especially in the beginning. For one thing, he is usually much further ahead in the process if he has been fostering this new relationship for some time.
So while I was still in the sobbing, screaming, devastation phase of recovery, he was already out and about showing off his new woman and introducing her to our kids and family and friends.
That was one of the most difficult “stages of healing after an affair:” He moves happily on to his new love after separation or divorce while we are still in the fetal position in our bed trying to get up every day. Him thinking that his life has just taken a bright step forward, brings a grief that is hard to describe and hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it.
Remember, Infidelity Recovery Stages are just that. Stages. Get connected with other women who are healing after their husband’s infidelity. Be patient. We can make that happen in our Recovery Program.
I totally agree with you. I just have one question why does your ex husband and his new wife have to be so ugly and mean to me and my boys. The new wife will not let him have anything to do with our boys, his parents, my family or his friends. She has been very ugly to everyone sending letters and text messages that are very hurtful and mean. She has sent them to all of us. It has hurt everyone of us so bad but especially our 3 boys who does not understand why their dad has totally turned his back on them he want even talk to them. She told one of his friends she wants the past to be in the past. She lets him connect with her family and her daughter. She writes the text messages and letters but send it in his name like he wrote the letters/and or text messages. What causes him to act like this? Both parties were married when this affair started. We were married for 30 years and the new wife and her exhusband we married for about 25 years. They started the affair on the Ashley Madison website. Her divorce was finally on a Friday and they were married the next Saturday. It’s really hard to get over any of this when these two continue to be mean and vindictive all the time. For example sending me child support check and changing banks after I receive the checks so when I go to the bank the check is no good. Stopping my youngest sons college fees and not telling us and my son gets called to the business office at his college and they tell him he can’t graduate until the funds are paid and his dad refused… Read more »
Suzy, Thank you for your post. I am actually a Dad with 5 kids, that was abandoned by my wife some 4 years ago. I loved my wife very much….wow I just noticed that statement…It seems I might have made some progress at last toward truly letting go…..During my 22 years of marriage before her departure, the marriage had taken a great deal of discipline and sacrifice to deal with her constant theatrics and unmitigated need for new and ever more expensive stimuli. This was a women with literally everything. Eventually she abandoned all her children 4 years ago taking an online lover I learnt very belatedly only last year and running off to another country. She has not returned and likely never will. Seeing how well the kids have developed without her negative influences (though I have always encouraged them to stay in touch) but they all are doing much better now. At first I maintained contact sending countless emails over that time, to try to get her to reconnect with the family. I even sent her a LOT of money for some years as I thought she was just suffering from deep depression, but as I found out later, she was simply smack bang in the middle of what was her 2nd affair and had me paying her accommodation, maxing out ALL the cards over several years, while I supported all the kids at home and the mortgage too and now paying it all back. Meanwhile, she waited out for her new BF to dump his wife and child on the street, which he did, keeping her his secret. I have never had a cent back from her for our children, other than the odd kids present. The axed wife of my wife’s BF died not a year… Read more »
Hi Tamara. I think the key is keeping your dignity intact. It is called doing the right thing for the right reason to achieve In the right outcome ultimately. Infidelity can cause a great hurt. Keeping your dignity helps to get to know the new you in a good way.
Hello, my husband have been married for 9 years and decided to get pregnant with our third baby before he deployed. He deployed, I found out a few weeks later I was pregnant. We decided on the name right away together. Soon into the following month he began acting weird and distant. A few weeks after that he said he needed to move out to “work on himself and be the best he can be” and I told him if he did that we’d get a divorce because I’m not going to be married to someone who lives 10 minutes up the street but just wants to be married and a father while it’s convenient. He said fine. He said he filed right away. He was gone for 5 months and always said he was never talking to anyone else. He was always alone and discovering himself. I begged to go to counseling. For him to let me in. To save our marriage, family and friendship. I cried every second for months. I saw him finally after five months. He only stayed with the kids 1.5 hours before he said he had to go and was tired. He’d never give me his address. Didn’t bother with the kids much. Before that he was always a present parent. A month later he gave me his address so I allowed him to take the kids. That’s when my 7 year old came back to tell me about miss Stacy and her son. Miss Stacy was at daddy’s house, gave my kids a bath, and stayed the night. Daddy has a huge mansion home with miss Stacy. My husband denied it and said she was a friend who comes over from time to time. I believed him at one point when he came… Read more »
Like everyone, I was reading this https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/infidelity-recovery-stages/ and I think it describes me pretty good. I am now 6 weeks into discovering that my wife of 13 and 1/2 years had multiple affairs sought out on Ashley Madison and other websites. It’s amazing, my little boy tipped me off although I began having a sense that it could be true. The lies and more lies and accusations against me were just too strange so I looked at her tablet only to find videos, pictures, love notes to suitors etc….. that sparked this nightmare of a life I an now in. It’s amazing, i too don’t feel much anger, I am just sad and hurt mostly, well, that’s me and seems like others do that too. I did get really angry yesterday because my wife’s sister’s boyfriend wrote a nasty note to me calling me all sorts of names, threatening my life because my wife who is from the other side of the world with no family here has told them her story, but with me as the culprit. That makes me incredibly angry because it is such a harsh and horrible lie that makes people in her family want to kill me basically, plus it’s like throwing me to the wolves once again, first finding out through pictures about her lovers and now these lies ontop of all the others. Speaking of lies, this author writes how harsh that lying to your face is; those are just things that are hard to get over because it fractures everything you thought you knew about that person. That’s a really hard pill to swallow and the constant blaming of me for her indiscretions, well, that’s a mind trip that haunts me every morning when I first open my eyes. I also identify with the thoughts… Read more »
I had the same thing happen to me after 30 years of marriage. I still struggle with forgiveness because of the lies he tells about me even now. He had an affair for around 2 years (Not his first) and is now married to this woman who was also married to someone else when they met. I recently read the book “Runaway Husbands.” ( I highly recommend this book! I wish I found it when I first went through this!) It explains the kind of person who does this. Which is a narcissist. It hit my relationship on the head. Our relationship was always about him. For example, He never wanted to hear about my day, but spent every evening telling me every detail about his. He told me I was complaining or bragging when I tried to tell him about mine. I was blindsided by our divorce and his dissertation, because he carefully planned everything and took everything of value while I was at work. The woman he had the affair with and married is 18 years younger. I was 55 when it happened, and I remembered on my 50th birthday he had looked me up and down with a very critical look. Shortly after he had told me I was getting old, fat and ugly. I am 5/4” and weighed about 125 pounds (but far from being fat!) which is allot heavier than the 104 I weighed when we married. But he himself weighed well over 200lbs, and is 6 years older than me. He left with no explanation other than “he never loved me and didn’t love me now.” I learned from therapy that he is a narcissist, and he was also abusive in many, many ways. It still hurts because he still tells people lies like… Read more »
Wow… your story is all too familiar. Thank you for sharing many other stories in the comments above. There is great value knowing I am not alone and that I am not the crazy one! Lean on those who offer strength and support and keep the faith. For me, it was my greatest strength in surviving repeated infidelity and narcissistic abuse. As bleak and hopeless you may feel while you’re going through this storm, know that it will get better, there will be better days ahead. Fight hard, stay strong and model residency for your children. I drew strength from them, they are my world!
This Article was exactly what I needed to read. We were married for 21 years and together for 24. He left stating he was unhappy etc, needed to go find himself etc, I found out 8 months later it was for another women and that there had been a previous affair. My world crashed when he left but words can’t describe how I felt learning of the affair. It has now been two years since he left, but only just over a year since I learned of the affairs. I am still destroyed to this day. It consumes me. We had our troubles no doubt but I loved him and most of all I trusted him. Your article hit home. I am still very much in the hurt phase, while he has now bought a house with her and my kids like her. He is enjoying his new life while I sit stuck unable to “let go and move on” no matter how hard I try. Knowing that I am some what normal to feel this way after 1.5 years gave me a bit of peace. Thank you.
Good article. My personal journey of pain started when I found out my wife of 24 years was in an affair while I was away on a mission trip for our church, kind of brutal. BUT, One thing that isn’t discussed here much is the behavior of the offending spouse. People describe narcissists as people who love themselves. But thats not really a narcissist. Because generally people that have good self worth and understand who they are and where they want to go have a healthy respect for others and themselves. People who are narcissists don’t understand love. Just what “feels good”. Which is why a lot of the marriage advice out there is flawed and why marriages fail. Our spouses aren’t meant to be our source of value and purpose and “happiness”. Because we are all imperfect and so are our marriages. And happiness is fleeting. The word people are looking for is JOY and PEACE and CONTENTMENT. That doesn’t come from chasing happiness. SO, stop worrying about what you did wrong in the marriage. It often has very little to do with what YOU did or ARE. And once you realize what our spouses are NOT suppose to be, hopefully that helps in the process of healing. Because often my own disappointment and anger revolves about what she did to me, etc. But if we apply the same logic that our spouse is not meant to fulfill this key center part of our life in GOOD WAYS, similarly they shouldn’t hold power over us in BAD WAYS. Ive been and going through all of this with you. I know you can’t WILL yourself to believe in something and we all have to go through a process which is why this takes a while. Be patient y’all….
Time heals. Pray. Stay strong. Things will be better on the other side of this. We will make it through…