Is The Divorce My Fault?

2018-01-10T18:10:37+00:00

“It’s easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.” ~ Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson

Owning Our Mistakes

During divorce, we are often advised to identify our own short comings in the marriage that led to the divorce.  My ex-husband definitely made it seem like our divorce was my fault. I often heard the phrase, “If I had only… *fill in the blank.”

I do take full responsibility for the countless mistakes I made during our 33-year marriage. I know, without a doubt, I could have done a lot things better.

But then, my ex-husband wasn’t perfect either, nor did I expect him to be. And I didn’t cause him to start seeking solace or pleasure or companionship in another woman, instead of coming to me and honestly telling me he wasn’t happy. I will never take responsibility for that, because it was his choice completely.

Fault-Finders

Here’s the deal, some people will always be “fault-finders.” They are never satisfied, no matter what the circumstances. It’s either too hot or too cold. The food at the restaurant is always overcooked. Their neighbors don’t mow their lawn enough, or they mow too early. Let’s decide today to NOT be like that.

What I’ve discovered in the whole midlife divorce process is that, even if we don’t have the normal disposition to find fault, there are so many things going wrong, someone must be at fault. Either we are, or our wasband’s girlfriend is, or his coddling parents are, or the availability of porn on the internet… you get the picture.

Taking Responsibility For Our Future

One thing my older brother used to say was that, “No one can make you mad. You make the choice to be mad.” Though that’s technically true, still, people do things that are hurtful and unloving. And that is not my fault; it’s theirs.

But what I finally figured out (after a long time), was that if someone is continually doing destructive things to me, and I do nothing to change it, the situation does become my fault. When I continued to accept the unacceptable, it was not my ex-husband’s fault that my life was in shambles, it was mine.

We all have to take full responsibility for how our lives are unfolding during, and after a divorce. I prayed about what God wanted me to do in my situation, and then took steps to live my life according to those directions the best I could.  Through that process, I finally realized that if I allowed someone to destroy my life with their bad choices, there was no one to blame but myself.

”  … as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.” ~ Joshua 24:15b (NIV)

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About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.

One Comment

  1. Dr. Anita Blanchard February 14, 2015 at 12:47 pm - Reply

    I am divorced after 30 years of marriage. My marriage relationship underwent the same path that you have trod on……………..lies, deceit, pornography, sex with other women, mental cruelty and parents and family saying their prince charming was faultless. Finally, trusting God to see me through……………..I moved out of the family home once both my children had left.

    The demon filed a Divorce Case as well as a Financial Case without any pre-warning……………….God fought the battle for me as I represented myself in Court. Truth and Justice will prevail if we lean on God and trust Him.

    I live alone, but I have accomplished much since my separation including obtaining a PhD in Mathematics. Yes, you are right……………..like you, I had to take charge of myself and do something to put an end to untold grief and pain that I had been enduring for decades.

    “I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me” – Phil 4:13

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