Looking okay, feeling miserable after divorce


Advice to someone starting this divorce recovery journey

Guest blog from Brenda

Trust was key to me.  Trust that you will be okay.  Trust that you will survive the pain that this journey inevitably will bring.  You have more strength than you realize.  You will come out on the other side a changed person.  You can choose to learn and use that knowledge in ways that enhance your life!  You have choices at every turn.  You can choose to be wiser, stronger, a better person as a result of this journey, or you can take the route that will bring yourself and others increased pain and bitterness for years to come.  Trust, figure out what you need on your journey, give yourself permission to ask for help and to take care of yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other, trust God and others to help and support you.

I remember getting so frustrated when people would say you’re doing so well, when I felt so miserable.  If this is what “well” looks like, tell me what “awful” looks like.  At times I had to take solace in just getting up, showering, and going to work each day and not choosing self-destructive behavior.  But, how long was I going to have to be content to be doing “so well” when I was so miserable that I didn’t know if I could keep going.  I cried more during those times than the rest of my life (so far) put together.  I had to trust that I would be okay, I would survive.  The journey SLOWLY moved from heart-breaking pain, to surviving, to being content, to finally seeing (not just trusting) periods when life was good again.  For me there were no shortcuts around this, just enduring through it, one day after another.  But, trust was what I relied on in those times when I couldn’t see, or feel that life was going to be good again.  And you know, it was enough, I was right to trust, because life is indeed good again.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.  Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge.    Psalm 62:1-2,8

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (guide and protect you).    Proverbs 3:5-6

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.    Jeremiah 29:11

Share your guest blog by sending it to radicalsuzy@gmail.com or sending it on the contact page of midlifedivorcerecovery.com.  Sharing your wisdom helps others and getting things down in writing helps you, too.


About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.


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  2. Joe December 20, 2012 at 5:38 am - Reply

    I can attest to your experience. I am going through a divorce with three little girls and 10 years of marriage. It has been the most emotional challenging experience that I have ever had. With the tearing of a family for reasons of a mom and dad growing apart…I feel miserable inside. I had thoughts during the first 6 months of separation – thoughts that we can preserve our marriage by taking the time necessary to learn and grow again. I have given up for the petitioner will not engage in any type of communication. She has grown extremely cold, selfish and vindictive of which is not making it any better for our children. All three of my girls are having a tough time especially my eldest of 8. She misses her daddy so much – I have 4 days of visitation each month. They will be emotionally scarred for some time from this terrible experience.

    I am showing signs of strength and a difference in my attitude. I just regained employment after a rough 3 years of in and out of jobs as well as being forced from my home without a job and not much in savings. I will have to rebuild a career in information technology/systems or I will decide on a different path. As the divorce draws near – the beginning of 2013, I am actually becoming a bit more excited to get this terrible and painful experience behind so I can move on with my life. I still care for my future ex wife, but the bitterness and my strong emotions cloud my judgement. This has been the most traumatizing experience that I have ever had…worse than death.

    I am starting to learn to be a bit more gentle with myself. Working a mindless job at this time has helped much for it affords me the time to think and re-organize my thoughts and commit to this experience as nothing more than a hard learning experience. It is unfortunate that three children are stuck in the middle of this learning experience:)

    Well, I hope I can stay off of the streets with paying child support, etc. I am sure that in time I will have a new found focus and will begin a new chapter after preface is over. Best wishes.

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