This blog is for men who say the words “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” and their wives or ex-wives who have heard those heart-stopping, soul-crushing words from their husband.
ARRRGH! There it is again, that infuriating, devastating phrase…”I love you but I’m not in love with you.” If I hear that phrase again, I think I’ll throw up! (Note: I am not a professional therapist. A traditional therapist would probably take a much more measured response to this problem!)
In my midlife divorce recovery work, women often tell me that “he loves me, but he’s not in love with me.” Or they tell me he said “I love you but not like that.” Like that?!
These husbands often said these words to their wife before telling her he needs a divorce. Or they use another equally offensive phrase…“I need to find myself.” They usually know exactly where they are, and it’s either emotionally or physically with another woman!
It’s like men think that the phrase “I love you, but not in love with you” or “I love you, but not like that” will make their wife or their soon-to-be ex wife feel better. It doesn’t. It just makes the guy who said it look somewhere between patronizing and pathetic.
HEY GUYS!! If you have uttered any variation of the words to your life partner, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” you should be embarrassed and ashamed. Those words don’t even make sense (unless of course they are said by a man who somehow thinks saying that phrase will make them look better to the woman he is getting ready, as one RADiCAL woman said, “to ‘dump!’”
Love is a verb. Love is not something like a big hole you fall into or crawl out of.
Think about it. What is a guy really trying to convey when he says, “Honey, I love you, but I’m just not ‘in’ love with you anymore?”
“What?” “What do you mean?” we ask. “Are you saying ‘I want to have sex with or go on vacations with or sneak around with someone else’?” Guys who use these inane, hurtful phrases are actually saying to their wife, “When things are hard or challenging or maybe not as spicy as I want, I’ll jump ship so I can be with someone else who has already fallen into the hole of love with me.”
Seriously, what is a wife supposed to do with that phrase? Are we supposed to say, “Thanks so much. I’m so glad you still love me, but go ahead … go have some fun with your assistant who is in your hole of love with you.” ?
Maybe we try saying, “Well, what will it take for you to be ‘in’ love with me, again?”
Women have told me different things they have tried to re-start the flame of desire.
- “I wrote him heart-felt letters.”
- “I sent him sexy messages inviting him to secret afternoon delights with innocent X-rated things planned.”
- “I focused on us.”
- “I tried to make sure I dressed up a little more every day because I worked from home.”
- “I lost weight.”
One woman said, “I tried everything I could think of. But I guess he wasn’t ‘in’ love with me like he was ‘in’ love with his girlfriend.”
Why Do Men Say It?
They Want A Divorce
An article in Psychology Today several years back described the ten words, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” as the sentence that has ended more marriages than any other sentence. The author, Vikki Stark, MSW, MFT, said once those words were uttered by either party, there was little hope of fixing things. I disagree. I believe passionate love can be rekindled if both partners want their relationship to be great again. I do agree with the writer that repair is almost impossible if the husband has another relationship in the full teenager-like “can’t live without her” mode!
In midlife, especially, we definitely need to attend to our primary relationship. We have to prioritize time together. Sometimes, not purposely, but by default, we get everything we need to get done in an “ordinary” busy day and then fall exhausted into bed at night. Both husband and wife need to keep that flame of excitement and fun and adventure in their relationship. It’s not just the wife’s job. And really, if the husband spent as much energy and money and time wooing his wife instead of his wooing his girlfriend, maybe the spark would still burn brightly in their marriage.
Again, here is some advice for any man who is thinking of using that phrase to break the divorce news to your wife. DON’T DO IT! It makes you look weak and cowardly. If you want a divorce, have the guts to come out and just say, “I want a divorce.”! Don’t embarrass yourself and think you’re doing your wife a favor by telling her you still love her. In my opinion, you don’t really love her if you say those stupid words especially after all hope of repair is gone from your heart.
Love is as love does. Love is a verb. No, you do not love a person if you are willing to break her heart, destroy a family and betray all of your promises to her without giving her a chance to fix the things you feel are missing from your relationship. That is not love! It is a heart-hurting, gut-wrenching insult especially after years of a good marriage! Maybe she was worried about her middle aged body or the fact that you seemed to think she was boring or was not as trendy and fit and carefree as your girlfriend is.
Women in midlife find it hard to compete with someone 20 or 25 years younger with few obligations and a new toolkit of sexual toys and positions and ready for adventure with an older guy paying for everything. It’s a perfect storm, he feels needed and vital and rejuvenated. She feels cared for and doted on and admired. The wife in the equation is sometimes just the odd-woman out. The law of the jungle type thing.
They’re Afraid To Say What They Really Feel
I’ve read in an article in popular culture media somewhere that men are just trying to protect their wife they “love but are not in love with.” They know they are going to break her heart, but they are trying to look loving and caring as they do it.
And yes, men are cowards when they say the words, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” (Maybe if I say that phrase enough it will be like overcoming the disgust people feel about snakes…keep relating with snakes and pretty soon you don’t recoil when you see them. I’m not there yet on the ‘not in love’ phrase yet, but maybe after a few more hundred times I hear it, I will be. (sigh)
Yes, our husbands are often afraid to say what they really feel. If they had been saying what they really felt all along in the relationship, maybe they wouldn’t have to lie like this at the end. And they wouldn’t be leaving without giving us any say in the matter and after they have already been playing around with another woman they obviously are “in” love with.
They Love Someone Else (Or Think They Do)
By the time a man says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” they are usually already way down the road with the new woman they are infatuated with! I always wonder how long it’s going to take before they tell the new woman they love her but aren’t really “in” love with her anymore either.
After that phrase is uttered, many women start blaming themselves. Women say, “I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs that he no longer loves me. Maybe I should have done this or not done that. Maybe I let work and kids and living a busy midlife get in the way of being more attentive.”
I repeat, any man who says those words is not demonstrating love. He is demonstrating cowardice and resignation. He is demonstrating selfishness. He is showing he doesn’t know what real love is.
If you are facing divorce because your husband is involved with another woman he is “in love” with (sigh), we can help. Sign up for our FREE Divorce Recovery Crash Course and get started figuring out your own path forward.
Geez, this article fits me to a T, except the gender roles are reversed. I sometimes feel like *I* am the crazy one for not accepting that my wife fell in love with somebody else. I feel like I’m inadequate, just because I may have focused too much on the kids and not enough on the marital relationship. I appreciate your words of understanding.
Translation: “I love you” = I do care about you. “But I’m not IN love with you.” But I’m just not attracted to you anymore.
Unfortunate but true … whether it’s coming from a man or woman.
Well, then, just SAY that! But think about someone you love saying that to you. Would you say in response, “Is there anything I can do to make you attracted to me again?” or “What is it that is making you not attracted to me any more?” Would you be willing to answer those questions honestly? Would you be willing to work on your relationship to make each of you feel more valued and attractive to each other in the marriage?
My soon to be ex says that all the time, along with he no longer desires me as a love/lover. Then he’ll rage and say he hates me and I’m his mortal enemy. Latest was today. All of this because he left me for 2 different women. One he met on a dating site, and the other a webcam girl(almost 30 years younger than either of us.) He was doing these things a few years before I ever found out, which I did last year. He was willing to try and kill me over this woman(webcam girl.) He’s also put us in financial ruin because of it, and there’s possibly a child involved. He won’t confirm, but he doesn’t deny it either. He’s denied physically sleeping with another woman, but too many red flags and timelines don’t match up, and he’s left quite a long paper trail. Plus, he’s a crap liar once he was caught. Our divorce has turned bitter. I truly hate my life now and the decisions he made for me without ever letting me know he was unhappy, or giving me a chance to help fix it. That’s how he’s always handled problems. His mother enabled this behavior his whole life ; things get tough, turn your back on it and run. 36 years of my life—-gone, wasted.
Hi, I’d love to thank the writer for writing down these words and these feelings, that are exactly how I feel right now, very similar to what I have gone through the last couple of months. I thought everything was going well for me, living my dream life in a 10 years long relationship with my first and only love, we were finally going to start a family after a health problem prevented us for doing so in the last few years. Little did I know, my parter had been secretly dating a co worker of his for a few months. One night after a meaningless “fight” over daily things, he broke me the news; “I do love you but I’m not in love with you in that way anymore”, the same words you have written. Together with other pleasant things such as, “I’m not ready to have children; I might want them someday but not now” could’ve we wait? No, because I “will be too old then” while his younger, healthier girlfriend will be perfectly fit for the job. I am shocked, I never thought one would want to run away from his love, his life, his promises. What is love? an infatuation that eventually dies down after a few years, until it is sparked again by a newer, younger, more care free lover? I am truly shocked… I don’t think I will be able to get over this
The author did a great job explaining the recipients confusion when these words are uttered. I wish there had been a lot less gender bias on the authors part, but it’s her audience. With full acknowledgment of our gender specific experiences. It is cowardly, uncaring and dishonest no matter who utters the words, and if you are in a relationship/marriage for the right reasons, they are open to a wide range of interpretation that justifies confusion, hurt, and misunderstanding.