“I think this is how we are supposed to be in the world –present and in awe. There is ecstasy in paying attention.” ~Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird
Finding Appreciation
In the middle of divorce, life sometimes seems dull and dark, and sadly unworthy of our attention or appreciation. In fact, often on this divorce journey, we can only notice the devastation … the ugliness … and the pain.
Being aware of the moment is one of the keys to living a vibrant life. When you stop and think of the absolute miracle that is this present moment, you can’t help but be awestruck and amazed.
Think of your body at this very moment (regardless of the fact that we probably all could stand to lose a few pounds, and tone up the pounds we have.) Think about the beautiful complexities of how your body works. How your sense of smell and taste work as you enjoy your coffee, how your eyes work as you watch the sunrise, how your mind works as you read this blog. Miracles.
It’s only in paying attention to life that we fully appreciate it. It’s only in really noticing the incredible beauty of some simple flowers sitting on the table in the sunlight that we can actually be awe-struck.
The Miracle Of The Moment
The sad thing is we have grown so used to the simple, daily miracles of life that we often miss them altogether. And then add on the top of our inattention, add our hyper-focus on our midlife divorce. Suddenly we are not amazed at life, but instead are full of fear and insecurity, anger and sadness.
Life’s challenging experiences are an integral part of our existence, but let’s make sure those things don’t hide and cover the magnificence of the precious shining moments before us every single day.
So, today, regardless of the fact that we are in the middle of recovering from the hurt and heartache of divorce, let’s take time to pay attention to the miracle of the moment and be awed anew by it. Life is made up of the moments. It’s only in noticing their simple but extravagant beauty that we can actually appreciate the glory all around us. Let’s all pay attention today.
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” ~ Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
Maybe I just haven’t found the right blog post that addresses it. However, what I’m hurting over a lot is trying to find the “umph” in me to hold onto those same values I had before.
I was a stay at home, home schooling mama. I spent a lot of my focus on what was best for the kids, best for the family, best as a wife, best way to preserve their childhood without over sheltering them… how to please God in a role that was a supporting role. I was never interested in leading. Never wanted to be the boss. I LIKED being the one that turned around to take care of the kids during long car rids. That packed what we needed for the trip. That planned for her family.
Instead, I am now playing every possible role my kids need and only able to give a very small portion to each role. It’s like I’m a half a mom, a half a dad, and even mix in parts of extended family (which we have very little)… and none of those roles is successful because I can’t give any of them ALL of me.
I don’t know how to not be a wife. I don’t know how to lead the kids when I wasn’t supposed to BE the leader. And those super careful choices I used to make for my kids? Now, I’ve given up and say, “i’m doing my best, if that’s not good enough they will figure it out someday in therapy.”
I don’t want to be this crappy mom anymore. Barely struggling by. I don’t know what “values and morals” I really have anymore let alone what I want for and from the kids.