Rage and Being Outrageous During Divorce

2018-01-10T18:10:47+00:00

When you’re trying to cope with divorce, I’m not advocating a state of constant agitation or flying off the handle all the time.  But every once in a while it’s okay to slam a door, throw something or hit something as long as you’re not hurting yourself, someone else or someone else’s property.

During my divorce recovery journey, there were more than a few times when I was completely out of control with rage.  That’s not my nature … and being in control is usually better.  I destroyed a basket by hitting it against a door in our house; I ruined a roll of wrapping paper because I was trying to hit anything I could hit in our mudroom, including my soon to be ex; I took a hammer and smashed the gifts my wasband had given his girlfriend that she returned during a “spat” they had.  I threw a plate of spaghetti out in the yard.  (This happened over 3 long agonizing years … just so you don’t judge me too harshly!)

And you know what, I had a right to be furious in every case, and I felt better afterwards.  I have a great little book entitled The Art of Imperfection.  The following quote from that book made me feel better about my outbursts during the divorce journey:  “Be outrageous — and slam that door!  As you do so, remind yourself that your recklessness is nothing but the expression of a cosmic urge to challenge the general tendency of things to ebb toward a lukewarm and boring equilibrium.”

Divorce is anything but a boring equilibrium!  It is your whole world turned upside down which causes rage and chaos that is hard to manage.  Dana Hood, author of I Will Change Your Name, a book of divorce recovery meditations, has a friend who has a Wailing Wall.  When anyone needs an outlet to express rage and frustration about something, she takes you to this wall,  arms you with old dishes, and lets you smash away.  Dana said she was there several hours, yelling, crying, throwing and smashing.  I want to make a place like that in Kansas City.  RADiCAL women in this city would keep it busy!

Jesus Christ himself got furious enough about the bad behavior of people that he knocked over tables, in the temple no less, and sent stuff flying.  That always makes me feel better.

So go ahead!  Smash something if you need to!  Slam a door!  You’re in good company, and it will do you good.  Then, you can take a deep breath and get back to being your normal, mostly in-control, self.

“I know you well — you are neither hot nor cold;  I wish you were one or the other!  But since you are merely lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth!”  Revelation 3:15-16 (The Living Bible)

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About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.

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