“Being a widow is way better than being a divorcee. It’s better in every way. Financially, definitely. And it has to be far less damaging emotionally. Plus, everybody feels sorry for you and wants to help out. Nobody takes sides after a funeral the way they do with a divorce; there’s only one side left standing. Widowhood is so much easier on the friend pool.” ~ The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love
The Worst Kind Of Rejection
I have friends who are widows. I am not in any way minimizing the pain of that experience. They have their own real and deep agonies to deal with in that situation. But I do agree with the Sweet Potato Queen’s quote above. Divorce is a rejection that widows don’t have to deal with.
Husbands don’t decide to die, but they do decide that you are not fun enough or pretty enough or cool enough to stay married to. At least that’s how it feels.
Your divorce-desiring mate may have made the conscious choice to give up what you have built together for all those years. I don’t know of any worse rejection than that. And like the author above says, “Widowhood is … easier on the friend pool.”
Social Divorce
In my long-term marriage, most of our social connections were through my wasband’s profession. I had some female connections of my own, but most book clubs don’t have conferences where they have a weekend getaway with interesting tours and parties and delicious, private dinners. Most high school PTAs don’t have black-tie dances.
And instead of feeling sorry for you, some people seem to try to figure out what was “really” wrong with you, that your charming husband would have to leave. Plus you have to keep seeing him — either alone or with his skinny, attractive, always fun, new girlfriend or wife.
You Will Grow The Most Because Of It
I just want you to understand that what you are going through is the worst of the worst as far as personal rejection is concerned. Just accept that. But because it is the worst, you will grow the most because of it.
Adversity, dealt with correctly, can make us stronger and more loving and beautiful than ever. It’s just the pits to get through.
It’s Not Your Flaws
Remember, just because your wasband left, doesn’t mean you are the one who is flawed. Neither one of you are perfect. You aren’t. He isn’t. But just because he made the choices he did, don’t automatically accept what he’s telling you —that if you had been different, he wouldn’t have had to find someone else.
Realize that you are in for some tough days and nights … well, and maybe some tough months, but hang on. After the grieving and healing are behind you, you can create an adventurous, fun, new life full of all kinds of good things. That is God’s promise if we handle this situation right. Let your wasband go. You deserve something better.
“Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we’ll never comprehend what he knows and does. God puts the fallen on their feet again and pushes the wicked into the ditch.” ~ Psalm 147: 5 (The Message)
