Co-parenting with the stepmother of our children can be a bigger challenge than co-parenting with our ex-husband. Especially if the stepmother is “the other woman” who was involved with our ex-husband while we were still married, accepting her as stepmother to our children just sucks! It adds fuel to the fire if she is moving into what used to be our house with the person who used to be our husband and having a very big influence on our children!
To be fair, I’m sure being a step-mother isn’t a piece of cake, either! A step-mother may have the best intentions, but she may be dealing with his children who don’t accept her, and her own children who don’t want to share her. She actually may be trying to do the best she can in spite of all of that. As hard as it is, try to give her some grace.
A stepmother can have a way of overstepping her boundaries whether she realizes it or not.
Whether she is “the other woman” who was involved with our ex-husband before our divorce, or the “new woman” who has entered the life of our children after our divorce, dealing with a stepmother overstepping her boundaries hurts in so many ways.
As moms, sometimes we view the stepmother much like we view the ugly, heartless stepmother of Cinderella. From Greek mythology to Grimm’s Fairy Tales, almost all cultures have a “wicked stepmother” story. (That may be unfair, but just saying!) The only trouble is, often our children’s stepmother is not physically an old crag…she may be more like eye candy for our ex-husband. (Ugh!) She is probably trying to impress new children and new hubby alike.
A few stepmoms flagrantly overstep their boundaries either by trying to replace us or by trying to convince their new husband about what a good choice he made. Others may view our children as a nuisance…who “get in the way” of what she really wants…their dad.
Often the difficulty divorce causes for our children is more devastating to us as mothers than the trouble our divorce is causing us as women. Children are precious and can be fragile, but they are also resilient and strong, and it’s important that we realize and reinforce that.
If your children are young…
The stepmother will most likely be playing a bigger part in the lives of young children than we want. The biological mother/child bond is sacred, and biological moms are very protective of that relationship.
One of the women who came to Midlife Divorce Recovery for help talked about opening up her pre-teen daughter’s suitcase, after a weekend with her dad and her new (O.W.) stepmother, to find some beautifully wrapped cookies that the stepmother had baked for her with a note that said something like, “I miss you already!”
The mother was furious and immediately put the beautiful treats unceremoniously down the disposal before her daughter could see them! I’m not condoning that action, but I am confirming that most mothers in that situation might want to do that very thing!
If your children are older…
The stepmother may be closer to our children’s age than to our age. (Ugh, Again! ) In that case, she can become:
- The “cool” confidant
- The young, healthy running companion
- The skinny “friend” who likes the same music our children do…making us feel old, discarded and useless, but more importantly, threatened that we are losing our connection as mother to our children.
Early on, I struggled every time I sent my then teenage son to his dad’s house for his specified time. If there had been a stepmother there at the time, it would have been worse. Even knowing he had to interact with the other woman at all was infuriating. One time he asked, “What am I supposed to do, talk about the weather?”
Types of Overstepping
Talking Negatively About You
Talking badly about the other parent is common in divorce. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. But it’s just as bad if the stepmother talks negatively about us in front of our children, or worse, talks badly about us to the children directly.
When children hear their stepmother badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to stand up and say something in our defense. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace between you and their dad or between the stepmother and their dad. It puts them in a very uncomfortable, confusing position.
If the stepmother is badmouthing us, it’s not only hurtful to our relationship with our child, but it’s infuriating! We can’t defend ourselves when it happens, and It usually makes us furious at both the stepmother and our ex-husband, too. And the children are given one more difficult situation to navigate.
By the way, the children’s father should be the one to nip the stepmother’s badmouthing in the bud!
Badmouthing Choices or Traditions
Another kind of badmouthing that is confusing to our children is when the stepmother criticizes our traditions or other sensitive choices like religion, Often, as mothers, we are trying to maintain spiritual and holiday traditions in the midst of this mess, while the stepmother sometimes demeans, makes fun of or discounts those traditions.
Again, the children’s father should not allow the stepmother to undermine what you are trying to instill as the children’s mother.
Breaking Parenting Rules
Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. One of the most difficult areas of co-parenting (including step-parents) is maintaining parenting rules. The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents.
Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family.
Discipline
Pre-teens and teens are, by design, usually pushing the boundaries of discipline. Even without divorce and stepmothers involved, there are challenges when children this age are becoming more independent and more outspoken about family rules and discipline.
But setting strong, reasonable boundaries is important during divorce and especially when step-parents are involved. Normal kids complain about rules, stepmothers or not, and that’s okay. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control.
Giving children of all ages secure boundaries that are discussed and consistently enforced, makes them feel more secure and more loved. When we become so busy and overwhelmed about our own lives, sometimes we think we are making it easier for children to be more relaxed about the rules. We are not.
Keep in mind, though, that we also need to be flexible. For instance, a teenager’s time for bed is set for 10:00 pm. At 10:00pm he or she may be really upset or worried about something and just needs to let off some steam shooting baskets in the driveway. Teenagers may just need to be allowed to communicate with a friend outside of the determined hours. Be sensitive to kids’ needs and allow for some flexibility in situations like that.
Trying to Replace You
Let me be clear. Your children’s stepmother will never replace you! You are your children’s biological mother. That will never change. It is wrong for a stepmother to somehow try to replace you in your children’s lives. She is there to support their dad and be available for your children within the boundaries of that new role.
Sometimes she is also mothering her own children who may also now be in the family, and that compounds the possibility of favoritism or caring for some children differently than others. It’s definitely a fine line to walk.
Types of Overstepping
Talking Negatively About You
Talking badly about the other parent is common in divorce. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. It’s just as bad if the stepmother talks negatively about us in front of our children, or worse, talks badly about us to the children directly. We shouldn’t put her down either as much as we may want to.
When children hear their stepmother badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to defend us. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace in an awkward, confusing position. Our children are given one more difficult situation to navigate.
By the way, the children’s father should be the one to nip the stepmother’s badmouthing in the bud!
Badmouthing Choices or Traditions
Another kind of badmouthing that is confusing to our children is when the stepmother criticizes our traditions or other sensitive choices like religion. Often, as mothers, we are trying to maintain spiritual and holiday traditions in the midst of this mess, while the stepmother sometimes demeans, makes fun of, or discounts those traditions.
Again, the children’s father should not allow the stepmother to undermine what you are trying to instill as the children’s mother.
Breaking Parenting Rules
Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. One of the most difficult areas of co-parenting (including stepparents) is maintaining parenting rules. The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents.
Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family.
Discipline
Pre-teens and teens are, by design, usually pushing the boundaries. Even without divorce and stepmothers involved, there are challenges when children this age are becoming more independent and more outspoken about family rules and discipline.
Setting strong, reasonable boundaries is important during divorce and especially when stepparents are involved. Normal kids complain about rules, stepmothers or not, and that’s okay. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control.
Giving children of all ages secure boundaries that are discussed and consistently enforced, makes them feel more secure and more loved. When we become so busy and overwhelmed about our own lives, sometimes we think we are making it easier for children when we ignore the rules. We are not. We are making life more difficult.
Keep in mind, though, that we all need to be reasonably flexible. Be sensitive to kids’ needs and allow for some common sense give and take.
Trying to Replace You
Let me be clear. Our children’s stepmother will never replace us! We are our children’s biological mother. That will never change. It is wrong for a stepmother to in any way try to replace us in our children’s lives. She is there to support their dad and be available for our children within the boundaries of that new role.
Sometimes she is also mothering her own children who may now be in the family, and that compounds the possibility of favoritism or caring for some children differently than others. It’s definitely a fine line to walk for everyone concerned.
What To Do About It
The best thing we can do for our children after divorce and especially when a stepmother comes into the picture, is to get better ourselves.
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Our kids need to be able to go to the other parent’s house, and know that we are going to be okay and not a crying mess. We need to be getting stronger physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in every way we can. We need to make our children’s time with us “normal” and the best it can possibly be. We cannot control anything that goes on at our ex-husband’s house, unless, of course, you fear for your children’s safety.
That means:
- Don’t ask questions about the stepmom or your ex.
- Don’t press your children to talk about their time away, but let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
- Don’t get enraged or sad when your children talk about things that happened at their dad’s house with the stepmom. Ask instead, “How did that make you feel?” Then talk about that.
- Maintain your own boundaries and rules when the children are at your house.
- Focus on teaching them the powerful lessons of resilience during this challenging time.
- Let them know that you are okay…that they don’t have to protect you or be your support system.
- Be confident, joyful and excited about life. That will rub off on your children.
- Let them know you are all in this together and you will get through this.
Remember, co-parenting with your ex-husband and the stepmother is not a competition. It is a team effort with the goal of providing the most secure, stable, functional environment for your children possible.
Talk To Her
Sometimes, it is helpful to have a one-to-one conversation with the stepmom, as difficult as that might be, especially if she is the “other woman” who had a part in destroying your family. Maybe writing a letter could be helpful.
Don’t immediately think of her as an adversary. She may have children of her own, and she may be doing the best she can in a very complicated situation, just like you are. And, who knows, you may actually become a stepmother yourself at some point.
Make clear your desire to work together for the best for the kids. Discuss any areas of conflict calmly and reasonably.
Talk To Your Ex-Husband
Having a frank conversation with your ex-husband about the welfare of your children is something that should happen early on. Be clear about your expectations, and listen to what he is concerned about. Remember – your top priority is what is best for your children.
Make sure that when your children are at your house, they feel safe, secure, loved and happy. You can’t control what happens at your ex’s house, or what your children’s stepmother is doing, but you can control what happens at your house. Make it good! And fun!
Our MasterPlan program includes the six-part “Parenting Through Divorce” program, developed by an older child of divorce. Grady, our youngest son interviewed several of his 30-something friends about what they were thinking and needing during their own parents’ divorce. The program gives insights straight from the kids.
Remember: Stepmothers aren’t usually “the enemy.” We have to focus on providing the best environment possible for our children when they are with us. No one can destroy our biological bond with them. The best thing we can do is make their time with us good and fun and nurturing in every way we can. To make that happen, we have to get better ourselves after our divorce. We can help. You can get started today with the free Crash Course.
Hi, I am a stepmom, and a mom to my son. I feel that your article is giving too much fuel for a bio mom to take and throw back in a stepmom’s face/. In this modern age, and depending on the bio mom, parents in a household together should set the rules together and communicate that with the other party and agree upon things. But when you have a bio mom, like my stepdaughters, there is no getting to common ground because she defines her importance based on blood and jealousy. I think if you’re going to write something like you have, it is important to provide much more context than you’re giving. Validate appropriate and mature responses of a bio mom toward a stepmom and help her see how to correct those negative responses, don’t just tell her “she’s right” because it varies from family to family.
I agree.
I have 2 step children and we have a great relationship (even after 8 years), – but I’ve learned to not take responsibility unless I have authority.
This has solved a lot of resentment I was feeling at first, as I was cook/cleaner/tutorer etc- basically a servant to everyone.
Now, I only do things that I am happy to do, and leave all parenting to the actual parents. I am very respectful, do a lot of kind things for everyone, do way more than my share, but I no longer cook/clean etc, unless I want to.
I have my standards in my home, – basically everyone cleans up after themselves, and I get the dad to correct or fix things that the kids aren’t doing well. It’s not my problem. I take excellent care of my home and have standards that the kids are expected to respect, – and they do.
Their room can be as they like (- unless it smell! Lol), and they each have their own spaces in the kitchen for their own things/food etc. I am very tidy and clean, so if their space is messy, – it won’t affect me too much!
I now have a cleaner and take several days away regularly to visit my family. My husband cooks generally for his kids, and I prepare food when he is extra busy or I have lots of time.
I never discipline the kids (-they’re both teenagers now), – their dad deals with that completely. I remove myself from the picture at those times.
Their mother has dropped her kids to my place when it’s her turn several times, because she ‘needed a break’. At those times, I have catered to her kids respectfully, then stayed at a motel if i was annoyed.
Btw, we have his kids 50/50 and I have an adult son in his 20’s.
We have a very peaceful home, and the kids love and respect me very much, – and I them:-)!
I really appreciated your post. We have been in this situation and I am learning to hand the reins over to my husband, as he is the bio parent.
He works full time and I’m a full time student and mother to two toddlers. This makes my schedule more flexible. So I easily fell into parent mode (keeping everything equal). However, I have recently learned that it’s time to take a step back. My cooking was deemed “gross,” (they had vegetables with each meal and they were not use to it). So dad does the cooking and corrects behavior that we have established is not acceptable.
These tweaks have helped tremendously! I still do the dentist and doctor appointments, since it’s much easier for me to fit them in than my husband. But have evaluated my role in other areas.
I agree with your point on bedrooms as well! This was a point of tension for us, as the toddlers are expected to pick up their toys, but we are learning to give the older kids (12 & 10) some independence in this area.
Learning to balance a blended family is difficult for all parties involved. When each adult accepts that and can see the others perspective, life is much more enjoyable for both adults and children. And that is the ultimate goal. Divorce is not something kids enjoy. Keeping things as civil as possible is imperative for their well-being. My husbands ex wife has said some pretty nasty things over the phone, but she does a good job at being respectful in front of the kids.
Thank you❤️
We are people too and should not be seen as ‘servants’ in our own home. Good luck with your family!
Im sorry but I completely disagree . The term “ bio mom” is thrown around like an unimportant phrase by step mothers who seem to have an axe to grind when it comes to them . Theres article after article , pin after pin and post after post from “step moms” who get so offended because the biological mother stands her ground as the child’s parent . You need to respect her as the child or children’s mother and teach them to do the same. Most step moms assume they can have free reign of another woman’s children simply because their married to their father and the father allows it . Would u do that with someone else’s kids? No you wouldn’t Because their not yours and if you get down to it neither are your husbands children . Truth is the mother gets shafted in these situations and in many instances the kids are coached against their own mother . Step moms need to step off ! Be nice and respectful to your “step children “ but let them know that they are not yours to raise in any way but that you are there to help if their father needs it . They should know that their biological parents call the shots when it comes to them period .
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
To quote you “Let them know that they are not yours to raise in any way but that you are there to help if their father needs it”. So you want everything, for her to stay away, but also to help. To step back, but also to wipe noses and a*ses. Wake up! You can’t have everything! Either your husband takes 100% responsibility and the step mom is not expected to contribute at all, or she has the freedom to decide how and when she wants to help. You cannot cherrypick here, parenting is not a list of do’s and don’t’s where you can allow some things yet disallow others.
You sound like an extremely high conflict ex partner. Your narsarsistic insecurities will create such an awful environment in both homes. Bit of advice for you love as a step parent… WE DON’T WANT TO BE THERE MOTHER!!!!!! What we want is a household where respect is mutual and boundaries adhered to.
Amen! 100%. I agree. I have been divorced for 10 years, and my ex husband got re-married shortly after to a woman with no kids, but a B.A in Psychology. She basically walked in with a managerial personality, psychoanalyzing my kids, and has stomped on my toes left and right, and we have 50/50 joint and legal with no one having final say so. Its been hell. She made my relationship with my ex-husband worse than it already was, and bulldozes decisions I make with my kids, telling them the complete opposite, which gets very confusing for them. I have always tried to be respectful but at the end of they day, I am their Mother and very involved, and I always communicate with them and have been wiling to work things out, but it is not returned. I have always thought “How would she feel if someone did these things with her (now) 6 year old son?” Going against what she is teaching her kids, undermining her, stomping on her toes? No common courtesy or consideration. Its mind boggling. I agree the term “bio mom” is thrown around, and its sad. I wish some stepmoms would consider how they would feel (honestly) if things were turned around on them.
I am going through the exact same thing. It is HELL. And just like someone can say, “step parenting is harder, you don’t understand until you’ve done it”, I can say that you don’t understand what I’ve been through. When you have a woman come into your child’s life and tries to take total control, you’ll understand. This woman has told me that she has just as much rights as I do, that she’s a better mother to my son than I’ve ever been, she has given my son anxiety because she tries to dictate what we do on my time, she blocks all communication between my son and I when he’s on their time, she signs documents as the mother (school, daycare, sports, everything!). I’ve had to go back to every office, teacher, coach, etc. and have it corrected. She is controlling and narcissistic and it just blows my mind how someone with her own children can think this is even remotely acceptable behavior. SO, just because not all step mothers are terrible, it doesn’t mean some aren’t. I was raised by step parents and I love them but it is so frustrating how all stepparents get put on this pedestal and how bitter bio moms need to just learn to accept another woman in their child’s life. That is not always the case and some of us are dealing with issues that NO biological mother should ever have to. And you don’t understand until you’ve been through it.
Oh my god this is exactly what’s happened to me . It’s been unbearable for nearly 3 years !! Please talk to me . I feel like I’m going mad
I HAVE been a bio mum and also a step mum. Step mothering is way WAY WAY more difficult.
Until you’ve been in both situations, you are not qualified to fairly comment.
Once you’ve have someone else’s kids in your home at least 1/2 the time, you may reconsider your opinion.
My step kids prefer staying at our home, and my 15 year old step son told his mum that he wants to live at our home. He said she didn’t care about him as much as we did.
That’s not my fault.
Seems to me that from your side, we’re doomed no matter what we do.
I agree completely. I am a stepmom—we tried to have our own but I miscarried due to stress. The bio mom has been harassing me nonstop. Saying cruel and hurtful things about me and my relationship, saying I am unfit to take care of her child because I am 8 years younger than his father. His family has been trying to tell her how their child has clung to me from the moment he first saw me and she does not like that. She has said that I am using them both for money-even though I make more money than my husband- and she has been telling lies saying I am neglecting her son and more. She has been making my life so awful I have been so stressed and have pondered just going MIA forever due to it. I have never met anyone so hateful. She says I am trying to take her position as her son’s mother, but I am not. I could never. Then she proceeded to say I should have no say in helping raise him because I am not a parent and my opinions in raising her son are unnecessary. I have spent thousands on their child for new clothes and toys because he grows fast and his interests change almost weekly, and everything he has taken to her house with him, she has thrown away, or no one has ever seen again. I do not know what I am doing wrong. I feel like I’m doing nothing wrong but I do feel like I am going crazy because of her. I read this article thinking I could get some sort of insight in her mind as to why she treats me like this- but all this article did was victimize stepmothers as something many of us aren’t: monsters.
Thank you!! I think this is crazy. I’m none of those things. Ever. And I’m still hated!!
I agree with this 100%. My step daughter was taken into the ministry from her mom and now will be placed with us fully and she is getting visits and alot fueled by jealousy and burdening child with her feelings. Boundaries and rules in our house are equal between all kids. Step or not. I am not overstepping but going to treat her as I do mine and give her equal stability love support and guidance. Doesn’t mean I am taking the place of mom .
This comment by Elaine is way off base. The biological mom and the step mom are not equals. The biological mom doesn’t need “fuel” from an article. The role of step mother is to support her husband in his Co parenting. Period. The mother should ever give up her authority or responsibility to the step mom.
I agree with you Heather. My ex-husband’s wife won’t talk to me, in 10 years we’ve only seen each other at a couple of my daughter’s dance recitals or concerts at school. I have tried to include her in conversations but most of the time she either won’t make eye contact or just has an unpleasant look on her face. My ex has never introduced us, I’m guessing because they were cheating during our marriage. She makes unpleasant comments to my daughter about me from time to time that my daughter mentions from time to time which I try not to say much about. My ex defends anything I mention to him or denies it happened. I feel bad for my daughter but I also feel stuck. She doesn’t treat my daughter poorly, I just think she crosses the line when she says anything rude about me. She doesn’t even know me!
I agree with Heather. Stepmoms should not see themselves as equal to bio mom. They should never make decisions that would undermine bio mom or discredit the traditions and values that bio mom and dad had in place. Its those types of stepmoms that make life difficult for the kids.
This is biased asf for the simple fact that I don’t consider myself a stepmom because we aren’t married but I’ve been around since before the child was born and in my case his babymomma was an ex and he impregnated her when we weren’t together so I didn’t ruin anything..he just didn’t want to be with her because of how she acted..ANYWAYS. She’ was the bitter one I didn’t even speak to her I kept my boundaries and til this day I do but she has tried to bad mouth me before and he nipped it in the bud and I also told her about herself. NOW me and her text a few times a week about her daughter and what she’s doing and what’s going with her..but she’s two faced idk if she’s putting on an act because she’s scared of me of because she pretty much has no say so in what her kid does when she’s with us..even the judge said that ( he gets court ordered days ) but I don’t overstep my boundaries but I think mom is kinda jealous because her 2 year old comes home talking about me ( in a good way ) and that she’s extremely clingy to me…she kinda noticed but not all the way cause her dad cut off FaceTime when she’s with us due to her mom trying to look all in our background and worry about everything BUT the fact that her child wants to speak to her. But idk I play my role. I don’t disrespect the mother or anything. When she texts me about the child I respond . She even talks stuff here and there to the child and she tried doing it to ME about her child’s father ( my boyfriend ) so yeah idk not everyone situation is like this and I AGREE with Elizabeth for the simple fact that not all Babymommas are mature enough to handle that their ex is moved one ♀️♀️♀️♀️
She also gets upset at the fact that he doesn’t text her back right away or if she sends photos he doesn’t respond but he doesn’t need to feel to contact her unless it’s important or time to get his daughter due to her constant trying to drag the conversation on and make it about her. He can’t even call and speak to his daughter without her trying to jump in and say whatever comes to her mind. So yeah I think these comments are biased and so is this posting . Again not all babymommas are mature and y’all know that and what Elizabeth was trying to illiterate !
Wow. This is such harmful old fashioned prudish insecure advice.
Ummm. You got a divorce. Congrats.
Ummm. Enter step mom…generally always great news for the kids. More love = good.
Ummm. You didn’t build your kids in a lab. You don’t own them. Just like you, mom, make loads of mistakes on your journey…so too will the new mom and their dad. And yes…she’s a mom…not a step mom for all intents and purposes. The hurt you feel when the kids say “I love you” is YOUR problem. Deal with it.
5,000 words to avoid the truth. Go get some counselling so you can seamlessly parent your own kids. Don’t you dare condescend and instruct a step mom or any other human being on just how to “do it your way”. That can only make everyone tense and teaches your kids to be little brats.
Love that,- thanks!
Amen sister !
I’m a stepmom with no children of my own. I met my now husband after they had gone through divorce. I’m not that much younger than her and biomom is very beautiful. So the fact that this article paints stepmoms to be the new young hot trophy for the husband is a Hollywood stereotype that is not fairly representative of reality. We are normal people too. In my case, Biomom has a history of bad decision-making, but her teenage kids only know the nice side of her (of course). She’s a good mom when it comes to nurture, but has a codependent relationship with her children. She is controlling and does not allow their dad to help with their education and gets mad when he tries do get them to do more difficult things. She rescues them and shields them from hardwork. They will not be graduating high school because biomom managed their home schooling very poorly. Note that I was a teacher for many years. They have no friends because she allows them to be home all day playing video games. They desire a social life. They are terrified of growing up and have high anxiety when it comes to trying new things. This really hurts my heart, but as a stepmother, I can’t do anything about it. Their dad is strict on enforcing healthy boundaries to help them grow, be challenged and try new experiences, but the kids are very afraid to try anything new and different. Biomom doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her rearing. They are doing just fine in her eyes. I feel like I’m being forced to watch the kids crash and burn.
Mary, thank you. I am dating a man with two young daughters. His ex-wife, the girls mother does not believe is discipline. The oldest daughter talks to me sometimes in a rude way, the way that she speaks to her mother. I don’t understand why her mother would want to raise a kid that way. Her father and I are doing our best to correct bad behavior and unnecessary temper tantrums, but her mom is making it very difficult. I can only do so much and I feel like I’m forced to watch my soon to be step daughter crash and burn.
Being a step mom is definitely a fine line. In my personal experience mom doesn’t want me involved at all. Ever since our relationship has gotten serious she has increasingly withheld the kids, first it was phone calls now it’s visitations. They were divorced years before I even came into the picture. I think sometimes we forget that children are not possessions. I have children of my own and would love to try to establish a relationship with all of the kids. They are are scared to and to be honest so am I. So I’m basically forced to just ignore the step kids because i’m not allowed to have a relationship with them . Imagine how the kids must feel. She’s had numerous relationships with other men, and the kids have called several men dad, but yet I can’t even call, or do a nice gesture towards the kids. If they even mention me it’s a problem.
Here at Midlife Divorce Recovery we are not bad-mouthing all stepmoms. In fact, most women are thankful when women of integrity and compassion and love are in our children’s lives. But often, if our ex had an affair with another woman that encouraged the divorce, it is very difficult to accept with open arms that same woman who had a big part to play in making our children’s lives more complicated and difficult.
The issues of step-parenting are difficult and challenging no matter what. Most women who come to midlifedivorcerecovery.com for help are women who did not want the divorce …. who did everything they could to prevent the divorce, and are looking for help with the grieving and healing after the divorce. More often than not, the divorce was the result of infidelity and that meant the affair partner usually became the step parent if she marries our ex. That is a very difficult adjustment for a biological mom to make.
As mothers, who have to send their children off to be in the care of another woman, it is very difficult for most of us, as I said, especially if that woman had a part in “breaking up our home.” But in spite of how the divorce happens, if the stepmom is trying to make amends by being the “super cool” mom, she should be careful not to undermine in any way the biological mom. it is a challenging situation we have to all work together to make as good as possible.
It’s usually different and an easier adjustment if the step-mom came along much later and was not part of the reason for our divorce.
Not one of us is perfect … either as a mom or as a stepmom. We each have to help make the transition to a blended family as easy and as good for everyone as possible. I do think classes on blended families for both families can help maintain the boundaries and attitudes that are positive and appropriate. All parents, biological and step-parents, have to respect each other and be patient with the situation, and above all, do what is ultimately best for the children.
Moms and stepmoms all make mistakes. But in this work we have also heard horror stories of real damage that has been done by stepparents actually making things more difficult for biological parents by their actions. There are also many good women who are excellent stepmoms and who provide a needed stability and care in families that were dysfunctional.
Stepmoms should let the dad of the children take the lead, and she should be there to support him and the children as is appropriate. She should not attempt in anyway to “one-up” the biological mom. And as biological moms, we should remember that our children are the ones who suffer if we make it hard for our children’s stepmom to have an appropriate, respectful relationship with our children.
I have 2 step children and we have a great relationship (even after 8 years), – but I’ve learned to not take responsibility unless I have authority.
This has solved a lot of resentment I was feeling at first, as I was cook/cleaner/tutorer etc- basically a servant to everyone.
Now, I only do things that I am happy to do, and leave all parenting to the actual parents. I am very respectful, do a lot of kind things for everyone, do way more than my share, but I no longer cook/clean etc, unless I want to.
I have my standards in my home, – basically everyone cleans up after themselves, and I get the dad to correct or fix things that the kids aren’t doing well. It’s not my problem. I take excellent care of my home and have standards that the kids are expected to respect, – and they do.
Their room can be as they like (- unless it smell! Lol), and they each have their own spaces in the kitchen for their own things/food etc. I am very tidy and clean, so if their space is messy, – it won’t affect me too much!
I now have a cleaner and take several days away regularly to visit my family. My husband cooks generally for his kids, and I prepare food when he is extra busy or I have lots of time.
I never discipline the kids (-they’re both teenagers now), – their dad deals with that completely. I remove myself from the picture at those times.
Their mother has dropped her kids to my place when it’s her turn several times, because she ‘needed a break’. At those times, I have catered to her kids respectfully, then stayed at a motel if i was annoyed.
Btw, we have his kids 50/50 and I have an adult son in his 20’s.
We have a very peaceful home, and the kids love and respect me very much, – and I them:-)!
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only bio mom who deals with her ex and the new step mom overstepping boundaries. I’ve tried ever since she came into my kids and their fathers lives to set boundaries but my ex and her both do not respect anything I’ve spent the first decade of my kids lives trying to instill in. In fact the kids were encouraged to start calling her mom and momma after 3 months of them being together. My ex actually believes and has his new wife convinced that she has a legal right to my children and can dictate (his favorite word) how I spend my custodial time with my kids. I’ve tried to be nice and including with her but she just talks crap about me to my friend and family. I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes, but I never lose my cool, even though at this stage I feel such hatred toward her and my ex for allowing her to usurp my position as mother.
Oh my god same thing after 3 months my kids told me they had to call her mummy otherwise daddy and her get cross if they don’t . I told the woman and him to stop but they refused. I had to have a serious chat with my kids as they were getting confused . I was so angry . And yes he said the same that she has legal rights to our kids .. absolute rubbish and I have a solicitor whom has confirmed this to me
First off…You are correct, bio moms will always be bio moms but STOP making off like step moms are less than the bio moms, that is major BS. I married my husband almost 5 years ago, I was a widow with 4 children of my own, two who were still at home aged 12 and 15,,,my husband had at that time a 3 year old with his ex girlfriend, I have cared for this child for over half his life( he is 8 today) his biological mother deals with him only as much as she has to…she didn’t want him when she got pregnant but as my husband would pay for an abortion she was “stuck” ( her words not mine) so she isn’t the most attentive person to the child. I attend everything at school for him, she has literally attended 4 functions in 3 years, they have joint custody and timesharing so he is with me more than either of his biological parents, no I did not give birth to this child but he IS my child non the less , just as he is hers. believe it or not there are stepmothers who do as much if not more for their stepchildren than their own mothers do.
Btw Very few step parents try to replace bio parents, most just try their best to love and care for children that they got blessed with when they married the moms or dads… btw my husband is now a stepfather to my own kids, he does what any father would do for their kids, not a step dad but a dad just as I do for his son, am I his mom? Absolutely…does that mean that I am replacing his mother…hell no, I tell the child all the time that he should love his mommy, and that I am glad he loves her( he gets mad at her and says he doesn’t love her, that is not tolerated in our home so he is made to apologize to his mom for that) oh and in case I haven’t mentioned it, the child’s mother…she hates the very idea of me, she hates that her child loves me just as I do him, but I still will not accept disrespect from him to his mother, if she hates me or not, that is his MOTHER). Not all stepparents are out to rob the bio mom or dad of their children,,,,ever thought that maybe just maybe we have a really tough time of being stepparents….. I was told I overstep my boundaries as well…but going to my sons school and volunteering…..but chaperoning his field trips…by bringing in what is needed for class….by being at parent teacher conferences. She won’t do these things, she doesn’t have time( I make time) Unless you ARE a stepparent you do not have a blooming clue what actually goes on, I’m not saying all stepparents are great, I’m not saying all stepparents are terrible, I’m saying give us a break. Maybe just maybe we are doing our best with a hard situation.
I am a step mom to an 11 year old boy. His dad and ex wife are friendly and co parent well. They disagree on things from time to time but who doesn’t? I now refer to her, lovingly, as my ex wife. She and I have become actual friends. Sometimes when it’s my husband’s time with their son, I actually end up going to her house and sitting on her patio talking about life and all the things. Sometimes I go over when it’s her days too! It took us a couple years to get to this point but I love her. I love my stepson and I would never try to replace her in his life. I think in his eyes he sees me as his “bonus,” which is what we call each other, but that I could never be mom. She hung the moon in his eyes. Which I think is beautiful. She shared with me a while back she thought he considered me younger and more fun. I assured her anything I can do, mom can do better 🙂 Once I was doing yoga and he said “oh my mom can do that pose with her hands totally flat!” I was pretty proud of how deep I’d gotten in the stretch but he let me know she could do it better! I took no offense. I told her about it and we laughed together. I HATE the term bio mom…. that sounds like sperm donor. That sounds like she’s JUST the one who carried him for 40 weeks, nurtured him as an infant. She is JUST the one God specifically hand chose to be his mama. Yeah not bio mom. She’s his mom, period. Now that you’ve read that I bet you think I don’t know what I’m talking about but guess what…I have an 11 year old son as well. He has a step mother. We don’t get along. My ex husband and she have tried for 8 years to turn my son against me. She would text him while he was in my care at 1140pm saying “don’t forget to brush your teeth,” and things like that. She has made me out to be incompetent to him, as if I am an idiot and I get everything wrong. She volunteers at school, she caters to his every single need. My son is very picky and she makes sure on their nights to make his favorite foods. On my nights he either has to eat what everybody eats, he can fix himself something or he can skip supper. I make him do chores and help me with his baby sister. I am working from home a full 40 hours, trying to run a house & take care of my baby girl and all that other stuff so i can’t exactly entertain him. She and his dad have played into that so much and now he has decided he would like to just stay at their place until quarantine is over. I didn’t have to let him go but I didn’t want him to resent me more for forcing him to just be with me. He isn’t happy unless he is getting everything he wants and he absolutely hates chores. So I see all these stepmothers on here bashing this article but unless you’ve been in my shoes where your child’s stepmother is actively trying to replace you, you just can’t know. I don’t wish it on anybody and I’m praying that we can somehow figure this out. I want my son back. I feel rejected. I just want the right to be his mom. To love him and receive love. I don’t want to give him up, to lose him. It’s excruciating.
After reading all these comments it breaks my heart. Ladies we all need to grow up a little bit and learn to get along or at the very least be cordial for your children’s sake. I have 3 bonus kids almost grown and I have been in their life since they were toddlers . For along time it was such a struggle, now not so much. God was and is the only one that could ever change that. Bonus mommas out their be kind no matter what. Their mom will see the love you have for the babies when it really counts.
What a spiteful angry article… And very one-sided.
I’m a stepmom. I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He knows I’m in this relationship for HIM. Not his kids, his parents or his best friend. Yes, the kids are part of the package, but only I can decide how involved I want to be. Their mom is very much alive and well, so I do not have to “step” into her role, the kids have both parents that are perfectly capable of taking care of them.
I think what this article stresses is setting boundaries for stepmom so she does not forget she’s “only a stepmom”. Then please, set boundaries not only on how nice she can be for the kids, but also how much you expect her to do for them. My husband is very hands on dad, kids adore him and ar begging for more days we him (we have 50/50). But unfortunately, if it wasn’t for me, my stepson would be walking around like a clown in clothes that are 4-5 sizes too big (his mom refuses to send any clothes, so my husband buys them. Based on age, but his son is tiny for his age). He also is bad at setting the rules, sending kids to bed at acceptable hour, reminding them to shower, brush teeth, cutting their nails. So even though I’d rather not, I still have to do stuff for them, stay with them when he’s on business trips, cook for them. Yet none of that is appreciated by their mom or the kids themselves. You put your time and effort (and money! I cover 50% of all common expenses), deal with tantrums and mood swings, but at the end of the day, the joy and pride go to mom and dad. It’s an ungrateful job being a step mom. And on top of that, you are blamed for being younger and better looking. As if I am preventing their mom from lifting her ass off the couch and going for a jog/buying nicer clothes/looking after herself. If she spent half the time exercising as she spends sulking and blaming others, she would be skinnier than I am.
Warning to step moms! All too often overstepping boundaries, manipulating (without even realizing it) blaming the bio mom, fighting hard for a life hoping it will improve and mothering a husband that never can man-up. How do I know? I am a stepmom. Stop trying to change your husbands, the step children and the situation. Stop blaming the ex wife, and whining about child support – they aren’t your children. You are fighting a losing battle. Does it ever occur to you to direct your complaints to your husband and hold him accountable? If you think you are in control, you are mistaken. If you think you are a saving grace to your husband and step children, you are mistaken. I have so much respect for my step children’s bio mom, our relationship was rocky at the beginning and I take complete ownership of that. I was insecure, competitive, controlling and really needing so much personal growth, and dealing with pains of my own childhood. I love my step children and that means loving and respecting their mom. Thank you to all the bio moms for carrying so much weight, for carrying the emotional and mental burdens! For having once being married to the same man as the second/third wives, let’s give them more credit. Step moms, the sooner we can admit our wrongs, our pride, and take a step back – the sooner we can experience so much peace and calm. Hugs to you all.
Amen!!
I have dealt with jealousy, bitterness and control between me (bio mom) and the stepmom going on 12 years now, both my daughters who are now 15 and going on 18 live with the dad due to better schools…she is a control freak and makes sure my daughters stay busy so they cant have the time to see me much…she wishes she was the bio mom and both my girls are very loyal to her and i feel she makes them see how she sees me, and my friends and family has seen how this has played out all these years and knows she is not a good person to me but pretends to be the greatest thing ever…the girls know how she is and has to roll with it so they dont upset her…i have to keep hush on how i feel bc they will report everything to her and i will never hear the end of it..my ex refuses to communicate with me bc he doesnt want to upset her in any way…the girls get overwhelmed on mothers day bc they need to be 50/50 with her and the wife does have an 8 ur old with my ex…i rarely get to see them bc the girls dont like to rock the boat with her and afraid to make her feel like they will love me more on the days i see them…i have tried to talk to the stepmom and she refuses to hear anything i have to say and is afraid to admit her true feelings..im tired and wish i could find peace on this…i have anxiety all the time just thinking about it and miss my girls everyday…i wish i was strong enough to get a lawyer but i know my girls life will be in turmoil if i went thru with it so i chose the hard way..besides they are getting older.I wish I knew what to do to find peace and happiness again and I do my best to be there for my girls but I feel im not as important to them and she is to them…All i can do is pray and hope they see the whole picture when they get older. I know I have alot to work within myself and to let go of the hate and bitterness as I wish she would do the same.
I am a bio mom and my ex husband remarried but did so with someone that used to be around us all the time when we were married. The woman was my friend; went on trips together and everything. I would never have any problem with my ex had remarried someone I haven’t met or don’t know. Now, with that being said, I am having trouble accepting his new wife in my daughter’s life. I don’t want her involved in anything when it comes to my daughter because I am having a real hard time trusting that woman with my most precious gift. I teach my daughter to respect her and not be rude because she is her father’s wife and the woman of the house when she visits her dad at the end of the day, but I don’t want her involved in my daughter’s life at all. She is not allowed to come to any function when it comes to my daughter, her father can’t take her on a trip if the wife is coming along etc… I am not sure how to deal with that situation. I always said that when her father remarries, I would try my best to give this stranger then benefit of the doubt when it comes to my child but in this case, it’s someone I knew too well and the feeling of betrayal makes it very hard fro me to allow her to do anything for my daughter…. I know a lot of you might judge my actions or train of thoughts but that’s how I feel and I cannot get over that situation
I am a stepmom and came into the marriage with a young child of my own. The mother was the cheater which dissolved the marriage and married the man a few months later. My husband became ‘disney dad’ and has never made his children from his first marriage accountable or responsible for anything and that includes respecting me as an adult and not so much as a stepparent. He adopted my child and we have since had one of our own. The children in our house are required to follow the rules and be respectful. But every other weekend its a free-for-all in our house. They are cruel (you’re not my real sibling because you’re adopted-my mom said so) verbally and sometimes physically to the younger child.
I’ve tried to talk to the Mom and let her know what is happening but she doesn’t care. In fact I think she enjoys that they are so terrible when they are here. I’ve found drugs, alcohol and evidence of the oldest having sex. I’ve told the Mom but her response is that they aren’t doing anything different than what other kids that age are doing.
My husband likes to keep the peace and is very non-confrontational so he chooses to say nothing. He is also scared he will lose his children because the one time he did discipline the oldest refused to come to our house for over a year and wouldn’t talk to him by phone, email or in person.
I wish someone would write an article that lets stepmothers know it’s alright to step in and take charge of raising/disciplining someone else’s kids when as a mom yourself is just trying to keep your house and sh*t together for your own kids.
Wow, this article really feeds into the toxic idea that when you marry a man with kids, you are forever “just” a stepmom. I am both a stepmom an a bio mom. For the first year of my marriage I believed the lie that I had to cease to be a person and fit quietly in so as not to change or upset anything. The fact that I married a man with kids does not negate the fact that I am a person who matters too. I do not cease to need safety, respect, and kindness because I married a man with children. Perhaps if we all worked a little bit harder at practicing empathy, we would see more solutions-driven articles and fewer like the one above.
Wow. I’m a stepmother of 2 and this was the most bitter and depressing thing I’ve ever read. I have never seen stepfathers dragged as much as stepmothers are. In fact, I often listen to bio moms talk about how wonderful their new husbands are for taking on the role of “fathering” children that aren’t theirs. This just feels like internalized misogyny and dang…makes me really sad.
I actually used my google search today to find support as a woman in a marriage with two kids who are not mine biologically, but whom I love really deeply. Finding this just made me feel like garbage. Way to build up other women and promote a healthy relationship between step mothers and bio mothers.
I agree, this thread has made me feel totally depressed. Part of the problem that step-mothers and biological mothers have is that for some reason women seem to love to denigrate other women. I never hear step-fathers treated so disrespectfully.
I also found the original article very old fashioned and pretty offensive. I am a step mother to three pre-teen daughters and I have one biological child of my own. From my perspective, step-parenting is a much harder job. That is how I found myself reading this article in the first place! There is precious little support out there for step-parents and articles like this make it worse. It’s 2020, the majority of divorced parents I know have 50/50 access and the idea than men ‘often’ run off with women younger than their ex just seems like it’s come from a sitcom. Give step-parents a break – the majority of us are doing the best we can in very challenging circumstances, often cooking, cleaning for and financially and emotionally supporting children that will never love us like they do a biological parent.
Hey, we realize that every situation with parents and stepparents interacting can be difficult. I don’t this this has to be the case. However, in many situations where a mom is having to deal with a woman who was a mistress who helped in some way to affect the whole family dynamic, it is hard to accept her in the way you would someone who was not an infidelity partner. And most of the infidelity partners in fact are younger and some MUCH younger.
I know that many stepmothers definitely are doing their best in a difficult situation and you do have a lot of pressure in trying to balance the needs of all the children involved.
Some moms and stepmoms have actually had sit-down meeting where they each talk about the boundaries and thoughts about rules at each house etc. I think the biological parents, in most cases, should have the final say about discipline and basic house rules. At the same time, all the parents have to be flexible in allowing for some differences on everyday aspects of parenting. Kids do best when there are consistent, clear rules and boundaries in both households.
The goal in every case should always be what is best for the children. What children hate most is the friction that is often caused among parents and step-parents and even between their own parents.