Co-parenting with the stepmother of our children can be a bigger challenge than co-parenting with our ex-husband. Especially if the stepmother is “the other woman” who was involved with our ex-husband while we were still married, accepting her as stepmother to our children just sucks! It adds fuel to the fire if she is moving into what used to be our house with the person who used to be our husband and having a very big influence on our children!
To be fair, I’m sure being a step-mother isn’t a piece of cake, either! A step-mother may have the best intentions, but she may be dealing with his children who don’t accept her, and her own children who don’t want to share her. She actually may be trying to do the best she can in spite of all of that. As hard as it is, try to give her some grace.
A stepmother can have a way of overstepping her boundaries whether she realizes it or not.
Whether she is “the other woman” who was involved with our ex-husband before our divorce, or the “new woman” who has entered the life of our children after our divorce, dealing with a stepmother overstepping her boundaries hurts in so many ways.
As moms, sometimes we view the stepmother much like we view the ugly, heartless stepmother of Cinderella. From Greek mythology to Grimm’s Fairy Tales, almost all cultures have a “wicked stepmother” story. (That may be unfair, but just saying!) The only trouble is, often our children’s stepmother is not physically an old crag…she may be more like eye candy for our ex-husband. (Ugh!) She is probably trying to impress new children and new hubby alike.
A few stepmoms flagrantly overstep their boundaries either by trying to replace us or by trying to convince their new husband about what a good choice he made. Others may view our children as a nuisance…who “get in the way” of what she really wants…their dad.
Often the difficulty divorce causes for our children is more devastating to us as mothers than the trouble our divorce is causing us as women. Children are precious and can be fragile, but they are also resilient and strong, and it’s important that we realize and reinforce that.
If your children are young…
The stepmother will most likely be playing a bigger part in the lives of young children than we want. The biological mother/child bond is sacred, and biological moms are very protective of that relationship.
One of the women who came to Midlife Divorce Recovery for help talked about opening up her pre-teen daughter’s suitcase, after a weekend with her dad and her new (O.W.) stepmother, to find some beautifully wrapped cookies that the stepmother had baked for her with a note that said something like, “I miss you already!”
The mother was furious and immediately put the beautiful treats unceremoniously down the disposal before her daughter could see them! I’m not condoning that action, but I am confirming that most mothers in that situation might want to do that very thing!
If your children are older…
The stepmother may be closer to our children’s age than to our age. (Ugh, Again! ) In that case, she can become:
- The “cool” confidant
- The young, healthy running companion
- The skinny “friend” who likes the same music our children do…making us feel old, discarded and useless, but more importantly, threatened that we are losing our connection as mother to our children.
Early on, I struggled every time I sent my then teenage son to his dad’s house for his specified time. If there had been a stepmother there at the time, it would have been worse. Even knowing he had to interact with the other woman at all was infuriating. One time he asked, “What am I supposed to do, talk about the weather?”
Types of Overstepping
Talking Negatively About You
Talking badly about the other parent is common in divorce. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. But it’s just as bad if the stepmother talks negatively about us in front of our children, or worse, talks badly about us to the children directly.
When children hear their stepmother badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to stand up and say something in our defense. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace between you and their dad or between the stepmother and their dad. It puts them in a very uncomfortable, confusing position.
If the stepmother is badmouthing us, it’s not only hurtful to our relationship with our child, but it’s infuriating! We can’t defend ourselves when it happens, and It usually makes us furious at both the stepmother and our ex-husband, too. And the children are given one more difficult situation to navigate.
By the way, the children’s father should be the one to nip the stepmother’s badmouthing in the bud!
Badmouthing Choices or Traditions
Another kind of badmouthing that is confusing to our children is when the stepmother criticizes our traditions or other sensitive choices like religion, Often, as mothers, we are trying to maintain spiritual and holiday traditions in the midst of this mess, while the stepmother sometimes demeans, makes fun of or discounts those traditions.
Again, the children’s father should not allow the stepmother to undermine what you are trying to instill as the children’s mother.
Breaking Parenting Rules
Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. One of the most difficult areas of co-parenting (including step-parents) is maintaining parenting rules. The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents.
Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family.
Discipline
Pre-teens and teens are, by design, usually pushing the boundaries of discipline. Even without divorce and stepmothers involved, there are challenges when children this age are becoming more independent and more outspoken about family rules and discipline.
But setting strong, reasonable boundaries is important during divorce and especially when step-parents are involved. Normal kids complain about rules, stepmothers or not, and that’s okay. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control.
Giving children of all ages secure boundaries that are discussed and consistently enforced, makes them feel more secure and more loved. When we become so busy and overwhelmed about our own lives, sometimes we think we are making it easier for children to be more relaxed about the rules. We are not.
Keep in mind, though, that we also need to be flexible. For instance, a teenager’s time for bed is set for 10:00 pm. At 10:00pm he or she may be really upset or worried about something and just needs to let off some steam shooting baskets in the driveway. Teenagers may just need to be allowed to communicate with a friend outside of the determined hours. Be sensitive to kids’ needs and allow for some flexibility in situations like that.
Trying to Replace You
Let me be clear. Your children’s stepmother will never replace you! You are your children’s biological mother. That will never change. It is wrong for a stepmother to somehow try to replace you in your children’s lives. She is there to support their dad and be available for your children within the boundaries of that new role.
Sometimes she is also mothering her own children who may also now be in the family, and that compounds the possibility of favoritism or caring for some children differently than others. It’s definitely a fine line to walk.
Types of Overstepping
Talking Negatively About You
Talking badly about the other parent is common in divorce. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. It’s just as bad if the stepmother talks negatively about us in front of our children, or worse, talks badly about us to the children directly. We shouldn’t put her down either as much as we may want to.
When children hear their stepmother badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to defend us. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace in an awkward, confusing position. Our children are given one more difficult situation to navigate.
By the way, the children’s father should be the one to nip the stepmother’s badmouthing in the bud!
Badmouthing Choices or Traditions
Another kind of badmouthing that is confusing to our children is when the stepmother criticizes our traditions or other sensitive choices like religion. Often, as mothers, we are trying to maintain spiritual and holiday traditions in the midst of this mess, while the stepmother sometimes demeans, makes fun of, or discounts those traditions.
Again, the children’s father should not allow the stepmother to undermine what you are trying to instill as the children’s mother.
Breaking Parenting Rules
Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. One of the most difficult areas of co-parenting (including stepparents) is maintaining parenting rules. The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents.
Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family.
Discipline
Pre-teens and teens are, by design, usually pushing the boundaries. Even without divorce and stepmothers involved, there are challenges when children this age are becoming more independent and more outspoken about family rules and discipline.
Setting strong, reasonable boundaries is important during divorce and especially when stepparents are involved. Normal kids complain about rules, stepmothers or not, and that’s okay. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control.
Giving children of all ages secure boundaries that are discussed and consistently enforced, makes them feel more secure and more loved. When we become so busy and overwhelmed about our own lives, sometimes we think we are making it easier for children when we ignore the rules. We are not. We are making life more difficult.
Keep in mind, though, that we all need to be reasonably flexible. Be sensitive to kids’ needs and allow for some common sense give and take.
Trying to Replace You
Let me be clear. Our children’s stepmother will never replace us! We are our children’s biological mother. That will never change. It is wrong for a stepmother to in any way try to replace us in our children’s lives. She is there to support their dad and be available for our children within the boundaries of that new role.
Sometimes she is also mothering her own children who may now be in the family, and that compounds the possibility of favoritism or caring for some children differently than others. It’s definitely a fine line to walk for everyone concerned.
What To Do About It
The best thing we can do for our children after divorce and especially when a stepmother comes into the picture, is to get better ourselves.
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Our kids need to be able to go to the other parent’s house, and know that we are going to be okay and not a crying mess. We need to be getting stronger physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in every way we can. We need to make our children’s time with us “normal” and the best it can possibly be. We cannot control anything that goes on at our ex-husband’s house, unless, of course, you fear for your children’s safety.
That means:
- Don’t ask questions about the stepmom or your ex.
- Don’t press your children to talk about their time away, but let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
- Don’t get enraged or sad when your children talk about things that happened at their dad’s house with the stepmom. Ask instead, “How did that make you feel?” Then talk about that.
- Maintain your own boundaries and rules when the children are at your house.
- Focus on teaching them the powerful lessons of resilience during this challenging time.
- Let them know that you are okay…that they don’t have to protect you or be your support system.
- Be confident, joyful and excited about life. That will rub off on your children.
- Let them know you are all in this together and you will get through this.
Remember, co-parenting with your ex-husband and the stepmother is not a competition. It is a team effort with the goal of providing the most secure, stable, functional environment for your children possible.
Talk To Her
Sometimes, it is helpful to have a one-to-one conversation with the stepmom, as difficult as that might be, especially if she is the “other woman” who had a part in destroying your family. Maybe writing a letter could be helpful.
Don’t immediately think of her as an adversary. She may have children of her own, and she may be doing the best she can in a very complicated situation, just like you are. And, who knows, you may actually become a stepmother yourself at some point.
Make clear your desire to work together for the best for the kids. Discuss any areas of conflict calmly and reasonably.
Talk To Your Ex-Husband
Having a frank conversation with your ex-husband about the welfare of your children is something that should happen early on. Be clear about your expectations, and listen to what he is concerned about. Remember – your top priority is what is best for your children.
Make sure that when your children are at your house, they feel safe, secure, loved and happy. You can’t control what happens at your ex’s house, or what your children’s stepmother is doing, but you can control what happens at your house. Make it good! And fun!
Our MasterPlan program includes the six-part “Parenting Through Divorce” program, developed by an older child of divorce. Grady, our youngest son interviewed several of his 30-something friends about what they were thinking and needing during their own parents’ divorce. The program gives insights straight from the kids.
Remember: Stepmothers aren’t usually “the enemy.” We have to focus on providing the best environment possible for our children when they are with us. No one can destroy our biological bond with them. The best thing we can do is make their time with us good and fun and nurturing in every way we can. To make that happen, we have to get better ourselves after our divorce. We can help. You can get started today with the free Crash Course.
This article doesn’t appear to take into account that divorced parents often have different approaches to their parenting and that it’s not ‘moms way or the highway’ (or dads way). Stepmoms have to support their husbands parenting choices in their home and respect their stepchildren’s love for both bio parents. That is where it ends though. Stepmoms actually have no obligation to support bio mom’s wishes, rules etc. whatsoever. It’s ideal if both bio parents are on the same page but, in cases where they aren’t, both parents have the right to pass on their culture and values to their children in their respective homes as they see fit. There can be more than one ‘right way’ to parent. I say this as a mom of three and stepmom of two. The problems arise when a bio parent (or stepparent) starts scratching and clawing to control what goes on in the OTHER household. Children aren’t possessions. So moms, if stepmom is upsetting the apple cart by doing things her way with your kids in her home you can try complaining to your childrens’ other parent but if they are quite happy with her actions (which is usually the case), you may just have to suck it up and accept that the new wife/partner will have an opinion that will likely hold more sway (practically speaking) than yours in that household. Jumping up and down because they are YOUR children and diminishing her relevance isn’t going to help your cause any more than if your childrens dad was doing the same thing about what goes on in your house or about your new man – whose support and input you no doubt value. And rightly so. Boundary crossing is only a problem if the boundary has been drawn in the right… Read more »
The person who had done the most damage to my relationship with my step kids is their mother. She is a horrible, selfish woman who has done nothing but cut me down, telling the children they don’t have to listen to me or respect me. I was open and willing to work in a relationship with her in the beginning but eventually shut down after too many insults and her unwillingness to work with me. I wasn’t the reason they divorced… she cheated but somehow it became me and my husbands fault. I wasn’t even around when they split. 15 years later she is like a poltergeist… always there as a negative energy in our lives. I remember reading some research about stepmothers and their relationship with their step kids and the success of those relationships were impacted greatly by the mother’s acceptance of the stepmom and being ok with her presence. Just remember it is not the stepmom who is traumatizing the children by creating loyalty binds. If the children know that you hate the stepmom but they like her then you are causing them great anxiety because they don’t want to hurt you. I’ve seen and had to manage the anxiety and pain this caused first hand and it’s heart breaking. I have come to the conclusion that it’s not the demise of the marriage that hurts the children it’s how their parents behave in the aftermath of the split…usually not very well and moms are just as guilty as dads for bad behaviour if not worse especially when it comes to the new partner. Another fact in the stepparenting research is that men tend to accept their exes new partners more often and don’t have a problem with their presence in their kids lives even to the… Read more »
I’m so jealous of the women who don’t have to deal with the step mom at all because she is completely uninvolved. She is simply Dad’s wife. The woman my ex left me for wanted kids but decided that his were enough for her, so she had every intention as taking them on as her own. Both her and my ex are narcs, so the collective damage they are doing over the years will require my children to be in therapy for a great deal of their adult life. Considering it is a cardinal sin to say anything negative about them, my children will probably hold it against me as well because I could have guided them through a healthy process – the process their therapist will use in their adulthood – to manage the situation and minimize the damage. Don’t tell me they are too young to get it because they are learning how to deal with conflict and bullies at school so don’t underestimate them. It’s just disrespectful.
If I had thought there was any way in hell my ex was going to break up the family, I never would have married him. This is the living hell I knew it would be if it were to happen to me. Sometimes I just want my kids to grow up already so I never have to deal with my ex and his wife again. And no, I don’t have to deal with them for life because he is the father of my children. That’s a ridiculous notion.
No step-mother has a right to replace or try to be mother. No excuses, no grey answer in regards to this subject.
Mother is mother – end of story.
This is so bitter and written by a jealous mother! Step mums are amazing. Stop being so jealous bio mums and be thankful that your children have another awesome roll model in their lives
I am a bio mom, in the comments there is a lot of step moms (which I am too.) A lot went on with how my now ex and I parenting before she came along and this article is just saying that step moms need to know their role. I can tell some of the step moms have misses the point the writer was trying to make. Good luck to all of us.
My children’s stepmom does nothing but love my children, while the bio mom talks negatively directly to the children. One must take into account that stepmoms step up when the bio mom refuses to do what’s best and continues to remain selfish.
There is little to nothing out there on fathers and step mom’s who treat the children of the first marriage like second class citizens. My ex left when his business became a big success. He is now quite wealthy. The children of his second marriage get university paid for, trips to Europe and my adult children are overlooked time and again. In fact my ex brags about taking the whole family to France for Christmas to my son. The “whole family” means 2nd wife and young adult children of his second marriage. I hear the hurt in my adult children’s voices but don’t know what to say to advice them on what to do about this situation other than confront their father about how his favoritism makes them feel. They have, yet the behavior continues. Advice??