Co-parenting with the stepmother of our children can be a bigger challenge than co-parenting with our ex-husband. A Stepmother can have a way of overstepping her boundaries whether she realizes it or not.
Whether she is “the other woman” who was involved with your ex-husband before your divorce, or the “new woman” who has entered the life of your children after your divorce, dealing with stepmother boundaries can be a challenge.
As moms, sometimes we view the stepmother much like we view the ugly, mean, heartless stepmother of Cinderella. The only trouble is, often our children’s stepmother is usually not physically an old crag, and may be more like eye candy for your ex-husband. And she may be trying her best to impress children and new hubby alike. Just the same, almost all cultures have a “wicked stepmother” story. (That may be unfair, but just saying!)
Some stepmoms flagrantly overstep their boundaries either by trying to replace us or by trying to convince their new husband about what a good choice he made. Others simply view our children as a nuisance … who “get in the way” of what she really wants … their dad.
Often the difficulty divorce causes for our children is more devastating to us as mothers than the trouble our divorce is causing us as women. Children are precious and can be fragile, but they are also resilient and strong, and it’s important that we reinforce that.
If your children are young …
The stepmother will most likely be playing a bigger part in the lives of your children than you want. The biological mother/child bond is precious, and we are very protective of that relationship.
One of the women who came to Midlife Divorce Recovery for help talked about opening up her pre-teen daughter’s suitcase, after a weekend with her father and her new stepmother, to find some beautifully wrapped cookies that the stepmother had baked for her with a note that said something like, “I miss you already!”
The mother was furious and immediately put the beautiful treats unceremoniously down the disposal before her daughter could see them! I’m not condoning that action, but I am confirming that most mothers in that situation might want to do that very thing!
If your children are older …
The stepmother may be closer to your children’s age than to your age. In that case, she can become:
- The “cool” confidant
- The young, healthy running companion
- The skinny “friend” who likes the same music our children do … making us feel old, discarded and useless, but more importantly, threatened that we are losing our connection as mother to our children.
Early on, I struggled every time I sent my then teenage son to his dad’s house for his specified time. If there had been a stepmother there at the time, it would have been worse.
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Types of Overstepping
Talking Negatively About You
Talking badly about the other parent is common in divorce. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. But it’s just as bad if the stepmother talks negatively about us in front of our children, or worse, talks badly about us to the children directly.
When children hear their stepmother badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to stand up and say something in our defense. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace between you and their dad or between the stepmother and their dad. It puts them in a very uncomfortable, confusing position.
If the stepmother is badmouthing us, it’s not only hurtful to our relationship with our child, but it’s infuriating! We can’t defend ourselves when it happens, and It usually makes us furious at both the stepmother and our ex-husband, too. And the children are given one more difficult situation to navigate.
By the way, the children’s father should be the one to nip the stepmother’s badmouthing in the bud!
Badmouthing Choices or Traditions
Another kind of badmouthing that is confusing to our children is when the stepmother criticizes our traditions or other sensitive choices like religion, Often, as mothers, we are trying to maintain spiritual and holiday traditions in the midst of this mess, while the stepmother sometimes demeans, makes fun of or discounts those traditions.
Again, the children’s father should not allow the stepmother to undermine what you are trying to instill as the children’s mother.
Breaking Parenting Rules
Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. One of the most difficult areas of co-parenting (including step-parents) is maintaining parenting rules. The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents.
Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family.
Discipline
Pre-teens and teens are, by design, usually pushing the boundaries of discipline. Even without divorce and stepmothers involved, there are challenges when children this age are becoming more independent and more outspoken about family rules and discipline.
But setting strong, reasonable boundaries is important during divorce and especially when step-parents are involved. Normal kids complain about rules, stepmothers or not, and that’s okay. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control.
Giving children of all ages secure boundaries that are discussed and consistently enforced, makes them feel more secure and more loved. When we become so busy and overwhelmed about our own lives, sometimes we think we are making it easier for children to be more relaxed about the rules. We are not.
Keep in mind, though, that we also need to be flexible. For instance, a teenager’s time for bed is set for 10:00 pm. At 10:00pm he or she may be really upset or worried about something and just needs to let off some steam shooting baskets in the driveway. Teenagers may just need to be allowed to communicate with a friend outside of the determined hours. Be sensitive to kids’ needs and allow for some flexibility in situations like that.
Trying to Replace You
Let me be clear. Your children’s stepmother will never replace you! You are your children’s biological mother. That will never change. It is wrong for a stepmother to somehow try to replace you in your children’s lives. She is there to support their dad and be available for your children within the boundaries of that new role.
Sometimes she is also mothering her own children who may also now be in the family, and that compounds the possibility of favoritism or caring for some children differently than others. It’s definitely a fine line to walk.
What To Do About It
The best thing we can do for our children after divorce and especially when a stepmother comes into the picture, is to get better ourselves.
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We need to be getting stronger physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in every way we can. We need to make our children’s time with us “normal” and the best it can possibly be. We cannot control anything that goes on in our ex-husband’s house (unless, of course, you fear for their safety!).
That means:
- Don’t ask too many questions about the stepmom or their dad.
- Don’t press your children to talk about their time away, but let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
- Don’t get enraged or sad when your children talk about things that happened at their dad’s house with the stepmom. Ask instead, “How did that make you feel?” Then talk about that.
- Maintain your own boundaries and rules when the children are at your house.
- Focus on teaching them the powerful lessons of resilience during this challenging time.
- Let them know that you are okay … that they don’t have to protect you or be your support system.
- Be confident, joyful and excited about life, and that will rub off on your children.
- Let them know you are all in this together and you will get through this.
Remember, co-parenting with your ex-husband and the stepmother is not a competition. It is a team effort with the goal of providing the most secure, stable, functional families for your children possible.
Talk To Her
Sometimes, it is helpful to have a face-to-face (or phone) conversation with the stepmom, as difficult as that might be, especially if she is the “other woman” who you feel had a part in destroying your family. Maybe writing a letter could be helpful.
Don’t immediately think of her as an adversary. She may have children of her own, and she may be trying to do the best she can in a very difficult situation, just like you are.
Make clear your desire to work together for the best for the kids. Discuss any areas of conflict calmly and reasonably. (Difficult, I know.)
Talk To Your Ex-Husband
Having a frank conversation with your ex-husband about the welfare of your children is something that should happen early on. Be clear about your expectations, and listen to what he is concerned about. I know it is a difficult situation, but remember, that your top priority is what is best for your children.
Make sure that you provide the kind of environment, so that when your children are at your house, they feel safe, secure, loved and happy. You can’t control what happens at your ex’s house, or what your children’s stepmother is doing, but you can control what happens at your house. Make it good!
Try our Parenting Through Divorce program, developed by an older child of divorce. Grady, my youngest son interviewed several of his 30-something friends about what they were thinking and needing during their own parents’ divorce. It can give you some new insight straight from someone who was a teenager during our divorce. You can try the first installment free.
Stepmothers aren’t usually “the enemy.” But we have to provide the best environment possible for our children (and their friends) when they are with us. No one can destroy our biological bond with them. The best thing we can do is make their time with us good and fun and nurturing in every way we possibly can. To make that happen, we have to get better ourselves after our divorce. We can help. You can get started today with the free Crash Course.
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Hi, I am a stepmom, and a mom to my son. I feel that your article is giving too much fuel for a bio mom to take and throw back in a stepmom’s face/. In this modern age, and depending on the bio mom, parents in a household together should set the rules together and communicate that with the other party and agree upon things. But when you have a bio mom, like my stepdaughters, there is no getting to common ground because she defines her importance based on blood and jealousy. I think if you’re going to write something like you have, it is important to provide much more context than you’re giving. Validate appropriate and mature responses of a bio mom toward a stepmom and help her see how to correct those negative responses, don’t just tell her “she’s right” because it varies from family to family.
I agree.
I have 2 step children and we have a great relationship (even after 8 years), – but I’ve learned to not take responsibility unless I have authority.
This has solved a lot of resentment I was feeling at first, as I was cook/cleaner/tutorer etc- basically a servant to everyone.
Now, I only do things that I am happy to do, and leave all parenting to the actual parents. I am very respectful, do a lot of kind things for everyone, do way more than my share, but I no longer cook/clean etc, unless I want to.
I have my standards in my home, – basically everyone cleans up after themselves, and I get the dad to correct or fix things that the kids aren’t doing well. It’s not my problem. I take excellent care of my home and have standards that the kids are expected to respect, – and they do.
Their room can be as they like (- unless it smell! Lol), and they each have their own spaces in the kitchen for their own things/food etc. I am very tidy and clean, so if their space is messy, – it won’t affect me too much!
I now have a cleaner and take several days away regularly to visit my family. My husband cooks generally for his kids, and I prepare food when he is extra busy or I have lots of time.
I never discipline the kids (-they’re both teenagers now), – their dad deals with that completely. I remove myself from the picture at those times.
Their mother has dropped her kids to my place when it’s her turn several times, because she ‘needed a break’. At those times, I have catered to her kids respectfully, then stayed at a motel if i was annoyed.
Btw, we have his kids 50/50 and I have an adult son in his 20’s.
We have a very peaceful home, and the kids love and respect me very much, – and I them:-)!
This comment by Elaine is way off base. The biological mom and the step mom are not equals. The biological mom doesn’t need “fuel” from an article. The role of step mother is to support her husband in his Co parenting. Period. The mother should ever give up her authority or responsibility to the step mom.
I agree with you Heather. My ex-husband’s wife won’t talk to me, in 10 years we’ve only seen each other at a couple of my daughter’s dance recitals or concerts at school. I have tried to include her in conversations but most of the time she either won’t make eye contact or just has an unpleasant look on her face. My ex has never introduced us, I’m guessing because they were cheating during our marriage. She makes unpleasant comments to my daughter about me from time to time that my daughter mentions from time to time which I try not to say much about. My ex defends anything I mention to him or denies it happened. I feel bad for my daughter but I also feel stuck. She doesn’t treat my daughter poorly, I just think she crosses the line when she says anything rude about me. She doesn’t even know me!
I agree with Heather. Stepmoms should not see themselves as equal to bio mom. They should never make decisions that would undermine bio mom or discredit the traditions and values that bio mom and dad had in place. Its those types of stepmoms that make life difficult for the kids.
This is biased asf for the simple fact that I don’t consider myself a stepmom because we aren’t married but I’ve been around since before the child was born and in my case his babymomma was an ex and he impregnated her when we weren’t together so I didn’t ruin anything..he just didn’t want to be with her because of how she acted..ANYWAYS. She’ was the bitter one I didn’t even speak to her I kept my boundaries and til this day I do but she has tried to bad mouth me before and he nipped it in the bud and I also told her about herself. NOW me and her text a few times a week about her daughter and what she’s doing and what’s going with her..but she’s two faced idk if she’s putting on an act because she’s scared of me of because she pretty much has no say so in what her kid does when she’s with us..even the judge said that ( he gets court ordered days ) but I don’t overstep my boundaries but I think mom is kinda jealous because her 2 year old comes home talking about me ( in a good way ) and that she’s extremely clingy to me…she kinda noticed but not all the way cause her dad cut off FaceTime when she’s with us due to her mom trying to look all in our background and worry about everything BUT the fact that her child wants to speak to her. But idk I play my role. I don’t disrespect the mother or anything. When she texts me about the child I respond . She even talks stuff here and there to the child and she tried doing it to ME about her child’s father ( my boyfriend ) so yeah idk not everyone situation is like this and I AGREE with Elizabeth for the simple fact that not all Babymommas are mature enough to handle that their ex is moved one ♀️♀️♀️♀️
She also gets upset at the fact that he doesn’t text her back right away or if she sends photos he doesn’t respond but he doesn’t need to feel to contact her unless it’s important or time to get his daughter due to her constant trying to drag the conversation on and make it about her. He can’t even call and speak to his daughter without her trying to jump in and say whatever comes to her mind. So yeah I think these comments are biased and so is this posting . Again not all babymommas are mature and y’all know that and what Elizabeth was trying to illiterate !
I’m a stepmom with no children of my own. I met my now husband after they had gone through divorce. I’m not that much younger than her and biomom is very beautiful. So the fact that this article paints stepmoms to be the new young hot trophy for the husband is a Hollywood stereotype that is not fairly representative of reality. We are normal people too. In my case, Biomom has a history of bad decision-making, but her teenage kids only know the nice side of her (of course). She’s a good mom when it comes to nurture, but has a codependent relationship with her children. She is controlling and does not allow their dad to help with their education and gets mad when he tries do get them to do more difficult things. She rescues them and shields them from hardwork. They will not be graduating high school because biomom managed their home schooling very poorly. Note that I was a teacher for many years. They have no friends because she allows them to be home all day playing video games. They desire a social life. They are terrified of growing up and have high anxiety when it comes to trying new things. This really hurts my heart, but as a stepmother, I can’t do anything about it. Their dad is strict on enforcing healthy boundaries to help them grow, be challenged and try new experiences, but the kids are very afraid to try anything new and different. Biomom doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her rearing. They are doing just fine in her eyes. I feel like I’m being forced to watch the kids crash and burn.
Mary, thank you. I am dating a man with two young daughters. His ex-wife, the girls mother does not believe is discipline. The oldest daughter talks to me sometimes in a rude way, the way that she speaks to her mother. I don’t understand why her mother would want to raise a kid that way. Her father and I are doing our best to correct bad behavior and unnecessary temper tantrums, but her mom is making it very difficult. I can only do so much and I feel like I’m forced to watch my soon to be step daughter crash and burn.
Being a step mom is definitely a fine line. In my personal experience mom doesn’t want me involved at all. Ever since our relationship has gotten serious she has increasingly withheld the kids, first it was phone calls now it’s visitations. They were divorced years before I even came into the picture. I think sometimes we forget that children are not possessions. I have children of my own and would love to try to establish a relationship with all of the kids. They are are scared to and to be honest so am I. So I’m basically forced to just ignore the step kids because i’m not allowed to have a relationship with them . Imagine how the kids must feel. She’s had numerous relationships with other men, and the kids have called several men dad, but yet I can’t even call, or do a nice gesture towards the kids. If they even mention me it’s a problem.
Here at Midlife Divorce Recovery we are not bad-mouthing all stepmoms. In fact, most women are thankful when women of integrity and compassion and love are in our children’s lives. But often, if our ex had an affair with another woman that encouraged the divorce, it is very difficult to accept with open arms that same woman who had a big part to play in making our children’s lives more complicated and difficult.
The issues of step-parenting are difficult and challenging no matter what. Most women who come to midlifedivorcerecovery.com for help are women who did not want the divorce …. who did everything they could to prevent the divorce, and are looking for help with the grieving and healing after the divorce. More often than not, the divorce was the result of infidelity and that meant the affair partner usually became the step parent if she marries our ex. That is a very difficult adjustment for a biological mom to make.
As mothers, who have to send their children off to be in the care of another woman, it is very difficult for most of us, as I said, especially if that woman had a part in “breaking up our home.” But in spite of how the divorce happens, if the stepmom is trying to make amends by being the “super cool” mom, she should be careful not to undermine in any way the biological mom. it is a challenging situation we have to all work together to make as good as possible.
It’s usually different and an easier adjustment if the step-mom came along much later and was not part of the reason for our divorce.
Not one of us is perfect … either as a mom or as a stepmom. We each have to help make the transition to a blended family as easy and as good for everyone as possible. I do think classes on blended families for both families can help maintain the boundaries and attitudes that are positive and appropriate. All parents, biological and step-parents, have to respect each other and be patient with the situation, and above all, do what is ultimately best for the children.
Moms and stepmoms all make mistakes. But in this work we have also heard horror stories of real damage that has been done by stepparents actually making things more difficult for biological parents by their actions. There are also many good women who are excellent stepmoms and who provide a needed stability and care in families that were dysfunctional.
Stepmoms should let the dad of the children take the lead, and she should be there to support him and the children as is appropriate. She should not attempt in anyway to “one-up” the biological mom. And as biological moms, we should remember that our children are the ones who suffer if we make it hard for our children’s stepmom to have an appropriate, respectful relationship with our children.
I have 2 step children and we have a great relationship (even after 8 years), – but I’ve learned to not take responsibility unless I have authority.
This has solved a lot of resentment I was feeling at first, as I was cook/cleaner/tutorer etc- basically a servant to everyone.
Now, I only do things that I am happy to do, and leave all parenting to the actual parents. I am very respectful, do a lot of kind things for everyone, do way more than my share, but I no longer cook/clean etc, unless I want to.
I have my standards in my home, – basically everyone cleans up after themselves, and I get the dad to correct or fix things that the kids aren’t doing well. It’s not my problem. I take excellent care of my home and have standards that the kids are expected to respect, – and they do.
Their room can be as they like (- unless it smell! Lol), and they each have their own spaces in the kitchen for their own things/food etc. I am very tidy and clean, so if their space is messy, – it won’t affect me too much!
I now have a cleaner and take several days away regularly to visit my family. My husband cooks generally for his kids, and I prepare food when he is extra busy or I have lots of time.
I never discipline the kids (-they’re both teenagers now), – their dad deals with that completely. I remove myself from the picture at those times.
Their mother has dropped her kids to my place when it’s her turn several times, because she ‘needed a break’. At those times, I have catered to her kids respectfully, then stayed at a motel if i was annoyed.
Btw, we have his kids 50/50 and I have an adult son in his 20’s.
We have a very peaceful home, and the kids love and respect me very much, – and I them:-)!
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only bio mom who deals with her ex and the new step mom overstepping boundaries. I’ve tried ever since she came into my kids and their fathers lives to set boundaries but my ex and her both do not respect anything I’ve spent the first decade of my kids lives trying to instill in. In fact the kids were encouraged to start calling her mom and momma after 3 months of them being together. My ex actually believes and has his new wife convinced that she has a legal right to my children and can dictate (his favorite word) how I spend my custodial time with my kids. I’ve tried to be nice and including with her but she just talks crap about me to my friend and family. I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes, but I never lose my cool, even though at this stage I feel such hatred toward her and my ex for allowing her to usurp my position as mother.
First off…You are correct, bio moms will always be bio moms but STOP making off like step moms are less than the bio moms, that is major BS. I married my husband almost 5 years ago, I was a widow with 4 children of my own, two who were still at home aged 12 and 15,,,my husband had at that time a 3 year old with his ex girlfriend, I have cared for this child for over half his life( he is 8 today) his biological mother deals with him only as much as she has to…she didn’t want him when she got pregnant but as my husband would pay for an abortion she was “stuck” ( her words not mine) so she isn’t the most attentive person to the child. I attend everything at school for him, she has literally attended 4 functions in 3 years, they have joint custody and timesharing so he is with me more than either of his biological parents, no I did not give birth to this child but he IS my child non the less , just as he is hers. believe it or not there are stepmothers who do as much if not more for their stepchildren than their own mothers do.
Btw Very few step parents try to replace bio parents, most just try their best to love and care for children that they got blessed with when they married the moms or dads… btw my husband is now a stepfather to my own kids, he does what any father would do for their kids, not a step dad but a dad just as I do for his son, am I his mom? Absolutely…does that mean that I am replacing his mother…hell no, I tell the child all the time that he should love his mommy, and that I am glad he loves her( he gets mad at her and says he doesn’t love her, that is not tolerated in our home so he is made to apologize to his mom for that) oh and in case I haven’t mentioned it, the child’s mother…she hates the very idea of me, she hates that her child loves me just as I do him, but I still will not accept disrespect from him to his mother, if she hates me or not, that is his MOTHER). Not all stepparents are out to rob the bio mom or dad of their children,,,,ever thought that maybe just maybe we have a really tough time of being stepparents….. I was told I overstep my boundaries as well…but going to my sons school and volunteering…..but chaperoning his field trips…by bringing in what is needed for class….by being at parent teacher conferences. She won’t do these things, she doesn’t have time( I make time) Unless you ARE a stepparent you do not have a blooming clue what actually goes on, I’m not saying all stepparents are great, I’m not saying all stepparents are terrible, I’m saying give us a break. Maybe just maybe we are doing our best with a hard situation.