Co-parenting with the stepmother of our children can be a bigger challenge than co-parenting with our ex-husband. Especially if the stepmother is “the other woman” who was involved with our ex-husband while we were still married, accepting her as stepmother to our children just sucks! It adds fuel to the fire if she is moving into what used to be our house with the person who used to be our husband and having a very big influence on our children!
To be fair, I’m sure being a step-mother isn’t a piece of cake, either! A step-mother may have the best intentions, but she may be dealing with his children who don’t accept her, and her own children who don’t want to share her. She actually may be trying to do the best she can in spite of all of that. As hard as it is, try to give her some grace.
A stepmother can have a way of overstepping her boundaries whether she realizes it or not.
Whether she is “the other woman” who was involved with our ex-husband before our divorce, or the “new woman” who has entered the life of our children after our divorce, dealing with a stepmother overstepping her boundaries hurts in so many ways.
As moms, sometimes we view the stepmother much like we view the ugly, heartless stepmother of Cinderella. From Greek mythology to Grimm’s Fairy Tales, almost all cultures have a “wicked stepmother” story. (That may be unfair, but just saying!) The only trouble is, often our children’s stepmother is not physically an old crag…she may be more like eye candy for our ex-husband. (Ugh!) She is probably trying to impress new children and new hubby alike.
A few stepmoms flagrantly overstep their boundaries either by trying to replace us or by trying to convince their new husband about what a good choice he made. Others may view our children as a nuisance…who “get in the way” of what she really wants…their dad.
Often the difficulty divorce causes for our children is more devastating to us as mothers than the trouble our divorce is causing us as women. Children are precious and can be fragile, but they are also resilient and strong, and it’s important that we realize and reinforce that.
If your children are young…
The stepmother will most likely be playing a bigger part in the lives of young children than we want. The biological mother/child bond is sacred, and biological moms are very protective of that relationship.
One of the women who came to Midlife Divorce Recovery for help talked about opening up her pre-teen daughter’s suitcase, after a weekend with her dad and her new (O.W.) stepmother, to find some beautifully wrapped cookies that the stepmother had baked for her with a note that said something like, “I miss you already!”
The mother was furious and immediately put the beautiful treats unceremoniously down the disposal before her daughter could see them! I’m not condoning that action, but I am confirming that most mothers in that situation might want to do that very thing!
If your children are older…
The stepmother may be closer to our children’s age than to our age. (Ugh, Again! ) In that case, she can become:
- The “cool” confidant
- The young, healthy running companion
- The skinny “friend” who likes the same music our children do…making us feel old, discarded and useless, but more importantly, threatened that we are losing our connection as mother to our children.
Early on, I struggled every time I sent my then teenage son to his dad’s house for his specified time. If there had been a stepmother there at the time, it would have been worse. Even knowing he had to interact with the other woman at all was infuriating. One time he asked, “What am I supposed to do, talk about the weather?”
Types of Overstepping
Talking Negatively About You
Talking badly about the other parent is common in divorce. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. But it’s just as bad if the stepmother talks negatively about us in front of our children, or worse, talks badly about us to the children directly.
When children hear their stepmother badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to stand up and say something in our defense. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace between you and their dad or between the stepmother and their dad. It puts them in a very uncomfortable, confusing position.
If the stepmother is badmouthing us, it’s not only hurtful to our relationship with our child, but it’s infuriating! We can’t defend ourselves when it happens, and It usually makes us furious at both the stepmother and our ex-husband, too. And the children are given one more difficult situation to navigate.
By the way, the children’s father should be the one to nip the stepmother’s badmouthing in the bud!
Badmouthing Choices or Traditions
Another kind of badmouthing that is confusing to our children is when the stepmother criticizes our traditions or other sensitive choices like religion, Often, as mothers, we are trying to maintain spiritual and holiday traditions in the midst of this mess, while the stepmother sometimes demeans, makes fun of or discounts those traditions.
Again, the children’s father should not allow the stepmother to undermine what you are trying to instill as the children’s mother.
Breaking Parenting Rules
Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. One of the most difficult areas of co-parenting (including step-parents) is maintaining parenting rules. The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents.
Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family.
Discipline
Pre-teens and teens are, by design, usually pushing the boundaries of discipline. Even without divorce and stepmothers involved, there are challenges when children this age are becoming more independent and more outspoken about family rules and discipline.
But setting strong, reasonable boundaries is important during divorce and especially when step-parents are involved. Normal kids complain about rules, stepmothers or not, and that’s okay. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control.
Giving children of all ages secure boundaries that are discussed and consistently enforced, makes them feel more secure and more loved. When we become so busy and overwhelmed about our own lives, sometimes we think we are making it easier for children to be more relaxed about the rules. We are not.
Keep in mind, though, that we also need to be flexible. For instance, a teenager’s time for bed is set for 10:00 pm. At 10:00pm he or she may be really upset or worried about something and just needs to let off some steam shooting baskets in the driveway. Teenagers may just need to be allowed to communicate with a friend outside of the determined hours. Be sensitive to kids’ needs and allow for some flexibility in situations like that.
Trying to Replace You
Let me be clear. Your children’s stepmother will never replace you! You are your children’s biological mother. That will never change. It is wrong for a stepmother to somehow try to replace you in your children’s lives. She is there to support their dad and be available for your children within the boundaries of that new role.
Sometimes she is also mothering her own children who may also now be in the family, and that compounds the possibility of favoritism or caring for some children differently than others. It’s definitely a fine line to walk.
Types of Overstepping
Talking Negatively About You
Talking badly about the other parent is common in divorce. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. It’s just as bad if the stepmother talks negatively about us in front of our children, or worse, talks badly about us to the children directly. We shouldn’t put her down either as much as we may want to.
When children hear their stepmother badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to defend us. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace in an awkward, confusing position. Our children are given one more difficult situation to navigate.
By the way, the children’s father should be the one to nip the stepmother’s badmouthing in the bud!
Badmouthing Choices or Traditions
Another kind of badmouthing that is confusing to our children is when the stepmother criticizes our traditions or other sensitive choices like religion. Often, as mothers, we are trying to maintain spiritual and holiday traditions in the midst of this mess, while the stepmother sometimes demeans, makes fun of, or discounts those traditions.
Again, the children’s father should not allow the stepmother to undermine what you are trying to instill as the children’s mother.
Breaking Parenting Rules
Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. One of the most difficult areas of co-parenting (including stepparents) is maintaining parenting rules. The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents.
Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family.
Discipline
Pre-teens and teens are, by design, usually pushing the boundaries. Even without divorce and stepmothers involved, there are challenges when children this age are becoming more independent and more outspoken about family rules and discipline.
Setting strong, reasonable boundaries is important during divorce and especially when stepparents are involved. Normal kids complain about rules, stepmothers or not, and that’s okay. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control.
Giving children of all ages secure boundaries that are discussed and consistently enforced, makes them feel more secure and more loved. When we become so busy and overwhelmed about our own lives, sometimes we think we are making it easier for children when we ignore the rules. We are not. We are making life more difficult.
Keep in mind, though, that we all need to be reasonably flexible. Be sensitive to kids’ needs and allow for some common sense give and take.
Trying to Replace You
Let me be clear. Our children’s stepmother will never replace us! We are our children’s biological mother. That will never change. It is wrong for a stepmother to in any way try to replace us in our children’s lives. She is there to support their dad and be available for our children within the boundaries of that new role.
Sometimes she is also mothering her own children who may now be in the family, and that compounds the possibility of favoritism or caring for some children differently than others. It’s definitely a fine line to walk for everyone concerned.
What To Do About It
The best thing we can do for our children after divorce and especially when a stepmother comes into the picture, is to get better ourselves.
To get started, try our FREE 5-Day Divorce Recovery Crash Course. You’ll receive five encouraging and helpful emails sent to your inbox.
Our kids need to be able to go to the other parent’s house, and know that we are going to be okay and not a crying mess. We need to be getting stronger physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in every way we can. We need to make our children’s time with us “normal” and the best it can possibly be. We cannot control anything that goes on at our ex-husband’s house, unless, of course, you fear for your children’s safety.
That means:
- Don’t ask questions about the stepmom or your ex.
- Don’t press your children to talk about their time away, but let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
- Don’t get enraged or sad when your children talk about things that happened at their dad’s house with the stepmom. Ask instead, “How did that make you feel?” Then talk about that.
- Maintain your own boundaries and rules when the children are at your house.
- Focus on teaching them the powerful lessons of resilience during this challenging time.
- Let them know that you are okay…that they don’t have to protect you or be your support system.
- Be confident, joyful and excited about life. That will rub off on your children.
- Let them know you are all in this together and you will get through this.
Remember, co-parenting with your ex-husband and the stepmother is not a competition. It is a team effort with the goal of providing the most secure, stable, functional environment for your children possible.
Talk To Her
Sometimes, it is helpful to have a one-to-one conversation with the stepmom, as difficult as that might be, especially if she is the “other woman” who had a part in destroying your family. Maybe writing a letter could be helpful.
Don’t immediately think of her as an adversary. She may have children of her own, and she may be doing the best she can in a very complicated situation, just like you are. And, who knows, you may actually become a stepmother yourself at some point.
Make clear your desire to work together for the best for the kids. Discuss any areas of conflict calmly and reasonably.
Talk To Your Ex-Husband
Having a frank conversation with your ex-husband about the welfare of your children is something that should happen early on. Be clear about your expectations, and listen to what he is concerned about. Remember – your top priority is what is best for your children.
Make sure that when your children are at your house, they feel safe, secure, loved and happy. You can’t control what happens at your ex’s house, or what your children’s stepmother is doing, but you can control what happens at your house. Make it good! And fun!
Our MasterPlan program includes the six-part “Parenting Through Divorce” program, developed by an older child of divorce. Grady, our youngest son interviewed several of his 30-something friends about what they were thinking and needing during their own parents’ divorce. The program gives insights straight from the kids.
Remember: Stepmothers aren’t usually “the enemy.” We have to focus on providing the best environment possible for our children when they are with us. No one can destroy our biological bond with them. The best thing we can do is make their time with us good and fun and nurturing in every way we can. To make that happen, we have to get better ourselves after our divorce. We can help. You can get started today with the free Crash Course.
Warning to step moms! All too often overstepping boundaries, manipulating (without even realizing it) blaming the bio mom, fighting hard for a life hoping it will improve and mothering a husband that never can man-up. How do I know? I am a stepmom. Stop trying to change your husbands, the step children and the situation. Stop blaming the ex wife, and whining about child support – they aren’t your children. You are fighting a losing battle. Does it ever occur to you to direct your complaints to your husband and hold him accountable? If you think you are in control, you are mistaken. If you think you are a saving grace to your husband and step children, you are mistaken. I have so much respect for my step children’s bio mom, our relationship was rocky at the beginning and I take complete ownership of that. I was insecure, competitive, controlling and really needing so much personal growth, and dealing with pains of my own childhood. I love my step children and that means loving and respecting their mom. Thank you to all the bio moms for carrying so much weight, for carrying the emotional and mental burdens! For having once being married to the same man as the second/third wives, let’s give them more credit. Step moms, the sooner we can admit our wrongs, our pride, and take a step back – the sooner we can experience so much peace and calm. Hugs to you all.
I have dealt with jealousy, bitterness and control between me (bio mom) and the stepmom going on 12 years now, both my daughters who are now 15 and going on 18 live with the dad due to better schools…she is a control freak and makes sure my daughters stay busy so they cant have the time to see me much…she wishes she was the bio mom and both my girls are very loyal to her and i feel she makes them see how she sees me, and my friends and family has seen how this has played out all these years and knows she is not a good person to me but pretends to be the greatest thing ever…the girls know how she is and has to roll with it so they dont upset her…i have to keep hush on how i feel bc they will report everything to her and i will never hear the end of it..my ex refuses to communicate with me bc he doesnt want to upset her in any way…the girls get overwhelmed on mothers day bc they need to be 50/50 with her and the wife does have an 8 ur old with my ex…i rarely get to see them bc the girls dont like to rock the boat with her and afraid to make her feel like they will love me more on the days i see them…i have tried to talk to the stepmom and she refuses to hear anything i have to say and is afraid to admit her true feelings..im tired and wish i could find peace on this…i have anxiety all the time just thinking about it and miss my girls everyday…i wish i was strong enough to get a lawyer but i know my girls life will be… Read more »
I am a bio mom and my ex husband remarried but did so with someone that used to be around us all the time when we were married. The woman was my friend; went on trips together and everything. I would never have any problem with my ex had remarried someone I haven’t met or don’t know. Now, with that being said, I am having trouble accepting his new wife in my daughter’s life. I don’t want her involved in anything when it comes to my daughter because I am having a real hard time trusting that woman with my most precious gift. I teach my daughter to respect her and not be rude because she is her father’s wife and the woman of the house when she visits her dad at the end of the day, but I don’t want her involved in my daughter’s life at all. She is not allowed to come to any function when it comes to my daughter, her father can’t take her on a trip if the wife is coming along etc… I am not sure how to deal with that situation. I always said that when her father remarries, I would try my best to give this stranger then benefit of the doubt when it comes to my child but in this case, it’s someone I knew too well and the feeling of betrayal makes it very hard fro me to allow her to do anything for my daughter…. I know a lot of you might judge my actions or train of thoughts but that’s how I feel and I cannot get over that situation
I am a stepmom and came into the marriage with a young child of my own. The mother was the cheater which dissolved the marriage and married the man a few months later. My husband became ‘disney dad’ and has never made his children from his first marriage accountable or responsible for anything and that includes respecting me as an adult and not so much as a stepparent. He adopted my child and we have since had one of our own. The children in our house are required to follow the rules and be respectful. But every other weekend its a free-for-all in our house. They are cruel (you’re not my real sibling because you’re adopted-my mom said so) verbally and sometimes physically to the younger child.
I’ve tried to talk to the Mom and let her know what is happening but she doesn’t care. In fact I think she enjoys that they are so terrible when they are here. I’ve found drugs, alcohol and evidence of the oldest having sex. I’ve told the Mom but her response is that they aren’t doing anything different than what other kids that age are doing.
My husband likes to keep the peace and is very non-confrontational so he chooses to say nothing. He is also scared he will lose his children because the one time he did discipline the oldest refused to come to our house for over a year and wouldn’t talk to him by phone, email or in person.
I wish someone would write an article that lets stepmothers know it’s alright to step in and take charge of raising/disciplining someone else’s kids when as a mom yourself is just trying to keep your house and sh*t together for your own kids.
Wow, this article really feeds into the toxic idea that when you marry a man with kids, you are forever “just” a stepmom. I am both a stepmom an a bio mom. For the first year of my marriage I believed the lie that I had to cease to be a person and fit quietly in so as not to change or upset anything. The fact that I married a man with kids does not negate the fact that I am a person who matters too. I do not cease to need safety, respect, and kindness because I married a man with children. Perhaps if we all worked a little bit harder at practicing empathy, we would see more solutions-driven articles and fewer like the one above.
Wow. I’m a stepmother of 2 and this was the most bitter and depressing thing I’ve ever read. I have never seen stepfathers dragged as much as stepmothers are. In fact, I often listen to bio moms talk about how wonderful their new husbands are for taking on the role of “fathering” children that aren’t theirs. This just feels like internalized misogyny and dang…makes me really sad.
I actually used my google search today to find support as a woman in a marriage with two kids who are not mine biologically, but whom I love really deeply. Finding this just made me feel like garbage. Way to build up other women and promote a healthy relationship between step mothers and bio mothers.
I am a stepmom and this article misses so many points. It is not overstepping my boundaries when drug use and other dangerous behaviors are going on in your home. My husband had single father guilt (they had been divorced since my stepson was 24 months old) and did not enforce rules because he received so much backlash from bio-mom and grandparents (they were definitely enablers of all of the behavior) who thought stepson could do no wrong. A step mom attempting to be a responsible authority figure in her own home is not synonymous with trying to replace bio-mom.
I read this article because I’m having issues with feeling like my sons stepmom is overstepping boundaries. Especially since Ive always been here in my child’s life. They came into the picture later on. She can’t have kids and has had a soccer coach try to tell me I was a step mom because of the way she spoke to him calling herself his mother and teachers trying to figure out what the home situation is. And now teachers are being confused as who they are talking to because 2 people are messaging them as his mother!!! My child recently wanted to up and move with his dad and stepmom leaving his 3 younger siblings behind because he said “it’s not fair they never got to know what it’s like to be parents”. I don’t feel like that’s his problem, I almost died carrying him and was homeless in the streets with him as a baby because of how he left. There are a lot more issues that happened. I have talked to his dad and said we should be the ones talking about stuff going on with our child not me and her. I don’t mind sometimes but at the end of the day we are the parents and she should understand that. I know she’s the step mom and will talk with his dad about choices but at the end of the day she shouldn’t dictate what happens with our son. . My childhood crush that I was blessed to marry was the only father our son knew for the longest time and when his bio dad came into the pic he backed off. He wanted his dad to be able to have that father son relationship. My son was scared to call me mom in front of… Read more »
My situation is just a little different. Me and my ex have been separated since my daughter was like 6 months old, she is 11 now, no jealousy issues to work out here. I have primary custody through court. I have been with my current boyfriend since she was 2. He has been with many girls after me and I have been fine with all of them, not to say we never ran into problems at all, but we all were able to work through them together. Especially the one before this one, we still talk to this day. She is wonderful and I believe she was the perfect stepmom. This woman he is married to now causes nothing but trouble, not just for me, but the mother of his other child. I have not ever once told him how to run his house. I don’t tell him that his wife can’t correct or enforce rules of their home. I am strong believer in setting rules and having them followed. However, her father will teach our daughter to be sneaky and teacher her how to do things behind his wifes back and how not get caught. He allows his wife to change medical records around, blocking me from access to them. I recently had to take him back to court for this and the judge completely prohibited him from even accessing them now. She talked to my daughter about the change of life and did not even consult me. When addressed with her father that she should not be taking milestone moments like that away from me, I got told to grow up. This is not about growing up. It is not about his wife being in the picture. This is soley in reference to the ignorance of you taking… Read more »
I am a mother, my ex husband remarried 7 years ago, so I am the bio-mother for our children and they have a step-mum. I was in the bio-mum position for a couple of years and then I met a guy with whom I am now in a relationship for 3 years and counting. My partner has a young son with a woman with whom he never had a relationship (decision to raise a child as co-parents from the day she fell pregnant). Being in a step-mum position is way harder than being a bio mom position. And I am very much detached, my partner is hands on, full time parent who does everything that is parenting related. I NEVER tried to be a mother or overstep. We have been very clear (repeatedly) with the mother that I am not here to parent or bring up their son. She admits (the only thing I like about you is that you are not trying to be a mother). But she can not help, she is full of fear that she is in comparison, that her son might like me a lot, that we might provide a happy home for him during that 50% time he is with his dad. She is constantly mean, spiteful, hateful, resentful, trying to push dad out of their son’s life now. Attack me with rudeness and said over and over again that she is sure I will do something bad to her. We have nor zero interaction. I leave the car 500 meters before her house when it is dropped off, to avoid this son witnessing her rudeness towards me. I never said a bad word about her. We put up a number of pictures of him and his mum and mum’s family in his bedroom.… Read more »