If our marriage has survived into our fifties, we think it should be smooth sailing after that. That’s turning out not to be the case. Sadly, more divorces are happening after 50 (often called Gray Divorces) than you might expect, affecting everything from our children, our finances, our self esteem and sometimes our very survival.
See also: Divorce After 40, Divorce After 60
At around 50 years old, many people take a fresh look at a lot of things in their lives, including marriages. This is the time men (and women) have their famous “midlife crisis.” They start asking “Is this all there is?” Read more about midlife crisis divorce.
Women are also asking questions. Mainly, “What’s happening to me?” Menopause wreaks havoc on our body, our emotions and even our libido. Our child-rearing work has possibly eased up, and our kids are needing us less. But then, our parents may be needing us more.
After children leave home, many couples face this same identity crisis. You might hear statements like, “I’ve been working all these years to take care of my family, buying the groceries, paying the mortgage, financing the braces and getting the kids off to college.” Or… “I’ve endured this abuse, addiction, lack of respect for all these years. Enough is enough.”
After 50, many seem easily susceptible to that siren song … “I want some new excitement!”
As one bright, beautiful woman recently shared with me, her husband of more than three decades told her, “I want to explore! I’ve done my part, now it’s time for me! I don’t want to be tied down!” He left with no discussion, no trying to fix things, no regard for their long years together. What kind of coward does that?!
When the man leaves the marriage for another woman, that is absolutely devastating to the woman who has invested many years of life and love into her family. A man who has a midlife affair often doesn’t have the guts to come to us and tell us what is going on in his head. They hardly ever say, “I’m not happy. I need something different,” and try to fix things in the marriage before they sneak off with their secretary or their nurse or someone they met in a bar.
If you can’t tell, I have strong opinions about that!
Coping With Divorce After 50
I’ve never really liked the sound of that phrase…”coping with divorce”… like it’s some new disease that I’ll never get rid of or something. Right off the bat I want to recognize, divorce sucks and it’s probably going to be painful for longer than you want. When I divorced in my fifties it took me longer than I care to admit to get through it. But I want to be the first to tell you, even a divorce after 50, can be just the upheaval you need to create an amazing next act in your life.
Yes, there are definitely some unique challenges as your start to get into this age range and there are key areas you’re gonna have to cope with.
Here are some of the major thoughts that ran through my head as I dealt with my divorce in my fifties.
- “What kind of life is there for me now? I’m already fifty years old!”
- “Who will want to be with me?”
- “How am I going to survive financially?”
- “This wasn’t supposed to happen to us…what happened to the perfect marriage I had dreamed of?”
On top of that, you have to deal with all the normal things that happen to all women in their fifties.
So where to start – coping with divorce after 50 usually means simply surviving at first.
You have to deal with the difficult grief period that many people don’t even recognize as “real” grief. Early on it’s a victory if you can survive from morning ‘til night without falling apart completely.
Depression And Divorce After 50
Depression usually shows up somewhere on this trip regardless of how the divorce happens. I had never taken an antidepressant in my life until my divorce when I was 53. I took one pill prescribed by my physician, and I became so physically sick that I thought to myself, “If I don’t pull myself together, he might make me take another one of those pills, and I might die!” I never took another one.
So what can you do? How do you navigate the sadness and devastation caused by this divorce.
Your first job is to take care of yourself. You must do the basics of simple self-care.
Try to get enough sleep (hard, almost impossible I know!) – My best advice, move to step 2!
Exercise! Yes even 50 year olds need to exercise. I rode my bicycle like crazy when I got divorced. I would get way out into rural areas and scream and cry as I rode. Find anything you can do to get your heart rate up and keep it up. This single handedly can improve your depression.
Eat something healthy – I personally couldn’t stomach a big meal early on, and found the best thing for me was to graze on healthy snacks all day long. A handful of nuts here, an apple there, a slice of cheese, a can of soup, or fiber-rich, high protein cereal.
Drink plenty of clear, healthy liquids. I found myself drinking a lot of fruit juices, but would dilute them by at least half with water to cut down on the sugar.
Also, make sure you’re getting out in the sun a bit every day, and doing something that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes, too.
Finally, GET HELP! Do not isolate yourself even though all you want to do, early on, is get in bed and cover your head until the pain stops. We can connect you with women from all over the country and internationally who know how you’re feeling and are feeling those same things too.
Surviving Divorce After 50: Feeling Alone
Loneliness is another big issue in divorce after 50. Many women in their fifties went to college, got married early, had children, and then just when things ease up a bit at home, our husband leaves. It was the first time I had actually ever lived alone after my husband left, and soon after, our last child left for college.
After 50, divorce makes us wonder where we fit in, and if surviving divorce after 50 is possible. Often our friends don’t want to take sides. They don’t want to interfere. We become “complicated.” We are the fifth wheel in groups of couples. And no one really gets how hard this is after most of our adult life, we were part of a couple.
That’s why one of the first things I recommend you do is connect with other women on this road. Once I found a group of women I could talk to, women who were going through the same thing…which again was much farther into the divorce than I care to admit… but once I did that I felt my recovery make turn in the right direction.
I wasn’t the only one out there. Women in their fifties and lots of them were doing things they had only dreamed of doing in their marriages. I finally felt a bit of hope!
Feeling Inadequate Or Unattractive When Your Husband Leaves
I mean no disrespect for women whose husbands have died in midlife. But I believe, and there is evidence to prove this, having a spouse die is easier to deal with emotionally than if your-still-very-much-alive husband decides you’re not fun enough or smart enough or adventurous enough or whatever, and goes looking for a younger model more suited to his new view of himself.
The cruel thing is that instead of the couple working things out together and finding new adventure together, the man looks for someone new. I’m sorry to say, there is no shortage of girlFIENDS out there. (A girlFIEND is any woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man!) Instead of the man rekindling the romance with his wife, he woos and tries to impress this sweet young thing who is usually much younger than he is, and is looking for someone to finance her life.
Often, the wife, who might also have been looking forward to the new freedom after the kids are gone, is left alone to pick up the pieces while he is getting his ego (and something else!) stroked by another woman. And most of the time, a midlife wife, no matter how much fun, bright or good looking she is, can never compete with someone much younger who makes the man feel young and sexually desirable again.
So what do you do?
The first thing I recommend is taking advantage of this opportunity to, potentially for the first time, look forward and ask…
- Who do I want to be now?
- What do I want to do now that I don’t have to worry about my ex anymore?
- What do I want to do that I never felt comfortable doing or didn’t feel able to do with my ex around?
For the first time in probably a long time, you can do really whatever you want without having to “impress someone” or make your husband feel special or for your husband.
Take advantage of this opportunity to be yourself OR figure out who you are with out the other person!
Divorce And Finances After 50
Finances are usually a huge issue during after 50 divorces. Just when you both might be looking forward to retirement and more time and money to travel and do things together, suddenly your financial security is put at risk. You may have to continue working for much longer than you planned. You usually have to leave your family home and find an apartment or downsize to a much smaller house for yourself and any children still at home.
Retirement funds are affected too. Divorce at any time is expensive. A long-drawn out battle eats up a lot of money for both parties. Some women end up with no retirement safety net at all. That’s especially true if the woman spent most of her married life staying home and taking care of the kids and things at home. And often with a new woman in his life, the ex becomes less likely to “do right by you” financially, as he promised.
There’s a ton to think about here – take a look at our article How To Get Through A Divorce Financially.
Recovery And Transformation
In the middle of all of this mess, we ask ourselves, “Will I ever get over this?” “Will I ever really be happy again?” “Is surviving divorce after 50 possible?”
The answer is yes! Absolutely!
There definitely is life after divorce at 50, but, your recovery is up to you. We have lots of ways to help, but you have to decide that you aren’t going to let one person, or this divorce, define you or destroy your future.
You definitely have grief work to do and healing work to do. But after that time of coming to grips with your new reality, you can start figuring out what comes next. And speaking from experience and from mentoring hundreds of women, your life can be amazing again – or maybe amazing for the very first time. But it’s your choice.
Get the resources, tools and services that can move you from how you’re feeling right now to creating a fun, good, adventurous life of your own. And it can be better than you can even imagine!
Let us help. Don’t waste another minute. Life is moving on. You wasband (your ex) has already moved on. You need to move on, too. We know you want to, but you don’t know where to start. We have a practical, energizing, structured system that works. Why don’t you try it out?
So, where do I go? I’m 50 and my wife is leaving after 30 years. I’m clueless!! I have no outside contacts, friends, family except her and the kids. I’ve tried getting to hobbies I love but about 12 years ago, I had a debilitating spinal injury. I’m walking agin and such. Sex life for me isn’t the same. I’ve got a lot of things screwed up. Is sex at 50+ so important it negates 30 years and a medical injury? Fucked!
I never thought I would find myself here, in this awful, sad place. I thought we would figure it all out – that we would fight for our relationship and make sure that we protected it. I now realise that he has left our relationship (I actually think he emotionally left a while ago). We both keep saying that we don’t want it to end – to me, that means we’re staying together. But to him, it means that he doesn’t want it to end, but he also doesn’t want to stay.
After all of the things that he’s said to me in the last few days, I am now starting to think that he wants me to be the one to end the relationship. That I have to do this, in order to move on. It’s a bit of a mind f…. quite frankly. When I’ve asked him whether he wants us to end, he says “it’s ambiguous”. We don’t know. Surely after 11 years we know??
And so now, I’m scared. I have decided to become a realtor in order to generate an income in my later years. I’m going to have to pack up and move to a cheaper province where I can live mortgage free. Sounds good, but if there is no money coming in, living mortgage free still doesn’t work. This realtor thing really has to work for me, and at age 53, I’m out of options.
When I read what I’ve written here it’s quite confusing. Bottom line – I’m scared about my future prospects.
I am going through a divorce now after being married 38 years. I caught my husband on Craigslist trying to hook up with a man! I stayed with him for a year after that episode but knew something was terribly wrong! I left the house in the beginning of September after an argument. Went to stay with mom and dad to clear my head. Was away from home 2 days and saw his text messages to someone he was hooking up with on line. He was inviting this person over to my house, offering this person to clean up in my shower etc…. they were sending pictures of themselves to one another. He had no idea who this person even was he was talking to! The picture of the other person looked like a transvestite! I had access to his text messages and he didn’t even know it! I am 57 , not ugly, believe in God and can work out if my home wherever I live. I am devastated over this but know I will be much better off! I would like to get married again as I love being married and having someone there with me everyday. I pray everyday Godvwill bring me that right someone when I am ready!
It seems that there are alot of women dealing with a divorce. Are there many men here who were delt a bad hand? I was married for 27 years. She just decided there was more to do in life that didn’t include me. I am devastated. Lost…grieved and grieved some more. Not sure there is much hope for me but it is nice to talk to people in similar situations, Thanks everyone
Interesting that you mentioned men who leave their wives for other women, but skirted the women who cheat on their husbands…or did I miss something? My family was destroyed by a woman who “just needed some excitement”. Funny thing. Life is now very exciting. Just not what she expected. Oscar Wilde was right. There really are two tragedies in life, not getting what you and and getting it…
I have been married for 10 years, no children and I am 55 years old. I have been considering leaving my marriage for a long time off and on. My husband is a good provider, loyal and reliable but he is a cold man who shows no emotion, love or affection. We have not had sex for 2-3 years. I have never seen this man laugh which means we have never laughed. We have been through hard times including burying both my parents at which time my family fell apart and now I have had no relationship with any of my siblings or nieces and nephews (7 years). He and my in-laws are my only family but I do have some very good friends. We are both physically fit and exercise is a big part of our life yet we don’t exercise together. We have no financial issues and both are contributing members. I am lonely in this marriage and have been for years. My husband is not physically abusive but can sometimes be mean and disrespectful. He never ever apologizes for bad behaviour and is a right fighter. We started individual therapy last year which lead to couple therapy, all with the same psychologist. Through this I have learned a lot about him and his childhood issues which has explained a lot. I pulled out of couples therapy as it became clear my husband is the problem in this marriage and he has some work to do alone. He is now doing individual therapy but there has been no change not even a little. Our psychologist has identified and provided tools to bring us closer and communicate better. He just won’t use them and I feel I am wasting my life. There is so much more I could write… Read more »
A very good read- unfortunately I’m in the same predicament. I’m a guy! My wife told me she lost the spark with me and saw me as a housemate. I’m trying everything to save our marriage but she isn’t interested in doing anything about it. I’ve asked her to help me- can we do something together- no matter how small- just act as a couple- nothing. I didn’t think it possible to feel so dejected and adrift. She loves me- but not in a relationship way. I don’t see any way forward if she feels how she feels.
Ha ha….the world is full of PLUMS…Pre Loved Used Mums!
I am nearing 52 years old, and have been married to alcoholism for 25 years. I have raised 3 kids, 4 if you include my husband. He is sneaky, a liar, and has an addiction to porn, where I am not good enough to even arouse him, sexually. It has been 3 years since we were romantic together. My youngest is leaving the nest tomorrow, and today, the first day of the New Year, I awake to find him already drunk. I am financially sound, can afford to stay in the house, though it is far too large for just me. The thought of making the repairs, (as I sit with no heat today at 0 degrees), doing away with 25 years of crap, I am terrified of what getting this divorce will do to me moving forward. Don’t have any friends, no hobbies, just work and wondering if I am going to arrive home to a drunk husband, yet again. Not sure what to do moving forward; Just know that this old lady needs change. What to do?
Pushing 60 and have health issues. Help!