If our marriage has survived into our fifties, we think it should be smooth sailing after that. That’s turning out not to be the case. Sadly, more divorces are happening after 50 (often called Gray Divorces) than you might expect, affecting everything from our children, our finances, our self esteem and sometimes our very survival.
See also: Divorce After 40, Divorce After 60
At around 50 years old, many people take a fresh look at a lot of things in their lives, including marriages. This is the time men (and women) have their famous “midlife crisis.” They start asking “Is this all there is?” Read more about midlife crisis divorce.
Women are also asking questions. Mainly, “What’s happening to me?” Menopause wreaks havoc on our body, our emotions and even our libido. Our child-rearing work has possibly eased up, and our kids are needing us less. But then, our parents may be needing us more.
After children leave home, many couples face this same identity crisis. You might hear statements like, “I’ve been working all these years to take care of my family, buying the groceries, paying the mortgage, financing the braces and getting the kids off to college.” Or… “I’ve endured this abuse, addiction, lack of respect for all these years. Enough is enough.”
After 50, many seem easily susceptible to that siren song … “I want some new excitement!”
As one bright, beautiful woman recently shared with me, her husband of more than three decades told her, “I want to explore! I’ve done my part, now it’s time for me! I don’t want to be tied down!” He left with no discussion, no trying to fix things, no regard for their long years together. What kind of coward does that?!
When the man leaves the marriage for another woman, that is absolutely devastating to the woman who has invested many years of life and love into her family. A man who has a midlife affair often doesn’t have the guts to come to us and tell us what is going on in his head. They hardly ever say, “I’m not happy. I need something different,” and try to fix things in the marriage before they sneak off with their secretary or their nurse or someone they met in a bar.
If you can’t tell, I have strong opinions about that!
Coping With Divorce After 50
I’ve never really liked the sound of that phrase…”coping with divorce”… like it’s some new disease that I’ll never get rid of or something. Right off the bat I want to recognize, divorce sucks and it’s probably going to be painful for longer than you want. When I divorced in my fifties it took me longer than I care to admit to get through it. But I want to be the first to tell you, even a divorce after 50, can be just the upheaval you need to create an amazing next act in your life.
Yes, there are definitely some unique challenges as your start to get into this age range and there are key areas you’re gonna have to cope with.
Here are some of the major thoughts that ran through my head as I dealt with my divorce in my fifties.
- “What kind of life is there for me now? I’m already fifty years old!”
- “Who will want to be with me?”
- “How am I going to survive financially?”
- “This wasn’t supposed to happen to us…what happened to the perfect marriage I had dreamed of?”
On top of that, you have to deal with all the normal things that happen to all women in their fifties.
So where to start – coping with divorce after 50 usually means simply surviving at first.
You have to deal with the difficult grief period that many people don’t even recognize as “real” grief. Early on it’s a victory if you can survive from morning ‘til night without falling apart completely.
Depression And Divorce After 50
Depression usually shows up somewhere on this trip regardless of how the divorce happens. I had never taken an antidepressant in my life until my divorce when I was 53. I took one pill prescribed by my physician, and I became so physically sick that I thought to myself, “If I don’t pull myself together, he might make me take another one of those pills, and I might die!” I never took another one.
So what can you do? How do you navigate the sadness and devastation caused by this divorce.
Your first job is to take care of yourself. You must do the basics of simple self-care.
Try to get enough sleep (hard, almost impossible I know!) – My best advice, move to step 2!
Exercise! Yes even 50 year olds need to exercise. I rode my bicycle like crazy when I got divorced. I would get way out into rural areas and scream and cry as I rode. Find anything you can do to get your heart rate up and keep it up. This single handedly can improve your depression.
Eat something healthy – I personally couldn’t stomach a big meal early on, and found the best thing for me was to graze on healthy snacks all day long. A handful of nuts here, an apple there, a slice of cheese, a can of soup, or fiber-rich, high protein cereal.
Drink plenty of clear, healthy liquids. I found myself drinking a lot of fruit juices, but would dilute them by at least half with water to cut down on the sugar.
Also, make sure you’re getting out in the sun a bit every day, and doing something that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes, too.
Finally, GET HELP! Do not isolate yourself even though all you want to do, early on, is get in bed and cover your head until the pain stops. We can connect you with women from all over the country and internationally who know how you’re feeling and are feeling those same things too.
Surviving Divorce After 50: Feeling Alone
Loneliness is another big issue in divorce after 50. Many women in their fifties went to college, got married early, had children, and then just when things ease up a bit at home, our husband leaves. It was the first time I had actually ever lived alone after my husband left, and soon after, our last child left for college.
After 50, divorce makes us wonder where we fit in, and if surviving divorce after 50 is possible. Often our friends don’t want to take sides. They don’t want to interfere. We become “complicated.” We are the fifth wheel in groups of couples. And no one really gets how hard this is after most of our adult life, we were part of a couple.
That’s why one of the first things I recommend you do is connect with other women on this road. Once I found a group of women I could talk to, women who were going through the same thing…which again was much farther into the divorce than I care to admit… but once I did that I felt my recovery make turn in the right direction.
I wasn’t the only one out there. Women in their fifties and lots of them were doing things they had only dreamed of doing in their marriages. I finally felt a bit of hope!
Feeling Inadequate Or Unattractive When Your Husband Leaves
I mean no disrespect for women whose husbands have died in midlife. But I believe, and there is evidence to prove this, having a spouse die is easier to deal with emotionally than if your-still-very-much-alive husband decides you’re not fun enough or smart enough or adventurous enough or whatever, and goes looking for a younger model more suited to his new view of himself.
The cruel thing is that instead of the couple working things out together and finding new adventure together, the man looks for someone new. I’m sorry to say, there is no shortage of girlFIENDS out there. (A girlFIEND is any woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man!) Instead of the man rekindling the romance with his wife, he woos and tries to impress this sweet young thing who is usually much younger than he is, and is looking for someone to finance her life.
Often, the wife, who might also have been looking forward to the new freedom after the kids are gone, is left alone to pick up the pieces while he is getting his ego (and something else!) stroked by another woman. And most of the time, a midlife wife, no matter how much fun, bright or good looking she is, can never compete with someone much younger who makes the man feel young and sexually desirable again.
So what do you do?
The first thing I recommend is taking advantage of this opportunity to, potentially for the first time, look forward and ask…
- Who do I want to be now?
- What do I want to do now that I don’t have to worry about my ex anymore?
- What do I want to do that I never felt comfortable doing or didn’t feel able to do with my ex around?
For the first time in probably a long time, you can do really whatever you want without having to “impress someone” or make your husband feel special or for your husband.
Take advantage of this opportunity to be yourself OR figure out who you are with out the other person!
Divorce And Finances After 50
Finances are usually a huge issue during after 50 divorces. Just when you both might be looking forward to retirement and more time and money to travel and do things together, suddenly your financial security is put at risk. You may have to continue working for much longer than you planned. You usually have to leave your family home and find an apartment or downsize to a much smaller house for yourself and any children still at home.
Retirement funds are affected too. Divorce at any time is expensive. A long-drawn out battle eats up a lot of money for both parties. Some women end up with no retirement safety net at all. That’s especially true if the woman spent most of her married life staying home and taking care of the kids and things at home. And often with a new woman in his life, the ex becomes less likely to “do right by you” financially, as he promised.
There’s a ton to think about here – take a look at our article How To Get Through A Divorce Financially.
Recovery And Transformation
In the middle of all of this mess, we ask ourselves, “Will I ever get over this?” “Will I ever really be happy again?” “Is surviving divorce after 50 possible?”
The answer is yes! Absolutely!
There definitely is life after divorce at 50, but, your recovery is up to you. We have lots of ways to help, but you have to decide that you aren’t going to let one person, or this divorce, define you or destroy your future.
You definitely have grief work to do and healing work to do. But after that time of coming to grips with your new reality, you can start figuring out what comes next. And speaking from experience and from mentoring hundreds of women, your life can be amazing again – or maybe amazing for the very first time. But it’s your choice.
Get the resources, tools and services that can move you from how you’re feeling right now to creating a fun, good, adventurous life of your own. And it can be better than you can even imagine!
Let us help. Don’t waste another minute. Life is moving on. You wasband (your ex) has already moved on. You need to move on, too. We know you want to, but you don’t know where to start. We have a practical, energizing, structured system that works. Why don’t you try it out?
This is a great article. This is what exactly happened to me…. he needed a younger gal… he’ll find out soon enough that she just wants someone to take care of her, and she’ll drain him dry…
My ex left the family and married a single mom of three kids… foolish foolish foolish
It’s amazing that they make these, as you put it, FOOLISH choices. I like two pieces of advice I heard: (1) If he is dumb enough to leave, we have to be smart enough to let him go. and (2) Don’t die of someone else’s misery. You just keep moving forward to the life you deserve.
Is there hope to find love again at this age? I just turned 50 and I don’t want to be single forever. Have any of your clients in this situation found partners again?
Yes! In 2007 my ex walked out on me after 37 years of marriage. I was 57 . In 2 1/2 years I was separated , divorced, and he died of cancer.
It was a horrible time for me and my two grown and married sons.
Fast forward to 2013 I met a wonderful man on OK Cupid. We dated for about a year and a half. Then in 2015 , we were married and very happy!!
We are truly blessed to have our 4.children on board. They all participated in our wedding and are truly happy for us.
There is hope . Just give it time and don’t lose “Hope”.
My favorite quote is
“ Heal the past,
Live the present
Dream the future”
JP
Need ask why a man would leave?
My wife has suddenly decided to leave and take my daughter 300 miles away, her reason she wants to live in the south of england. This is after supporting her through the menopause for 5 years (no sex).
she has been able to work all are married life.
Your bias against men is draconian at best. Its amusing how we want equality, but as soon as there is a divorse the man is somehow considered better off, even when the man did not want to separate in the first place.
We all have equal opportunity build up savings for retirement. The choice to take the opportunity is a personal choice and IS NOT a result of having children and the NEED to stay at home.
If my wife deciced to try and take the pension I earned through hard work, whilst working from home and dropping off and picking up the kids, I will fight it until there is no will or money left. If child support ask me to pay the full amount even though its impossible for me to even visit the kids (300 miles away) I will not pay and will happily go to prison
need to wake up and smell the evolution.
Dear Sir, (Chris)
Our blog, and the opinion expressed in ‘Surviving Divorce After 50’ is directed to women which has been the focus of our support program so far. It isn’t ‘draconian’ as you say because we still get hundreds of women who write their stories to us who have experienced the husband leaving, their infidelity, abuse, abaondonment, and the devastation it causes them.
Unfortunately, it does happen to men too – when the women leave. The increase in men coming to our website with stories like yours has prompted us to begin a mens program which will be launched very soon. I hope you check us out again when it does. It would be best for you, not to end up in prison. Do take care – sorry that this is happening to you.
Midlife Divorce Recovery Team
Well said, Chris! Try and find anything on the web for male support and divorce, it doesn’t exist.
Hey Chris and Karl,
You should take a look at our Men’s recover program we recently launched here. It’s similar to our program helping women go through divorce and is primarily targeted to men who were left or cheated on by their wives.
Divorce Recovery Academy for Men
I’m the one who wanted the divorce, not the other way around. I don’t regret the divorce, but the guilt is simply killing me.
I can honestly say I look back every single day and wonder what the hell happened and what was I thinking? Women need to check and make sure their hormones are in balance and there usn’t A thyroid issue going on before making these decisions. I was diagnosed hypothyroid after the divorce and I still think it caused me to make a decision I wasn’t truly aware of.
I have been on my own for 12 years now and can honestly say I would rather be dead than live like this. I have a great family and wonderful son, but the loneliness is increasingly unbearable and it’s not like I sit at home doing nothing. I’m a pretty strong, athletic woman who isn’t afraid to do things alone. Men are intimidated by that and don’t want you.
I tell women all the time that unless it’s abuse, drugs, or alcohol, stay. If he’s cheating on you, turn your head if you have any sense of financial stabikity because what is out there is a hundred times worse. It truly is like being the walking dead at this age. Beyond horrible.
It doesn’t have to be like”being the walking dead at this age. Beyond horrible.” Our future is OUR responsibility, no matter where we are starting. We can make decisions every single day that get us closer to the life we want!
I didn’t end up alone through divorce, my husband passed away 9.5 years ago. But I am in a similar boat as far as loneliness is concerned. I agree about the walking dead comment. Its brutal.
I feel your pain! Ughhh
Thank you for this much needed article. Getting divorced after 50 often means that you’ve spent long years with the spouse you are now separating from. The process is bound to be difficult. It is always advisable to seek professional help on all accounts, whether it is to know more about the laws in your state and your rights associated with divorce or coping strategies for the depression and feeling of loss that are inevitable.
My wasband found a young bar girl in Phuket 35 years his junior. So, after being married for 32 years, he divorces me, gets her pregnant and now they’re having a beach wedding this Saturday 4th November 2017.
He is 60 and she is 25, younger than our two children. After building up our finances for three decades, this young thing just walks in and enjoys financial freedom and I am left to look for full time work to continue supporting myself. Please tell me I will recover from this
Maria, words can not express my anger over this. You will recover and can’t say when. I guess you may want to release it and take one day at a time. I am sorry !
Thank you Angela. It’s a roller coaster ride at the moment. Mutual friends are going to the wedding to celebrate this marriage born out of adultery while I’m grieving. I also realised betrayal by friends can be devastating too.
I just pray i will have the strength to take one day at a time with dignity and grace.
I met my ex- husband when I was 36. He was 27. He seemed like a country pumpkin and nice. Oh i needed nice, not cool. I thought i was making thre sensible decision finally. Not worrying about how worldly he was. As long as he was good to me and my 8 year old son. I ended up really adoring this guy. He made me feel save. He was good with my son, at first. 12 years into it (we got married after being together 6 years). I felt like if we just would spend more time together. Then what’s good, could be great. After having that gut feeling. I investigated and found multiple affairs. We are divorced now, after trying to work thru it several times. 2 years of letting go, you know.
Now her is with somebody half my age and I’m 52. I do feel like the walking dead. No hope. And I’m desperately am trying to change my outlook. When i was younger i seemed to be able to do that.
I don’t have family or friends. Just go to work and thru the motions.
Hi Maria-
I had a very similar experience happen to me. I was curious.. since this was a few years ago for you, how are you doing now? Does it get any better? I’m hopeful that it does… it’s crazy how similar so many of these stories are… mine left me after 27 years of marriage for someone younger than our daughter… they just had twins!! How nice… vomit. Fingers crossed you are doing better now- take care.
Maria, I know this reply is well after you left the message but I just read it. To an outsider what you describe sounds absolutely ridiculous and pathetic, although I understand that for you it is extremely painful. I am 51, divorced for a few years, and nothing sounds more horrible than starting over with a baby spouse and actual baby. I am so much enjoying my freedom, empty nest and involvement with a loving mature man also in his 50s. Do not despair, there is so much out there to explore I promise. I am not minimizing your pain and anger, just want to share a story of hope.
Hi, my ex left me a year ago for a family member. He walked out on our family to start another family. They are getting married this month. He has not talked to me since he walked out the door. I was doing better, but now that the wedding is near, it’s like my grief is starting over. Feel so broken again. Is this normal to feel this way all over again? We were married 15 years.
Maria,
I m in the same situation like you. My ex found a young Vietnamese girl as young as our daughter. He is spending on her without thinking of the consequences. How am I going to compete with a sexy n young girl. So I decided to leave. I don’t know whether I will be ok or not but I have to try to live on. No point staying on..
It’s toxic.
Never give up. Go ahead and let them have their weak little pathetic lives. You deserve someone and something better. Just keep asking yourself every day, “What can I do today to get closer to the life I desire?” Then do something positive to move in the right direction. Just remember this:”If he is dumb enough to leave. We have to be smart enough to let him go.” Remember that your life can be better than you can even imagine because you can make it so!
Interested in women’s relationship with divorce lawyers, especially communications, time frames and costs. After 40+ years of marriage I don’t know anyone who’s gone through divorce at this stage. Am I being treated fairly?
I got divorced after 40 years. I was 70 years old.
I was divorced after 33 years ….. but we’re a lot younger at 70 than people used to be. If you get and keep yourself in shape, you have lots of great years left. I was definitely not going to let one dumb person destroy me or define my future. Getting help will help you create the future you deserve!
A lot of what Chris expressed resonates with me as well. I’m also a male who just turned 50, and i’m still married but I feel divorce is imminent. Wife loses temper with all of us (we have 2 school aged kids) every few days, we havent had sex for 8 years (we’ve been married for 16 years), she doesnt work. I try to keep it together ( tolerating verbal abuse, though not always) for the sake of the kids, as we are not rich and a divorce would ruin all of us financially. I try talking to her about her anger issues but she gets defensive and starts verbally attacking me again. She has started to forget things she had said and blames me for most things that goes wrong. I work fulltime and do more than my fair share of the house chores. When i turned 50, she didnt get me anything, no card, no sex, no gift. I am disappointed but i go on living positively. One day perhaps life will get better.
Why are you putting up with this selfish abusive relationship? It sounds awful. You need to change something, and she needs to grow up and get a job. I would give her an ultimatum. (I am 54yr old mother of 3 adult children and I couldn’t countenance not paying my way)
Excellent article ! Covers all issues and good advise towards not just surviving mid life divorce, but flourishing . So relevant ! Thank you once again !
Love this article and all of the others women’s comments! I was married 43 years and 63 years old when he just left for a younger women! I could never afford to take Susie’s class, but I have followed all her blogs and they always help me, even still today! It’s taken me over 6 years to work through all of my feelings , sadness, anger, etc!
Thank you Susie for all your help❣️
My husband of 32 years at the time did not leave for another woman but he told me he felt cheated out of the last 30 years of his life, he said it was always about me and the kids. He was a wonderful husband and father but became resentful of being so. He had actually been preparing to leave for about a year before he did. Setting it up so that I was the bad guy. All the while I was there for him knowing he was going through something, holding him, kissing him, making love to him. I basically helped him through his process of leaving me.
I think this is what has happened tonme but im in great denial.. we had everything such a lovly lovly llife then he just left leaving me with some horrendous things to copr with alone
Debbie, my experience was similar, except he had been preparing for several years. While I supported him, he was online making new “friends” and building the new life he wanted. He denies there was ever anyone else, but too many details and years of lying make me believe he just didn’t want to look like the bad guy. I hope you’re healing and doing better. Every day is a struggle, but some days are better than others.
My husband of 23 years had and affair while I was fighting breast cancer then left me for her. I am soon to be 52, have not worked outside the home in a decade. My divorce was final 3 mo the ago and I got the house but hVe yo sell it. I never had to worry about money and now am completely wiped out .( he unloaded our accounts before he left ). I feel alone, scared and unloveable. I tried match but they all seem to want a younger slender professional woman and I am older curvy and had lived my life for my husband and children . This has ruined my life and he is living with his girlfriend happy as can be. This is the first time I have ever been alone and it is to much to bear.
Hang in there Connie, it must be such a shock after your illness and being together for so long. Here’s a virtual hug and a hope that you will find an opportunity to do some things that you want to do even if you have to sell your home. Work is hard to come by but once you find something the routine of going in and being around other people can be really comforting. It isn’t you, it’s him, honest.
Hi Connie
I don’t know if you will get my message after nearly six months, but I am hoping that life is gradually unravelling for you in a more positive way.
I am 55 and it has been over 3.5 years since my husband said he wanted to live alone and recently, I have learnt that he would have walked away, leaving me with all the bills for the home, when I have only just managed to get back out to work on a very low income. Fortunately, his solicitor informed him that he would still have to pay the bills, otherwise I would have been in real trouble. (English law).
I think time helps you, so hopefully you are beginning to feel stronger. Once the crying is over, I think you can start to distance yourself and instead of focusing on your lost partner, you start to focus on your survival … truly, this is a time for positive change. Try and make sure that you only make considered decisions and avoid doing anything rash. Marriage is full of compromise and I am now thinking about what I want to do that I always felt I couldn’t do and … I’m jolly well going to do them now!
We are all different but one thing is certain … life does go on (whether we like it or not) and we will survive. What we don’t always realise is that we have some control over the shape that survival takes … aim for the best possible shape!!
I have probably got to work until I retire now, having spent over 20 years working from home. The prospect terrified me initially but now I am trying to get into the art world … something I would never have considered if I had remained married.
This has been a long message but … my wish for you is that you recall some of the humdrum that often comes with marriage and vow to replace that with vibrancy and vitality. This is your life … make it amazing!!
Good luck girly!
Oh, Connie. That is heartbreaking. No-one should be treated that way. Big hug.
Hi Connie, I’m so, so sorry this has happened to you. If you need a friend to talk to, please reach out to me! I am going through divorce after 38:years of martiage.
Why don’t you both join us (and a whole tribe) of other RADiCAL women in our MDRcommunity which is part of the MasterPlan program offered at midlifedivorcerecovery.com It’s full of women who are all going through divorce helping and encouraging each other to their best life moving forward.
What gets me is not the divorce but the fact that as a divorcee even one’s closest friends tend to demote you socially and stop inviting you to dinner and stuff like that, instead it’s supper with the kids, lunch or coffee.
Yep, I can definitely relate to this. I feel like a pariah.
This group sounds like something I seriously could use in my life right now
Ladie’s the one thing we all have in common is pain. I didn’t think I saw this coming however, looking back how did I miss it. We never had children
He fulfilled his dream “Navy” as I followed. At 24 I was so in love and believed it until 1/2018 he walked in and announced he wanted a divorce. No talking or answers. It would be later I found out there was someone else. He did move out, but nothing decided in courts yet except temporary spousal support. He left like a thief in the night. It would be 1pm the next day before I knew. He still has a key to the house so legally he can barge in at anytime. Legally owning half of the house, that’s how it works in my state until final court decisions. I rarely leave as I don’t know what could happen. i.e. belongings,etc. It’s been 7 months but I still breakdown when least expected. i would pray I could give anyone an easy answer: it just doesn’t exist. Can you mend a broken, lonely heart?? Kim
I’m 57 years old…my husband stopped talking to me the last 5 months of our marriage. We’ve been married for 27 years. We’re in process of divorce but my husband wants to go to trial. I moved out a year ago. My husband hasn’t had relations with me in 10 years. I work part-time and make very little money and my husband feels he shouldn’t have to give me anything. Thank goodness for temporary spousal support. I still live him very much!!! How do you get through this unbearable pain?
This is true for men also. I treated my life like a princess. I would rub her feet at night, do the dishes etc and helped her with kids from a previous marriage. I also kept myself in shape. She left because she said she couldn’t talk to me, our female marriage counselor informed me that it was because my wife couldn’t communicate with most people.My ex tried to put all the blame on me and wouldn’t take any responsibility. Trying to deal
I hope things of gotten better for you. I am only in seven days to being told she wants to find somebody she is more compatible with. Busted my ass for 30 years. Never cheated. Made something of myself in the entertainment business. I fully supported every single one of her dreams. And now she’s leaving me We have a 15-year-old son that is going through hell and is building up so much anger for her and yet, is torn apart between his been just casted by her actions and his love for his mother. It’s fucking killing me. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and I am counting the days until she moves out. I think that is the only time I will be able to start healing.
I am 59 years old. I will be 60 next month. I filed for a divorce in Jan. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating for 12 years of our 28 year marriage with the same woman. The marriage has been over for a while. I filed for divorce 10 years ago with suspicion of infidelity. No prof, but i new in my gut that it was happening. Little did I know it was with this same woman. I had one son in college at the time from a previous marriage that my husband adopted. My husband did not help financially with him at all during his college years. I knew that I would not be able to financially assist my son if I got a divorce. I .also have one son with him. My husband did do right by that son. They are both educated, employed and moved out of the house. I am fighting depression, but I am much better than I was. I have a good support system. I too have been the 5th wheel. It hurts me to not be a part of the couple life that I have been so used to. Part of me looks forward to “My Next Life” as I call it. But I am angry and hurt by this man that promised to grow old with me. I can’t bear to look at him. Tired of the “Why me/” “What will People think?” “What about my future?” I will be sooo glad when the divorce is final. Looking forward to living my best life in my 60’s. My faith is stronger than my fear,.For all of the ladies out there, Let this be your moto. WE WILL SURVIDE..
This article was good to read. I recently this week asked my husband for divorce due to his lying about alcohol drinking, and verbal abuse. Been married 28 years I have dealt with this off and on through our marriage. I feel unhappy and deserve better for myself. I recently left my job and able to start a new career being I’m 50. I feel this will give me a new start in life where I can focus on myself. I feel down about leaving my husband after being with him for so long. Sometimes you have to let someone go you love.
Did anyone else or “does” anyone else just want the whole world to STOP and acknowledge the pain inside your chest????? I’m very thankful that I found this website. After reading all the comments, I now know there are others that are dealing or have dealt with the pain. Right now I’m in the unbearable stage. I don’t want to close my eyes………I’m not sure why but I hate going to sleep. It would have been 30 yrs in April. I take the blame for 50% of our problems. He has been telling me for some time now what he needs from me and I did not return. I have issues from my past that keeps me showing my love for him (which is very very very deep)…I just cant get it out of my mouth. This also included the bedroom……..total silence. I’m in counceling now to work on myself and hopefully get to the root of my brick wall around me. I am scared…….the thought of being without him crumbles me…….some parts of a day may be ok the other parts or maybe the entire day is shambles and I literally gasp for air crying all day long. It’s been a month……..and I just want to curl up in a ball and sit in the corner where no one can see me.
Same.
Jana, your story has touched me deeply, as mine is so similar. After 23 years, he eventually got tired of begging for the physical affection that I didn’t know how to give. The love was always in my heart though.
Same here too! He is now living with his secretary, who I thought was my friend! She is 14 years younger than him. We were married 25years! It’s so hard because he is acting so happy and out and about with her. He feels no shame or embarrassment! On the other hand I feel so isolated and that sick to my stomach feeling, Lonely, & terrified, embarrassed, i am praying for God’s vengeance on him.
I am in a somewhat different situation in that I am a single mom of 55 with a school-age daughter. After many years of trying to conceive and deciding that parenting was more important than biology, we adopted my daughter as a baby when I was 47 and my ex was 41 — we’d been married 14 years at the time. We hadn’t had a perfect marriage, but I thought we were committed to each other, and after the baby came along, things were good. But when she started to walk and talk and had a mind of her own and didn’t just fall in line (the way he expected everyone and everything in his life to do), he couldn’t handle it. We argued about discipline all the time — he was so much harsher than I was. But I never expected him, two years ago — *while we were on our family vacation in Disneyland!!!* — to announce that he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. My mother was living with us at the time, and I think he wanted to get away from her, too, even though she treated him better than his own mother ever did. Anyway, after 21 years of marriage, I’m now divorced, with an 8-year-old daughter at Catholic school (which he now refuses to help pay for), and he is living in another state with his girlfriend, whom he met on a business trip, and her son… who’s exactly our daughter’s age. If it were up to me, neither of us would ever have to have anything to do with him again, but I had to agree to visitation. My mother has since passed away, and I have no other family living nearby — between work, taking care of my daughter and all her activities, and mourning my mom, I am feeling overwhelmed. I would like to meet someone, but the thought of trying to date is paralyzing — I’m not even sure I want to remarry, but it would be nice to have someone to do things with. It’s hard when everyone around you is part of a happy couple/family; there aren’t many single parents at my daughter’s school, and I feel on the outside of things much of the time. I don’t mind living for my daughter; I waited so long to be a mom and she’s such as joy, but I do feel like I don’t have my own life anymore. And I wonder who would even be interested in me now. Sorry for the long post — it was cathartic.
Disney world! Well, he sure sounds like he wasn’t a keeper. Though I know that doesn’t help. Getting “over” love is so hard. I’m going through a similar emotion around dating. (Ex has new GF and he’s “excited”… ) I have trouble believing anyone will love me, at 54. I feel ancient and I cannot conjure hope.
Hi, Tricia – my ex husband is much younger than me (when we met I was 43 and he was 21, now I am 57 and he is almost 35). After 12 years together (August 2017) he texted me that he didn’t want to be married anymore because he was getting older and needed to live life on his own to prove he could do it (he worked very little while we were together – some part time work but I was the bread winner – he also started drinking daily in 2010 and it has steadily increased to a malt liquor at 8:45 a.m. on his days off – continuing all day. The whole time we were together, every couple of years he would announce that he wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore and that I needed to come up with something to spice it up…like a threesome…and while we had a lot of good times, he was very controlling and verbally abusive and also a very depressing and negative person in general. I felt from the start that he had so much potential and that he was so much more than he thought or anyone gave him credit for. He had terrible parents, his mother is an alcoholic, his father worked all the time. Anyway – I have continued to give him cash, help his pay bills, make deposits, etc. in the 18 months since our divorce. During that time he has had three “girlfriends” and has slept with at least a few others. He seemed to be very happy and “in love” with the last one who actually seemed like a really nice person – but she broke up with him after three months and while he was sad about it, he was back on the dating site a week later and is already having daily “dates” with another girl. A – I do not want to be back in a relationship with him. We did not have a lot of common interests, and I put mine aside for his. B – I don’t really want to be in another relationship. I feel old and fat and the thought of being naked around anyone new is horrible to me. And besides the sex aspect, my marriage and my 5 year relationship before that both ended badly and by the other person and I have no desire to be rejected again. I am much “better off” than my ex. I own a home, have a nice car, a very stressful but great job with wonderful colleagues…but his being with these other people makes me physically ill. My doctor has increased the dosage of my meds and sometimes I am okay, but other times I cry uncontrollably and just want to sleep or lose myself in the world of a book or movie. Why does this hurt me so much. Part of me just wants to scream and hit him like a crazy person…because I feel like a crazy person. How does he prefer what he has now to our life together. Why do I miss him so much I feel panicky, but when I am around him, he acts just like himself and says awful negative things (calls women bitches, calls his roommate moron, etc) and I wonder why I am even there. But I just can’t let go. I hate being like this. I hate being old. Sometimes I wish I would just not wake up, but that would make my mother so sad and I love her more than anything (we live together which is great – and not great. Spending the majority of your time with someone who is 80, even if they are wonderful and a super cool 80, makes you abundantly aware of time.) Why am I like this? I am a smart person and people at my job and in my life respect me. But I have no respect for myself and feel ashamed and ugly and worthless a lot of the time. I am sorry for this post – I needed to say it other than by sobbing to my dog and cat. I want to love all of us and make us all know we are better than this (and really believe that in my heart.) Thank you for being out there.
My husband of 38 years left me three weeks ago and I am devastated. I can’t sleep or eat and I feel like I can’t go on because the pain is so bad. He’s been seeing someone for a while but he’s known her for years apparently. I’m angry and upset and terrified of how I am going to get through this. I’m 57 and I feel like my life has ended. All the plans we made were just a lie on his behalf. Two weeks before he left he decided to knock down the back of the house intended to re model kitchen, so I now have to secure that alongside trying to find out what I am entitled to from him? My daughter lives in the house and she’s being very supportive but my son and his wife have told me that I have to cheer up and get on with it otherwise I can’t be around my granddaughter. I’m so very upset and don’t know how I will get through the rest of my life alone
Jan I’m really sorry to hear that your son and daughter in law are not being supportive. I don’t think people fully understand you don’t just get over that length of time together after 3 weeks!
At the moment you need to take each day at a time. Therapy is also beneficial, I would also suggest you book an appointment ‘re legal advice.
You will get through this.
Jan, this was left this a year and a half ago, but here’s my take. You are far more important than any man on this globe of ours. I’ve left a response just to vent a bit on my own behalf; but you need to realize that this isn’t the end for you. I have made the decision to leave my wife for a couple specific reasons and I am here just to see how women cope (because I do believe most men in my situation do feel like heels). I want the best for my wife and I truly think that you can move on and flourish in a “new you”. Most of us are set in our own specific ways–which is devilish when continuing on the same path. I suggest getting out of your comfort zone and changing it up a bit. Do you do the same things every day/week? Even changing the day of the week you go shopping can cause a change in perception. How about not doing your wash/laundry at home…once a month to the the laundromat and wash one or two loads of laundry there. I don’t know, I’m just thinking…but remember this: you are the most important person in the world, Jan. You need to believe that otherwise no one else will. Ron
Ive just been reading all the comments and just crying. My husnabd just told me he wants to end our marriage after 32 years….he is in live with someone else. Im not copingg as it just came out of the blu and we just had a great holiday on fiji…
Memorial Day weekend in 2005, my partner of 5 years told me they didn’t see a future with me and had met someone from another state on the internet and wanted to break up. We owned a house together and literally the day before it happened, I had written a blog post about how wonderful my life was and how happy I was…which was subsequently mocked by the person I was being left for. I am still not coping and I have had a subsequent marriage. I am giving you a hug and telling you what I tell myself which is we deserve better.
For all of you have been going through this, please don’t lose hope. I have been there as well. After 32 years of marriage he came home from a business trip, said he didn’t love me, immediately left off Mexico, married and left our children as well. I was in shock, this man who called every day telling me how me loved me became angry, blaming me for his life. Several days later not moving I divided all of my pills, made 2 lists, one of all the things he was demanding from me and one of reasons not to stay a live. I spent an overnight in the hospital and lied to get out. I then was diagnosed with chrohns and have spent 6 years getting to a better place. I had to sell my house an d eat with the fallout that my ex had took all the money and left me extremely in debt. I have come very far. From all of this I have learned to be a stronger woman who now knows who I am and what I want in life, something that may never have happened if I was married I am sorry to say. It has not been easy especially in the beginning where it took everything to make it through the day. It has taken time, support from others and learning how to care for myself and a determination to finally not let this person destroy me. Please know it can be done. It is not fair and I still believe in karma. It is never too late even though I still get anxious about the future, I remind myself how far I have come from that woman sitting on the sofa dividing my pills.
20 years. He left. I lived. Upon reflection I realize we wanted different lives. I wanted the southern values of church, our kids, family outings, dinners with friends, and romantic hand holding with Movie cuddles.
When asked by the councillor what he wanted he stated, to be the best salesman I can be so I am admired by all others. Yikes. He was never home, out with clients, never an interest in our kids, and acted like I was his mother in shirking responsibilities. The point is, he stood up at dinner one night and said he didn’t need me or our kids, house, or life together. I stood in the kitchen and looked at my crying teens. I took a deep breath and stated, “As long as there is breath in my body you and I will be just fine”. I reminded them daily it was dad’s issues and not our fault. Three years later he is drunk, broke, in broken relationships, and wants to come home. I have grown to love a coworker and taking it slow. Our teens are in college. Be strong. Be brave. Cry. Then go fix your darn hair. Look pretty as possible and love yourself.
Awesome comment, Susan!
My spouse had an affair before we were married. We were living together. I forgave him and tried to move on, but the other woman keep calling me and him. It effect me because of all that happened. When that finally stopped I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and always felt horrible, no energy and everything else that comes with it. He didn’t understand and didn’t care to understand what was happening to me and my body. Again in 2017 he had an affair, but this time with my cousin. Which she does care who she sleeps with. They just have to be married and she ready and willing. I tried again to forgive for our child sake, but I made a big mistake by doing that. Now it was all my fault for what he did and it was up to me to fix our marriage. I needed to be more loving, loose weight, look better, give him what he wanted. I couldn’t do it, so he left, and know the house, bills, debt is all my problem, not his. He doesnt care if I cant pay the house, or make the needed repairs to sale it. It’s my problem, figure it out! He’s not worried about or anything we had together. And he doesnt have to help with any of it.. I was ready for him to leave, but not ready financially. I only make $829.00 every two weeks. And every time I wanted to try to get a better paying job he would so no. You need this job because they work with you when out child needed me. Because he could take off from work to take care of him, but I could because I didn’t make as much as him. So my job wasn’t that important. I’m relieved, but scared. I dont know what to do!!, I’ve been looking for a second job, but it’s hard finding one at my age. Sorry, this is all over the place.
I love that two times you said you were relieved! So- good riddance to him. You get to choose what kind of jobs you take now. Good luck with everything. You can do it.
Thanks for this article. I’m coming at this from a different angle — I’m a wife in my mid-30s who is considering a divorce in my early 50s due to a sexless marriage that my husband does not want to address. I’m waiting because we have very young children. I married late and was single until I was nearly 30, so I’m not afraid of being single again as I’m used to it. I don’t ever want to get married again, but when I come out the other side of this, I wouldn’t mind a boyfriend.
I am not divorced yet, but I know it is coming. We have been married for over 20 years and our youngest child is 10. My DH is military and gone quite often. Over the last 6 years, there have been weeks where he has not spoken a word to me. RIght now he has not talked to me in two weeks and left for a deployment without saying goodbye. I am mid 50s and have not worked outside of the home in over 12 years and have no marketable skills. Besides all of this, I love my husband. This all seems so crazy to me. WTH is wrong with him? My day is spent wondering if I should pack up the house, learn a skill, clean out the bank account, reading my Bible, praying, crying, cleaning… I am all over the place. Selling off furniture, stripping, sanding and painting other pieces of furniture. I need some balance, not this drama. My hair is falling out and my skin is breaking out. I feel and look like a hormonal teenager!
Hi Janet, Unfortunately most of us on this site are here because we’ve been through what you are going through now. I would suggest signing up for the 10 week crash course. There’s lots of info in there to help you deal with the anguish and confusing emotions of divorce. Good luck. https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/divorce-recovery-crash-course/
What about a man me. My wife is leaving me after 21 years. What do I do, how can I go on.
I don’t see any replies to your question, Mark…what’s up ladies? Can’t help a guy out?
Looks like this was a post from last May. I don’t see any response, and that’s unfortunate. The community is largely women and sadly it is more difficult to respond to the male experience when you cannot relate to it. In fact, the activity of more men who are joining us will improve that especially once our MENS PROGRAM is launched. We are actively putting that together now, as the stories that we’re hearing from men have significantly increased. To that end, much of the grieving, healing, and recovery after the shock of her leaving is much the same for men as it is for women. Our research will make a strong and helpful program, so we will let you know once it is done. Meanwhile, please don’t be upset with our ladies.
You’re right Ronald , doesn’t matter who gets left man or women it’s devastating. I find it’s not a gender issue but a nice issue. Whoever was nicer gets screwed
Thanks for the tip to get enough sleep. My wife’s uncle just found out his wife has been cheating on him. We’re trying to help him get through this difficult time while he looks for a family attorney.
Wow… thought I was the unlucky one… wasteband of 10 years leaving me..after I helped him with his business, and I m also the only friend who doesn’t screw him up… he is 15 years younger . Had an affair before he found the guts to tell me he has someone else, during our annual holidays. No matter how he tried to tell me how much he loves me… and that it’s his problem due to biological clock… it’s just basically he wanted a younger model. Never mind she already had a kid and probably has plans for him and his money.. I m still trying to recover from the betrayal and the sense of unreality.. doesn’t matter if his family and friends all like me better, and I m better looking, smarter and treated him nicer than anyone else..just what kind of awful features do all these heartless things?
First of all thank you for this article.
After 29 years of marriage, being together 31 years. He screams at me that i am a moocher, living in the home for free and he is tired of paying all the bills. NOTE: I raised both kids (now 27 and 20), He works out of state so all the response is on me. I am paying (he not contribute a dime) towards the youngest one’s college tuition (out of state). Oh did I forget that i work two jobs.
I never in my life thought turning 50 would be like this.
2020 means clarity.
Must be the no 50… it scares the men. I m also turning 50..and the love of life, well used to be love, is throwing me out of his life..
2020 does mean clarity! Hang in there! I seem to have perfect vision this year all if a sudden!
Being 65 years old single and alone is the worst for me, especially when i was married once before my Ex Wife cheated on me which i was the real faithful one too.
Be proud of the fact you were faithful as character is important to have. My soon to be ex has no character or morals! I found out he is a gay man! How long he has been hiding this secret, I have no idea? I discovered it a year ago. Absolutely heartbreaking! God is getting me through this divorce ! Hang in there and ask God to take the wheel if your life because he will.
Having the same issue, husband of 33 years in midlife crisis. Caught him sexting another woman. He was remorseful at first but how now he has turned nasty saying it was my fault. Now says he doesn’t love me and we are on the brink of divorce! although he still tries to have sex with me.
My heart is breaking and I’m so stressed. I’ve lost 7kg in the space on 5 weeks. How do you get through this time in your life without crumbling!
mine to was doing a lot I found out after, but i was not a angel when we were younger but thought we had moved on, obviously not because he stated he was paying me back. I feel hopeless I just push thru every day! I am finding it nice to sit when I want and not cook dinner and clean but starting to get to comfy with that I dont go any where any more! my friends are married and baby sit me by phone calls but never do much other than that. I gained my divorced weight back plus some so I joined weight watchers and down 10 pounds but loosing weight really brings out the wrinkles….lol dont care just want to live a long healthy life for my boys…. so I can watch them grow up… hang in there breath cry all you want!!! I used to cry every day when I left work crazy!! And just putting this in this message has me tearing up…
At the age of 56 he left after our pride and joy son went off to college, left me with our 19yr old drug addict who was out of control and night after night I feared what might happen until i put him in jail then rehab. With a house to sell on top of it, I had not worked since I had breast cancer in 2010 which he said he only stayed with me because of that….. I have no family except my older son who lives 9 hours away he is 38. I am so alone but surviving got a good job co-managing a Garden Center 5 minutes from my new dwelling which is in the same town and 1/4 mile from the home I sold, my college son transferred back to a great college here and lives with me and my drug addict is home and off the pills but acts like he 15 and does not help me financially. My Ex pays a good amount of alimony or I would of ended up homeless. He also is with a millionaire who left her husband for mine and they built a huge home right down the street from my work. It never ends….. I hate being alone but no desire to date after all scared up after breast cancer what to do? I am 57 now and wish I could not work and enjoy my life thats left…. just lonely….
Why do you wish you didn’t have to work?
Let me tell you a story: A 51 year old-man steps out of a hot tub and enters the bathroom…basically falls to the floor and has trouble breathing. He actually might think this is the end for him. I mean a, “I can’t believe this is how I’m going to die”, episode–so much so that he begs his wife to call 911. She doesn’t call…and doesn’t immediately enter the room to see exactly what is going on. What all of you don’t understand is that there are reasons for why men (or women) sometimes leave their spouses. In this particular case the man (we’ll call him, Me) finally felt as if his 30 year meaningless marriage would be better suited for someone a bit more compassionate. I do have to say that, Me, does feel ashamed for what he has done, but isn’t it time for Me to live for himself?
Absolutely Ronald Ray. Neglect, abuse, maltreatment happens to men too from their wives. You are absolutely right to feel that the time has come to make new choices and to live a life for yourself if your wife was leaving you on the bathroom floor like that for no good reason, except that she is mean and wishing you gone. I see you survived. Did you get medical assistance? Did she have any explanation?
you know some times or really almost always, its best to hear both sides of a story. Ive had my ex-husband tell his side and to be honest, it sounds bad without hearing the full story. you can make the other person seem pretty awful and cold hearted when your side of the story is the only side being heard.
I will be 60 this year. My x was a great guy. I love him still. He is in love with another woman and there isnt a thing that I can do or really want to do, about it. This is his life. He gets to make a choice. I hurt. People suck!!
I made mistakes and he made mistakes. He has a problem being honest. I have a problem being lied to . The marriage , for me, became a constant hide and seek , except he was hiding stuff and i was going crazy trying to find stuff. He felt like i no longer appriciated him or felt excited about him and i felt out of control and paranoid. When he said enough, he was already seeing someone he met on line. I actually seen the person on line, I said, babe who is this a picture of? She’s really pretty. Of course a fast lie covered it.
I mean look. this is common. The real problem is that we all fall for the biggest lie of all, that people love each other , respect each other and stay comitted.
Why on earth would you want to be with another man!! Geez wasnt most of your life enough? I think being lonely has got to be better than being with another person. Again, people suck!!
Who knew that after wanting a divorce because of the lack of respect, competition, emotionally draining, always being put last, crushing of my career. I made 5- 6 figures as an entertainer prior to meeting him. I stayed as long as I could for our son. But was depressed and suicidal prior to wanting a divorce.
If someone had told me of the custody horror that awaited me, the missing of my very young son when he is with his father and surprise surprise his new wife who is a little bit younger than me about 8 years. I have grieved And raged off and on for four years.
Its so easy for him,
What about me?
What about my sacrifice,
Suddenly an epiphany.
1) I restarted my career slowly but surely
2) I do not have to put up with his degradation , his constant need for attention and him telling me every thought or desire is wrong.
3) I have a wonderful relationship with my son.
4) I have the most amazing friends.
I kept the house I paid for it and though he tried to take it. I made sure he didn’t get it.
The only time I waver is when I think I won’t find anybody else.
However I made sure I had reestablished myself FIRST.
It took time and too much WINE. But my only regret is that I GAVE him so much time and sacrificed my career for him thinking that later when our son was older it would ne my turn.
There was NO LATER after just under ten years of marriage. It was all over.
I no longer speak to him.
He still tries. Still wants to appear a good guy. Still wants to take me out when his wife is away. Still wants to have his cake and eat it.
I never thought I would EVER say this. I am extremely grateful to his wife. She ultimately gave me my freedom. He is a classic narcissist so love bombs then devalues.
I am free. I pray for everyone on here. WE ARE WORTH BETTER!
…I am a man in his late 50’s and have read through these blogs with interest. I wanted to give my perspective which may help some women understand why men make such life changing decisions that effect so many other people. I was married for 32 years, and we had many great times, and 3 amazing children. As the kids grew into adults, it became clear that the emotion was going out of our marriage, we had slipped into ‘routine’ even an ‘I love you’ comment seem to have become routine and sex had basically disappeared. In short, we had grown apart. After being together for so long, everything about your life has been built together, friends, family, special occasions, birthdays, Christmas etc…and men being men, we do not tend to say how we truly feel as that would take emotional balls, and most men don’t have these as it would not be ‘men like’ to expose this side. I left my wife in the end for a younger more exciting relationship. Everyone told me it would not work and it was just sex. A year later, they have all proved to be right, and the signs were there from day 1 , we were different people who wanted didn’t things at that stage in our lives. However, what she did do, was give me a reason for leaving my wife, albeit a cowardly way of doing it. I now find myself starting again, the divorce has been settled amicably, and we are both moving forward on our own. However, I find myself looking back and regretting not acting on my feelings at various times in our marriage. I am sure if we had worked on the issues we would have survived, and I do regret that. I have apologised to my ex wife, and her direct family for how I left, I cannot change it, but I can apologies. Most men are useless on their own, they will never admit it, but trust me we are. We regret making such snap decisions and again, would never admit it as it is not the man thing to do. I was raised to respect woman and treat them right. I have done that 99.9% of the time, but when it really mattered I let myself and so many other people down. I like many men, have read a lot of online articles and blogs about why things go wrong and how to move on. There will always be regrets no matter how happy you are, what you do next is what matters. It would be great if there was more emotional help during marriages as they take constant working on, I see in the US and now the U.K. people have date nights. This is good, but not enough…emotionally most men are withdrawn and will not tell their other half how they are truly feeling, this is what needs to be addressed before any divorce decisions are made. It’s too late at this point. Anyway, good luck to everyone who is starting again, men and women…it’s not easy for all of us no matter how we got here. Blogs like this do help, so keep up the good work everyone.
Finally, the voice of reason and understanding. I applaud you, Mark Shettle, for finally speaking your mind. Marriage is a two-way street and it takes the efforts of the husband and the wife to make it successful. You are right, I do believe if men, understood that “emotions” are a part of life and that they are not just “drama”, more marriages and relationships would endure more of life’s ups and downs. More couples would and could enjoy life, together.
My ex-husband left me after 28 years, for his coworker. He actually left me on my 50th birthday, the day I discovered his affair. She was not younger, or thinner and in my opinion, not cuter, non-the-less, she won him over with sex and the excitement of just being someone “new”.
I agree with everyone on here, it is very difficult to find “date-able” men when we are in our 50s. All the men in their 50s want younger women. What they don’t realize is, these younger women come at a price.
I think we are all wasting precious moments by not appreciating the women and men that right in front of us, because everyone is waiting for someone younger and more attractive. That ship has sailed ! I think the most attractive person is one who is genuinely comfortable in their own skin.
We just need to all take a GOOD, LONG look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “would I want me?” I am going to be 57 years old, on August 9 and I most certainly would want me !!
I am 59 years old & recently went through a contentious divorce. He is 8 years younger. When we met I had a nursing career & 2 very young children. Needless to say, I helped him while he was getting his doctorate in law, MBA, & building his career. After a few years of marriage, we had a child born with an intellectual disability. When she was 3 years old we decided I would stop working & stay home to care for her. I must admit now that I always felt like something was wrong with him emotionally. Nothing seemed to phase him. Even when our daughter was born I remember asking myself “what the hell is wrong with this man?”. At first, he was nice & giving to my children but he never was their “dad”. He didn’t seem to know how to be a parent. He always told me I was a good mother & knew what was best & agreed with any decisions I made. He was never involved in their lives. He did not attend one school event, doctor’s appointment, teacher conference, etc. The only things that moved him were sports, expensive watches, travel, expensive cars, and work. When I talked about any of those subjects he was pleased with me. He always needed to be praised over & over again. Then when my older children became teenagers he started distancing himself. He couldn’t handle those difficult years. He would go through a lot of the motions but he was very uncomfortable or mentally not there. I was always there for him especially helping with his career. I was his trophy wife! We had a high standard of living & didn’t want for anything. I became very busy caring for our disabled daughter & stopped traveling with him. I admit I wasn’t involved with his work as much as before but he always talked to me about what he was doing work-wise. He was always at work & traveled a lot. When he came home he would eat alone. He would literally go out to the patio instead of sitting at the table with us. He started alienating himself from us. Then one day he had an argument with my oldest & hit her in the face. I wasn’t home but when she called me I, of course, called the police. Nothing happened because he had already left the house. We separated for a few months & I served him with divorce papers. We separated for a few months & after he promised to get counseling we reconciled. Later I figure out this is when he begins preparing for whatever comes later. He pretends everything is good although he never kept his promise. Anyway, this is when he starts moving assets & hiding things from me. Slowly he takes our joint credit cards, separates anything we have jointly with the multitude of excuses & lies he invents. By this time we sold a house we owned & rented every place we lived in. He dragged me along for years pretending he was still invested in our marriage. Even when I questioned him if he was having an affair, he would deny it & tell me he was happy. I knew we no longer had a conventional marriage because married couples don’t live the way we were living but he kept pretending & I kept suspecting. In 2011 my middle daughter died. He was oot for work & came home for the funeral then left the next day with the lie that he had to work. He had dragged me along with all his lies for far too long. Finally, a few years later I got the courage to listen to his phone conversations when he was home. He left me no choice he never told the truth. He literally lies even when he doesn’t have to. I needed to know the truth. Even though I suspected, I was devastated to hear what he was saying about me & the children to his “girlfriend”. I found out he was living this double life with her even though she was also married. He had homes in NYC, London, Miami & of course, our home. He controlled all our finances & refused to tell me anything. I listened to his toxic conversations for 3 years while I decided what to do, who to hire etc. He made up story after story to her making him look like a victim. Telling her things like I made him sleep on the bathroom floor & I was a drunk, drug addict & couldn’t even lift my head because I was always so out of it. He is living in his own made-up world. How she thought I was caring for our disabled child in this condition makes me question her own intentions. Why would he leave our daughter in my hands if I was such a mess? Anyway, listening to all his toxic crap wasn’t healthy so I finally asked for a divorce. I found out a lot of what he was hiding from me by listening to them & made notes for 3 years. I thought this would help me. I was wrong. He had the finances & he is a lawyer. He is such an evil bitter person. He wanted to hurt me no matter what or who got in his way. The lawyers tell you to take notes & try to find out as much as you can to help but none of it helped me. I didn’t have the money to keep fighting & after almost 3 years & almost a quarter of a million dollars later I am left with very little. I have no house, no credit, no savings, no retirement, no life insurance, no job, or current training. He even took guardianship of our daughter from me & arranged to have professional guardians petition the court. He only comes once a month for 2-3 days to visit our daughter & even though she remains living with me I don’t legally have any say about her needs or where she can live. We had to downsize twice during the divorce & now we have to move again because I don’t get enough alimony to pay everyone I owe & live anywhere near what we were accustomed too. All while he continues to galavant around the world with his girlfriend spending half a million a year only on extravagant expenses, not including living expenses. I also continue to live in fear that the guardians can legally take my daughter from our home & place her wherever they want whenever they want. I am just now finding out that when he would take our daughter out to eat or a movie he would meet up with his girlfriend & tell our daughter not to tell her mother. Looking back at how he treated us, his behavior, how he spoke about his colleagues, what crimes he continues to get away with & everything he said & did to me in the divorce I am pretty sure he is a covert narcissistic sociopath. Sorry about the long comment. At this time I am still so very angry. I keep trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to do with my life but it is very hard. I keep trying for my children & grandchildren but I can’t seem to figure it out yet. I am almost 60 years old & all my dreams were demolished. I wanted to spend time with my children, continue caring for my youngest who is now an adult & spend time with my grandchildren & I can’t do anything because I am financially ruined & scared. I want so much to make it on my own but I don’t know what I want to do. I seem to have many things going on & not able to focus on one. I have to save every penny I have & have to tell my daughter that the last $20 I have has to last until the 1st. Then I feel guilty because so many people live with no money. It is just that I had a career before I met this man & now I’m having to live the same way as I did when I was in college. He didn’t get where he is now by himself. I put 20 years into that marriage. So I am pissed off!
I’m going to be the “dumb man” that leaves his wife at 50. We have three children together and I love them dearly. That is why I stay. My wife is selfish, she only thinks of her own wants and needs. She never initiates sex and turns it down 90% of the time. Our lives revolve around how she feels… but she is hardly ever satisfied with where we are in life or what we have. I work constantly, every time I have a promotion she says it wasn’t high enough… our house isn’t big enough… we don’t have nice enough things… something always hurts… she is always coming down with a flu.. she is always tired.. life is so so difficult. Nothing I do helps either… in fact when I help I apparently help incorrectly because that’s not how the dishwasher should be loaded… or how the laundry should be folded… and the dinner I made was too salty….so I can actually feel myself care less and less about the million complaints she always has. I am sure she too will be as self riotous about the divorce as some of you seem to be. But I will sacrifice my own self fulfillment and accept the current relationship I have for what it is until my children are grown. Here is hoping I meet a cute secretary in my 50’s. Not to worry though, I will divorce my current wife first. I will not cheat.
So, where do I go? I’m 50 and my wife is leaving after 30 years. I’m clueless!! I have no outside contacts, friends, family except her and the kids. I’ve tried getting to hobbies I love but about 12 years ago, I had a debilitating spinal injury. I’m walking agin and such. Sex life for me isn’t the same. I’ve got a lot of things screwed up. Is sex at 50+ so important it negates 30 years and a medical injury? Fucked!
I never thought I would find myself here, in this awful, sad place. I thought we would figure it all out – that we would fight for our relationship and make sure that we protected it. I now realise that he has left our relationship (I actually think he emotionally left a while ago). We both keep saying that we don’t want it to end – to me, that means we’re staying together. But to him, it means that he doesn’t want it to end, but he also doesn’t want to stay.
After all of the things that he’s said to me in the last few days, I am now starting to think that he wants me to be the one to end the relationship. That I have to do this, in order to move on. It’s a bit of a mind f…. quite frankly. When I’ve asked him whether he wants us to end, he says “it’s ambiguous”. We don’t know. Surely after 11 years we know??
And so now, I’m scared. I have decided to become a realtor in order to generate an income in my later years. I’m going to have to pack up and move to a cheaper province where I can live mortgage free. Sounds good, but if there is no money coming in, living mortgage free still doesn’t work. This realtor thing really has to work for me, and at age 53, I’m out of options.
When I read what I’ve written here it’s quite confusing. Bottom line – I’m scared about my future prospects.
Hi Wanda, Sometimes getting help getting stronger yourself gives you some clairty about what you deserve! You don’t deserve to be in a relationship like this. One of the RADiCAL women made this comment: “Don’t make someone a priority who is making you an option.” You might try our MasterPlan program to help you decide what YOU WANT going forward yourself and see if he fits into that picture in a way that is good for YOU!
Wanda, I found it very odd reading your message as that is exactly how it happened for me, although I was in your position and my wife was the one who wanted out. Just as you said though she didn’t want to be the one to ask for the divorce (this would be her second) so she just turned off on me. She let me believe we were working on it for 2 years before I found out she had been lying to me about going away for work, so I finally had to be the one to file for the divorce (also at 53). I agree with you in that yes it is a mindf… when you thought the last 10 years were good and then you find out your spouse didn’t feel the same way.
I am going through a divorce now after being married 38 years. I caught my husband on Craigslist trying to hook up with a man! I stayed with him for a year after that episode but knew something was terribly wrong! I left the house in the beginning of September after an argument. Went to stay with mom and dad to clear my head. Was away from home 2 days and saw his text messages to someone he was hooking up with on line. He was inviting this person over to my house, offering this person to clean up in my shower etc…. they were sending pictures of themselves to one another. He had no idea who this person even was he was talking to! The picture of the other person looked like a transvestite! I had access to his text messages and he didn’t even know it! I am 57 , not ugly, believe in God and can work out if my home wherever I live. I am devastated over this but know I will be much better off! I would like to get married again as I love being married and having someone there with me everyday. I pray everyday Godvwill bring me that right someone when I am ready!
I am afraid of where my future will end up…..
Hi Sheila..I read your comment and I’m in a similar situation . It’s not another man but a woman. We’ve been married coming up on 34 years. It’s still lots of skirting around the issue but I feel as if it’s a storm that’s definitely coming. I have friends and family but really don’t want to vent to any of them. I’d be interested in talking with you about your issues and I would love to get some feedback on mine.