If our marriage has survived into our fifties, we think it should be smooth sailing after that. That’s turning out not to be the case. Sadly, more divorces are happening after 50 (often called Gray Divorces) than you might expect, affecting everything from our children, our finances, our self esteem and sometimes our very survival.
See also: Divorce After 40, Divorce After 60
At around 50 years old, many people take a fresh look at a lot of things in their lives, including marriages. This is the time men (and women) have their famous “midlife crisis.” They start asking “Is this all there is?” Read more about midlife crisis divorce.
Women are also asking questions. Mainly, “What’s happening to me?” Menopause wreaks havoc on our body, our emotions and even our libido. Our child-rearing work has possibly eased up, and our kids are needing us less. But then, our parents may be needing us more.
After children leave home, many couples face this same identity crisis. You might hear statements like, “I’ve been working all these years to take care of my family, buying the groceries, paying the mortgage, financing the braces and getting the kids off to college.” Or… “I’ve endured this abuse, addiction, lack of respect for all these years. Enough is enough.”
After 50, many seem easily susceptible to that siren song … “I want some new excitement!”
As one bright, beautiful woman recently shared with me, her husband of more than three decades told her, “I want to explore! I’ve done my part, now it’s time for me! I don’t want to be tied down!” He left with no discussion, no trying to fix things, no regard for their long years together. What kind of coward does that?!
When the man leaves the marriage for another woman, that is absolutely devastating to the woman who has invested many years of life and love into her family. A man who has a midlife affair often doesn’t have the guts to come to us and tell us what is going on in his head. They hardly ever say, “I’m not happy. I need something different,” and try to fix things in the marriage before they sneak off with their secretary or their nurse or someone they met in a bar.
If you can’t tell, I have strong opinions about that!
Coping With Divorce After 50
I’ve never really liked the sound of that phrase…”coping with divorce”… like it’s some new disease that I’ll never get rid of or something. Right off the bat I want to recognize, divorce sucks and it’s probably going to be painful for longer than you want. When I divorced in my fifties it took me longer than I care to admit to get through it. But I want to be the first to tell you, even a divorce after 50, can be just the upheaval you need to create an amazing next act in your life.
Yes, there are definitely some unique challenges as your start to get into this age range and there are key areas you’re gonna have to cope with.
Here are some of the major thoughts that ran through my head as I dealt with my divorce in my fifties.
- “What kind of life is there for me now? I’m already fifty years old!”
- “Who will want to be with me?”
- “How am I going to survive financially?”
- “This wasn’t supposed to happen to us…what happened to the perfect marriage I had dreamed of?”
On top of that, you have to deal with all the normal things that happen to all women in their fifties.
So where to start – coping with divorce after 50 usually means simply surviving at first.
You have to deal with the difficult grief period that many people don’t even recognize as “real” grief. Early on it’s a victory if you can survive from morning ‘til night without falling apart completely.
Depression And Divorce After 50
Depression usually shows up somewhere on this trip regardless of how the divorce happens. I had never taken an antidepressant in my life until my divorce when I was 53. I took one pill prescribed by my physician, and I became so physically sick that I thought to myself, “If I don’t pull myself together, he might make me take another one of those pills, and I might die!” I never took another one.
So what can you do? How do you navigate the sadness and devastation caused by this divorce.
Your first job is to take care of yourself. You must do the basics of simple self-care.
Try to get enough sleep (hard, almost impossible I know!) – My best advice, move to step 2!
Exercise! Yes even 50 year olds need to exercise. I rode my bicycle like crazy when I got divorced. I would get way out into rural areas and scream and cry as I rode. Find anything you can do to get your heart rate up and keep it up. This single handedly can improve your depression.
Eat something healthy – I personally couldn’t stomach a big meal early on, and found the best thing for me was to graze on healthy snacks all day long. A handful of nuts here, an apple there, a slice of cheese, a can of soup, or fiber-rich, high protein cereal.
Drink plenty of clear, healthy liquids. I found myself drinking a lot of fruit juices, but would dilute them by at least half with water to cut down on the sugar.
Also, make sure you’re getting out in the sun a bit every day, and doing something that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes, too.
Finally, GET HELP! Do not isolate yourself even though all you want to do, early on, is get in bed and cover your head until the pain stops. We can connect you with women from all over the country and internationally who know how you’re feeling and are feeling those same things too.
Surviving Divorce After 50: Feeling Alone
Loneliness is another big issue in divorce after 50. Many women in their fifties went to college, got married early, had children, and then just when things ease up a bit at home, our husband leaves. It was the first time I had actually ever lived alone after my husband left, and soon after, our last child left for college.
After 50, divorce makes us wonder where we fit in, and if surviving divorce after 50 is possible. Often our friends don’t want to take sides. They don’t want to interfere. We become “complicated.” We are the fifth wheel in groups of couples. And no one really gets how hard this is after most of our adult life, we were part of a couple.
That’s why one of the first things I recommend you do is connect with other women on this road. Once I found a group of women I could talk to, women who were going through the same thing…which again was much farther into the divorce than I care to admit… but once I did that I felt my recovery make turn in the right direction.
I wasn’t the only one out there. Women in their fifties and lots of them were doing things they had only dreamed of doing in their marriages. I finally felt a bit of hope!
Feeling Inadequate Or Unattractive When Your Husband Leaves
I mean no disrespect for women whose husbands have died in midlife. But I believe, and there is evidence to prove this, having a spouse die is easier to deal with emotionally than if your-still-very-much-alive husband decides you’re not fun enough or smart enough or adventurous enough or whatever, and goes looking for a younger model more suited to his new view of himself.
The cruel thing is that instead of the couple working things out together and finding new adventure together, the man looks for someone new. I’m sorry to say, there is no shortage of girlFIENDS out there. (A girlFIEND is any woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man!) Instead of the man rekindling the romance with his wife, he woos and tries to impress this sweet young thing who is usually much younger than he is, and is looking for someone to finance her life.
Often, the wife, who might also have been looking forward to the new freedom after the kids are gone, is left alone to pick up the pieces while he is getting his ego (and something else!) stroked by another woman. And most of the time, a midlife wife, no matter how much fun, bright or good looking she is, can never compete with someone much younger who makes the man feel young and sexually desirable again.
So what do you do?
The first thing I recommend is taking advantage of this opportunity to, potentially for the first time, look forward and ask…
- Who do I want to be now?
- What do I want to do now that I don’t have to worry about my ex anymore?
- What do I want to do that I never felt comfortable doing or didn’t feel able to do with my ex around?
For the first time in probably a long time, you can do really whatever you want without having to “impress someone” or make your husband feel special or for your husband.
Take advantage of this opportunity to be yourself OR figure out who you are with out the other person!
Divorce And Finances After 50
Finances are usually a huge issue during after 50 divorces. Just when you both might be looking forward to retirement and more time and money to travel and do things together, suddenly your financial security is put at risk. You may have to continue working for much longer than you planned. You usually have to leave your family home and find an apartment or downsize to a much smaller house for yourself and any children still at home.
Retirement funds are affected too. Divorce at any time is expensive. A long-drawn out battle eats up a lot of money for both parties. Some women end up with no retirement safety net at all. That’s especially true if the woman spent most of her married life staying home and taking care of the kids and things at home. And often with a new woman in his life, the ex becomes less likely to “do right by you” financially, as he promised.
There’s a ton to think about here – take a look at our article How To Get Through A Divorce Financially.
Recovery And Transformation
In the middle of all of this mess, we ask ourselves, “Will I ever get over this?” “Will I ever really be happy again?” “Is surviving divorce after 50 possible?”
The answer is yes! Absolutely!
There definitely is life after divorce at 50, but, your recovery is up to you. We have lots of ways to help, but you have to decide that you aren’t going to let one person, or this divorce, define you or destroy your future.
You definitely have grief work to do and healing work to do. But after that time of coming to grips with your new reality, you can start figuring out what comes next. And speaking from experience and from mentoring hundreds of women, your life can be amazing again – or maybe amazing for the very first time. But it’s your choice.
Get the resources, tools and services that can move you from how you’re feeling right now to creating a fun, good, adventurous life of your own. And it can be better than you can even imagine!
Let us help. Don’t waste another minute. Life is moving on. You wasband (your ex) has already moved on. You need to move on, too. We know you want to, but you don’t know where to start. We have a practical, energizing, structured system that works. Why don’t you try it out?
What gets me is not the divorce but the fact that as a divorcee even one’s closest friends tend to demote you socially and stop inviting you to dinner and stuff like that, instead it’s supper with the kids, lunch or coffee.
This group sounds like something I seriously could use in my life right now
Ladie’s the one thing we all have in common is pain. I didn’t think I saw this coming however, looking back how did I miss it. We never had children
He fulfilled his dream “Navy” as I followed. At 24 I was so in love and believed it until 1/2018 he walked in and announced he wanted a divorce. No talking or answers. It would be later I found out there was someone else. He did move out, but nothing decided in courts yet except temporary spousal support. He left like a thief in the night. It would be 1pm the next day before I knew. He still has a key to the house so legally he can barge in at anytime. Legally owning half of the house, that’s how it works in my state until final court decisions. I rarely leave as I don’t know what could happen. i.e. belongings,etc. It’s been 7 months but I still breakdown when least expected. i would pray I could give anyone an easy answer: it just doesn’t exist. Can you mend a broken, lonely heart?? Kim
I’m 57 years old…my husband stopped talking to me the last 5 months of our marriage. We’ve been married for 27 years. We’re in process of divorce but my husband wants to go to trial. I moved out a year ago. My husband hasn’t had relations with me in 10 years. I work part-time and make very little money and my husband feels he shouldn’t have to give me anything. Thank goodness for temporary spousal support. I still live him very much!!! How do you get through this unbearable pain?
This is true for men also. I treated my life like a princess. I would rub her feet at night, do the dishes etc and helped her with kids from a previous marriage. I also kept myself in shape. She left because she said she couldn’t talk to me, our female marriage counselor informed me that it was because my wife couldn’t communicate with most people.My ex tried to put all the blame on me and wouldn’t take any responsibility. Trying to deal
I am 59 years old. I will be 60 next month. I filed for a divorce in Jan. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating for 12 years of our 28 year marriage with the same woman. The marriage has been over for a while. I filed for divorce 10 years ago with suspicion of infidelity. No prof, but i new in my gut that it was happening. Little did I know it was with this same woman. I had one son in college at the time from a previous marriage that my husband adopted. My husband did not help financially with him at all during his college years. I knew that I would not be able to financially assist my son if I got a divorce. I .also have one son with him. My husband did do right by that son. They are both educated, employed and moved out of the house. I am fighting depression, but I am much better than I was. I have a good support system. I too have been the 5th wheel. It hurts me to not be a part of the couple life that I have been so used to. Part of me looks forward to “My Next Life” as I call it. But I am angry and hurt by this man that promised to grow old with me. I can’t bear to look at him. Tired of the “Why me/” “What will People think?” “What about my future?” I will be sooo glad when the divorce is final. Looking forward to living my best life in my 60’s. My faith is stronger than my fear,.For all of the ladies out there, Let this be your moto. WE WILL SURVIDE..
This article was good to read. I recently this week asked my husband for divorce due to his lying about alcohol drinking, and verbal abuse. Been married 28 years I have dealt with this off and on through our marriage. I feel unhappy and deserve better for myself. I recently left my job and able to start a new career being I’m 50. I feel this will give me a new start in life where I can focus on myself. I feel down about leaving my husband after being with him for so long. Sometimes you have to let someone go you love.
Did anyone else or “does” anyone else just want the whole world to STOP and acknowledge the pain inside your chest????? I’m very thankful that I found this website. After reading all the comments, I now know there are others that are dealing or have dealt with the pain. Right now I’m in the unbearable stage. I don’t want to close my eyes………I’m not sure why but I hate going to sleep. It would have been 30 yrs in April. I take the blame for 50% of our problems. He has been telling me for some time now what he needs from me and I did not return. I have issues from my past that keeps me showing my love for him (which is very very very deep)…I just cant get it out of my mouth. This also included the bedroom……..total silence. I’m in counceling now to work on myself and hopefully get to the root of my brick wall around me. I am scared…….the thought of being without him crumbles me…….some parts of a day may be ok the other parts or maybe the entire day is shambles and I literally gasp for air crying all day long. It’s been a month……..and I just want to curl up in a ball and sit in the corner where no one can see me.
I am in a somewhat different situation in that I am a single mom of 55 with a school-age daughter. After many years of trying to conceive and deciding that parenting was more important than biology, we adopted my daughter as a baby when I was 47 and my ex was 41 — we’d been married 14 years at the time. We hadn’t had a perfect marriage, but I thought we were committed to each other, and after the baby came along, things were good. But when she started to walk and talk and had a mind of her own and didn’t just fall in line (the way he expected everyone and everything in his life to do), he couldn’t handle it. We argued about discipline all the time — he was so much harsher than I was. But I never expected him, two years ago — *while we were on our family vacation in Disneyland!!!* — to announce that he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. My mother was living with us at the time, and I think he wanted to get away from her, too, even though she treated him better than his own mother ever did. Anyway, after 21 years of marriage, I’m now divorced, with an 8-year-old daughter at Catholic school (which he now refuses to help pay for), and he is living in another state with his girlfriend, whom he met on a business trip, and her son… who’s exactly our daughter’s age. If it were up to me, neither of us would ever have to have anything to do with him again, but I had to agree to visitation. My mother has since passed away, and I have no other family living nearby — between work, taking care of my daughter and… Read more »
My husband of 38 years left me three weeks ago and I am devastated. I can’t sleep or eat and I feel like I can’t go on because the pain is so bad. He’s been seeing someone for a while but he’s known her for years apparently. I’m angry and upset and terrified of how I am going to get through this. I’m 57 and I feel like my life has ended. All the plans we made were just a lie on his behalf. Two weeks before he left he decided to knock down the back of the house intended to re model kitchen, so I now have to secure that alongside trying to find out what I am entitled to from him? My daughter lives in the house and she’s being very supportive but my son and his wife have told me that I have to cheer up and get on with it otherwise I can’t be around my granddaughter. I’m so very upset and don’t know how I will get through the rest of my life alone