If our marriage has survived into our fifties, we think it should be smooth sailing after that. That’s turning out not to be the case. Sadly, more divorces are happening after 50 (often called Gray Divorces) than you might expect, affecting everything from our children, our finances, our self esteem and sometimes our very survival.
See also: Divorce After 40, Divorce After 60
At around 50 years old, many people take a fresh look at a lot of things in their lives, including marriages. This is the time men (and women) have their famous “midlife crisis.” They start asking “Is this all there is?” Read more about midlife crisis divorce.
Women are also asking questions. Mainly, “What’s happening to me?” Menopause wreaks havoc on our body, our emotions and even our libido. Our child-rearing work has possibly eased up, and our kids are needing us less. But then, our parents may be needing us more.
After children leave home, many couples face this same identity crisis. You might hear statements like, “I’ve been working all these years to take care of my family, buying the groceries, paying the mortgage, financing the braces and getting the kids off to college.” Or… “I’ve endured this abuse, addiction, lack of respect for all these years. Enough is enough.”
After 50, many seem easily susceptible to that siren song … “I want some new excitement!”
As one bright, beautiful woman recently shared with me, her husband of more than three decades told her, “I want to explore! I’ve done my part, now it’s time for me! I don’t want to be tied down!” He left with no discussion, no trying to fix things, no regard for their long years together. What kind of coward does that?!
When the man leaves the marriage for another woman, that is absolutely devastating to the woman who has invested many years of life and love into her family. A man who has a midlife affair often doesn’t have the guts to come to us and tell us what is going on in his head. They hardly ever say, “I’m not happy. I need something different,” and try to fix things in the marriage before they sneak off with their secretary or their nurse or someone they met in a bar.
If you can’t tell, I have strong opinions about that!
Coping With Divorce After 50
I’ve never really liked the sound of that phrase…”coping with divorce”… like it’s some new disease that I’ll never get rid of or something. Right off the bat I want to recognize, divorce sucks and it’s probably going to be painful for longer than you want. When I divorced in my fifties it took me longer than I care to admit to get through it. But I want to be the first to tell you, even a divorce after 50, can be just the upheaval you need to create an amazing next act in your life.
Yes, there are definitely some unique challenges as your start to get into this age range and there are key areas you’re gonna have to cope with.
Here are some of the major thoughts that ran through my head as I dealt with my divorce in my fifties.
- “What kind of life is there for me now? I’m already fifty years old!”
- “Who will want to be with me?”
- “How am I going to survive financially?”
- “This wasn’t supposed to happen to us…what happened to the perfect marriage I had dreamed of?”
On top of that, you have to deal with all the normal things that happen to all women in their fifties.
So where to start – coping with divorce after 50 usually means simply surviving at first.
You have to deal with the difficult grief period that many people don’t even recognize as “real” grief. Early on it’s a victory if you can survive from morning ‘til night without falling apart completely.
Depression And Divorce After 50
Depression usually shows up somewhere on this trip regardless of how the divorce happens. I had never taken an antidepressant in my life until my divorce when I was 53. I took one pill prescribed by my physician, and I became so physically sick that I thought to myself, “If I don’t pull myself together, he might make me take another one of those pills, and I might die!” I never took another one.
So what can you do? How do you navigate the sadness and devastation caused by this divorce.
Your first job is to take care of yourself. You must do the basics of simple self-care.
Try to get enough sleep (hard, almost impossible I know!) – My best advice, move to step 2!
Exercise! Yes even 50 year olds need to exercise. I rode my bicycle like crazy when I got divorced. I would get way out into rural areas and scream and cry as I rode. Find anything you can do to get your heart rate up and keep it up. This single handedly can improve your depression.
Eat something healthy – I personally couldn’t stomach a big meal early on, and found the best thing for me was to graze on healthy snacks all day long. A handful of nuts here, an apple there, a slice of cheese, a can of soup, or fiber-rich, high protein cereal.
Drink plenty of clear, healthy liquids. I found myself drinking a lot of fruit juices, but would dilute them by at least half with water to cut down on the sugar.
Also, make sure you’re getting out in the sun a bit every day, and doing something that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes, too.
Finally, GET HELP! Do not isolate yourself even though all you want to do, early on, is get in bed and cover your head until the pain stops. We can connect you with women from all over the country and internationally who know how you’re feeling and are feeling those same things too.
Surviving Divorce After 50: Feeling Alone
Loneliness is another big issue in divorce after 50. Many women in their fifties went to college, got married early, had children, and then just when things ease up a bit at home, our husband leaves. It was the first time I had actually ever lived alone after my husband left, and soon after, our last child left for college.
After 50, divorce makes us wonder where we fit in, and if surviving divorce after 50 is possible. Often our friends don’t want to take sides. They don’t want to interfere. We become “complicated.” We are the fifth wheel in groups of couples. And no one really gets how hard this is after most of our adult life, we were part of a couple.
That’s why one of the first things I recommend you do is connect with other women on this road. Once I found a group of women I could talk to, women who were going through the same thing…which again was much farther into the divorce than I care to admit… but once I did that I felt my recovery make turn in the right direction.
I wasn’t the only one out there. Women in their fifties and lots of them were doing things they had only dreamed of doing in their marriages. I finally felt a bit of hope!
Feeling Inadequate Or Unattractive When Your Husband Leaves
I mean no disrespect for women whose husbands have died in midlife. But I believe, and there is evidence to prove this, having a spouse die is easier to deal with emotionally than if your-still-very-much-alive husband decides you’re not fun enough or smart enough or adventurous enough or whatever, and goes looking for a younger model more suited to his new view of himself.
The cruel thing is that instead of the couple working things out together and finding new adventure together, the man looks for someone new. I’m sorry to say, there is no shortage of girlFIENDS out there. (A girlFIEND is any woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man!) Instead of the man rekindling the romance with his wife, he woos and tries to impress this sweet young thing who is usually much younger than he is, and is looking for someone to finance her life.
Often, the wife, who might also have been looking forward to the new freedom after the kids are gone, is left alone to pick up the pieces while he is getting his ego (and something else!) stroked by another woman. And most of the time, a midlife wife, no matter how much fun, bright or good looking she is, can never compete with someone much younger who makes the man feel young and sexually desirable again.
So what do you do?
The first thing I recommend is taking advantage of this opportunity to, potentially for the first time, look forward and ask…
- Who do I want to be now?
- What do I want to do now that I don’t have to worry about my ex anymore?
- What do I want to do that I never felt comfortable doing or didn’t feel able to do with my ex around?
For the first time in probably a long time, you can do really whatever you want without having to “impress someone” or make your husband feel special or for your husband.
Take advantage of this opportunity to be yourself OR figure out who you are with out the other person!
Divorce And Finances After 50
Finances are usually a huge issue during after 50 divorces. Just when you both might be looking forward to retirement and more time and money to travel and do things together, suddenly your financial security is put at risk. You may have to continue working for much longer than you planned. You usually have to leave your family home and find an apartment or downsize to a much smaller house for yourself and any children still at home.
Retirement funds are affected too. Divorce at any time is expensive. A long-drawn out battle eats up a lot of money for both parties. Some women end up with no retirement safety net at all. That’s especially true if the woman spent most of her married life staying home and taking care of the kids and things at home. And often with a new woman in his life, the ex becomes less likely to “do right by you” financially, as he promised.
There’s a ton to think about here – take a look at our article How To Get Through A Divorce Financially.
Recovery And Transformation
In the middle of all of this mess, we ask ourselves, “Will I ever get over this?” “Will I ever really be happy again?” “Is surviving divorce after 50 possible?”
The answer is yes! Absolutely!
There definitely is life after divorce at 50, but, your recovery is up to you. We have lots of ways to help, but you have to decide that you aren’t going to let one person, or this divorce, define you or destroy your future.
You definitely have grief work to do and healing work to do. But after that time of coming to grips with your new reality, you can start figuring out what comes next. And speaking from experience and from mentoring hundreds of women, your life can be amazing again – or maybe amazing for the very first time. But it’s your choice.
Get the resources, tools and services that can move you from how you’re feeling right now to creating a fun, good, adventurous life of your own. And it can be better than you can even imagine!
Let us help. Don’t waste another minute. Life is moving on. You wasband (your ex) has already moved on. You need to move on, too. We know you want to, but you don’t know where to start. We have a practical, energizing, structured system that works. Why don’t you try it out?
Ive just been reading all the comments and just crying. My husnabd just told me he wants to end our marriage after 32 years….he is in live with someone else. Im not copingg as it just came out of the blu and we just had a great holiday on fiji…
For all of you have been going through this, please don’t lose hope. I have been there as well. After 32 years of marriage he came home from a business trip, said he didn’t love me, immediately left off Mexico, married and left our children as well. I was in shock, this man who called every day telling me how me loved me became angry, blaming me for his life. Several days later not moving I divided all of my pills, made 2 lists, one of all the things he was demanding from me and one of reasons not to stay a live. I spent an overnight in the hospital and lied to get out. I then was diagnosed with chrohns and have spent 6 years getting to a better place. I had to sell my house an d eat with the fallout that my ex had took all the money and left me extremely in debt. I have come very far. From all of this I have learned to be a stronger woman who now knows who I am and what I want in life, something that may never have happened if I was married I am sorry to say. It has not been easy especially in the beginning where it took everything to make it through the day. It has taken time, support from others and learning how to care for myself and a determination to finally not let this person destroy me. Please know it can be done. It is not fair and I still believe in karma. It is never too late even though I still get anxious about the future, I remind myself how far I have come from that woman sitting on the sofa dividing my pills.
20 years. He left. I lived. Upon reflection I realize we wanted different lives. I wanted the southern values of church, our kids, family outings, dinners with friends, and romantic hand holding with Movie cuddles.
When asked by the councillor what he wanted he stated, to be the best salesman I can be so I am admired by all others. Yikes. He was never home, out with clients, never an interest in our kids, and acted like I was his mother in shirking responsibilities. The point is, he stood up at dinner one night and said he didn’t need me or our kids, house, or life together. I stood in the kitchen and looked at my crying teens. I took a deep breath and stated, “As long as there is breath in my body you and I will be just fine”. I reminded them daily it was dad’s issues and not our fault. Three years later he is drunk, broke, in broken relationships, and wants to come home. I have grown to love a coworker and taking it slow. Our teens are in college. Be strong. Be brave. Cry. Then go fix your darn hair. Look pretty as possible and love yourself.
My spouse had an affair before we were married. We were living together. I forgave him and tried to move on, but the other woman keep calling me and him. It effect me because of all that happened. When that finally stopped I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and always felt horrible, no energy and everything else that comes with it. He didn’t understand and didn’t care to understand what was happening to me and my body. Again in 2017 he had an affair, but this time with my cousin. Which she does care who she sleeps with. They just have to be married and she ready and willing. I tried again to forgive for our child sake, but I made a big mistake by doing that. Now it was all my fault for what he did and it was up to me to fix our marriage. I needed to be more loving, loose weight, look better, give him what he wanted. I couldn’t do it, so he left, and know the house, bills, debt is all my problem, not his. He doesnt care if I cant pay the house, or make the needed repairs to sale it. It’s my problem, figure it out! He’s not worried about or anything we had together. And he doesnt have to help with any of it.. I was ready for him to leave, but not ready financially. I only make $829.00 every two weeks. And every time I wanted to try to get a better paying job he would so no. You need this job because they work with you when out child needed me. Because he could take off from work to take care of him, but I could because I didn’t make as much as him. So my job wasn’t that important.… Read more »
I love that two times you said you were relieved! So- good riddance to him. You get to choose what kind of jobs you take now. Good luck with everything. You can do it.
Thanks for this article. I’m coming at this from a different angle — I’m a wife in my mid-30s who is considering a divorce in my early 50s due to a sexless marriage that my husband does not want to address. I’m waiting because we have very young children. I married late and was single until I was nearly 30, so I’m not afraid of being single again as I’m used to it. I don’t ever want to get married again, but when I come out the other side of this, I wouldn’t mind a boyfriend.
I am not divorced yet, but I know it is coming. We have been married for over 20 years and our youngest child is 10. My DH is military and gone quite often. Over the last 6 years, there have been weeks where he has not spoken a word to me. RIght now he has not talked to me in two weeks and left for a deployment without saying goodbye. I am mid 50s and have not worked outside of the home in over 12 years and have no marketable skills. Besides all of this, I love my husband. This all seems so crazy to me. WTH is wrong with him? My day is spent wondering if I should pack up the house, learn a skill, clean out the bank account, reading my Bible, praying, crying, cleaning… I am all over the place. Selling off furniture, stripping, sanding and painting other pieces of furniture. I need some balance, not this drama. My hair is falling out and my skin is breaking out. I feel and look like a hormonal teenager!
What about a man me. My wife is leaving me after 21 years. What do I do, how can I go on.
Thanks for the tip to get enough sleep. My wife’s uncle just found out his wife has been cheating on him. We’re trying to help him get through this difficult time while he looks for a family attorney.
Wow… thought I was the unlucky one… wasteband of 10 years leaving me..after I helped him with his business, and I m also the only friend who doesn’t screw him up… he is 15 years younger . Had an affair before he found the guts to tell me he has someone else, during our annual holidays. No matter how he tried to tell me how much he loves me… and that it’s his problem due to biological clock… it’s just basically he wanted a younger model. Never mind she already had a kid and probably has plans for him and his money.. I m still trying to recover from the betrayal and the sense of unreality.. doesn’t matter if his family and friends all like me better, and I m better looking, smarter and treated him nicer than anyone else..just what kind of awful features do all these heartless things?