If our marriage has survived into our fifties, we think it should be smooth sailing after that. That’s turning out not to be the case. Sadly, more divorces are happening after 50 (often called Gray Divorces) than you might expect, affecting everything from our children, our finances, our self esteem and sometimes our very survival.
See also: Divorce After 40, Divorce After 60
At around 50 years old, many people take a fresh look at a lot of things in their lives, including marriages. This is the time men (and women) have their famous “midlife crisis.” They start asking “Is this all there is?” Read more about midlife crisis divorce.
Women are also asking questions. Mainly, “What’s happening to me?” Menopause wreaks havoc on our body, our emotions and even our libido. Our child-rearing work has possibly eased up, and our kids are needing us less. But then, our parents may be needing us more.
After children leave home, many couples face this same identity crisis. You might hear statements like, “I’ve been working all these years to take care of my family, buying the groceries, paying the mortgage, financing the braces and getting the kids off to college.” Or… “I’ve endured this abuse, addiction, lack of respect for all these years. Enough is enough.”
After 50, many seem easily susceptible to that siren song … “I want some new excitement!”
As one bright, beautiful woman recently shared with me, her husband of more than three decades told her, “I want to explore! I’ve done my part, now it’s time for me! I don’t want to be tied down!” He left with no discussion, no trying to fix things, no regard for their long years together. What kind of coward does that?!
When the man leaves the marriage for another woman, that is absolutely devastating to the woman who has invested many years of life and love into her family. A man who has a midlife affair often doesn’t have the guts to come to us and tell us what is going on in his head. They hardly ever say, “I’m not happy. I need something different,” and try to fix things in the marriage before they sneak off with their secretary or their nurse or someone they met in a bar.
If you can’t tell, I have strong opinions about that!
Coping With Divorce After 50
I’ve never really liked the sound of that phrase…”coping with divorce”… like it’s some new disease that I’ll never get rid of or something. Right off the bat I want to recognize, divorce sucks and it’s probably going to be painful for longer than you want. When I divorced in my fifties it took me longer than I care to admit to get through it. But I want to be the first to tell you, even a divorce after 50, can be just the upheaval you need to create an amazing next act in your life.
Yes, there are definitely some unique challenges as your start to get into this age range and there are key areas you’re gonna have to cope with.
Here are some of the major thoughts that ran through my head as I dealt with my divorce in my fifties.
- “What kind of life is there for me now? I’m already fifty years old!”
- “Who will want to be with me?”
- “How am I going to survive financially?”
- “This wasn’t supposed to happen to us…what happened to the perfect marriage I had dreamed of?”
On top of that, you have to deal with all the normal things that happen to all women in their fifties.
So where to start – coping with divorce after 50 usually means simply surviving at first.
You have to deal with the difficult grief period that many people don’t even recognize as “real” grief. Early on it’s a victory if you can survive from morning ‘til night without falling apart completely.
Depression And Divorce After 50
Depression usually shows up somewhere on this trip regardless of how the divorce happens. I had never taken an antidepressant in my life until my divorce when I was 53. I took one pill prescribed by my physician, and I became so physically sick that I thought to myself, “If I don’t pull myself together, he might make me take another one of those pills, and I might die!” I never took another one.
So what can you do? How do you navigate the sadness and devastation caused by this divorce.
Your first job is to take care of yourself. You must do the basics of simple self-care.
Try to get enough sleep (hard, almost impossible I know!) – My best advice, move to step 2!
Exercise! Yes even 50 year olds need to exercise. I rode my bicycle like crazy when I got divorced. I would get way out into rural areas and scream and cry as I rode. Find anything you can do to get your heart rate up and keep it up. This single handedly can improve your depression.
Eat something healthy – I personally couldn’t stomach a big meal early on, and found the best thing for me was to graze on healthy snacks all day long. A handful of nuts here, an apple there, a slice of cheese, a can of soup, or fiber-rich, high protein cereal.
Drink plenty of clear, healthy liquids. I found myself drinking a lot of fruit juices, but would dilute them by at least half with water to cut down on the sugar.
Also, make sure you’re getting out in the sun a bit every day, and doing something that gets your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes, too.
Finally, GET HELP! Do not isolate yourself even though all you want to do, early on, is get in bed and cover your head until the pain stops. We can connect you with women from all over the country and internationally who know how you’re feeling and are feeling those same things too.
Surviving Divorce After 50: Feeling Alone
Loneliness is another big issue in divorce after 50. Many women in their fifties went to college, got married early, had children, and then just when things ease up a bit at home, our husband leaves. It was the first time I had actually ever lived alone after my husband left, and soon after, our last child left for college.
After 50, divorce makes us wonder where we fit in, and if surviving divorce after 50 is possible. Often our friends don’t want to take sides. They don’t want to interfere. We become “complicated.” We are the fifth wheel in groups of couples. And no one really gets how hard this is after most of our adult life, we were part of a couple.
That’s why one of the first things I recommend you do is connect with other women on this road. Once I found a group of women I could talk to, women who were going through the same thing…which again was much farther into the divorce than I care to admit… but once I did that I felt my recovery make turn in the right direction.
I wasn’t the only one out there. Women in their fifties and lots of them were doing things they had only dreamed of doing in their marriages. I finally felt a bit of hope!
Feeling Inadequate Or Unattractive When Your Husband Leaves
I mean no disrespect for women whose husbands have died in midlife. But I believe, and there is evidence to prove this, having a spouse die is easier to deal with emotionally than if your-still-very-much-alive husband decides you’re not fun enough or smart enough or adventurous enough or whatever, and goes looking for a younger model more suited to his new view of himself.
The cruel thing is that instead of the couple working things out together and finding new adventure together, the man looks for someone new. I’m sorry to say, there is no shortage of girlFIENDS out there. (A girlFIEND is any woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man!) Instead of the man rekindling the romance with his wife, he woos and tries to impress this sweet young thing who is usually much younger than he is, and is looking for someone to finance her life.
Often, the wife, who might also have been looking forward to the new freedom after the kids are gone, is left alone to pick up the pieces while he is getting his ego (and something else!) stroked by another woman. And most of the time, a midlife wife, no matter how much fun, bright or good looking she is, can never compete with someone much younger who makes the man feel young and sexually desirable again.
So what do you do?
The first thing I recommend is taking advantage of this opportunity to, potentially for the first time, look forward and ask…
- Who do I want to be now?
- What do I want to do now that I don’t have to worry about my ex anymore?
- What do I want to do that I never felt comfortable doing or didn’t feel able to do with my ex around?
For the first time in probably a long time, you can do really whatever you want without having to “impress someone” or make your husband feel special or for your husband.
Take advantage of this opportunity to be yourself OR figure out who you are with out the other person!
Divorce And Finances After 50
Finances are usually a huge issue during after 50 divorces. Just when you both might be looking forward to retirement and more time and money to travel and do things together, suddenly your financial security is put at risk. You may have to continue working for much longer than you planned. You usually have to leave your family home and find an apartment or downsize to a much smaller house for yourself and any children still at home.
Retirement funds are affected too. Divorce at any time is expensive. A long-drawn out battle eats up a lot of money for both parties. Some women end up with no retirement safety net at all. That’s especially true if the woman spent most of her married life staying home and taking care of the kids and things at home. And often with a new woman in his life, the ex becomes less likely to “do right by you” financially, as he promised.
There’s a ton to think about here – take a look at our article How To Get Through A Divorce Financially.
Recovery And Transformation
In the middle of all of this mess, we ask ourselves, “Will I ever get over this?” “Will I ever really be happy again?” “Is surviving divorce after 50 possible?”
The answer is yes! Absolutely!
There definitely is life after divorce at 50, but, your recovery is up to you. We have lots of ways to help, but you have to decide that you aren’t going to let one person, or this divorce, define you or destroy your future.
You definitely have grief work to do and healing work to do. But after that time of coming to grips with your new reality, you can start figuring out what comes next. And speaking from experience and from mentoring hundreds of women, your life can be amazing again – or maybe amazing for the very first time. But it’s your choice.
Get the resources, tools and services that can move you from how you’re feeling right now to creating a fun, good, adventurous life of your own. And it can be better than you can even imagine!
Let us help. Don’t waste another minute. Life is moving on. You wasband (your ex) has already moved on. You need to move on, too. We know you want to, but you don’t know where to start. We have a practical, energizing, structured system that works. Why don’t you try it out?
First of all thank you for this article.
After 29 years of marriage, being together 31 years. He screams at me that i am a moocher, living in the home for free and he is tired of paying all the bills. NOTE: I raised both kids (now 27 and 20), He works out of state so all the response is on me. I am paying (he not contribute a dime) towards the youngest one’s college tuition (out of state). Oh did I forget that i work two jobs.
I never in my life thought turning 50 would be like this.
2020 means clarity.
Being 65 years old single and alone is the worst for me, especially when i was married once before my Ex Wife cheated on me which i was the real faithful one too.
Having the same issue, husband of 33 years in midlife crisis. Caught him sexting another woman. He was remorseful at first but how now he has turned nasty saying it was my fault. Now says he doesn’t love me and we are on the brink of divorce! although he still tries to have sex with me.
My heart is breaking and I’m so stressed. I’ve lost 7kg in the space on 5 weeks. How do you get through this time in your life without crumbling!
At the age of 56 he left after our pride and joy son went off to college, left me with our 19yr old drug addict who was out of control and night after night I feared what might happen until i put him in jail then rehab. With a house to sell on top of it, I had not worked since I had breast cancer in 2010 which he said he only stayed with me because of that….. I have no family except my older son who lives 9 hours away he is 38. I am so alone but surviving got a good job co-managing a Garden Center 5 minutes from my new dwelling which is in the same town and 1/4 mile from the home I sold, my college son transferred back to a great college here and lives with me and my drug addict is home and off the pills but acts like he 15 and does not help me financially. My Ex pays a good amount of alimony or I would of ended up homeless. He also is with a millionaire who left her husband for mine and they built a huge home right down the street from my work. It never ends….. I hate being alone but no desire to date after all scared up after breast cancer what to do? I am 57 now and wish I could not work and enjoy my life thats left…. just lonely….
Let me tell you a story: A 51 year old-man steps out of a hot tub and enters the bathroom…basically falls to the floor and has trouble breathing. He actually might think this is the end for him. I mean a, “I can’t believe this is how I’m going to die”, episode–so much so that he begs his wife to call 911. She doesn’t call…and doesn’t immediately enter the room to see exactly what is going on. What all of you don’t understand is that there are reasons for why men (or women) sometimes leave their spouses. In this particular case the man (we’ll call him, Me) finally felt as if his 30 year meaningless marriage would be better suited for someone a bit more compassionate. I do have to say that, Me, does feel ashamed for what he has done, but isn’t it time for Me to live for himself?
you know some times or really almost always, its best to hear both sides of a story. Ive had my ex-husband tell his side and to be honest, it sounds bad without hearing the full story. you can make the other person seem pretty awful and cold hearted when your side of the story is the only side being heard.
I will be 60 this year. My x was a great guy. I love him still. He is in love with another woman and there isnt a thing that I can do or really want to do, about it. This is his life. He gets to make a choice. I hurt. People suck!!
I made mistakes and he made mistakes. He has a problem being honest. I have a problem being lied to . The marriage , for me, became a constant hide and seek , except he was hiding stuff and i was going crazy trying to find stuff. He felt like i no longer appriciated him or felt excited about him and i felt out of control and paranoid. When he said enough, he was already seeing someone he met on line. I actually seen the person on line, I said, babe who is this a picture of? She’s really pretty. Of course a fast lie covered it.
I mean look. this is common. The real problem is that we all fall for the biggest lie of all, that people love each other , respect each other and stay comitted.
Why on earth would you want to be with another man!! Geez wasnt most of your life enough? I think being lonely has got to be better than being with another person. Again, people suck!!
Who knew that after wanting a divorce because of the lack of respect, competition, emotionally draining, always being put last, crushing of my career. I made 5- 6 figures as an entertainer prior to meeting him. I stayed as long as I could for our son. But was depressed and suicidal prior to wanting a divorce. If someone had told me of the custody horror that awaited me, the missing of my very young son when he is with his father and surprise surprise his new wife who is a little bit younger than me about 8 years. I have grieved And raged off and on for four years. Its so easy for him, What about me? What about my sacrifice, Suddenly an epiphany. 1) I restarted my career slowly but surely 2) I do not have to put up with his degradation , his constant need for attention and him telling me every thought or desire is wrong. 3) I have a wonderful relationship with my son. 4) I have the most amazing friends. I kept the house I paid for it and though he tried to take it. I made sure he didn’t get it. The only time I waver is when I think I won’t find anybody else. However I made sure I had reestablished myself FIRST. It took time and too much WINE. But my only regret is that I GAVE him so much time and sacrificed my career for him thinking that later when our son was older it would ne my turn. There was NO LATER after just under ten years of marriage. It was all over. I no longer speak to him. He still tries. Still wants to appear a good guy. Still wants to take me out when his wife is away.… Read more »
…I am a man in his late 50’s and have read through these blogs with interest. I wanted to give my perspective which may help some women understand why men make such life changing decisions that effect so many other people. I was married for 32 years, and we had many great times, and 3 amazing children. As the kids grew into adults, it became clear that the emotion was going out of our marriage, we had slipped into ‘routine’ even an ‘I love you’ comment seem to have become routine and sex had basically disappeared. In short, we had grown apart. After being together for so long, everything about your life has been built together, friends, family, special occasions, birthdays, Christmas etc…and men being men, we do not tend to say how we truly feel as that would take emotional balls, and most men don’t have these as it would not be ‘men like’ to expose this side. I left my wife in the end for a younger more exciting relationship. Everyone told me it would not work and it was just sex. A year later, they have all proved to be right, and the signs were there from day 1 , we were different people who wanted didn’t things at that stage in our lives. However, what she did do, was give me a reason for leaving my wife, albeit a cowardly way of doing it. I now find myself starting again, the divorce has been settled amicably, and we are both moving forward on our own. However, I find myself looking back and regretting not acting on my feelings at various times in our marriage. I am sure if we had worked on the issues we would have survived, and I do regret that. I have apologised… Read more »