If you’re divorcing after 60, there are specific names for our situation. Silver divorce. Gray divorce. Late-life divorce. Boomer divorce. We are women who have chosen divorce or have had divorce forced on us in our 50s and 60s. Whatever the reasons, after-60 divorce is becoming more common.
There are several reasons for this growing trend of divorce after 60 years of age:
- We are healthier and living longer.
- We are less willing to “settle” and stay in a bad marriage.
- We are more likely to be in second marriages in which divorce happens at a higher rate.
- There is less stigma to ending a marriage.
- Women are more independent and self-sufficient than women in earlier generations.
- It’s more acceptable for men to leave a long marriage for something new.
See also: Divorce After 50
Should I Divorce After 60?
Even though men in long marriages may be dissatisfied with the relationship, women are more likely to actually file for divorce. Sometimes, men are having affairs, abusing drugs or alcohol, or maybe even emotionally or physically abusing us. Sixty-plus men are often hopeful they can have a loving, faithful family and still do things that are destroying that relationship. Viagra is giving them a new lease on life, too.
We should definitely take our time when asking ourselves, “Should I file for divorce if I’m over 60 years old?” Seeing a marriage counselor can sometimes help, but if you’re reading this, you’ve probably already tried that, or your ex gave you no choice. Getting your own counselor is helpful in making this decision.
There are many factors that affect a serious decision to divorce after 60. Your financial situation may be the deciding factor. Women tend to be worse off financially five years after divorce. And since we live longer, we need more of a nest egg to support that longer life span.
If you are thinking about divorce after 60, you have to decide if staying in the marriage is worth what you would be giving up. If you feel like you can’t be the woman you were created to be and stay in the marriage, you should seek trusted advice or get help making the next step – talking with a divorce attorney.
Coping with Divorce After 60
There are several ways women cope with divorce after age 60. Much of it depends on whether we made the choice to divorce, or if our husband simply left the relationship. We are more likely to have intense feelings of loss if our husband simply says “I’m done.”
In many cases of late-life divorce, including mine, he simply would not give up his girlfriend. I decided I couldn’t live in a threesome, so I made the hardest decision of my life and filed myself.
After months of being in my “sobbing and screaming” stage, I finally came to the realization that I was in charge of my future. I saw an unpredictable, scary future before me, but I realized my future was up to me. Surviving divorce after 60, or anytime, is always our choice.
The biggest step forward I made was deciding that I was not going to let this destroy me. I was not going to let one person who didn’t “get” me define my life. He could live his pitiful, selfish life. I decided that I was going to use every day of my one wild, precious after-60 life in the best way possible.
But I’ll admit, it was a day-by-day decision to decide to survive and heal after divorce. It was a moment-by-moment choice to get better after that heartbreaking decision.
Depression After Divorce
After a late life divorce; we are usually thrown into a wild roller-coaster of emotions. We go from wanting him back, to wanting him dead. We have intense levels of emotions we’ve never felt before. Depression. Rage. Fear. Loneliness. Sadness.
These emotions are unbelievably hard to handle, especially when we are exhausted and overwhelmed by the whole devastating ordeal. We actually wonder how we can even survive divorce after 60.
Here are some things you can do to deal with the depression during and after divorce after 60:
- See your physician, and tell him or her what’s going on.
- Stay active. It’s vital to warding off depression.
- Do the grief work you need to do.
- Simplify your life for now.
- Revisit your own life goals and dreams.
- Be around safe people who help you move forward.
- Get help. Find a program that supports you and gives you a plan.
- Realize that choices today create your life tomorrow.
Feeling Alone
Picture a little tiny boat with you alone in it on a huge, endless ocean. That’s how most 60+ women going through divorce feel.
I had never felt the gut-wrenching loneliness I felt after divorce. I tried staying upbeat. I put on a good face, but deep down I wondered if I would ever get over my divorce.
It’s not just that you’re alone, but that no one realizes how hard this late life divorce journey is. Friends and family just want us to feel better, but they don’t understand how our heart is hurting. The dread of starting over after divorce at 60 is overwhelming. (Learn how to talk to a friend going through divorce).
Divorce after 60 usually means we are experiencing lots of other losses, too. Children have busy lives of their own. Our parents are either gone or needing more help. Friends are busy. Our body is changing. The world is flying forward, and we often feel left behind.
Feeling Inadequate or Unattractive
Especially if our husband found a new, younger woman, we lose our confidence. We feel like we’re not enough. Our ex-husband feels like his life has taken a big step forward. That reality is devastating. We’ve been traded in for a newer, shinier, faster, sexier new model. We may be 63. The new woman may be 36.
All those things made me doubt myself. I felt old and ugly and fat.
To pull myself out of that pit, I made sure I got dressed every morning. Even though you may want to stay in your sweats all day, don’t do it! Dress up to feel up!
Our emotions follow our actions. The simple acts of putting a smile on your face and standing up straight make a difference. Walk with power. Those small actions get the endorphins moving around, giving you more enthusiasm and optimism. The phrase, “Fake it ‘til you make it,” has a scientific basis.
Finances
When you are facing divorce after 60, as soon as you can, get help! One of the first things I did was meet with the guy who had done our taxes for years.
You must face your financial issues head on. Find out exactly where you stand. What you have (or will have) coming in and what your expenses will be. Regardless of how much or how little you have, knowing where you stand is empowering. It gives you a place to start.
Retirement
If you’re facing divorce after sixty. Get professional help to navigate the complicated world of Social Security and retirement. Finding a part-time job can help make ends meet, and it’s good for you socially and emotionally. You get back into the world of the living where you can contribute and be a productive part of society.
Get the word around that you’re looking for a job. Volunteer at an organization you care about. One of the women we helped hadn’t had a job in 25 years. She was unprepared to get back into the working world, so she volunteered in the neonatal ward of the local hospital.
She loved it, and someone noticed her dedication and recommended her for a part-time paying job in the hospital. That led to some training so she could take another job up the pay scale.
Another woman’s employer sent her back to school so she could qualify for a higher-paying job. Do something. Even if it’s scary, start somewhere.
Your Home
Divorce after 60 often means a change in our living arrangements. Almost all women must move to a smaller, less expensive space.
I went from a big house to a much, much smaller house after my divorce. That helped me take strides forward in my new after-divorce life. I went to sales and thrift shops, and made the house warm and welcoming. Best of all, I could afford it!
As Colin Powell said, “Home is where you are.” Friends and family will enjoy being there – or not – by how you feel about it and how they feel when they are there. Wherever you end up, whether it’s a little apartment, a retirement village or a small house, you get to choose how to deal with that new part of your life. You can choose to make it wonderful!
Recovery & Transformation
Starting over after divorce at 60, is a huge adjustment, regardless of how it happens. The fact is: You can make your future as wonderful or as miserable as you want.
You need to make the choice every day to get better. Sometimes you have to make that choice several times a day.
Getting help making those good choices every day makes all the difference in the world. Find other women on this same road. Find resources and tools to keep you moving forward. You have to do the work, but don’t try to go through this alone.
What you want after the dust of your divorce settles is a beautifully transformed life – a life where you can’t wait to get up every morning!
You have the chance to make your after-60 life into a more beautiful, adventurous, fun life than you ever expected. It’s happening to me. It’s happened to many women I’ve helped. It can happen for you.
Dating After Divorce at 60
After divorce, many women feel like they have to hurry up and find someone else. My advice is that before you even think about dating again, you need to grieve and heal and then get strong and confident again yourself. I can’t emphasize this enough!
Many second or third marriages fail because people are lonely and want someone else to make them feel worthy again. You are worthy already! I know the loneliness is worse than awful! I’ve spent those sleepless nights and agonizing days. But getting comfortable with your new single self is so, so, so important before you start dating after 60.
Use this time to re-discover your best self and what you really want. When you are moving to your new, transformed life is when you are most likely to find someone who appreciates your confident happy self no matter what your age!
Remember, your life after your divorce, yes, even divorce after 60, can be good again. Not just sort-of good. It can be a life better than you ever expected! Make it happen!
My son died in May. I didn’t think I could Survive such pain. However in June my husband told me that he wanted a separation. Followed that with not bearing to be with me. I suffer from borderline personality Disorder. This disorder makes Makes me incapable of limiting my feelings. Before talking to me about this he had told all his friends I was devastated. Until that time I didn’t even know there was anything wrong with our marriage. I literally discovered that he was having in a emotional-affair with my dead son’s fiance. I can’t register how he love me one day and despised me the next and the worst part is I love him with all my soul. His now ask for divorce. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t let go but don’t have a choice.
Hi, I live in the UK. i am 62 ,hubby 61. We just seem to hate each other lately and I don’t know why!! He hates my politics and snaps at me or walks away. We haven’t had sex for 21 MTHS sneeked a look at his phone 2 years ago and discovered that he was mastubating over oriental girls. He has a son by a previous marriage that we argue over , ever since he told me that his wife said he was not his. He said she told him that to be spiteful but, I think that there is no smoke without fire . He has always been a main bone of contention. We have been together 28 years and I used to be his sons child carer. I was in an abusive marriage and took a lot of beatings so when this guy and I fell for each other it was like my knight in shining armour riding in to rescue me. He gave me a son and daughter that I had always craved and things were good for a while. However, he has always been quiet but now he is so secretive and our arguments are awful I am only happy when he is at work. Since I do not trust him, I even wonder if he is at work!!! It’s killing me. Need some advice. Please help.
We’re both 63 and my husband has some medical conditions like diabetes, cardio vascular syndrome, and high BP. He smokes, doesn’t do any activity other than at work climbing ladders and running wire, so now his knees are bad. On the surface I sound pretty heartless when i’m against his retiring early. He’s been hinting at it for a year now as his ‘health’ gets worse; his last mournful “I don’t know how long they’re going to keep me on if I can’t do my job.”…was met with my irritation and his ultimate statement to me to “Get a lawyer, I want a divorce.” He hasn’t spoken more than 2 words to me in almost 2 months, so yeah…Ii went and spoke to a lawyer. Here’s the thing. The man is a slob and borderline hoarder tendencies so it’s impossible to actually have a clean house. Empty boxes everywhere, even the trashcan near his bed is overflowing with this snot tissues and laying on the floor. He overeats because he has to be served first and often I get irritated because he seldom thinks of how much is left for others. He will send our son out at 9pm or so to the local DQ to get him a Blizzard, and he absolutely refuses to quit smoking. There are office jobs at his employer where he wouldn’t have to climb ladders, but when I made that suggestion he snapped my head off saying “I’m not working in a f*cking office.” He thinks what he does at the house is contributing when he does the lawn (ie, rides a mower back and forth across a few acres but doesn’t weed eat), and loads the dishwasher (ie, maybe after 3 or 4 days that the dishes are piled in the sink as… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing your story
I am going through a divorce after 60.my husband has been living with another woman and we are not even legally done.
Through it all I have realized how many friends I really have. I am trying to move forward. I am starting to like my freedom from from my husband. He does not deserve me. I realized that I dont need to beg someone to love me.
It seems all the women in these stories have no responsibility for the divorce. Respect, admiration, affection, and love will prevail over criticism and stonewalling. I think almost all marriages can be saved.
I am a man and believe both men and women can and are devastated in divorce. I lost everything. I got sick my wife went back to her first husband. She didn’t know if I was the father of our child. She was physically abusive. She hit me in the face and I had to have plastic surgery. I went to work with scratches and bruises on my face and neck. It was horrible the court awarded her everything. Eventually I was able to get custody of our child because she was abusive towards here. I did not realize that a woman could get away with filing false charges, assault and battery go to court and still be awarded everything. There is a tremendous bias towards men in family court against men. There are wo.en out there who drink. take drugs, are physically abusive and literally destroy the lives of their husbands and children I have close friends who were forced to pay child support for children that were not theirs to women they never lived with or were married to. I understand this is a site for women but please understand that there are men who are severely abused by their wives physically, financially emotionally I don’t think anyone should get married. Marriages is a license with the state that allows even an unfaithful physically abusive woman to go to court file false charges and still get everything. Again I know this is a site for women a d I respect that. I wish this site was for men and women. The reality marriage is not practical in the modern day and age neither is Christrianity. Again thank you for allowing me to show that men are also abused by women. Also there are no shelters for battered men.… Read more »
I have no “good” reason for not wanting to be with my husband. My husband doesn’t hit me, have a girlfriend, gamble or drink. I do not miss him when I’m not with him. I just don’t enjoy his company. He’s a worrier; he gets stressed. He likes to control everything but there’s nothing awful about him. If there was a love potion I could drink to enjoy being with him, I would definitely drink it. We have 3 children, and I stay with him so I don’t hurt my children. I’m 62 and see this as my fate; we all have pluses and minuses in our life, and I guess it would be selfish of me to “break up” the family (kids are all grown up though). I sometimes wish I had cancer just to be over with it all.
All of these stories are heartbreaking. I too live in what I call a “lonely” marriage. 30 years and I wish I could get a divorce but it just isn’t that easy to do. He doesn’t talk to me, he just yells or ignores me. I laugh when I see suggestions to see a marriage therapist. He wont talk to me, how am I going to even get him there? I too have health issues, I love my home and I know if I left that I would have to find a much smaller place. All he does is watch TV, the same movies over and over again and he drinks on the weekends and gets ugly. He says mean things and doesn’t want to try to work it out. I should have left years ago but I was so scared to be alone and yet I am sad and alone where I am. He wont go out to dinner or a movie or anything in 30 years. He goes to work and home, thats it, he has no friends at all. There have been times I have been deathly ill and he wont drive me to the hospital because its an inconvenience to him, I’ve driven myself while in horrible pain and sat in emergency for hours by myself. Some of my Doctors tell me my health conditions are caused by living under these conditions. I can relate to Jean when she says she wishes for it to be over. I often wish he would get sick and it would be over, I have suffered enough. Then I feel horribly guilty. I do love him but I hate how he has made my life a living hell. Being a child survivor of abuse in many forms has left me… Read more »
I am 63. I just celebrated my 44th wedding anniversary with husband whom I have been with since I was 15. The first 6 years of my marriage were perfect. I raised the kids and kept the house. He started using cocaine – along with all the other dark and seedy things that come with that lifestyle. My Cinderella world fell apart. I have been down a long and winding road with him – somehow by the grace of God – I learned that I needed to make a life for myself along time ago. I inherited some money and was able to buy a house in which we raised our children. When the habit came back with a vengeance – I had arranged a meeting with an attorney to have the house quit claimed to me – when I was able to refinance in my name only I did. He has never physically abuse me – and honestly believe that he truly has never meant to emotionally abuse me. Now is addiction is with Oxy..his whole life is centered around these pills. When he is out before the next prescription can be filled he drinks all day. He worked hard all his life and I know he has pain. I try so hard to be compassionate but it seems that I am just bitter and as he says jaded – he does take responsibility for that – I have a very well paying job – work long hours and drive 2.5 plus each day. I am exhausted. I still love him – but honestly I don’t know if I want to live the rest of my life like this.
Hi
Over 4 years ago after 53 years of marriage my spouse goes to his exfiancee’ .
I received Divorce papers had to get a Attorney a charge card so I could receive Alimony .
My former spouse said to me that he would always make sure that I would be okay financial wise. Well after over 4 years he wants to stop the Alimony.My feeling are that he is living like a king. Iam settled but if he harmd me financially I will be hurting and will have to move I suffer from serve coronary artery disease spinal column issues and several mini strokes.