If you’re divorcing after 60, there are specific names for our situation. Silver divorce. Gray divorce. Late-life divorce. Boomer divorce. We are women who have chosen divorce or have had divorce forced on us in our 50s and 60s. Whatever the reasons, after-60 divorce is becoming more common.
There are several reasons for this growing trend of divorce after 60 years of age:
- We are healthier and living longer.
- We are less willing to “settle” and stay in a bad marriage.
- We are more likely to be in second marriages in which divorce happens at a higher rate.
- There is less stigma to ending a marriage.
- Women are more independent and self-sufficient than women in earlier generations.
- It’s more acceptable for men to leave a long marriage for something new.
See also: Divorce After 50
Should I Divorce After 60?
Even though men in long marriages may be dissatisfied with the relationship, women are more likely to actually file for divorce. Sometimes, men are having affairs, abusing drugs or alcohol, or maybe even emotionally or physically abusing us. Sixty-plus men are often hopeful they can have a loving, faithful family and still do things that are destroying that relationship. Viagra is giving them a new lease on life, too.
We should definitely take our time when asking ourselves, “Should I file for divorce if I’m over 60 years old?” Seeing a marriage counselor can sometimes help, but if you’re reading this, you’ve probably already tried that, or your ex gave you no choice. Getting your own counselor is helpful in making this decision.
There are many factors that affect a serious decision to divorce after 60. Your financial situation may be the deciding factor. Women tend to be worse off financially five years after divorce. And since we live longer, we need more of a nest egg to support that longer life span.
If you are thinking about divorce after 60, you have to decide if staying in the marriage is worth what you would be giving up. If you feel like you can’t be the woman you were created to be and stay in the marriage, you should seek trusted advice or get help making the next step – talking with a divorce attorney.
Coping with Divorce After 60
There are several ways women cope with divorce after age 60. Much of it depends on whether we made the choice to divorce, or if our husband simply left the relationship. We are more likely to have intense feelings of loss if our husband simply says “I’m done.”
In many cases of late-life divorce, including mine, he simply would not give up his girlfriend. I decided I couldn’t live in a threesome, so I made the hardest decision of my life and filed myself.
After months of being in my “sobbing and screaming” stage, I finally came to the realization that I was in charge of my future. I saw an unpredictable, scary future before me, but I realized my future was up to me. Surviving divorce after 60, or anytime, is always our choice.
The biggest step forward I made was deciding that I was not going to let this destroy me. I was not going to let one person who didn’t “get” me define my life. He could live his pitiful, selfish life. I decided that I was going to use every day of my one wild, precious after-60 life in the best way possible.
But I’ll admit, it was a day-by-day decision to decide to survive and heal after divorce. It was a moment-by-moment choice to get better after that heartbreaking decision.
Depression After Divorce
After a late life divorce; we are usually thrown into a wild roller-coaster of emotions. We go from wanting him back, to wanting him dead. We have intense levels of emotions we’ve never felt before. Depression. Rage. Fear. Loneliness. Sadness.
These emotions are unbelievably hard to handle, especially when we are exhausted and overwhelmed by the whole devastating ordeal. We actually wonder how we can even survive divorce after 60.
Here are some things you can do to deal with the depression during and after divorce after 60:
- See your physician, and tell him or her what’s going on.
- Stay active. It’s vital to warding off depression.
- Do the grief work you need to do.
- Simplify your life for now.
- Revisit your own life goals and dreams.
- Be around safe people who help you move forward.
- Get help. Find a program that supports you and gives you a plan.
- Realize that choices today create your life tomorrow.
Feeling Alone
Picture a little tiny boat with you alone in it on a huge, endless ocean. That’s how most 60+ women going through divorce feel.
I had never felt the gut-wrenching loneliness I felt after divorce. I tried staying upbeat. I put on a good face, but deep down I wondered if I would ever get over my divorce.
It’s not just that you’re alone, but that no one realizes how hard this late life divorce journey is. Friends and family just want us to feel better, but they don’t understand how our heart is hurting. The dread of starting over after divorce at 60 is overwhelming. (Learn how to talk to a friend going through divorce).
Divorce after 60 usually means we are experiencing lots of other losses, too. Children have busy lives of their own. Our parents are either gone or needing more help. Friends are busy. Our body is changing. The world is flying forward, and we often feel left behind.
Feeling Inadequate or Unattractive
Especially if our husband found a new, younger woman, we lose our confidence. We feel like we’re not enough. Our ex-husband feels like his life has taken a big step forward. That reality is devastating. We’ve been traded in for a newer, shinier, faster, sexier new model. We may be 63. The new woman may be 36.
All those things made me doubt myself. I felt old and ugly and fat.
To pull myself out of that pit, I made sure I got dressed every morning. Even though you may want to stay in your sweats all day, don’t do it! Dress up to feel up!
Our emotions follow our actions. The simple acts of putting a smile on your face and standing up straight make a difference. Walk with power. Those small actions get the endorphins moving around, giving you more enthusiasm and optimism. The phrase, “Fake it ‘til you make it,” has a scientific basis.
Finances
When you are facing divorce after 60, as soon as you can, get help! One of the first things I did was meet with the guy who had done our taxes for years.
You must face your financial issues head on. Find out exactly where you stand. What you have (or will have) coming in and what your expenses will be. Regardless of how much or how little you have, knowing where you stand is empowering. It gives you a place to start.
Retirement
If you’re facing divorce after sixty. Get professional help to navigate the complicated world of Social Security and retirement. Finding a part-time job can help make ends meet, and it’s good for you socially and emotionally. You get back into the world of the living where you can contribute and be a productive part of society.
Get the word around that you’re looking for a job. Volunteer at an organization you care about. One of the women we helped hadn’t had a job in 25 years. She was unprepared to get back into the working world, so she volunteered in the neonatal ward of the local hospital.
She loved it, and someone noticed her dedication and recommended her for a part-time paying job in the hospital. That led to some training so she could take another job up the pay scale.
Another woman’s employer sent her back to school so she could qualify for a higher-paying job. Do something. Even if it’s scary, start somewhere.
Your Home
Divorce after 60 often means a change in our living arrangements. Almost all women must move to a smaller, less expensive space.
I went from a big house to a much, much smaller house after my divorce. That helped me take strides forward in my new after-divorce life. I went to sales and thrift shops, and made the house warm and welcoming. Best of all, I could afford it!
As Colin Powell said, “Home is where you are.” Friends and family will enjoy being there – or not – by how you feel about it and how they feel when they are there. Wherever you end up, whether it’s a little apartment, a retirement village or a small house, you get to choose how to deal with that new part of your life. You can choose to make it wonderful!
Recovery & Transformation
Starting over after divorce at 60, is a huge adjustment, regardless of how it happens. The fact is: You can make your future as wonderful or as miserable as you want.
You need to make the choice every day to get better. Sometimes you have to make that choice several times a day.
Getting help making those good choices every day makes all the difference in the world. Find other women on this same road. Find resources and tools to keep you moving forward. You have to do the work, but don’t try to go through this alone.
What you want after the dust of your divorce settles is a beautifully transformed life – a life where you can’t wait to get up every morning!
You have the chance to make your after-60 life into a more beautiful, adventurous, fun life than you ever expected. It’s happening to me. It’s happened to many women I’ve helped. It can happen for you.
Dating After Divorce at 60
After divorce, many women feel like they have to hurry up and find someone else. My advice is that before you even think about dating again, you need to grieve and heal and then get strong and confident again yourself. I can’t emphasize this enough!
Many second or third marriages fail because people are lonely and want someone else to make them feel worthy again. You are worthy already! I know the loneliness is worse than awful! I’ve spent those sleepless nights and agonizing days. But getting comfortable with your new single self is so, so, so important before you start dating after 60.
Use this time to re-discover your best self and what you really want. When you are moving to your new, transformed life is when you are most likely to find someone who appreciates your confident happy self no matter what your age!
Remember, your life after your divorce, yes, even divorce after 60, can be good again. Not just sort-of good. It can be a life better than you ever expected! Make it happen!
Thank you for this article, I found it helpful. I am a 60 year old that is trying to cope with an unwanted divorce. One day my husband, the love of my life sent me a text message that simply said “I moved out”. I raced home from visiting my daughter only to find my home emptied, bank accounts emptied and my life as I knew well, it was gone, just like that. I have always worked and still do, I supported us, his bad back kept him from working or so I was told for years.
I had no furniture, no money, no retirement and no self esteem left. I spent the next year learning so many things about the man I called my husband. The past two years have been a journey but I am learning to rebuild my life. I filed for divorce and asked for nothing except my poodle and I walked out of the court house with only my poodle in my arms and sobbing and wondering how and why. I will never let myself love again. I work from home and seldom leave me house now. I guess I am ashamed of myself, how did I not see this and how did I fail the love of my life? I guess that is the haunting question.
I remember the day I walked out of the courthouse, it was a cold winter day. I knew I had nothing except the clothes I was wearing and my tiny poodle in my arms but somehow I knew that trying to spend my energy fighting for half of everything, and money would not provide the independence to start over my life. Not to mention paying a lot of it to a lawyer.
I was dealt this hand whether I wanted it or not and material things we purchased or owned together would be filled with memories and money split between us well…. that meant in some ways we would always be tied together, no, not for me. I may be 60 years old but I have always worked and been a good provider, I did not want the ties that bind. It is also empowering to save the money and shop for furniture for yourself, one piece at a time. It gives you personal goals and a chance to start with something that is only yours. I think and hope this life lesson is teaching me to be more grateful and humble.
He chose to take everything and I chose not to fight to get any of it back, I chose for Justice not revenge.
I like being alone and I am comfortable being alone but that does not mean I don’t like companionshiop. I would call my marriage a marriage of convenience. I want more of a connection, he can’t give more. It has taken me 30 years to realize I will never get more from him and for my own sanity I have to leave. I can only hope there is more for me and I will find the companionship I am looking for.
Great suggestions. Life is so short and I cold not believe 24-25 years with 2 adult children would end. Wasanyone else dropped due to chronic health probems even when you have done your best to keep living and deal with them? It’s like, if something is wrong with you and the one personwho grew close to you is dropping you because of your health problem And you can’t imagine someone else wouold what what he threw away. One feels like a “throwaway person” and when you have chronic illnesses/conditions how will anhyone else want you?
ANYHOW, I have my faith and find hope and peace in Jesus. (:
take care,
=shar
My husband and I have been married 43 years we have 3 children 5 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild he comes from Ghana six years ago he went to his country built a house took his large redundancy and has been coming here 4 for months going backwards and forwards the house there and here in England is both of ours he came this year and said all the money was finished he wanted equity from this house I said no so now he is divorcing me and wants both the houses sold separate from the divorce what can I do
Thank you for the article Divorce after 60. I have been married for 26 years to a surgeon. Was thrown aside for a 38 year old. Absolutely the most heart breaking, shocking surprise blow. I have remained calm but and dead inside. I am a lawyer but modeled all through college. Here’s the horror story: We had a good marriage – so I thought. He loved my WWII dad and became golf buddies, We are on the west coast and my dad was on the east coast. I was not close with my dad but was happy to see them develop a great friendship. My husband got very involved ( as docs in a family sometimes do) with my dad’s medical care. After many procedures my dad died at age 84. My husband felt tremendous guilt for referring the east coast surgeon. There was of course no fault and I was unaware of his guilt. We were building a ski house (second home) so I was gone a lot for the construction ( he wanted the ski house I said sure). While I was out of town he met a 38 year old gal…they carried on an affair for 10 months – I had no idea. We had even gone to Japan for a great 2 week trip in the middle of the affair. He came to me out of the absolute blue on a Sunday afternoon and said “I met someone”. “ I’ve met my soulmate, I have a chance at happiness, I’m leaving in the morning”. I remember looking at him and seeing his lips move… Saying “ met someone” but I didn’t have a box in my brain to process it. I said “Met someone?” He said yes. I remained extremely calm. I told him that I… Read more »
I’m 58, 2nd marriage of 22 years. 2 grown up sons and 4 grandchildren. I always knew that he watched porn, and I always had a problem with it. We had several arguments over the years, in fact it’s really the only thing we’ve ever really argued over. Despite my feelings, we still had fun, went out lots and had a great sex life, until he had a stroke aged 49. He changed, not so laid back and loving. Sex was very infrequent, and not like before. I changed my job a couple of years after this, and begun working nights at a retail store. A while after this, my son, who lived at home at the time, happened to mention my husband had bought a laptop. Turned out he bought it one night when I had gone to work and kept it hidden in a cupboard. When I asked him about it, he showed it to me, and it then was left out so I could use it. I was so niave back then as to why he did this. A while after this, my dear mum became ill. I spent a month at the hospital with her, and eventually got her discharged so she could die at home. She only survived a few hours. I held her hand and watched her pass away. I had a Hospice nurse with me for support, husband had gone home as he had work the next day. I didn’t get much support from husband, he had lost his Dad just a couple of weeks earlier. It was a tough time for us both. It didn’t bring us closer, in fact the opposite. Between her death and funeral, I used the laptop quite a lot to sort things out. For some reason I… Read more »
I am 65, female and have been in a violent narcissitic marriage for almost 17 years. I loved this man so much that I put on the blinders to what was actually going on. Friends had said that they felt he was a liar and I stuck with him because I thought he loved me. Little did I know that before we even married he was talking to his ex-girlfriends about hooking up. He had a heart attack at 36 that included a triple bypass. I took care of him by keeping him on a diet and staying healthy. We always talked about the 5 year plan of moving from my house near Chicago to his hometown near St. Louis. As I had lived in Chicago my whole life I felt this was an opportunity. My eldest son was going to NY for school, my other son was staying near Chicago and I thought this would end up good. It didn’t. All he did was hook up with all of his former girlfriends in our own home behind my back. Obviously I was the joke of the town but he wouldn’t let me go. We moved to another town and he then hooked up with a bartender and somebody from work while I had to travel out of town. Now I am old and just cant do this anymore. I lost my kids, my self esteem and bought all of his bullshit. Now I just can’t take the physical abuse. He controls the money. He always holds it over me that now that he is the sole breadwinner he has the upper hand. All I do is cook, clean and do laundry as he is a pig about those things. I am called unbelievable names and have been hit, when… Read more »
Being with a narcissist is the most devistating thing I’ve ever experienced. Until you live in it , you can not judge , it’s a living nightmare. For those who think narcissist can be help has no clue, they think their perfect and can do know wrong, their delusional snd have zero empathy. It’s a no win siduation .
Hi , I’m 58 and I have been married for 30 years, with up and down , I’m not happy in my relation ship and I don’t know what to do .. we suffering a lot with one our daughter addiction (heroin) she was in recovery for years , and she’s good now but with a lot a issues , she has a daughter and she is our devotion now, but I feel empty inside, he’s 8 years younger than me , we both looks good , but is not the point. He’s is very sexual active and I’m not , I work hard and I’m tired and he’s not , for me is good to have sex ones a week and is not for him , so when we have sex he’s very nice with me but after a couple days he’s not , is like is not enough and he changes like I’m not exist . He became aggressive when he talks and also in front of family or friends wherever I said is ridiculous . I feel like I’m not in love with him but is hard to make a decision to get a divorce . I tried so hard to be happy , but I’m not , he’s a selfish and he doesn’t realize . I told him a hundred time that he has to change and he does just for a wile and then the same . Sometimes I want just run away and my daughters and my grandchild is the only reason I’m still here , they live with us ( we have a mother and daughter house) and I think what about them if I ask for divorce ? I know I should think about me and my feelings but it would be… Read more »