The “Love” (Lust) Notes


Some divorced men put ridiculous pictures of their escapades on facebook for everyone to see. If you’re the ex-wife (or his child), it can be mortifying.

The  “Love”(Lust) Notes:  A look at the private e-mails between a married man and his Argentinian girlfriend.

All of these blogs are personal.  Maybe too personal.  When you go through a midlife divorce and are trying to recover from that change in your life plans, everything seems to become personal.  Details of your life that were private all of a sudden become part of the public domain.  (That’s one reason I feel such empathy for Jenny Sanford and Elizabeth Edwards and women in the public domain whose husband’s mistresses are suddenly in the news.)  How would you like for your wasband’s notes to his “soul mate” to be broadcast to total strangers, but worse to be available for your close friends, family and even children to read.  My wasband’s and his girlfriend’s communications were not made public to all of America, but I felt violated just the same, and I felt that everyone must think I was somehow a deficient woman.  And these days, our wasbands can act ridiculous on facebook and dating sites and we are raked through that muck as well.  Just let me say, you are not a terrible woman, but even if you were, your wasband’s actions are selfish, cowardly and embarrassing and say much more about him than about you.  But that’s hard to fathom when you are faced with this public airing of the most intimate details of your and/or his life.  I used to think when I went to a party or anything early on that I was a fraud.  I felt like people were wondering what was wrong with me.  My wasband was so charming … so friendly and fun.  I tried too hard to validate myself.  I tried to be really fun and really caring so people would simply think I was an “okay” person.  Those early social forays are the worst, so be patient with yourself if that’s where you are.  Be confident, but don’t try too hard.  Be pleasant, but don’t act way out of the norm in social interactions.  Be yourself.  Be your caring, capable, centered self.  People will wonder, not what’s wrong with you, but will think, “What in the world is wrong with him?”  So just take a deep breath, keep private what needs to be private, and then give your friends and family the gift of being personal enough to see your vulnerability.  It will give you a chance to share the lessons you are learning, and it will give them courage for the private (and, perhaps, public) challenges they might be facing.  You have great lessons to teach through this.  You can use this challenge for good, for a higher purpose.   Don’t miss this opportunity to shine your light for children and family and friends especially.   It may be the time you can make more of an impact for good than any other time in your life.

“What a wonderful God we have — he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials.  And why does he do this?  So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.”  2 Corinthians 1:3-4.


About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.

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