Tips To Stop Obsessing About Him After Divorce

Tips To Stop Obsessing About Him After Divorce

2018-01-10T18:10:29+00:00

“Every woman has at least one humiliating story of obsession.” ~ Linda Sunshine, She’s Just That Into You – The No Excuse Truth About Women’s Obsessions With Men

Signs Of Obsession

I’ve shared from this book before. It is not worth more than the $1.00 I paid for it, but it definitely gives a very accurate in-your-face look at some of the ridiculous things that women do to cope with lost love. If we are truly honest with ourselves, all of us who have experienced divorce have probably done a few of the things in this book.

For example, here is what it says on the back: “Some early signs you’re obsessed: Are you spending more than 14 hours in bed? Do you go to church or temple only to pray he’ll come back to you? Are you frequently misplacing your keys, your wallet, your children and/or your sense of humor? Are you wearing your pajamas to the supermarket?”

Get A Grip & Upgrade

Inside, there is also a list of Stalking Dos and Don’ts including: “Do follow him in your car; Don’t hit him with your car; Do wait outside his house for him to come home, Don’t break into his house and wait for him in the basement.”

Okay, the book is funny and I’m glad I bought because it reminded me about how ridiculous it is to obsess about someone who has moved on. It reminded me to get a grip and stop those absolutely self-destructive, obsessive behaviors. And as Ms. Sunshine says toward the back of the book, “Getting dumped is always and opportunity for an upgrade. ALWAYS.”

Real Wisdom

Here’s a suggestion for a really great read: Proverbs. That’s reading that provides real Wisdom. Stop doing those humiliating, embarrassing things that demonstrate that you don’t value yourself and you don’t trust God. Move on, and definitely don’t do anything you might have to go to jail for!

“Lady Wisdom will be your close friend and Brother Knowledge your pleasant companion.  Good Sense will scout ahead for danger, Insight will keep an eye out for you.” ~ Proverbs 2:10-12 (The Message)

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About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.

10 Comments

  1. elaine April 27, 2016 at 6:33 pm - Reply

    I try not to see my wasband…although curiosity always gets the best, and we (my kids and I) speculate about what his apartment must look like, or what he’s doing on a holiday, and whether or not his girlfriend is new or if he’s had her in “the wings” for a while before we kicked him out. We wish he would of moved out of town, so we don’t have to accidently run into him somewhere. I have purposely changed locations of banks, dentists, eye doctors, I even go shopping a few towns over, so as to not awkwardly have to see him. Besides I have an Order of Protection against him, so he cannot stalk us during the divorce proceedings. And that is another whole nightmare saga, in itself!

  2. Yvonne May 29, 2017 at 2:59 pm - Reply

    Thank you for your very sensible (and sometimes humourous comments) They make me feel sane and normal.I am one and a half years on now and the tears are less.I have managed to keep my head and God has worked in so many wonderful ways which I couldn’t have forseen. I have a job, my children, my house and loads of friends and whilst the sadness lingers like a cloud it is gradually evaporating as the sunshine comes more frequently.

  3. Donna Riggs November 5, 2018 at 10:59 pm - Reply

    The articals were inspiring. I am on 15 months from seperation and 6 months divorced. It is getting better I keep in mind that my higher power is watching over me and he has a plan for the rest of my life. So far he has not failed me and I am no longer abused or critized
    I am peaceful with where I’ve been and peaceful with what I’ve been through and peaceful with where I’m heading.

  4. Laurie January 28, 2019 at 2:15 pm - Reply

    I agree obsession is very unhealthy. I’m 11 years out from my divorce…let me say that again..I’m 11 years out from my divorce and I’m no further along as the day I walked out of court divorced. Don’t get me wrong I’ve tried; tried a dating sight, tried a match making service, changed jobs, changed houses twice, went to therapy, went to micro electro therapy, left my job…Each strategy helps for awhile but the pain never goes away. Pushing it down, denying it’s there, pretending there’s another person out there, pretending that life will get better…the mask always falls away. My former husband has been dangling the carrot of reconciliation over and over again only to tear the rug out from under me over and over again with his long running girlfriend that he breaks up with and goes back to like clockwork…and the first person he comes to is me. My last and final effort has been the thought of leaving the state and moving away. However my demons will follow me and the pain will still be there. So yes I’m obsessed…I’m obsessed with a person I fell in love with when we were teenagers, with a person I married and had three children with and spent 35 years with. Changing your brain that attached during the formative years of your life is no small feat especially when the person you love won’t let you really go. As far as I’m concerned my life is over.

  5. Melissa Kleva January 28, 2019 at 3:03 pm - Reply

    I survive reciting certain mantras everyday to get through this divorce. One of the reason I can remain strong is I want to be an honorable person so I can be a role model for my adult children. I had dreams and expectations but his affair asked me to live a different story. I am devastated but I am tired of being sad. The days that I am busy are the days that I don’t suffer as much. I know that I will always be sad that my marriage is over but the person I married is gone. He may look like him but everything that comes out of his mouth is alien. I deserve to be treated better and again I have to keep positive mantras in my life.

  6. Martha February 3, 2019 at 10:54 pm - Reply

    After 36 years, 3 children and building a life together, my soon to be ex chose to have an affair for almost 1.5 years without my knowledge and another 6 months after the awful relevation.
    I just filed for divorce and am expecting the papers to be delivered any day now. We still live in the same house, albeit on different floors. We also work and own a business together.
    At first, I didn’t want to see his face as my hurt, anger and disgust ran rampant each and every time I had to so much be in the same building. However, I am now at yet another stage where I make myself literally ill obsessing about him being with “her” when he is not at the office or home.
    I often leave the house while he is gone simply because I get myself so worked up about it. Mind you, the days of driving by TOW’s condo are long past, I still have an overwhelming need to know/verify that he is still the lying man I have come to know.
    If I could afford to move out before selling the house, I certainly would. However, financial strains dictate my path of moving forward.
    I go to my church’s group therapy once a week and on my own yet another day of the week. It doesn’t seem to be helpinp me let go of the visuals that go through my head. Yet another obsessive behavior I do my best to bury.
    I work 40 hours a week and work out at my gym 5 days a week to help exhaust my and body. Nothing seems to work.
    Ladies out there, any tips would be welcome. My heart and soul are broken.
    Thank you and God Bless to All❤️

    • Randi February 4, 2019 at 3:11 pm - Reply

      Martha – My heart is broken for you too! My wasband cheated with my friend for a year before I found out. He’s been gone for six months and I did the drive bys and the obsessioning. It sounds like leaving the house is good for you since you know when he’s gone it’s a trigger. That won’t last forever – I know lots of people probably say that. My wasband lives near my house and it takes everything not to want to find out what he’s up to. One mantra that my girlfriends and I chanted, and still do sometimes, is “wherever he is, whatever he’s doing and whoever he’s with IS PATHETIC” . You mentioned the need to know/verify that he is still the lying man you have come to know . HE IS – and you know it in your bones. Wherever he is – he is a pathetic lying shell of the man you knew. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to work through and process this. Don’t give up, it will get better and you will survive. I’m in awe of you having to live and work with him still. If you can survive doing that there is no doubt you can make a ‘Radical’ recovery!

  7. Myra March 11, 2019 at 1:56 pm - Reply

    Hi Marhta, I can relate to working with my ex-husband, ran 3 businesses plus worked outside of the home. Usually worked about 14-16 hours a day to get everything done. I found out the my ex husband was cheating on me about 8 months ago. I found out by looking at his email (an account that I set up by the way) He did not know that I had the password and sign on. I was worried about his health-as he was really acting quite different. I found 30 pages of emails between the girlfriend and my husband on how they were gong to best manipulate me so they could be together. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. For 3 weeks I thought about how I would approach him about this-of course a very very difficult time. He lied to me with each question I had, not knowing that I had read the emails. So after 3 weeks, I confronted him with what I knew.and made it very clear of what I expected from our 28 years of marriage. He swallowed hard and said he would comply. We worked together on drafting a divorce agreement with a mediator and my divorce is final this week. I was not a perfect wife, but loved my husband dearly. I am most hurt by the fact that I really thought more of him than what he ended up demonstrating. It has hurt our 2 children more than I probably know at this point-they both live we me now.
    I consider this a tragedy in my life, but not the end of my life. It is not what I wanted for our retirement years.
    However, Martha if I could impart any words of encouragement to you, please love yourself, know that God loves your really! Do nice things for yourself, Bought myself some flowers yesterday. They look beautiful in my kitchen. It warms my heart to see them..
    We need to be supportive of each other and care for each other. I am sending my support for you Martha.

  8. Mel May 14, 2019 at 11:40 am - Reply

    This ones for laurie, your treating your symptoms not the deep rooted cause of your inner wounds. Your life feels like its over but it is not over. Your just chemically attracted to a man who still has control over your emotions and you, its called trauma bonding, he has slowly chipped away at your self worth that you feel totally dependent on him and the pull to go back is excruciating. I have been there but i am 12 months seperated and the pull for me probably took me a good 8 months to get over. I have my good days and bad days and it sucks feeling replaced as if i never existed and i feel for my son who is almost 2 who came along in the midst of it and has had to survive all my terrible mood swings and harsh parenting. However be thankful for your kids, love them, hold them, know your worth it. Take your power back and know you deserve better. Distance yourself or atleast cut back contact. His going to keep screwing you over if you let him. I have learnt this the hardway, do not give him the benefit of thinking yr waiting on him, he wont change but you can. Try and refocus back on you and look into narcistic abuse recovery. Start your journey for healing today. Everyday is a chance to breath and start again.

  9. Mel May 14, 2019 at 11:58 am - Reply

    I honustly feel for all of you. We need to work on creating better lives for ourselves. My wasbund, our divorce is not finalised yet, had multiple affairs, the latest now current gf happened prior to our first child being born, a fact he would deny, his now trying to make out i am crazy so my battle is just beginning. We have not sort custody yet and i worry for my sons sake, his still only small but i have stopped living in fear and i have not given into his solicitors demands/scare tactics. Stand up, you are all strong and we can do this. It sucks but we cant turn back the clock and change the past. Speak your truths, know that you matter and try and build your new castles from the rubble around you, it may be slow but every stone counts, we may stumble and make mistakes along the way but onto new beginnings. The bravest thing i did after he made me feel totally worthless was to say i was worth it and ask him to leave. I could not raise a baby in it and i obsessed and msged him more times than should at first until he said stop, truth be told i will not get the closure or truth i deserve even after 16 yrs together and thats ok, i would rather not know about all the other women i do not know about and i already know enough that i do not need to know anymore. Its tough but we will get through this no matter how much we may feel we have lost our crap, we can rebuild, keep your chin and prayers up and if your not religious, chin up and keep moving forward.

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