Part of our healing process is figuring out who we are after this divorce that we didn’t want.
In the beginning, we keep asking questions that have no good answers ….
- How could he do this?
- What could I have done differently?
- Why didn’t I see this coming?
- Why doesn’t he love me anymore?
- What’s wrong with me?
Stop asking questions that have no good answers! Even if they did, it would not change the reality that we are on the road of divorce … a divorce we didn’t want and couldn’t stop as much as we tried.
So, the only question we need to ask ourselves every day is ….
What can I do today to get closer to the life that I deserve?
Here at Midlife Divorce Recovery, we help you figure out …
- What are your gifts?
- What are your goals?
- What are your dreams as you move forward?
It’s hard to even envision a future when you’re still in the raw grieving stage and even the getting-back-to-the-land-of-the-living stage. Give yourself time and space to do that grief and healing work done first, and then start thinking about who you are now, and what you want your future to look like.
“The more time you spend trying to figure out why he did what he did, the less time you have to figure out what you want moving forward.” Suzy Brown
After my unwanted divorce was final, the thought of travelling by myself was sad and overwhelming.
I did two things that helped. I called my best friend from high school and told her I needed to come visit for a few days! She welcomed me with open arms, a full refrigerator and a loving heart to listen to me cry my way through the long weekend. It was exactly what I needed.
Another weekend, I booked myself into a hotel in my hometown and just holed up for a “Feel Sorry for Myself” weekend. I ordered room service. I watched mindless TV and read magazines I usually pass up on my way out of the grocery store.
I sobbed and screamed into the big fluffy hotel pillows. I wrote things I wanted to tell him. I let myself wallow in self-pity for the whole weekend. It was something I needed badly. Those weekends away are sometimes good for our children too. It gives them a break.
Note: It’s good to be past the sobbing and screaming phase before you plan any big vacations.
I also remember thinking I needed to go to every social event I was invited to. Hit the social pause button if you need to. Friends and family will understand. I secretly worried that if I disappeared, no one would notice. That made me cry, too.
Divorce recovery after an unwanted divorce is a process.
Be kind to yourself. Be patient with the process. Your new life will become more sure and clear as you go along. Try to learn to be comfortable about not knowing exactly what’s going to come next.
It’s actually an amazing (if sometimes terrifying) way to live this one wild and crazy, but very precious, life we have each been given. We can make it wonderful. Or we make it miserable. It’s our choice. Unwanted divorce or not.
Unwanted Divorce Quotes
“If he is dumb enough to leave, we have to be smart enough to let him go.” – Anonymous
“Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.” – Robert Tew
“What God knows about me is more important than what others think about me.” – Anonymous
“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda
“Be happy in front of people who don’t like you. It kills them.” – Anonymous
“Do not chase people. Work hard and be you. The right people who belong in your life will come find you and stay.” – Will Smith
“Okay, so what he did was unfair. I know it’s unfair. But that doesn’t change the fact that you still have to figure out how to deal with it.” – Woody, my brother