Making the decision to leave my husband was the most heart-breaking, gut-wrenching decision I have ever made in my life. Figuring out if and how to leave my husband were dilemmas I could never have imagined when I made my marriage vows 33 years earlier in the presence of God, my family and my friends. I didn’t believe in divorce. I didn’t want a divorce. I agonized whether to leave my husband for 3 devastating years.
Should You Leave?
If you are a woman who is trying to decide if you should leave your husband, you know how complicated and distressing that decision is. You ask questions like, “How do you know if you should leave your husband? What are signs that you should leave your husband? How do you make the decision to leave your husband? How can I support myself? What will it do to our kids?” Those may all seem like simple questions, but they absolutely do not have simple answers.
I prayed. I fasted. I asked for any direction I could get to help me make the decision about whether to leave my husband or not. I talked to my family, a counselor at church, a few close friends, a psychologist … all to help me figure out whether to file for divorce or not.
I wished there were bright blinking “DANGER” signs that made clear I should leave my husband. I wanted a “leaving your husband checklist” to clarify my thinking. I wish it had been that easy.
A divorce affects almost every single thing about your life. What you thought would be your future is completely gone. Life gets complicated, especially for your kids. You have to figure out how to support yourself … what to do about the holidays and vacations and weddings and grandkids. Divorce is a tsunami of change that you probably didn’t want and didn’t expect.
Abuse Or Infidelity
I’ve read that there are three so-called “acceptable” grounds for leaving your husband.
- Adultery
- Abuse
- Addiction
Some spiritual communities used to believe – and maybe still do – that there is NO acceptable reason for divorce. I do not agree with that thinking. That theology puts a big huge truckload of guilt, shame and sadness on any woman who has been taught that, but whose husband is keeping her from being the woman she was created to be.
Along with struggling with our own sense of personal failure, we often feel like we have failed our family and disappointed God as well. That is too much to put on the shoulders of any woman trying to decide if and when she should leave her husband.
My belief is that no one should have to put up with ongoing adultery of a spouse. An adulterous husband flagrantly breaks his promises every day by betraying his wife. Most people from almost every culture in the world think adultery is wrong.
Adultery (Infidelity) is not only emotionally devastating, but physically dangerous as well. By the way, according to the National Health Statistics Report, midlife men are the demographic least likely to use protection during sex – no matter who they are having sex with … a prostitute or their girlfriend or their wife … or more likely all three!
Abuse is another situation that no one should have to endure. News stories are all too common about women who have been seriously hurt or died at the hands of the person who was supposed to love them most. Children are at risk in all sorts of ways if they grow up being abused or seeing their mother being abused. Leaving your husband for abuse is usually necessary to protect yourself and your children. But plan well, and get help.
Here is the national abuse hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org.
In the same way, our spouse’s addiction can create a hell on earth for other members of our family. Staying with a spouse who is addicted to anything … alcohol, drugs, opioids, porn, gambling, work or anything else causes a family dysfunction that is hard to live with and hard to recover from. A RADiCAL woman once quoted the phrase: “Don’t die of another person’s misery.” Sadly that’s what often happens emotionally to family members of an addicted person.
Leaving With No Money (Finances)
In our midlife divorce recovery work, we often hear from women who have been abandoned with no financial support at all. Money is a big issue when you are trying to decide whether to leave your husband or not. If you have been a stay-at-home mom; or if you put your career on hold to raise your children, you are at a huge disadvantage financially. Technology has rushed forward. Your credentials may have expired. You may have been out of the workplace for 20 – 30 years.
If those realities describe you, it’s harder to leave your husband. When we’re facing divorce, almost all of us have this fear that we might end up living in our car or becoming bag ladies trying to figure out where our next meal is coming from. Here are some financial resources for divorced women to consider.
One RADiCAL woman is trying to figure out how to provide a group home for other women going through divorce with little or no money. Some of our RADiCAL women have actually been in the situation of not having a roof over their head or enough to eat. I have examples of women figuring out creative ways to survive. Here is a link to one of our MasterPlan newsletters featuring an inspiring RADiCAL woman who started with nothing and how she ended up.
Leaving With Kids
When children are involved, you need to find out the laws in your state before leaving with your child or children. Talk to a local attorney. It’s against the law in some states. If you are leaving because of abuse, the safety of you and your children is of the utmost importance. Have a plan. Talk to a women’s shelter. Make sure you have a place to go when you and your children leave your husband. See the abuse hotline information above.
How To Leave My Husband Without Telling Him
Sometimes we think that we should just leave our husband without telling him where we are or where we are going. If your safety is at risk, follow the rules above about leaving (either alone or with kids) in an abusive situation.
Often, leaving without telling your husband is a bad idea. It sometimes sounds like the best option to avoid a confrontation or to keep yourself from letting him talk to into staying. You should contact an attorney because every state is different, and leaving the marital home without telling your husband can negatively affect your settlement. There are also laws about abandonment and the house.
I Want My Husband To Leave Me
In our years of Midlife Divorce Recovery work, we have heard about husbands who want a divorce and who make things so miserable that their wife decides that she can’t stay in that relationship and survive. Often they want us to leave because it’s better for them for legal and financial reasons.
If you’re saying to yourself, “I can’t stay in this marriage, but I want my husband to leave me,” you’re not acting honorably either.
Usually, the right thing is to be upfront and honest about your marriage and why it is not meeting your needs. At least have a conversation about saving the marriage. I think it’s cowardly for either spouse to play that game of sabotaging the marriage just so he or she can say, “She left me,” or “He left me.” It tries to put the blame on the other person, when we ourselves want out of the marriage.
If you want to leave, you should have valid reasons. If you do, stand up for yourself and say, like I finally did, “I cannot be the woman I was created to be and stay in a toxic relationship like this!”
It was the most difficult and sad decision I have ever made, but it was necessary. For those horrible years of his adultery, I struggled to decide how long I was going to wait for him to come to his senses and come back home. To my utter dismay, he never did.
The choice to leave my husband came when I finally decided I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I couldn’t trust my husband. I couldn’t bear the thought of him wanting to be in someone else’s bed on those nights he was with me. Leaving was excruciating. But staying would have been worse.
We know how difficult it is to leave your husband. If you have decided after prayerful consideration to end your marriage, we can help you grieve and heal and start you on the path to the life you have deserved all along. It’s a challenging, life-changing journey, but we have the tools and the resources and the connections to help you transform your life into something more fulfilling and fun and good than you can even imagine from where you are right now. Really!
I been trying to leave my husband but the truth of the matter is that I’m scared we have 2 children together my youngest is not his.. He is a alcoholic and is very disrespectful abusive and mean to me has been for a very long time. But I’ve put up with it hoping he will one day change..I’m hurt I’m tired and just want some peace. I have gotten to the point where I hate him he has done things to me without any remorse.. I just need the courage to leave and never come back I pray for the strength that only God can give me..
I am in a very verbally abusive relationship with my husband of almost 14 years. Every time we start to make progress and I think I can trust him, he does somethings completely irrational and in front of our son. Tonight he drug me across the house by my arm, the other already broken from another incident on my own and says everything and anything he know will hurt me. He threatened to kill me all while my son was able to hear. I told him I can no longer take this type of abuse and I wanted a divorce. This crushed my son. He was inconsolable. I just can not continue to let him see his father treat me or anybody else the way he does. It is not right and I don’t want him to think it’s normal to act that way. I deserve better than that and so does my son.
Wow. We are not alone. But it feels like we are, as we are losing our souls
Today is the day i left my husband. I feel bad, worried and all. I need to be strong. I’ve read so many stories about being married for so long and ending up being divorce. Im married for 7 years and it feels like already a waste of life to me. But i love him that i care so much. He has a deep issue about himself that i tried to help coz he wont seek help from therapist or counselling. I wish god would guide him to be in a better situation for himself.
After 8 years of marriage and 11 years together my husband finds something wrong in everything I do, touch, say ,think and so on. Moments of praise show up maybe with one good meal I made out of 100. I made a commitment and feel obligated to stay because it’s that I want to not be married but I feel dread and despair looking at my life with him moving forward. I love him but I don’t then I think I want to leave and I’m flooded with thoughts and second guessing myself because I know it will be finite. I feel guilt and shame that I mentally don’t want to do this anymore. The person I am is a fighter inside and always stand against the masses who have tried to be obstacles in my own personal sense of value and worth. But the low self confidence that no one else sees holds be back because I don’t want to hurt anyone not can I accept that I wasn’t strong enough to endure.what do I do to find clarity and direction backed with the strength and courage to rise above?
ive been with my husband for 25 years and want to leave, but financially i cant i have nowhere to go
65 and Lonley husband finances
Husband has sex addition he godsend talk to me or hold me . He’s not my best friend. I’m lonely and vulnerable. I’m 65. I could write a book
Hello, I am in tears after reading the introduction to this beautiful life-changing website. I have been in turmoil for 7 long years of back and forth wanting to leave this toxic relationship. My husband is very sneaky and he plays mind games with me. For example, He is an alcoholic but throws up in my face how I take prescription drugs and how awful I am. I have a disease that causes me to have to take medicine that has absolutely changed my life in a very positive way. I have left a couple of times thinking it might wake him up but after the new wears off he’s back to his conniving ways. He drinks every single day and will tell you he has no intention of quitting. He’s very nice and friendly person especially to the men in the neighborhood. He works 50-60 hours a week so he throws that in my face that I’m ungrateful just because I’ve asked for a vacation. Just one out of 12 years of marriage. I’ve never been on a honeymoon or a vacation. He tells me I spend too much money but I do not. I only buy the bear minimum to support me and my 2 kids and now my grandson. He is in love with his job. He’s very bossy and controlling. He’s never punched me in my face or beat me but I definitely am not who God called me to be. He even told me to stop watching online preaching told me how I needed to serve God when he won’t even pick a Bible up to read for himself. We have extremely different views about living for God and he will tell you he has no intention of being involved with it. I’m lonely and… Read more »