If we have spent years (or decades) with another person — it’s hard to disconnect after divorce. I was angry and sad, but after the divorce was final, like many other women, I had to face the fact: “I miss my husband.” I missed the security. The companionship. The sex. I missed the good parts of what we had together before the affair started.
After divorce, most women also have to admit “I miss my ex husband,” even after all of the pain their ex caused at the end. We committed our time, energy, support and love in big and little ways. We shared secrets and intimacies and faced the tough stuff that comes along with every long relationship. We may have children together. And we miss the love that kept our marriage vibrant and growing — until it didn’t.
So when divorce happens, and people say, “It’s time to get over it,” or “Just forget about him,” they don’t realize how hard that is unless they have been in this agony themselves. People who care about us want us to feel better. They want us to get over it and be happy again, but it’s not easy after a long marriage. Deep down, for too long, we realize, “I am still missing my husband.”
We usually know in our head that his love for us has gone. At some point I had to realize that awful truth that “my husband left me and I still love him.” I didn’t know what to do with that! We know we can’t stay in a marriage like that, but it often takes our heart longer to absorb that reality. We know what we had together — the good, the bad and the ugly — and we miss the good parts of it — no matter how many bad and ugly parts there were and no matter how much it hurts when he leaves.
See also: I miss my ex-wife
I Divorced My Husband, Now I Miss Him
Something that haunted me was that I filed for divorce. I didn’t want to. I spent three agonizing years trying NOT to file for divorce, but when it became clear that he wasn’t going to give up his girlfriend, I had no other choice. I had to face the fact that, yes, “I divorced my husband and now I miss him.” Being a threesome was not an option for me. Even though I realized, “I still love my ex husband, and I miss my ex husband,” I knew I couldn’t stay married to him!
One of the worst things I could think of for my future was to be lying in bed next to my husband, wondering if he wanted to be in someone else’s bed! That would be an agony I couldn’t endure. I also didn’t want to be in a constant mental comparison with the other woman, asking myself, “I wonder if she was better in bed? Or I wonder how he kissed her? Or how he touched her? Those thoughts make you physically sick no matter how much you are missing your husband!
You Spent Many Years Together
Especially if we divorce at midlife, a couple has often spent more time together than we spent apart. My wasband (ex-husband) and I got married when I was barely 21. So when we divorced 33 years later, I had been with him longer than I had been without him.
If we have children together, those lives connect us forever, too. That bond between us will never be broken. For many years, I missed talking to my ex about what was going on with the children, and occasionally still do. They are our children.
Sometimes we begin to think we should stay in the marriage for the kids. If the marriage is irretrievably broken, that’s usually not a good choice.
You Want Things The Way They Used To Be
Some days during my divorce I wanted my ex husband back; sometimes I wondered if my ex husband wants me back; and sometimes I wanted to never see his face again! The emotional roller coaster of divorce causes erratic, intense emotions. Some days we want things back like they were before the other woman showed up, or before porn took over, or addictions destroyed everything.
Early on during divorce, almost all of us tend to conveniently forget about the things that were destructive to us and to the family. We forget those times we felt unloved or abused or had to put up with someone who was controlling and constantly putting us down.
Part of the desire to return to the marriage is that the loneliness after divorce can be so overwhelming that it can make us want to return to an unacceptable relationship just to have another warm body around. In most marriages, we know what to expect even if it was something destructive. That, at times, seems better than the bone-crushing loneliness that comes after divorce, especially when our children have left home and our friends forget about us.
You Feel Bad For Leaving Him
Even women who file for divorce still have to face the fact that, “I miss my husband so much!” It broke my heart to make that agonizing choice to end my marriage. Even though I was missing my husband so much, I refused to stay married to a man who wouldn’t give up his girlfriend.
I ended our marriage. More wives than husbands actually file the divorce papers. This causes a lot of men to take on the role of victim. They want us to feel bad, so they don’t have to. They blame us for not giving them another chance, or “being so unforgiving” or not being able to move on – all while they refuse to change the behavior that caused the breakup in the first place.
Am I Still In Love With My Ex-Husband?
Sometimes after being married a long time, it’s hard to know the difference between love and habit. We get used to the status quo. We’ve grown “accustomed to his face,” even though it causes pain and heartache. So many of these guys who want out of a marriage say those ridiculous words…“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Love is not something we fall into like a hole. We choose to love or not, and we choose what that love should look like.
I grew up in a strong spiritual household where we learned that “Love never fails.” I had promised to love him through everything. I was willing to do that, but I finally figured out, I could divorce him and still love him from afar … as a fellow human being. I could still want the best for him without letting him continue to hurt me, and harm our family.
My Ex-Husband Divorced Me, I Miss Him
It’s bad enough when I decide I’ve had enough and divorce my ex-husband, but it can feel even worse if my ex-husband divorces me, and I miss him. Or if my husband left me and I still love him. Either way, it’s agonizing until we finally realize that he is not good for us, and is not willing to make the changes we need for the marriage to continue in the way it should.
We can miss the person he was. We can miss the marriage we once had. But we eventually have to move on to a new life after the agony of divorce.
Can We Still Be Friends?
At first, when we divorce, we wonder to ourselves, “I miss my ex husband. Can we be friends?” I guess some couples can pull this off. I haven’t heard of many after-divorce friendships that actually worked that well long-term. Of course, we can be friendly and cordial, but I honestly didn’t want to have a friendship with a person who could do so much damage to me and to the people I love.
Often, when a guy leaves the relationship and still wants to “be friends,” there are several reasons for this:
- To make the kids and others think better of him
- To make himself feel less guilty
- To pay less in alimony or child support
When a husband wants out of a marriage, especially if he has a girlfriend, he sometimes tries to make amends by offering to help with the yard, or jump-start the car or fix a plumbing problem. It can be tempting to let him do that. But if you have children, it can be confusing. Younger children might think you’re getting back together. Older children can usually see what their Dad is doing and be sort of disgusted by it.
On the other hand, if the circumstances in your marriage are such that you both really decide together a divorce will be best, a friendship after divorce might be possible. For me, if we were on good enough terms to be good friends, I think I would still want to be married. But that’s just me. If you and your ex can be friends after divorce, go for it!
I Want My Husband Back But He Is Married
The day my ex husband told me he was getting remarried, was an awful day for me. I knew this meant there would be no miraculous reconciliation nor a happily-ever-after life. All hopes of my husband coming back were gone in an instant. I cried pretty much all day even though, by that time, I would not have taken him back.
On that day, as much as I tried to take the spiritual high road, I really wanted for him to be miserable every day for the rest of his life! The woman he married is a really nice person (and not the affair partner). I still can’t imagine she married him if she knew his history. Oh well. As heartbreaking as that day was, his lying and sneaking around were no longer my problem and that was a huge relief!
As for wanting him back … you may think you do, but do you really?! Do you want to have that awful stab in the pit of your stomach when you find out he has not been truthful, or you find weird stuff on his phone or unexplained charges on the credit card?
The simple answer is NO! You don’t want him back! In all my years of doing this, I have known a handful of couples who got back together. Reconciliation after infidelity is rare, and lots of change has to happen for it to work. It’s a beautiful thing when it actually does!
It Won’t Be Different The Second Time Around
My ex husband and I separated three times before I finally filed for divorce. Each time I let him come back home, I truly thought that his affair was over, and we were going to rebuild and make our marriage stronger than ever. That’s what he said he wanted. It didn’t happen. Your ex may have broken promises he made to you as well.
Once a person goes down the road of infidelity, addiction or any kind of abuse, it is usually difficult for them to turn around. They often have invested so much in the new relationship and burned so many bridges in the old relationship that it is hard to repair the marriage. We all take ourselves into the next relationship, and things usually don’t change much on round two!
Do Ex-Husbands Miss Their Wives?
I missed my husband so much when he left me and our relationship by having an ongoing relationship with another woman. You can’t help but wonder, “What would happen if my ex husband wants me back?” Whether guys miss their wives after divorce is a hard question. Some may realize they have made a colossal mistake and have regrets. But admitting that your life isn’t as wonderful after divorce as you hoped it would be, is usually too much of a blow to their self-esteem.
Instead of admitting they really screwed up and coming back to you, asking for forgiveness and another chance, these guys usually put any thought like that in the far corners of the brain that can’t be easily reached. Instead, they invest every waking moment into making it seem like their life is wonderful! But again, his secret life is not your worry now. You need to be focused on YOU and your new life!
How To Get My Ex-Husband To Miss Me
During separation and divorce, sometimes I wondered, “does my ex husband miss me?” For example, one Easter when we were separated, I felt sorry for my husband in his little apartment while the rest of us had a wonderful family Easter dinner with all the goodies … especially my famous :)) strawberry shortcake for dessert. After everyone left, I had enough of the crust, the strawberries and the whipped cream to make him a bowl. I took it over to him to remind him of me, the kids all the good things he was missing!
In my mind, I had pictured him sad and missing us that day. I drove to his apartment and knocked on the door. It was a tiny apartment and it took him forever to get to the door. Hmmm. He finally answered and invited me in. With the shortcake in hand, I said “I thought you might enjoy this!”
On the coffee table were some keys with a girly keychain, so I asked, “Whose keys are those?” He said something about someone just left them there. He didn’t know who. Well, of course the radar went up, and when I pressed him, he got more and more defensive, as I asked, “Is she here?” I brazenly walked toward the back of his apartment and opened the door to the bathroom. I pulled back the shower curtain and there she was … curled up in a little ball in the bathtub. I felt sick. Another stab in the heart. I drove home in tears and humiliation. But I was also one step closer to finally realizing he would never give her up no matter how many times he told me he would or he had.
Remember this: If he misses you…if he wants you back…he will do everything in his power to get you back. Words mean nothing! Save the shortcake for yourself and eat it later!
I Miss My Family After Divorce
Right now in our MDRcommunity, there is a lot of talk about missing our intact primary family, but also about, “I miss my extended family after divorce!” One woman in the Community conversation this morning was heartbroken that not only was her primary family broken, but she had lost many extended family members like mother-in-law, brothers and sisters-in-law, nephews and nieces, and many friends who disappeared in that fog of not knowing what to do or say to us.
Divorce in midlife piles up so much loss that the mountain seems impossible to get over! Some friendships can be salvaged and some of those family members you miss after divorce will slowly return. But many times they don’t. Sadly, you have to realize that you are going to need to rediscover old friends, and create new ones for yourself.
Decide what you want your family relationships to look like and then reach out appropriately. Sometimes those relationships are gone forever. Focus on those you can maintain and strengthen.
How To Get Over A Divorce
Before the divorce, we are filled with uncertainty. We may deny what’s going on. We accept the unacceptable in our relationship. We spend hours, days, months and maybe years trying to decide whether to divorce or not.
But once we have made that decision to divorce, and accept the change and suffering that goes along with it, we have one other choice to make:
Am I going to keep missing my ex and let him destroy me?
Or am I going to do everything I can to make my life wonderful again?
It’s my choice! No one will make it for me. We each have to realize that our future is up to us!
Once we make that decision, we have to give up:
(1) all those things we can’t control
(2) all those things we can’t change
The only thing we need to focus on is taking concrete actions every day to move ourselves to a rich, fun and full life again.
Join our group of RADiCAL Women — women who are Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love. Looking back doesn’t help. Missing our ex keeps us stuck in the pain. Getting help to grieve and heal and start rebuilding our life has to be our focus now.
Instead of missing your ex husband, who was not good for you, start fighting for the life you have deserved all along! Thousands of RADiCAL women are living proof that life moving forward can be better than you can even imagine! Join us on that amazing, transformational journey! We’re here to help.
After 34 years of marriage we divorced. Not for any other reason other then we were constantly fighting. No affairs, no financial issues but the pandemic, career and health issues. Depression, alcohol and anger to be specific. We haven’t lived together in 19 months. Divorced now for 9 months. We have both gotten on with our lives (kinda). We do keep in touch weekly but more recently have been going out to dinner together. He shares his future plans and asks if I would be part of them. So, with that I believe he misses me and wants me back. However I stated building my life. He’s 8 years older then me and I want to retire from my current employment so I’m not interested in his suggestion. Do I dare to invite him in my future plans? I am lonely, as he is! I believe we were better together then we are part and I also know we have both been extremely angry with each other. He has stopped drinking and has been in therapy for months now. That’s all I ever wanted for him, for us.
Has anyone ever experienced something similar? Please share. Not only am I physically alone, I feel I’m in a boat all by myself.
love your blog. I’m Muslim but your article resonated so much with me. God bless you.