I Miss My Ex Husband After Divorce

2018-07-25T18:28:25+00:00

If we have spent years (or decades) with another person — it’s hard to disconnect after divorce. I was angry and sad, but after the divorce was final, I had to admit to myself that “I miss my ex husband.” I missed the security. The predictability. The sex.  I missed the good parts of what we had together before the trouble started.

Most women miss our ex at some point. We miss the good things we had in our marriage.  We committed our time, energy, support and love in big and little ways. We shared secrets and intimacies along with the tough stuff that comes along with every long relationship. We may have children together. And we miss the love that kept our marriage vibrant and growing — until it didn’t.

So when divorce happens and people say, “You need to get over it,” or “Come on! Forget about him!,” they don’t realize how hard that is unless they have been in this situation themselves. People who care about us want us to feel better. They want us to get over it and be happy again, but it’s not that easy especially after a long marriage.

We usually know in our head that our marriage has become toxic. We know we can’t be the person we want to be and stay in a marriage like that. But it often takes our heart longer to catch up to that reality. We know what we had together –. the good, the bad and the ugly. And we miss the good parts of it — no matter how few and far between they were.

You Spent Many Years Together

Especially if we divorce at midlife, a couple has often spent more time together than we spent apart. My wasband and I got married when I was barely 21. So when we divorced 33 years later, I had been with him longer than I had been without him.

If we have children together, those lives are part of both of us. That is a bond between us that will never be broken. I missed talking to my ex about what was going on with the children.

Parenting is hard enough with two of you trying to figure things out together. When we divorce, it’s harder to maintain that unified relationship with the children, and in my opinion, that’s a great loss for them. So sometimes we think we should stay in the marriage for the kids. That’s not usually a good choice.

You Want Things The Way They Used To Be

Some days during my divorce I wanted my ex husband back and sometimes I wanted him dead. It’s hard to admit that, but it’s the truth. The emotional roller coaster of divorce causes erratic, intense emotions. Some days we want things back like they were before the other woman showed up. Some days we wish we never had to see him again.

Almost all of us tend to sweep the bad things that happened in our marriage under the rug and conveniently forget about the things that were destructive to us and to the family. In looking back, we often forget those times when we felt unloved or abused or had to put up with substance abuse or porn or someone who was controlling and overbearing.

Part of the desire to return to the marriage is that the loneliness after divorce can be so overwhelming that it can push us to want to return to an unacceptable relationship just to have another warm body around. In most marriages we knew what to expect even if it was something destructive. That, at times, seems better than the devastating loneliness that comes after divorce especially when our children have left home and our friends forget about us.  

You Feel Bad For Leaving Him

Many women are the ones who file for divorce. Often they do so because their husband is unwilling to change his destructive behavior. Men will usually stay in a relationship as long as his wife allows him to maintain the facade of a respectable intact family as he continues to do things that hurt the marriage. Some women turn a blind eye to bad behavior because they are afraid to be alone.

I am the one who filed for divorce in my marriage. It broke my heart to do that, but even though I missed things about my ex, I refused to stay married to a man who wouldn’t give up his girlfriend. Most guys are willing to hang around hoping they can have their cake and eat it, too. I allowed that for way too long. I just kept thinking he would come to his senses, give her up and come back home. He didn’t.

I ended the marriage. More wives than husbands end the marriage. This causes a lot of men to take on the role of victim, somehow. They often blame us for not giving them another chance, or “being so unforgiving” or not able to move on — all while they continually refuse to change the behavior that caused the breakup in the first place.

It Won’t Be Different Second Time Around

My ex husband and I separated three times before I finally filed for divorce. Each time I let him come back home, I truly thought that his affair was over, and we were going to rebuild and make our marriage stronger than ever. That’s what he said he wanted. It didn’t happen. He broke my heart over and over again by going back to the woman he said he was through with. Your ex may have broken promises he made to you as well.

Usually once a person goes down the road of infidelity, addiction, or other bad behavior, it is very difficult for them to turn that around. And they often get so far down that road and have invested so much in the new relationship and burned so many bridges in the old relationship that it is very hard to repair the marriage. It’s work, and most people who are destroying the marriage just aren’t willing to do what’s necessary for reconciliation.

How To Get Over A Divorce

Before the divorce, we are filled with uncertainty. We deny what’s going on. We accept the unacceptable in our relationship. We spend hours, days, months and maybe years trying to decide whether to divorce or not.

But once we have made that decision and accept the pain and change and suffering that goes along with it, we have one choice to make: Am I going to keep missing my ex and let this destroy me? Or Am I going to do everything I can to make my life wonderful again? It’s my choice. No one will make it for me. I will figure out how to get over a divorce.

Once we make that decision, we have to give up (1) all those things we can’t control, and (2) all those things we can’t change. The only thing we need to focus on is taking concrete actions every day to move ourselves to a rich, fun and full life again.

Wanting our ex back after our divorce is unproductive. Wishing we had our ex back after our divorce is wasted time and energy. Forgetting why it was that we had to file for divorce is not going to help us rebuild the future we want.

Join our tribe of RADiCAL Women — women who are Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love. Looking back doesn’t help. Missing our ex keeps us stuck in the pain. Getting help to grieve and heal and start rebuilding your life does help.

Start our free 10-Day Divorce Recovery Crash Course, and instead of missing your ex husband, who was not good for you, start fighting for the life you have deserved all along!

About the Author:

Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. Starting her first RADiCAL support group in 2003 she's been helping women navigate the journey of divorce ever since.

7 Comments

  1. Krissy August 20, 2018 at 1:54 am - Reply

    I really miss my ex husband

    • Sally August 23, 2018 at 2:50 am - Reply

      Hi Krissy…I’ll be divorced 2 years in September. Although I’ve come a long way in my healing, I still find myself missing mine too. I don’t know your situation but I really do believe that old cliche about time healing all wounds. Well, MOST wounds if we’re willing to forgive…
      Just know you’re not in this alone…

  2. TK October 1, 2018 at 4:56 am - Reply

    I feel so alone. My divorce should be finalized in October. And yes, I filed. 35 years of marriage, 3 adult children, a teenager and 2 grandkids, and I couldn’t take the cruel, ungodly treatment anymore. I had already been being shunned, he slept on the couch, and treated me like I was a disgusting, worthless, undeserving of love person. My faith in Jesus helped me to see I deserve better, but it also caused me to stay way longer than I should have, believing God would work a miracle and turn things around. I’m still hopeful, but I have to move on. My toxic partner was killing me, the emotional abuse almost took me out. So, how do I wake up, and go about my day, each day, and get over him? How do I do that? How do I get rid of the pain and lonliness?

  3. Rameesha October 3, 2018 at 7:10 am - Reply

    Dear Sisters, I haven’t filed a case yet. I was struggling to take a decision, but now, I am almost convinced myself to go for a divorce for mine and my kids emotional well being. I am here to know if any one can guide me on going further.

    I was married before 18, have two adorable kids of 6 and 2 years, I am 31 now, I started working at the age of 21 and I have 10 years working experience, but I am not successful financially, as neither me nor my family thought that I will be a working women for ever (I am the first working women among my grand parent’s 150 grand children and same among my in laws). Through out past years I have been paying whatever I got paid by my employers to my husband as I never thought selfish, never thought we are two and I knew that he needs my support and trusted him that he will take care of me and the rest. But I was wrong. He managed financially well. But as from the very beginning he and his family had considered me and my family as financially inferior to them (despite paying them a huge dowry), they kept humiliating us, when my mother had to come to stay with us for my child care, both of us were ill treated, though there is no domestic violence, there was always emotional harassment and mental torture. From the day second of my marriage they were threatening me of divorce, they (he and his father, mother and sister) never gave my widowed mom any peace of mind, they were complaining a lot. I have been thinking for past two years that why to continue in such a painful relationship, just for my kids to have their father’s address? I cried a lot on the situation which i will go through, the dreams I had of my married life, and so many things which are going to be my own responsibility as a single parent and also I was afraid that if after the divorce, if I will miss my ex. Now that I know, I may miss him some times but I have no sex drive already for past few years, sex is not my need at all where my emotions are never secure, I was never secure, why to miss intimacy we shared? I am not divorcing for a better married life with a new person. I am going to walk out from the extra burden that men give their wives, complaints and demands and never giving ears to my problems and needs.

    Right now, I am trying to find a better job. I need to find my place as a professional. And I need better salary for taking care of myself and kids.

    Dear sisters, I would like to know if you have better peace of mind after divorce, do you have change from getting mad at kids? Did the decision you take turn to be right for you and your family?

    I will wait for your answers to move forward.

    • Zora October 22, 2018 at 11:18 pm - Reply

      Dear Rameesha,
      Money should be a second worry not your first.
      You must take care of yourself!
      You are obviously from another culture than mine. Do you live in the USA or in your country?
      In the USA, where I live, Divorce is also hard.

      I do not have children yet it took me many years to find the courage and strength to put my faith in the universe that I will find my path and file the papers for divorce. I am finding my path and I am a much happier person today.

      My husband spoke to me very cruelly and became very controlling.
      I had to learn to be:
      Confident
      Discover my incredible inner strength (you have it too!)
      Positively focused and living for today
      Smart minded about money and budgeting
      Brave
      Loving myself and accepting when I make mistakes
      And much more.

      Believe in yourself.
      Be free and the better job will be yours when you are wearing a genuine smile of joy on your face, every day because you are aware that you are being TRUE to yourself and living your life in joy, not fear or misery.
      Treat your children with loving kindness.
      Treat your divorce with COLD lack of emotion in every negotiation because that is what divorce is, a business negotiation.

      Forget the past. It is gone. You have your health, your children and your youth and many beautiful years ahead!
      Be Bold!
      FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

      Best of luck.

  4. wanita colman October 5, 2018 at 4:49 pm - Reply

    we simpley grew apart no blame on either side

  5. Maria October 16, 2018 at 5:17 pm - Reply

    Hello, My name is Maria, I’m 49 yrs. old. I had been married for 15 yrs. and my husband divorce me and he got a younger gf and they are living together. Our divorce is not final yet, but his having the time of his life. He told me that he wants to divorce me day 1 of our marriage, I was so devastated and feel betrayed. Why did he waited for 15 yrs., we hardly quarrel , I was so shock about the things he said to me. Im really really hurt. I’m trying so hard to move on with my life but I still see him in all the places I go . my friends would take me out, but I still longed for him. He ask fro divorce sept. 11 and we filled the divorce Oct. 11, Why do he wants it so fast. Im glad we don’t have any children, but got 2 dogs. He told me he misses the dogs. Im seeing a therapist for now. I just want this feelings to go away so that I can continue with my life. We work at the same place I’m anxious to see him and his gf.I tried to be productive so that I could forget him.

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